What is the Best Age Gap Between Children?
Before I had children I knew I wanted to have more then one. I knew I wanted to have them close in age like my siblings and I are because I feel that adds to how connected we are. I knew I wanted my kids to have the forever-friend in their brothers and sisters as I have with mine.
When my husband and I were planning our family we kept that in mind. Our older two are only 14 months apart and that seemed to be the perfect age-gap for me. I wasn’t yet into a pattern of sleeping through the night, they were close enough they eventually ended up in the same diaper size, they played together and they were (and still are) best friends.
Then there is my youngest (Babe E) who is 2 years apart from her sister and 3 years apart from her brother. We had hoped to have them closer in age but things just didn’t work out that way. I was worried that she would feel left out, that the older two wouldn’t want to play with her and interact with her too much.
Now that she is near 3 years old I can see that worry was pointless. They play together well – they are close and you can see they will (hopefully) always be that way.
I can’t help but have the same worry if there is a next time…
Is there ever a time where it is ‘too late’ to start over? To go back to the newborn stage once you get used to a life of kids, toddlers and independence? I worry about all that as my husband and I talk about adding to our family. I know that we have to keep in mind how adding another member will affect everyone – it’s not just as simple anymore as it was when it was just Ryan and I.
If we were to add another one I think by the time all is baked and out – our kids will be at least 7, 6 and 4 years old. Is that too big of an age gap?
::How far apart are your kids? Any advice?::
I don’t think there’s ever an age where it doesn’t work. We have a 14 year old step daughter, a 6 year old and a 18 month old. And we’re trying again. The oldest is a great baby sitter and our 6 year old is a great sister and helper. I think there are pros and cons to every situation.
Yes I had to start all over again with diapers, bottles and sleeplessness, but it was great because I had a little helper and she goes to school during the day leaving time for me and our youngest.
I would have liked them closer in age but life situations don’t always work the way we hope. Once their adults, I don’t think 1 year or 6 will make a difference. I’m close with my sister who is 6 years younger.
The lovely advantage of larger age gaps is that your last child is out of diapers, sleeping soundly through the night, and is more independent—all things that make caring for an infant so much easier. Older children can even be helpful in caring and playing with the new baby. The mother has also had a break of sleepless nights between children and so is refreshed for the next. Things like spacing aren’t something all parents have the luxury of planning when nature doesn’t cooperate—there are always bright points to be found with the deck of cards your dealt. And these are great pluses.
I am 7 years older than my brother, and we spent a lot of time playing together, even when I was in high school. I remember spending hours putting pegs into a Light Bright, putting together train tracks, playing board games, helping him with his spelling words. Those are wonderful memories for me, and I have never once wished we were closer in age. Now that I am 28 and he is 21, we are still close.
My brother is 13 years older than me. Though he did (I am told) help take care of me when I was a baby for the greater majority of our lives we were on different pages and seemingly from different planets. It wasn’t until I went to college and later got engaged that we finally started coming together again. We’re closer now me at 25 and he at 38 then I think we have ever been. Though, we still aren’t as close as my wife and her three younger brothers are who are much closer together in age.
Between the oldest and youngest in my family there is 15 years difference and the rest of us fall in between (split family but 6 kids all together). I always thought that the 2 yr age gap between my older brother and I was the best but as we are almost all grown with the youngest now being 19 we are starting to have more in common with the younger ones. My sister and I are 7 years apart and have nothing in common and never have but we also lived in different homes and are VERY different people. I honestly think it depends on the family and how the kids are raised. If children are raised to be close, kind and caring to ine another, then they will always be that way. Kevin and I have already decided that name calling, making fun of, play fighting etc will NEVER be allowed or encouraged etc in our home….you as the parent will help foster the closeness your children will have with one another!!
My son is 6 and I have an 8 month old. Sure, it’s hard to go back to baby proofing, and dealing with Legos of doooooom but it’s way less hard than doing it the first time. We didn’t choose the gap, biology did, but it’s fine. The boys will have a chunk of shared family life, separate friends and interests, and hopefully end up close as adults. There are no guarantees!
I have 3 kids my son is 19 and my middle daughter is 14 and their baby sister is 8 months age doesnt matter to the two older ones they love their lottle sister and their seems to be less jealousy thatn when it was just them two now they spoil their baby sister
I have an 17 year old, a 13 year old and a 1 month old, all boys. Families work, no matter what the age difference. The teens adore their new brother and spoil him
My Husband and I have a 10, 8 and 7 year old…we recently added to our family on Sept. 1st…we were worried too, as it was an unplanned pregnancy but the older kids love it, they love helping out with taking care of the baby. I know they probably wont be as close as they are with the other kids but they will still have a connection.
