The Adoptive Mother's Dilemma: Should you label your child as adopted
Should you label your child as adopted?
I was sitting in the sandbox with Katie as she busily tried to cram a handful of sand into her mouth. “Katie, give the sand to Mama; don’t eat it. That’s yucky.” Katie dutifully dropped the gritty clumps into my hand. “Mama,” she said. “Katie,” I sang back to her. “Mama, mama, mama,” Katie chanted to me. It was her favorite word. “Yes, love, Mama’s right here.”
We had company that day – there was another mother with her baby in the sandbox. I noticed her look curiously from me to Katie, then back at me. She watched us, taking in my dark-brown eyes and even darker brown curly hair, then openly staring at Katie’s incredible blue eyes and pale-gold hair. I knew what was coming. The mother could not help herself. “Where did she get those blue eyes?” she finally blurted out.
This wasn’t the first time I’d been asked this question. I live through this scene in waiting rooms, on store lines : everywhere. I watch as strangers examine my daughter and me, unable to reconcile the physical differences. I answer to their curiosity: “Is your husband blonde?” “Who has the blue eyes in the family?” “Wow, you are awfully little to have such a big daughter. Is your husband big?” Some days I just find it easier to reply with, “My mom has blue eyes,” rather than explain to them that her birth mother is actually the one to credit. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed; I just don’t feel the desire to reveal Katie’s personal situation to strangers.
Katie was in foster care when we adopted her. Before getting to her door, we had lost a baby, suffered through fraudulent birthmothers and birthmothers who rejected us. We traveled back and forth by airplane to Katie’s town 14 times before we were able to bring her home. Is this something I really want to get into with people I don’t know?
When my husband, Andrew, and I are out in public with Katie (and now our two biological younger daughters), we often see families with children that are instantly recognizable as adopted: Usually it’s two Caucasian parents with Asian children, although there are certainly many other combinations of parent and child. The population at large sees these children, notes that they are of a different ethnicity than their parents, and deduces that they are adopted. But since Katie is the same ethnicity as we are, people do not assume she is adopted. And yet she looks so different from us that people stare and try to make sense of it.
Their scrutiny makes me feel like I have a secret, and as time goes by, Katie, too will bear the burden of the secret. A little Chinese girl with Caucasian parents is not carrying around a “secret” about her adoption – her situation is already assumed. By contrast Katie will continuously be evaluating social circumstances as she grows up, deciding whether or not she wants to disclose the fact that she is adopted. Since she’s still young, I frequently make the decision for her. And I struggle with it.
Each time people ask about Katie’s blue eyes, I know the answer is far more important to the impressionable child standing next to me than to the inquirer. It’s a delicate dance: I do not want Katie to feel the stigma of being different yet I want her to embrace her uniqueness. If I avoid telling strangers the truth, will she feel as if it’s something to be hidden? Studies show that it is healthier for adopted children to acknowledge that they are adopted and to accept that they are different and have special emotional needs, but Katie should not think of herself as my “adopted daughter” – she is simply my daughter who happens to be adopted. How do I show her that it is okay to be adopted without constantly labeling her? I do not know the answer.
Perhaps Katie will be blissfully well-adjusted, regardless of how I answer these questions. And perhaps Katie will spend years in therapy, struggling to accept her adoption. The dance continues, the choreography always subject to interpretation, to refinement. As we dance together, moving and leaping through space, I am confident of what matters: I am her Mama, and she is my baby.
So sweet!!
As you know, I so get this (too): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-buttenwieser/biracial-daughter-long-haired-son_b_849440.html
I loved your essay. It’s complicated on so many levels. Yet that first certainty: I am your mama is essential. The rest will fall into place, yes? With some steep learning curves thrown in.
As an adult adoptee, I can tell you that it is vital for adoptive parents to be comfortable talking about adoption — although that does not mean you have to tell every insensitive person the whole story. I had a similar experience; I was a white child adopted into a white family, but looked different enough to incite intrusive questions. There really is no way around awkwardness and a feeling of difference for most adoptees; but I do believe the way adoptive parents navigate conversations about adoption is extremely important, not just for the adjustment of the adoptee, but for the entire adoptive family.
