Are There Women Who Shouldn't Have Kids?
Is pregnancy for everyone?
My recent post, “You’re Too ____ To Get Pregnant!” had some very interesting comments on it. (You’ll have to go read it to see!) Basically, they were stories of moms having babies under circumstances that kind of make you go, “Huh?”
Then there are the women who are, self-proclaimed, “Not right to have kids.”
Having kids is amazing and wonderful and a lot of women do choose to have kids. But are there women out there, for whatever reason, who maybe…shouldn’t?
I know it’s a touchy subject, because the vast majority of moms love their children and strive to do their best. No one “measures up” all the time, but most moms truly love being mothers, and that’s what’s most important.
But then there are those moms. Usually they’re the ones you hear about in the news: the ones whose child died because they were negligent or they abused the child. The seriously dumb stories like bullying a child until she commits suicide, vegan parents who starved their child (I totally believe it wasn’t the veganism, it was their lack of knowledge about an appropriate diet for a child and unwillingness to seek medical help), or even a mother who breastfeeds while driving.
These stories just make you wonder what the parents were thinking. And honestly, I think they make a lot of people wonder: “Should they be parents at all?” If they are that negligent about a child’s health and safety…how can they be good parents? We all make mistakes, but starving your child to death — literally — isn’t exactly one of those things where you can say, “I screwed up, I’ll do better next time.”
We might even look at some people, perhaps those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, or have other extremely difficult life circumstances, and say, “They shouldn’t have children.” The motivation being that those children will not be well-cared for unless the parents are able to stop their addictions. Other mothers look at those children and the circumstances they’ve been dealt, and their heart hurts.
Then, on the other hand, there are women who just don’t want children. They have no desire to be parents. Society would brand them as selfish: everyone should experience the joy that is having a child…right? But honestly, if they don’t want to be parents, should they? Would a woman (or man) who truly does not want to be a parent be a good one? Sure, there are plenty of women who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant and come to see children as a total joy and can’t imagine life without them. But there are parents, too, who say, “I wish I hadn’t had children.” Which is worse…not having children in the first place, or having them and then regretting it?
So, realistically…are there women who just shouldn’t have kids?
Undecided? Check out this article on 10 Very Bad Reasons to Get Pregnant!
Top image by flequi
Apparently my MIL believes I am one of those women who shouldn’t have children. She begged us to not have kids when we first got married, and once we had a child, frequently said we should stop at one. In fact, I received one of those lectures this past Mother’s Day– three days before my latest BFP. We didn’t bother calling her with the big news– she found out through my blog post on Facebook.
Yes, there are those that maybe “shouldn’t.” I don’t think everyone is “cut out” to be a mother. With the exceptions of those types of mothers mentioned above (starving a child? really?), I think all mothers have the ability to parent as best as they can. We all have a friend or a friend of a friend who came from a rough childhood and wound up successful and happy. And it’s probably even more common to know those who had the best of everything, including great parents who successfully raised more than one happy child to adulthood, but for whatever reason, it didn’t “work” with that one kid. So it really aggravates me to no end when mothers judge other mothers over the most ridicolous things….breast vs bottle, cloth vs disposable, no tv before age 5, no plastic toys, working moms or anyone who has ever lit a cigarette in their lifetime shouldn’t bother having kids….etc etc. Honestly I just think all parents should worry about their own damn kids and stop worrying about how other people parent their kids. When you start telling others that they aren’t the “type” to have kids, your pretty much trying to give yourself the power that only God has.
If a woman does not want to be a mother, she should not have to be. This is why I support the freedom for all women to choose abortion if that is the right option for them. I’m not really sure why the issue of happily childfree women and men is even raised in this post. What right is it of ours to judge whether someone who doesn’t want kids “should” or “shouldn’t” be a parent?
Of course women who don’t want children shouldn’t have them. But that article and the book are 4 years old. I remember when it hit the US, right around the time I was trying for my first. I figured the woman was just trying to sell books. Clearly, not a book I’d be interested in.
