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Baby-Safe Alternatives To Common Recreational Drugs

In their genius new book Let’s Panic About Babies! authors Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy fearlessly address the ubiquitous, yet rarely discussed problems women experience in pregnancy.

For example: the mental battle between the desire to get f****d up and the urge to not f*** up your kid.  To the expecting moms tortured by this struggle, Bradley and Kennedy offer the following helpful chart.

BABY-SAFE ALTERNATIVES TO COMMON RECREATIONAL DRUGS

COCAINE: Drink an espresso in a toilet stall in an overhyped nightclub.

HEROIN: Eat an entire chocolate cake with your hands while sitting on a cold kitchen floor.

SPEEDBALL: Drink the espresso and eat the hot chocolate cake at the same time. Wake up in an unfamiliar hotel room.

ECSTASY: Do a YouTube search for baby pandas. Then have sex with someone.

MARIJUANA: Slip into a tie dyed caftan, lie down on the floor, and listen to the original Broadway cast recording of Godspell, breathing deeply and with an open mouth in time iwth the music. After fifteen minutes you will be somewhat light-headed. Persuade someone to go buy you a box of oreos. Tell them you’ll pay them back later.

MUSHROOMS: Dump a box of organic raisin-and-hemp clusters (or other ceral that contains at least one ingredient you despise) onto a cookie sheet or large cutting board; pick out all the raisins/ingredients you hate nad put them in the bowl. PUt the rest of the cereal back in the box and then eat the bowl full of the ingredient you hate, morsel by morsel, meditating on how wretched each bite is. Then go outside and look at a bush for three hours.

GLUE OR OTHER SOLVENTS: Bend over and try to wedge your head between your knees. Stand up quickly! Now fall back against a dirty beanbag and groove to the pleasant buzzing and tunnel vision.

LSD: Get your tie-dyed caftan back on, and go out onto the sidewalk and spin in circles until you inadvertently wind up in the middle of the street. All that honking means that people like your outfit! Keep spinning.

BARBITUATES (“DOWNERS’): Tuck a ctnip-stuffed calico mouse into your cheeck. Curl up beneath your grandma’s hand-crocheted afghan and remember how she used to make you soup.

AMPHETAMINES (“UPPERS”): Fill empty medicine capsuls with Tang drink mix. Take seventeen capsules every half-hour. Drive until you find an amusement park and then hijack a rollercoaster.

Buy  Let’s Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain, … Turn You into a Worthwhile Human Being here.

photo: Atom Ess/flickr

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