Don’t feel bad at all. Yes as you know it is easy to spot childern that are from different countries that have been adopted. But there are many kids that are adoped because of divorce and other situations too. And well your situation is beautiful. I personally am a child of a situation just like your little one. My mom lost a child at birth and then adoped me. 15 months later she had my sister. Then 10 & 13 years later adopted my 2 brothers. I am not ashamed to be adopted or anything. I know I have loving parents and am in an amzing family. Sometimes people just don’t know what to say. It is just sometimes when people ask a mom just after having a baby and they still have baby fat when they are expecting. They don’t know they are sending that person home crying and feeling bad. All this person did was notice your little one has beautiful eyes and was just maybe trying to find a way to let you know how beautiful she is. Or to find a way to come over and talk to you. Don’t feel so bad. I know familes with natural kids and one has black hair, one has brown hair, and one has blonde hair. You would think in some ways they are adopted but they aren’t. Just know that you adopted your little one with all the love in the world and no matter what color eyes, hair or anything they are yours. I wish you and your family the best. Don’t think so bad about things just take everyday as a blessing and love all your kids they are yours and you have been blessed to care for them and love them. You will always be her mom.
I contemplate this every day. My son is my son, not just my “adopted son”. We adopted him at birth, and he turned 3 in April. We also have a biological daughter who just turned 9. For the first year or so after we brought our son home from the hospital, whenever we would meet someone, my daughter would always pipe up with ” and he’s adopted”. Yes, most people knew we adopted an infant and for those who didn’t, I had to explain to my daughter that it wasn’t really important how he became part of our family. I explained that it will be “his story to tell” in a sense. I related it somewhat to the tattling issues we were having at that stage in her life. Remarkably, my children look very much alike and have olive skin and brown eyes like my husband. As each day passes and he gets older and more aware, I become anxious about what will happen with his increasing knowledge. We have an open adoption, but have had very little contact with his birthmom (birthdad was never in the picture). I imagine that new people will never assume that he’s adopted, hence my point about it being his choice to tell. We’ve talked about a little bit, but I don’t know that he has any idea really what it means, but he will someday. Until then, I often feel like we’re just waiting until he’s old enough to understand, but in the mean time I just love him as much as my biological daughter. He brought insane boy energy into our home, but I can’t imagine life without him.
I am also an adoptive mother. My son is a different race and I also have two bio kids. I often get asked “Is he yours?” I just answer, “Yes, he is.” Most strangers making comments are geniunely curious and may even be interested in adopting themselves so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am sure your daughter will grow up secure in her identity.
What about just saying “she gets it from her birth mother” and leave it at that? Or would people still press with questions?
I’m adopted and now that one think about it, I cannot once remember my mom volunteering that info to a stranger. She always let me be the one to say it, if I felt like it. I think I like that she wasn’t broadcasting it to everyone, but yet I knew it wasn’t a secret to our family friends.
We always smile and share a secret look when random people will comment on our physical similarities (we do Not actually look alike one bit, ha!). My mom usually leaves the response to me, but it’s typically “oh my dad’s family has curly/red hair” (that part is true, I just found out, on my biological end, as well).
I would go through phases growing up when I would tell everyone I met, like I had to blurt it out, “well I’m adopted and blah blah” even if it wasn’t 100% relevant. Now, I don’t mention it unless it really is relevant to the topic, or if I’m talking about my birth families and don’t want to confuse people.
I think saying blond hair/blue eyes/etc “runs in the family” is a good route to take. I mean, it’s true (you may not be referring to the same family..!). Your manner of speaking is probably more important. Smile to Katie (best name ever, wink wink!) and make it not a big deal. Have you asked Katie if there’s an answer she’d prefer you to give?
Umm I have dark hair and my kids are pale blind and blue eyed as can be. I get asked all the time if I had blond hair as a child. I feel this is peoples polite way of asking if these chilkdren are mine. Yes they are mine my flesh blood and DNA, and so what if they werent? what gives a person the right to assume they “KNOW” something they dont have a slue about. Genetics can be a funny thing. Ill also add that it’s noones business if your child or anyone else’s is adopted and it’s just plain rude to ask unless you are very close with someone and then you would probly already know wouldnt you?