One only has to watch a few episodes of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” or “Teen Mom” to see that a lot of people should not be parenting, at least at certain stages of their lives. It’s not just a lot of the teen girls who should probably not be parenting (yet; I think a lot of them would be great parents if they’d waited a few years first), but a lot of their own parents, too (many of whom were also teen parents). One poor girl last week was anorexic, and her mom asked her to start dieting with her when the girl was only a few weeks post partum. Anyone who undermines their kid like that should really not have been parenting in the first place.
I think there are people that are too selfish to have children. Not because they don’t want them, but because they get pregnant and continue to do things because they like it instead of what is best for the baby (ie: drinking alcohol, smoking, marijuana, other drugs, tanning, etc). They aren’t ready to make the sacrifices that go along with motherhood. Actually, when I got pregnant I wasn’t “ready” either BUT because I knew there was a baby inside of me that needed me to protect it, I made different choices and chose to put the baby first. I know too many people that didn’t put their baby first (while they were pregnant and still to this day) and it makes me SO SO SO sad.
Not everyone is cut out to be a mother. My best friend told me (at my baby shower) that she couldn’t picture me as ever being a mother. I went on to have three of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen! She like to babysit and I didn’t – still don’t like to care for other people’s children. She has seven children. I am just as good a mother as she is, just not to as many children! LOL
There are many reasons why a woman shouldn’t be a mother; lazy, selfish, incapable of giving love or discipline — the list goes on!!!!
i think its completely okay to not want children. i wouldn’t call anyone selfish for feeling that way at all. having kids is the most life-changing thing imaginable and its just not the most important thing to a lot of people and thats completely fine. there are plenty of other wonderful things in the world to experience and tons of people live happy, fulfilled liveds without ever having kids.
Of course there are women who shouldn’t be mothers. Just because we have the ability to have children doesn’t mean that we all should, or that we all should be allowed to. And of course women who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them nor be forced to. They should be supported for that decision as much as people who have kids are.
Isn’t this along the lines of the story line in Grey’s Anatomy? Even though Christina is married and she got pregnant, she doesn’t want to be a mother, which is a choice women are allowed to make (even if controversial). I got pregnant by “surprise” two months after my SO and I got together, and I had never thought about being a mom (my previous long term relationship was unable to have kids) and I know I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, but we’re still together and I have an amazing 5 year old, but not everyone wants or is cut out to have kids. I don’t think it’s selfish, I say that those people who have 20 kids like the Duggars make up for the people who choose not to procreate.
I posted a comment on babbles facebook link on people who should not have kids disagreeing with it, but after reading this i realize there are parents who dont deserve and dont need to be near a child….could they not see there baby starving away oh my god that is heartbreaking and he suffered a long and painfull death.And the other that poor childs whole life up to the point she commited suicide she was demeaned and put down what has this world come too sick sad confused world.
hell yeah..we are too over populated as it is now..stop breeding all together ..thank god i can’t have kids,don’t want em..if i wanted to hear the pitter patter of feet,i’d get a DOG! well,honestly animals are well,way better anyway..brats are annoying as hell anyway.
I know a girl who had a rough life, got pregnant at 16 and is now 23 and has two children. Neither child are in her custody, they were raised by me and two other people for three years. Regardless of the type of life mom had lived, I watched both boys starve, live in trash ankle high, stay in poopy diapers for more than 24 hours and it made me sick. For a long time, I did not want children after that, when I have to step in and raise someones else’s children I want to cry.
Mom was not incapable, she was smart, beautiful and knew how to parent, she just refused to. She would rather sleep around with other men, make drama on facebook and have others clean her house.
But I also knew a girl that was 16 and got pregnant, and then went on to be the best mom in the world, I think its a choice.
My recent post, “You’re Too ____ To Get Pregnant!” had some very interesting comments on it. (You’ll have to go read it to see!) Basically, they were stories of moms having babies under circumstances that kind of make you go, “Huh?”
Then there are the women who are, self-proclaimed, “Not right to have kids.”
Having kids is amazing and wonderful and a lot of women do choose to have kids. But are there women out there, for whatever reason, who maybe…shouldn’t?
