The past few months the adoption was a great distractor for me. In the grief process of losing the boys, I had something to cling to. Some kind of hope to hold onto during rough days or moments where life seemed to stand still.
Losing a pregnancy is an odd thing. For those of us who lose our babies earlier on, it’s almost like life starts over again. At the point of before you were pregnant. Most of the time, there is no room ready yet. No gifts to put away. No crib to take apart. Just a life that started over again but with a whole different outlook.
So in a way, we were so mentally, if not physically, prepared for the twins that having them gone was a shock. Adopting kept us on that path until our minds could wrap around healing and coming to terms with what really happened. It became my extended pregnancy in a way — I had something to ensure that eventually I’d get that family. I’d have a little one to hold and snuggle with.
But it can easily take over. And the past few weeks I’ve had to check myself at different times to make sure that I’m putting the child I have here with me first, as well as my marriage and my grief process. We don’t have an adopted child yet, so in this time I need to focus on what I do have. A little girl, a husband, my writing, my friends.
This is a long process. It’s hard to not try to speed things up quicker, to get impatient with how slow things can move. But it doesn’t do anyone any good – all things happen in the time they are supposed to. Rushing the process to get a child serves no purpose.
So I slow down. I remind myself that my daughter is still so young, and I need to be present now with her. To enjoy her smallness, to cuddle and play with her while she still wants me to more than anyone else. I spend time with my husband as we try to reconnect after all of this. We form tighter bonds so when the time does come to bring a little one home, they come back to a healthy, happy family that is emotionally ready to handle the ups and downs of adding another child into their home.
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption in progress on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances.
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