I am adopted too. There is never a time that I don’t remember knowing. My parents and siblings never hesitated to talk about it ever. The only time I could see that my mother had issue was when we fought in grade or middle school. Inevitably she would say ” I suppose you want to find your real mother now”. We are our worse selves when stressed or angry. My mother never felt as if I was not her “real” child. She was however afraid that I felt that way. In my youth the thought of that “secretly” plagued her. To be honest reading your story felt sad to me. It seems to me you are conflicted in some way. Societal pressure is tough. I know…my son has never met his “biological father”. Pulling from my personal background, maybe it was easier for me to help him and other people with awkward or flat-out stupid questions about our family. I will say if my family could not openly talk about my adoption I would have felt shame. Like I did something wrong and needed to hide that fact about me. Next time someone asks you that question, say “Did you know Cher’s mother and her son Chaz are both blond?”
I don’t know anything about adoption, really, other than what I’ve read but it seems to me that simply saying, “She’s adopted” should suffice if someone asks about a difference between your and your daughter’s appearances. If they press beyond that because they’re personally interested in adoption, I’d probably be willing to talk to them. If they press beyond that in a way that simply feels nosy, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “Oh, we don’t discuss that outside the family. We’ll let her discuss that when she’s old enough to decide to do so.” People really need to learn to butt out. I can’t believe the commenter below who said people ask, “Is he yours?” What terrible phrasing; people just don’t think.
I think that the more adoption is spoken of simply and matter-of-factly, the more common it will seem to people for whom it’s not common and the fewer of these questions there will be, eventually. The more I read about adoption, the more I’m inspired to think about it if I decide we want to add another child to our family.
People ask all kinds of dumb questions. Some people ask really ignorant, ridiculous questions and other people just ask innocently because they are curious and they feel they have the right to the information. I understand this very well because I have a severely disabled son. People ask me lots of questions about him, why he is disabled, what is wrong with him, is he in therapy, I could go on and on. I don’t like these questions either, but it does no good to spend my life frusterated and irritated that I am asked them. I usually just say something like, “He is just wonderful the way he is” and walk away. Before my son was injured, I was very sensitive to pleasing people. Now, I have learned that I don’t have to explain anything to anyone. You are fortunate that what you are being asked about at least seems innocent on the surface, even if it triggers traumatic memories for you. You don’t owe them any answers. If you don’t want to answer, just say, “We love her blond hair.” If the person persists, I’ve even said things like, “You know, I’m just not comfortable answering that question.” It feels rude, sure, but I don’t want my child to hear my long winded, full of pain explanation of why he is different. I owe him a lot more than I owe some stranger. Good luck to you.
I am a Caucasian woman who was adopted by my Hispanic father at age 5 or 6. I gre up calling him “daddy” and though I knew he wasn’t my biological father, I never considered him anything other than my dad. It was never an issue as a kid, and only now as an adult do I feel discomfort disclosing it. So maybe it’s an adult thing?
I tend to ‘lie’ a lot on this one, not out of shame, but because it’s easier and frankly, because it’s none of their business. But as my son is now getting older and understanding more and more (almost 3) I find it harder to just blow of the question with ‘why yes, my husband IS blond” Which he happens to be, so that makes it simple for me. But when I do disclose that our son did not come to us by biology, I make a point of saying we adopted him, rather than he is adopted. I don’t know if anyone even picks up on the difference, or if it will help his view of things as he grows up, but in my mind, making a point of saying it that way, we are not labelling HIM, we are explaining a circumstance.
People ask such nosy questions… I’ve commented on a child’s eye color before (as a brown-eyed girl I’m fascinated by blue or green eyes), but would never ask where they got it from.
I’m not in your situation, so I don’t know – but I liked what CMK said about limiting what you say, to “we don’t discuss it outside the family” unless a person is asking adoption advice, I guess.
My mom was adopted, and she knew as long as she could remember (both my Grandma and her sister had scarlet fever as children and that’s why neither could have biological children), and my husband and I have considered adoption ourselves before I got pregnant with our four-year old, and still consider it. I find adopted children no different from biological children, it’s just they got their family a little differently.
If you are worried about how she’ll feel when she gets older or how to explain it, it’s best to be honest, but never fear, there is media that supports adoption. There is a very good book that I know of by Jamie Lee Curtis (Tell Me About the Night I Was Born… at least I think that’s the title). There are also more adopted children in shows aimed at younger children, for instance Buddy on the Dinosaur Train.
One thing is certain, she is your baby and you are her mother. Don’t ever let her forget that the love you have for each other is what makes a family.