I know it’s a touchy subject, because the vast majority of moms love their children and strive to do their best. No one “measures up” all the time, but most moms truly love being mothers, and that’s what’s most important.
But then there are those moms. Usually they’re the ones you hear about in the news: the ones whose child died because they were negligent or they abused the child. The seriously dumb stories like bullying a child until she commits suicide, vegan parents who starved their child (I totally believe it wasn’t the veganism, it was their lack of knowledge about an appropriate diet for a child and unwillingness to seek medical help), or even a mother who breastfeeds while driving.
These stories just make you wonder what the parents were thinking. And honestly, I think they make a lot of people wonder: “Should they be parents at all?” If they are that negligent about a child’s health and safety…how can they be good parents? We all make mistakes, but starving your child to death — literally — isn’t exactly one of those things where you can say, “I screwed up, I’ll do better next time.”
We might even look at some people, perhaps those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, or have other extremely difficult life circumstances, and say, “They shouldn’t have children.” The motivation being that those children will not be well-cared for unless the parents are able to stop their addictions. Other mothers look at those children and the circumstances they’ve been dealt, and their heart hurts.
Then, on the other hand, there are women who just don’t want children. They have no desire to be parents. Society would brand them as selfish: everyone should experience the joy that is having a child…right? But honestly, if they don’t want to be parents, should they? Would a woman (or man) who truly does not want to be a parent be a good one? Sure, there are plenty of women who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant and come to see children as a total joy and can’t imagine life without them. But there are parents, too, who say, “I wish I hadn’t had children.” Which is worse…not having children in the first place, or having them and then regretting it?
So, realistically…are there women who just shouldn’t have kids?
Top image by flequi
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Rather than JUDGE other WOMEN. Why not HELP each other? That would be far less selfish than to just turn the other cheek and think… Not my problem or I feel bad for those kids. Things happen, plain and simple. THINGS HAPPEN. All over every day. Most people here have made a point to say why someone else should have kids. I would bet that every mother, every where that has kids has had a moment or more that they looked around their life and said OH CRAP what was I thinking, or I am not cut out for this. So many opinions and not enough support for each other! When Women wanted to vote they came together and made that happen. When women wanted equal pay they came together for that as well. But when WOMEN NEED to hear a kind word, or need someone to say, Hey would you like to bring lil George(ina) over and leave her for a while to play with my kids? You could get some time to get caught up on the house, or take a moment for yourself so that you are refreshed. BE A FRIEND. Not a JUDGE. Be a good Grandmother, Not a JUDGE. A good neighbor, teacher, principal. Just because NO ONE else can hear what ur typing doesn’t mean God or Your Karma can not… You know what, rather than sit here today, and read this. (this site is becoming trash like most others) I am going to head on over to a friend of mine, that has 4 kids, shes a single mom. She has a disc disorder in her spine, (recently diagnosed) I bet she could use a hand, and a ride to the park for the day!
Enjoy your day… while your out, or stuck to your computer. COMMIT A RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS, Rather than your typical acts of Judgment!
I don’t care nor judge any woman or man who don’t want to be parents. To each their own and if they don’t want them, they don’t want them. I don’t think it makes them incomplete. Feel ‘whole’ is relative to each person.
Do I think they’re missing out on one of life’s most awesome wonders? A little. Would I ever think to say it, of course not. Do I think it would make a difference in their decision. Of course not and it’s none of my business. I agree, if they’re happy w/out, leave it be.
On the other hand, women who have children and regret, that’s just sad. Maybe they were young and thought it was a fix all for their lives, making up for their lost childhood… maybe they were pushed into by their grand baby wanting parents or in-laws, a spouse… who knows. I will tell you I know of a woman that just barely turned 30 that does regret it. She moved here and had a very pretty picture painted about leaving a city and settling down. After landing here (abroad) in no less than 3 months she complained she wasn’t pregnant yet. (Imagine, 3 months! *eye roll*) When she did get pregnant, it was quickly followed by a photo love fest, blogs about the pregnancy and a huge what I think is typical of her generation ‘look at me, look at me’ period. Since the day she had her little girl until now, she still regrets it. I find that incredibly sad. Poor little baby. This person I know is an overachiever and just had to prove to everyone she could have it all. Now what?