I am 22 yrs old and I have a sister who is 20 yrs old and a brother that is 9 yrs old. Me and my brother are just as close as my sister and i are.which is very very close. tell each other everything, come to each other for things before anyone else, & still play together, Now that i am expecting my first child my brother will be 10 yrs older than my son close to the same age as i was when my brother was born. I dont think the gap makes a difference in the closeness,
I have a daughter who just turned 17 in oct, My step son who turned 11 this ast June and our son who will be 3 in Dec. So, I did start over and to tell the truth it couldnt be more perfect. My other two kids are wonderful with my little man. They all get along very well and are very close. I am hoping for 1 more and that will be at least a 3 year age difference. Not exactly what I planned but I guess God had other plans in mind for my family and he was so right. Loving my life
My sons are almost 8 years apart, my first little man was a bit of a surprise right out of highschool:) Big brother is such a huge help and loves his little brother to pieces. He calls him “my little squishy boy.” I don’t feel like I’m starting over, my firstborn is very independent and it makes things easier, and he’s not jealous at all.
I have 5 siblings with an age difference of 18 years oldest to youngest and so I was always wanting to have at least 4-5 kids but I am only on my 2nd now who was born last week and he has a 17 year old sister. I really would like at least one more so that he has someone to play with as my daughter did not, but either way if I don’t, I know his big sister will always be there for her little brother. Now, my siblings and I fought like cats and dogs, especially my sister and I who were only 17 months apart, and still dont quite always get along as adults. As a previous poster (Tanya) stated it “depends on the family and how the kids are raised” of which I totally agree. So it is never too late to start over, your older ones will enjoy helping with the new baby.
There are 6 total kids in my family (mixed family). I will focus on my mom’s 4 kids for this comment, since I grew up mainly with them, and am very close with all three of them.
On of my very favorite people in the world is my big brother, Doug. He is 7 years older than me. We didn’t get along much when we were kids, but we didn’t..not get along, either. He shared a room with me when I was a toddler, and I feel like we were probably close then. My older sister is 4 years older than me, and we are NIGHT AND DAY different people, but still get along really well. My younger brother is 2 years younger than me, and one of my roommates right now as well.
Basically- all four of us get along. We are all MUCH closer than most siblings I know personally. Even Dave and Doug (almost 9 year age difference) now in their 20′s (21 & 29-almost-30) hang out frequently.
So my opinion is, even if your kids go through phases where they don’t get along, it is still possible for any age difference to work out in the long run. I would be lost without my siblings.
I always knew I wanted more than one child. I’m the oldest of 5 and one of my best friends is my sister and we are 14 YEARS apart. So when I met my husband and he said he wanted 2 or 3 I was like WOOOHOOO! Someone like minded, right? WRONG! My 2 or 3 man decided that HE didn’t want anymore kids when our daughter was about 3. So what do I do? Do I stick it out and hope he changes his mind? Do I leave over this one thing? For years we argued about it back and forth, with much resentment about two years ago the subject came up (our daughter is now 12 at this point) I told him through many tears that I gave up on that dream. It was heartbreaking. A few weeks later he came to me and said “Let’s do it. Let’s just go ahead and do it.” So in January of 2011 I gave birth to our second child, they are 14 years apart. I think we appreciate it more, as well as each other believe it or not, and enjoy it a lot more. It’s NEVER too late to start over!
My oldest is 19, my current youngest is 13 and I am due December 18, 2011. I also have a step-son that is 15. Everyone is very excited on the new addition of a little sister.
You need to look at the scientific data that provide guidance on this topic. Research has shown that children should be at least 3 years apart. The first child suffers to some extent when the second one arrives, no matter what you do or think based on anecdotal evidence and beliefs. Children do not need to be friends until later in life when age differences of 3 or more years are less significant. Each baby needs to have three years of personal attention for sound development. This is not based on opinion, but scientific fact from specialists in child development. Parents need to do their homework.
I am almost 11 years older than my oldest brother, and my two brothers are seperated by less than two full years. I would say that I have a closer relationship with each of them than the two have with one another, despite them being much closer in age, although because I helped so much with their care as a much older sister, I suppose the bond I feel for them is more of a protector than a traditional sister. As someone mentioned earlier, I think that any age gaps can really work, although maybe the roles the siblings play in one anothers lives may be different depending on the differences in age.
I think the spacing issue is a silly worry. Each family has a pattern that will work best for them, and they should follow that.
I have three siblings who are 10-12 years younger than me and we have a great time. My husband has two siblings that are 2 and 6 years younger than him and they have a great relationship. He also has two other siblings who are 21 and 24 years younger – and we have a blast with them as well.