Adoptive Mom, I really like your phrasing! It definitely sounds better to my (sensitive) ears
I was adopted at 2 minutes old I came out of my birth mother and went to my mom and have been hers ever since and its has never been a secret it has always been a celebration in our lives that I was chosen to their baby, I was picked. I don’t ever remember being told I was adopted it was just part of who I was, and they were never my adopted parents or I was never their adopted daughter they were and are my parents and I am their daughter plain and simple no matter the difference in my hair color and eye color, and even my height and weight. I think its important to for any adopted child to always know the truth, and how lucky and special they are, childhood and teenage years are hard enough with out hidden secrets or insecurities about who they are. And I sure wouldn’t let a few people’s ignorance determine how you share something with your child.
I think as a kid, something like “we don’t discuss it” would sound like “we are hiding/ashamed”… It sounds a bit extreme, and like you’re making it into a bigger deal than it is. Why would you want to be so secretive? Yes, it’s my business whether I tell people I’m adopted or not, but saying it like that sounds like there’s something “wrong” with adoption. Just my impression
My older brother is adopted (adopted at birth), and much like your daughter, he looks nothing like my parents or me, even though he is also caucasian. It was never a secret that he was adopted, it was like I always knew, even though I can’t think of a time it was ever really discussed, and my parents certainly never introduced as “this is my daughter and my adopted son!” My parents told me that they told him early on that he was adopted, and that they told people who asked about his (red hair blue eyes) that he was their adopted sob. End of story. Adoption is a wonderful thing, and you owe no one any explanation. But my advice is to never make it an issue, it is a fact, and how lucky are you that you got to be her mother, and that she gets to be your daughter.
he was their adopted SON!!! OMG, sorry for the typo, I’m distracted today!!!
Of my three biological children, 2 have flaming red hair and 1 is the blondest blonde, while I have dark brown hair and hubby is blonde-ish. We are often asked if the kids are “ours” and if they are all related. Even stranger, more than once women have asked if they could take my reddest redhead to the salon to get his “color” matched.
I usually just say, “I don’t know where they got the hair from,” without answering if the kids are “mine” or if they are related to each other.
I am adoptive mom. I am white and my two boys are hispanic, so I think we are in the situation where most people could probably guess that I did not give birth to them based on our appearances alone. When questions come up, I pause for a moment and try to determine the intention of the person who is asking. If the person has a malicious intent, then they don’t deserve a response and I move on with my life. If they are asking out of genuine curiousity, then I don’t mind providing a brief explanation. I have found it is very effective to turn the question around on people and simply respond “Why do you ask?” This gives me a moment when I am caught off guard by a rude question and tends to make the other person back off a bit. I like to label myself by saying, “I am an adoptive mom” rather than saying “He is adopted.” They are just kids and don’t need to be labeled. One other resource that other adoptive families may find helpful (I know I did) is the “W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook.” It is a workbook appropriate for school age kids in adoptive families that teaches kids a formula to handle intrusive questions. Our adoption agency showed us this book first and I later purchased it for my kids. I know it was intended for the kids, but it was also very empowering to me!
None of my children are adopted, but I frequently have strangers ask me about my daughter’s very blonde hair and fair skin. No one else in our family of five shares these traits. I just shrug, smile and say “Genetics are interesting aren’t they?”
I think it is wonderful that you posted this. We often hear about transracial and transcultural adoption, but it is refreshing to read a same race adoption perspective. We run an Adoption Identity Class at Adoption STAR that addresses these same circumstances. No one can predict what their forever family will look like whether they join your family by birth or adoption. http://www.adoptionstar.com
I think some of these questions are just ice-breakers between moms that have to sit with each other on playgrounds. It IS interesting how genetics work. It’s also interesting that some kids have blond hair that turns to brown and striking eyes, no matter what color, are just something to comment on. So, if someone asks why my daughter has curly hair I always assume that it is a way to get a conversation started with a fellow mom. I think most people you run into are not making judgement calls or trying to get you to admit to something they think is deviant-I think 99% of the population doesn’t give two s**ts whether someone is adopted or not. It’s just hard to make conversation out of nothing sometimes. That’s all.