As a former daycare employee, YES there definitely are people who shouldn’t have kids. The ones who drop their 2 year old off in pjs and nighttime diaper when we open, and pick him up 12 hours later when we close, asking that we don’t put him down for a nap so they can put him right to bed! And these are usually the wealthy, professional married parents, most single parents or less fortunate were more attentive.
I’m sorry but there are some people who shouldn’t have kids ever, especially the ones who abuse, neglect, and even murder their own children. I believe these people should not only jailed, but they should be sterilized as well. The rest out there who are not the greatest parents are really in need of guidance, parental education, and even mentoring b/c for the most part, their bad parenting comes from a place of ignorance and lack of suppport. And for those who knowingly choose not to be parents, I applaud them because they know what they want and they respect thier limitations about parenthood. Being a parent isn’t always a blessing. No one is perfect, but I wish more “bad parents” would make an effort to do better by thier kids.
I am one of those women who feel I shouldn’t and don’t want to have kids. I’m to be 40 next month, and not ever have I felt the urge to have kids, though many women told me that my “biological clock” would start ticking sometime after 30, and I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge. It has never happened. I think most women think I am strange for not wanting kids, but they are such a huge responsibility, and I can’t see why anyone would want to have kids. It probably doesn’t help that I was an only child, and didn’t have many friends growing up. Childhood is not something I like to remember too much. Don’t get me wrong – I love other people’s kids, and enjoy spending time with them, but I also enjoy saying goodbye when their parents take them home, knowing that the responsibility is theirs. Maybe I’m selfish, but if that’s true, so be it. I think it is better that I know I don’t want them, than to have them, and find that out later.
Yes, obviously some people don’t want to parent or are not responsible enough to parent. But when I see comments on here from those saying they support abortion rights because some people shouldn’t be parents, that is opening up a whole different subject. Abortion is not just about refusing to parent, it is about refusing to let another human being live. Adoption is a good choice for those that find themselves pregnant and realize they can’t handle being a parent. Even later after a baby is born, all through childhood, if someone needs to they can put their child up for adoption for a family that is prepared and desiring children. I personally know a girl who was adopted as a teen and another case where a mother felt she needed to give up her 2 year old for adoption and he has been so happy with my relatives who adopted him years ago. And we should all try to lend a hand when we are able to help encourage and give support to other parents and children, even those who are unborn.
I still believe that my parents should never have had kids. They’re both so messed up. I never had much of a childhood because it was spent crying,yelling,being screamed at,and hit. I lived in fear and,as a teenager,developed so much anger and depression,I felt I lucky to have lived to see my 18th birthday,(I truly believed,when I was young,that either my parents would kill me or I would have killed myself). I went through some years,after moving far away from home,where i thought that maybe my parents weren’t so bad,even had a few decent conversations with my dad. But then,after moving out of the country and getting married,we visited my parents a few times,only to have to visits end in tears because they started treating me the way they did when I was growing up. My husband even admitted that he thought he was going to have to pull my dad off of me,thinking he was going to hit me! So no,even all these years later,I still believe that my parents weren’t fit to have kids. They wanted being that they could control and that sit quietly and did exactly what they were told to do when they were told to do it,all with out question. They didn’t know what to do when we were beings with personalities and opinions. Wish that people had to go through psychological testing before being allowed to have kids. I’ve gone through so much therapy,years of it,all with the goal that I will be the best person and the best parent that I can be. Now,I’m pregnant and I’m still fearful that I will become my parents. It always stays with you.
I have 2 friends who have come to the decision they don’t want to have children, yet they are not “allowed” to get their tubes tied!!! The Doctors won’t do it “because they will change their minds”!! Both of my friends are in their 30′s, college educated and very well informed about their bodies. Why can a doctor tell them they can or cannotdo something with their own bodies? It is not fair; I am reasonable certain that a 30 something man can go in and get a vasectomy with no major issues! Not every woman wants to be a mother and their decision should be respected, not minimized by the medical field.
