Hoo boy. I’ve been reticent to write about this because, well, what woman wants to share this kind of thing with the world? Apparently, I do. Because I’ve done it before.
Here’s the thing. I’m not really interested in writing about being pregnant if I’m not going to be brutally honest about being pregnant. I know, we’re all ladies and publicly discussing certain things isn’t necessarily becoming to a lady and well, look… Being pregnant ain’t necessarily becoming to a lady, now, is it? Case in point: stretch marks, acne, varicose veins, pregnant stank, water retention, puking until you pee yourself, bloody gums, nipples the size of dinner plates, hormones, hair where you’ve never had hair, hemorrhoids… shall I continue?
I want to tell you the kinds of things I’d wished someone had told me before I got pregnant. Not because it would change whether I want to have a child — nothing could change that. Hell, you could wave a wand and declare my pregnancy will be ten times worse than it is now and I’d still do it. It’s only nine months and I wouldn’t trade being a mama for anything. Although you may want to check back with me when Violet’s fifteen.
So the thing I’m going to talk to you about today isn’t just hard to talk about — it’s hard to spell. D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A.
I’ve never had the strongest stomach. Just mention the word snot and I get the dry heaves. In fact, my brothers enjoy this game very much. Talk about snot to try and get Monica to puke. One time, in college, this guy sneezed. I looked back to see who it was. He had covered his mouth and nose with his hands and was just pulling them back. A thick, string of snot tightroped from his nostril to his hand. I quickly looked forward, expecting to see him rush out of the room to take care of his situation. After a few seconds passed and I didn’t see him leaving, I looked back again. He was just sitting there as if nothing had happened.
WHAT DID HE DO WITH THE SNOT? My mind raced, quickly eliminating all options but three. A) He wiped it on his pants? B) He wiped it under his desk? C) Oh dear God, he ate it?
Any possibility was too much for me and I rushed from the room and emptied my lunch in the restroom. That was a long way of saying I have a weak stomach. It churns at the smallest provocation, be it an unsavory mental image or the physical introduction of coffee too early in the morning. So even when I’m not sporting around an extra human being in the business of rearranging my innards, I don’t have the strongest constitution.
And when I’m pregnant? My entire system revolts. It’s the morning hours that are generally the worst. I wake up to a stomach so hungry I can feel the juices sloshing against the walls in there. You’d think the first thing I’d want to do would be to get a layer of food in there immediately. Seems logical, right? But it’s a catch-22. Get some food in there and I won’t puke, but the food revolts anyway and makes a mad dash for the opposite end of the puking spectrum. Which means I end up availing myself of the facilities for a good half hour while the food in my stomach protests and stages a massive
These are no ordinary cramps either.
It’s like the devil himself is reaching in, grabbing himself a big ol’ handful of my innards and twisting. Most mornings are spent playing inside with Violet near the bathroom should yet another evil notion strike the devil. Since I try to be informative here, well, a little, anyway, as opposed to just blathering on about myself, I did a little internet research on diarrhea during pregnancy.
Turns out, diarrhea is the least common side effect of pregnancy. Mostly because prenatal vitamins tend to cause constipation and also, as pregnancy progresses, the intestines apparently tend to slow down. Perhaps my diarrhea and I are in the minority and the rest of y’all are all plugged up, maybe even longing for a bout of diarrhea? Do you want me to say diarrhea one more time? Because I can. Diarrhea.
Here’s the interesting part I discovered: Diarrhea is not an illness, it’s a symptom. That’s not how it feels to me. Most mornings my main affliction is unrelenting, crampy, diarrhea. Seems like THE illness to me.
But here’s something nice to learn:
Most viruses and bacteria that cause diarrhea do not have any impact on the baby because they stay within the digestive tract. The biggest concern for pregnant women with diarrhea is the risk of severe dehydration, which can affect the baby – Pregnancy by emedTV
Because listen. Have you ever been straining really hard at eight or nine months pregnant and wondered if, just maybe, you could injure the baby? Or induce an early entrance? Because sometimes? The diarrhea? It feels THAT severe. I know, I know… a case of poop pushing induced labor is about as likely as your fella’s penis bonking your baby on the head during Sexy Time but when trapped on the toilet for several painful minutes, a pregnant woman can’t help but wonder certain things. Especially because when you actually are in labor, you’re using the same muscles to push.
Apparently I’m not the only one to ponder such things. Go ahead, Google Can Pushing While Pooping Hurt Baby and you’ll see what I mean.