I am adopted, and it was never “not” mentioned in the instances that you described, or as close to them as we had. I actually looked like my adoptive mom, and people would say, “Wow, your daughter takes after you so much!” and my Mom would reply, “Amazing isn’t it, considering she is adopted!” and I think that is how it should be done. I think by not mentioning her adoptive status when people ask about her eye color is almost shaming… I would rather hear something like, “We don’t actually know where Katie got her beautiful blue eyes from, as she is adopted. Aren’t they fantastic though?” That way you are never diminishing her heritage that she has received from her biological family.
In my experience, there is nothing to struggle with in terms of accepting adoption when it is acknowledged happily within the family. We talked about it, my adoptive parents were always positive in regards to my biological parents (We had limited information, but they would always say things like, “Your bio-parents must be a wonderful people to who created someone as great as you!” which to a kid is a pretty big compliment!)
I think normalizing it, making it part of conversations where it comes up but not bringing it up for absolutely no reason (See my daughter, she has blue eyes nothing like mine because she is adopted! –> That would be silly) is the best way to go about things.
I feel you on the fact that it isn’t a stranger’s right to your personal info but people are so upfront about things. My issue is that I am single mama (and only involved parent) of a little boy who looks exactly like me but is quite tall. When we are out people often look at me (I’m not very tall) and automatically say, “Oh he must have his daddy’s height” or “Is he tall because he has a tall dad?” My kid doesn’t really know about having a dad so that usually confuses him and then I have to talk about this guy when I don’t really want or feel the need to. Sometimes I feel like just starting out with “No dad questions or comments today, please.”
Can you say something like, “Oh I know, aren’t they such a pretty color?” Just because people ask a question doesn’t mean they need a statement in response.
I was adopted and my curly black hair contrasts sharply with my parents and brothers who all could have come straight out of Hitler’s wet dreams with their straight blonde hair and blue eyes. As a child I remember my parents getting “where did she get such dark hair?” on a regular basis. If it was someone we had or were going to have an on going relationship with (the family moving in next door) they answered that I was adopted (nobody, by the way, ever asked them to go into the whole adoption backstory… at least not in front of me) but if it was someone we’d never see again (the waitress at Applebee’s or talkative man at the grocery store) my dad would say his father has dark hair, which is true. I’m not sure if they had moral qualms about how they handled the situation but I think it was a fine way to handle it and I’m pretty sure it didn’t scar me.
Good article. I have bio children and I get the same comments so it is not an adoption thing so much as just something people do. I have a redhead and until recently my hair was not red at all. So I got “Where did he get his red hair!!!!!!????” comment almost daily. They finally stopped a lot when I dyed my hair. Part of the reason I dyed it was to get the comments to stop. My husband does not have red hair either. So I wonder if they think we adopted him or if I slept with the milkman or something? Actually besides my dad as a child and some distant cousins of my MIL, no one has red hair like his in our family.
My twins also don’t look alike at all so that gets a lot of comments too. I think people in general just like to comment on things as a way to try to be friendly or just feel the need to babble.
God bless you for adopting and congratulations on finally getting your baby! Just continue to share whatever you feel comfortable sharing with strangers. It is up to you what to say. Sometimes I go into things, sometimes I don’t. It depends on my mood and if we are in a hurry or not and other various things.
I have seen adopted kids look like they would be biological because they look so much like the parents! I have seen them be very different too. In the end, it doesn’t matter. What matters is love and being a good parent and you got that down!
Like Adoptee2, I had the opposite circumstance – I have always known I was adopted, but we got a lot of comments about how much I looked like my mom or dad. I know that emphasizing the similarity rather than the difference may have made it easier for me, but regardless of how my mom responded – sometimes she’d just be polite, sometimes she’d mention that we were adopted – I always felt like we were sharing something special these other people didn’t have access to – our own family history. I think however you respond to the people who comment, and it doesn’t have to be the same response all the time, how Katie will feel about her history will have more to do with how your family treats it among themselves!
My biological daughter is blue-eyed and blond while I look a lot like the author of this article. Nobody has ever asked me about her blue eyes / if she’s adopted / if she looks like her father (she looks exactly like her father) etc. I’m always thinking somebody will ask or look strangely at us, but so far nothing. Maybe people in Boston are less likely to ask a forward question like that.
Congratulations! I hope Katie always knows the wonderful love you have for her! My daughter looks like my mini-me. Side by side you can’t tell our baby pictures apart and still people will comment on her beautiful blue eyes. As a child hers sparkle and shine, (usually with mischeif)Mine are not as bright I guess. They are both Blue and yet I will still get people ask me where she got her beautiful blue eyes. I just laugh and tell them, The Blue eyes are from me, it’s my son’s green eyes I wonder about!” My point is of all the things you tell Katie Telling her you love her will always be the most important.