If a person does not want to have kids, they should not be made to feel guilty for not having parental urges. It’s nobody else’s business. And yes, there are people who should not have kids. A certain case which got a lot of press recently is a prime example of someone who should never have had a child.
Wow, what a way to start a Monday morning, however I was intrigued by the title caption. this goes out to :Anonymous commented on May 31 11 at 8:45 am. Lady you got it dead wrong!!! There are those of “US” out here that have tried to render assistance/aid/support only to find ourselves being used and abused in one way or another. Whether it’s the parent that needs “time” that you assist only to find when to “given” time for pick up occurs she’s NO WHERE to be found and won’t respond to phone calls or texts. Or that she needs “money” to get the “children” something food/clothes/school supplies what have you only to find out that she NEVER intended to do any of the above, so you call yourself smart and you GO gett whatever items she claimed the children needed and A) they never see them B) She let’s the dog chew them up C) she’s to frippin lazy to “fix” the food. Ok so you take it one step further and bring a prepared meal, so that YOU know these 3 children 14,10,5 can have a decent meal, well I’ll be double damned if She isn’t the first one into the dishes “HEAPING HER PLATE FIRST” and then when the CHILDREN “try” to serve themselves, cause she’s busy eating now you hear, “don’t try to eat up ALL THE FOOD” come out her mouth. YES THERE ARE MOTHERS OUT THERE LIKE THIS!!!! When you see the children with dirty clothes,faces for the millionth time and you mention it because you’d have to be Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles blind not to see it, you get some jacked up flippant remark “I hate doing laundry, I hate cleaning house, I hate cooking”,
meanwhile you take one look at her and she’s dresses to the nines. Excuse the hell out of me that’s part of the job you took on when YOU DECIDED to have children. They DO NOT come into this world with a brief case in hand and pen stripe suit ready to “take on the world” and take care of you!!!! Hell, this same women beat her 9 yr old for doing the “responsible thing” by telling her jump rope coach that she could no longer participate, because she got kicked out of choir. Understand choir is an “ELECTIVE” that’s held @ the same time lunch hour is and she and another child from choir decided as most 9 yr olds would that they didn’t want to go to choir after lunch, but instead go out and play. She picked the wrong battle as the battle SHOULD’VE been why did one child get kicked out of choir and the other didn’t,as opposed to beating the child for informing the jump rope coach that she couldn’t participate anymore. This same woman ALLOWED her children to go 60 days without lights from March 29th -May 29th, indeed she had those same children she claimed to “love” doing their homework by candle light like our fripping founding fore fathers. Well honey if that’s “LOVE” please don’t love me, but she could charge her laptop in the laundry room and sit out side on the stairway FBing as if everything was fabulous. Yeah and don’t even come to me with I should’ve reported her, cause I did and CPS here has so much blood on their hands it’s not funny, needless to say they really didn’t give a damn. But getting back to my point Anonymous commented on May 31 11 at 8:45 am, You “CAN’T HELP women who: A) refuse to help themselves B) are “STUCK ON STUPID” C) refuse to UNDERSTAND it’s not about “YOU” anymore.