I think there are benefits to any age difference and what works for the individual family is what matters. There are no rules – and there definitely aren’t age requirements that pre-determine closeness or a lack thereof.
I have a 20 year old son from a previous relationship and am now pregnant with twins due in April! I never really thought about the age gap. I always new I wanted more than one child but never expected twins! lol
I don’t think it is too big of an age gap. My oldest child will be 17 next week and two weeks later my bun in the oven will pop out. My older son is very excited and always rubbing and talking to my belly and says he can’t wait for his brother. There is no such thing as too big a gap for siblings. Maybe for us as parents there is–this is tough starting over.
I am 7years younger then my brother and were are just as close now as we were when we were kids we had our normal sibbling fight but we also had great times. I know have two kids of my own and there 2 yrs and 2 weeks apart there a hand full but I know there gonna get in each others hair but the will also have so much fun together like i did with my brother
I was 19 when I had my son who is 22 now. After being married and trying to conceive for 3 years, we finally had our daughter 10 weeks ago. Huge age gap but I wouldn’t change it for anything. He is a huge help and loves his sister so much.
that is dumb. so every kid that is less than 3 years apart from his or her sibling is doomed and gets less attention or attention deprived.
congrats tracy! i think there is such thing as too big of an age gap. they have way less in common. they will always have their connection though.
My sister is 13 years older than I and we are best friends! I can remember going out on dates with her and can’t remember a time when my brother-in-law wasn’t around. There isn’t a perfect time between your kids. My friends was pregnant when she went back for her six-week check up! What matters the most is how they are parented.
my husband new before we even had our first child/ daughter that we would have 3 kids. that was our lucky number. i knew before i got married, i wanted 3 too. i have one older sibling, a sister. i always wanted to have one more sibling for my kids that i didnt have. so if #3 is a girl then my husband is afraid we will have to have 4 kids because we would have to try for a boy. lol i’m glad that i will have 2 girls though in feb, just like my mom i will have to girls. i think its so cool. life is full of surprises.
My sister is 17 years older than me, my dad had her in his first marriage. We have been close as long as I can remember…our whole lives…she is my best friend. We talk everyday on the phone because now we live far apart we talk for hours sometimes on the phone and we talk everyday, she is the only person who completely understands me and I understand her. We are so much alike it is kind of weird. Sometimes I feel like we are time warped twins with esp. lol. It would have been nice to have been able to grow up with a sibling, but I cannot imagine my sister and I any other way. Even when I was young we were always close. She always went out of her way to make sure we spent time together and loved me to pieces by the time I was 12 we were best friends talking every single day and I going to spend weekends with her. So I believe siblings will be close no matter the age gap.
i think it really just depends on the kids themselves. generally speaking, i don’t think it matters too much about the age gap. if the children are close in age, they’ll do a lot together, cuz they’ll be into the same things, be learning things around the same time, etc. if they’re farther apart, the older sibling will be much more inclined to want to take care of the younger one, which also yields a close relationship. my first 2 are 14 months apart, and they fight ALL the time. i know they love each other, but they seem to annoy each other most of the time. maybe because one is a boy and one is a girl. they’re 5 and 6 years old now. then we have our youngest daughter, who is 2 years old. Angel (the oldest, my son) is definitely the protective older brother and always wants to help her with everything, teach her things, etc. Bella (my oldest daughter) seems to be suffering from the middle-child syndrome….one minute she’s acting like the older sister, the next she’s trying to act like the baby. so that’s a bit of a struggle that we’re trying to work through. we now have a 4th on the way, who should be here just before my youngest turns 3.
personally, i don’t want to have any more children after this one for a few reasons:
1. 4 children is more than enough for us
2. i don’t want to be a constant baby-making machine. i want to take family trips and just enjoy my children. it’s hard to do that when your constantly pregnant or have a baby to worry about.
as it is, my oldest will be 7 years old by the time this last baby is born. by the time this baby is 5 years old and is old enough to ride on rides on disneyland, etc., Angel will be 12 years old. almost getting to the age where he’ll want to spend more time with his friends than with his family. so i want to spend as much time all together before we start losing them =/
My oldest sister was 11 when my other sister was born and 13 when I was born, my middle sister and I are 18 months apart. My middle sister and I shared friends growing up and she STILL resents me for that, and my oldest sister resented both of my parents for making her babysit us when we were little. Of course she and we were told she had no authority and then she was left “in charge” with still no authority, she was no allowed to punish us for some reason, so she learned to really dislike us as well. I must say though, now that we’re all older I get along with my oldest sister better than my middle sister but all 3 of us get along really well anyway, I just have more in common with my oldest sister than my middle sister even though the age gap is so great.
I am closer to my sister (15 year gap) than to my brother (3 year gap). It’s a personality thing.