Until I had my DD, I didn’t realize it was “okay” to comment closely on someone’s skin tone, hair color, eye color, etc. People constantly say to me “your daughter is soooo much darker than you!” She is? I’m beige-ish, and she’s more olive. It’s certainly not an insult, but it feels very rude. They have commented on both mine and my daughter’s skin tone in that one statement. I just give a half-smile and say “hmmmm.” Really, I think that should cover any characteristic question/statement. If they stare at you because they expect an answer, just ignore it. You don’t owe strangers an explanation for your children’s appearance, adopted or not.
Both my parents are from Puerto Rico, but have vastly different conplexions. My father is as Dark as Eddie Murphy, my mom as tan as Jennifer Lopez…
The world sees them as Black & white (or hispanic on closer examination). My whole life has been spent with strangers looking from mom to dad, from me to my brother, then to mom & dad trying to reconcile the difference. We look exactly like my father, so when I wandered away around 2 (in a mall in the 80s), when I was found they didn’t beleive my mom was my mom!!! I never understood this, or this type of delema like the author described, until I had my son. This Black Hispanic woman fell for a light haired, blue eyed German/Irish boy…
He result? A golden brown colored, honey haired, and sinful eyelash that frame medium brown eyes. The kicker? Hes tge spitting image of his father? The other kicker? He looks almost nothing like me for 2 years. When my tan colored Hispanic friend walks around with us, in a store & mall, she & I know whats coming. They look at me, Afro lush and crowning and skin the color of cinnamon, then at her with green eyes & tan skin…
“aww how cute, is he yours?” they ask her, even when Im pushing the stroller!!
I cant understand the dynsmics that adopting add, but I understand the often rude & questioning looks & comments.
Now I don’t bristle, I laugh and smile & say with pride “Nope, thats my little guy”. I run my hands through his sparse honey curls & pat my Fro and cheekly add “His Fro is still on back order”. Then I kiss him & appreciate our differences ecen though others might not be able too.
I am adopted. I lost my adoptive mother and my biological in the same month 20 years apart. I was well aware of being adopted and appreciated knowing the truth but it never changed that most people don’t get to choose their children. I know without a doubt I wasn’t and accident and my adoptive mother, MY MOM, loved and wanted me. That’s what made the difference. I miss her so much. Telling her let’s her know she’s wanted and loved.
I find it incredibly rude to ask about the paternity of a child that is unknown to you. Why is it your buisness to begin with? My younger sisters are adopted but they are darker than me and I always felt that the questions were phrased with an undercurrent of suspicion that was unwarrented and unfair to them and my mom. Whenever someone asked our family we always responded nicely with “Why do you ask?” It usually made the other person uncomfortable b/c it highlighted the fact that they might have overstep thier boundaries with us. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be curious, but it’s in really bad taste to ask someone such personal information. How would you feel if someone came up to you and asked if your kids were biologically yours, how much you make, how much you owe in debt, or even if you’ve had a comsetic procedure without them knowing you? In fact, even if they do know you, these type of personal questions are inappropriate anyway. Most adopted kids know they are adopted and I think that it should really be up to them whether or not they want to disclose that infomation if it isn’t already obvious to the world. I think that if you are gonna ask that type of personal question, you should be prepared to answer a personal question in return if asked of you. Maybe it will give others enough pause to keep thier own curiosity to themselves.
I get asked if my adopted sons have the same father as they “don’t look alike” I answer this two ways, yes they do, my husband and I say they all look the same when they are naked it’s only their faces that are different. I am raising my children to be really proud of being adopted but sometimes it is hard in the face of what people think it’s ok to ask.
I have the same struggle. I don’t want my son to think being adopted is something shameful, therefore secret, but I don’t think I need to share his private information with strangers either.
So far, I don’t have any good answers.