You wonder how do I “know” so much, this woman is MY child. She wasn’t remotely “raised” in this manner,she was an only child, she didn’t have a “tragic childhood” nor was she abused mentally/physically and for most of her life she WAS considered “highly intelligent”. When the “family” found out she was pregnant in the spring semester of her senior year we all did whatever was needed to see that she continue on with her education. She got her Renal Dialysis Tech certification from job corp which was what she wanted to do. She did well, she and my oldest daughter moved and they were doing well until her 21st. Birthday where she met a man at her party and moved him in less than 2 weeks later. They did get married however she was pregnant again at the time of their marriage, everyone in the family prior to them getting married tried to tell her he was into drugs even his parents, but we’re all “old” and don’t have a clue. Marriage didn’t last to long, they broke up, she started seeing and living with yet another guy. During this time she and her ex were “still” seeing each other, which no one else knew. Her ex got caught up in a drug deal gone bad and was killed, well again she was pregnant and since no one knew that she was “still” seeing her ex, we ALL thought the baby was the product of her current beau including him. Low and behold the drama that ensued in the delivery room the day my grandson was born will never be forgotten. I’ve never felt so bad for another human being in my life, there was NO MISTAKING the child wasn’t his and the look of hurt and shame on his face will forever haunt me. In the past year she’s been evicted twice for non payment of rent, she gets survivor benefits for the youngest 2 children and she works so there is NO EXCUSE. NO EXCUSE for no food in the house besides whatever the children can microwave or fixed themselves. NO EXCUSE for them not to have clean clothes or a clean living environment, NO EXCUSE for them to look like orphans or worse than any 3rd world children.NO EXCUSE for them to call us up to help them with their homework over the phone, if it’s on when she’s sitting right there on the couch. As I stated earlier I’ve been the route of CPS, even tried to go through the courts, but somehow with ALL the evidence presented and ALL the witness’ they STILL think these children should be left with their mother. No matter the cost of THEIR SANITY, WELFARE, and SECURITY. Wait for it…… guess what she’s currently pregnant due to deliver any day here. So yeah, I CAN STAND and go toe to toe with those of you who are thinking differently about the post.
THERE are WOMEN IN THIS WORLD THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS!!! We’ve all seen them, it’s not making a JUDGEMENT, but to those of us who are and have been “MOTHERS” you can SEE when that “SPARK OF MATERNAL INSTINCT” is ABSENT. There’s no mistaking it, there’s a GREAT DIFFERENCE” in an “new”mom, an overwhelmed mom, a fatigued mom, an exasperated mom and someone who just doesn’t give a damn.
I share this because I know I don’t have to carry that “guilt” I did my best in every sense of the word, her and those children’s situation are due to “HER CHOICES” no one else. The family will continue to “support and love those children” and try to help them see the world correctly and hope and pray that
will be enough.
Yes I think some women should not have kids or be allowedto have them. I’m actually dealing with this issue right now with a family member that’s related to my fiance. Right before Christmas this person decided to take an un-known vacation for herself, didn’t even think twice about it. She has 4 kids 2 that are out of the house and 2 toddlers.Her and her 2 kids live at her mom’s house if it wasn’t for her mom I don’t even know what would happen to the kids. These are one of those people that live off of us tax payers and could care less. Anyways back to when she decided to take an un-known vacation for herself she didn’t think of what she was doing. She told her mom that she was taking a “friend home” well she called back about an hour or so later and said she was having “car problems”. It turns out car problems yeah she let the guy barrow her car and he totaled it.She didn’t contact anyone after that for 2 days, she lost her job and her kids had no idea what was going on. Here while she was away I knew there was something up with her she was back on her drug addiction. Here she worked 2 jobs (she lost her full time job for her stupidity). She has the second and that’s when she’s getting her drugs. even though with 2 jobs collecting WIC and food stamps she had the nerve to ask for money for diapers. My fiance and I work hard for our money we have a new baby and yet she asked us for money when sometimes we struggle to make rent. She’s a free loader and I have aa hard time helping these people. She was spending her money on drugs and Alchohol. People like her make me so mad I threatend to take her kids for lack of parenting. She doesn’t bath them or brush their hair. She has insurance through the state and here she neglected to take her kids to the dentist and the little girl is 2 and they already had to pull 2 teeth for lack of dental hygene and she had an abces. Her son that’s 4 has fillings, crowns, and gingavitis already. WTH is wrong with people if you see there are problems why wait till it’s too late?!
Celeste, my sista! If I could hug you right now, I totally would. My mother always said she never wanted kids, but in the South, abortions just aren’t done. My parents’ lack of desire for children came through every day of my life, starting with my earliest memory being told to go to my room for daring to ask why the sky was blue at the age of three.
I, on the other hand, have always wanted a child, and my DH and I struggled with infertility for years before conceiving the little one we are due to have in just a month. I’ve been terrified ever since I found out I was having a girl, because I never want to become my mother, and give my child the complexes she gave me.