I have sometimes had people assume I am my child’s nanny when we are out together. I don’t see anything wrong with ignoring or deflecting intrusive questions. You’ll be in situations with friends, teachers, relatives, etc where the subject of her origins will more suitably and naturally come up which gives plenty of opportunities for her to see it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
My husband and I are on the same boat, dark hair and eyes and our daughter who was adopted with her fair skin blonde hair and blue eyes. We tend to deflect the question with humor. Our favorite line when asked where she gets her blonde hair/blue eyes is having my husband shrug and tell people i tend to sleep around or that the mail man and I are very close, while I nod in agreement. Something humorous that deflects the question, generally it doesn’t get brought back up. We are very open with our daughter about being adopted and all our family and friends obviously know, but I don’t see why strangers are privy to her story.
Parents with young children born via egg donors (or sperm donors for that matter) face similar issues. Some people intentionally select donors with similar physical characteristics for this reason (although there’s no guaranty there!) and others don’t care about this. Don’t have any “right” answer for you, but just wanted to pint this out.
I agree with EM — I would just say “yes, she’s beautiful isn’t she.” If the person was just trying to make conversation, they may not even notice that you didn’t exactly answer. If someone still presses for an answer, at that point they are being rude & you can say “why would you ask?”
I love this article. I had the same thing happened to me – where I was curious about the kid and didn’t know what to say but now I know – knowing that it can be very sensitive to the parent. thank you!
I was adopted, and I am an adoptive mama as well. IMHO, I think it’s important to recognize and celebrate your daughter’s birth-heritage and give credit where credit is due. When people ask where my son got his beautiful curls or dimples, I say, “They’re from his Poppy/birthdad.” Or when they comment on his gorgeous eyes, I proudly say, “They’re from his Tummy Mummy/birthmom.” You want your daughter to feel good about her roots, even/especially if her birthparents made poor choices. If they pry more you can always say, “That’s her story, and she will get to decide how much and when to share it.” I feel strongly as an adoptee that if my parents had said I got my eyes from my grandma, I would have felt that they were trying to hide my adoption or were ashamed of it or were ashamed of my birth heritage. I know that’s absolutely not your intention, but I just wanted to share my perspective as an adoptee…sometimes we hear what is not said.
“Labeling” sounds bad, but keeping the truth covered up by not acknowledging the adoption is worse.
I can so relate to this post. As a gay dad with twin boys, I’m asked a plethora of questions from inquisitive people and find myself in a dilemma similar to yours. If my partner is not with me, people will comment, “Isn’t it nice that you’re giving mom a break and taking the kids out for a few hours.” Or they’ll ask, “Where’s mom today?” If they learn that my kids have two dads, they want to know if it was adoption or surrogacy. If it was surrogacy they want to know which one of us is the “real” dad and “How much did they cost?”
I am adopted and I have known from a very young age. That never made it a stereo type for me. I chose when to share not my mom. many of my friends did know know until high school. As I grew older I looked more like my mom and less like someone else’s child. I have two other sisters and one is only 10. People think my mom is raising my child and I have dealt more with that then with my own adoption. Adoption is a marvelous thing and we never expand we just simply say we are adopted and leave it at that. There is no reason to tell the world your whole story. You love your children no matter how you get them and they are yours and meant to be yours. I know this for a fact because my little girl is the spitting image of her aunt at the same age, and yet there are no genes to relate them. We celebrate our family days (the day we got to come home) and to us that is a bigger deal than our birthdays.
My youngest is the biological child of my partner and I, and people comment all the time on his red hair and blue eyes. I think because they are recessive traits, they are seen as rare. The fact that they are recessive traits, though, does provide the perfect answer to “where does s/he get those eyes/that hair?”
My response is always: “they’re fabulous aren’t they? red hair/blue eyes have to be inherited from both parents, really” As another commenter said, mostly folks are just looking for an ice breaker. And the answer would be fully factual.
I’m adopted- a white girl with a white mom, but we don’t look much alike. I remember as a child people making comments or asking questions, and even as a little girl I judged them as just a little bit silly.
My best advice is don’t worry too much about it! My mom never made it a big deal, and so it never was. I have a brother, also adopted, who kinda sorta looks like me, and he is fine, too. I have had people comment to me that they feel so comfortable talking about adoption with me (implying that it’s more awkward with other adoptees). I credit my mom for just treating it like a non-issue. I’m convinced her attitude allowed me to be open and unashamed about it. Kind of off topic, but I’ve never even been motivated to find my birth mom. I thought that the birth of my son would be such an emotional moment because- my God! he looks like me!- but it really wasn’t (for that reason, anyway). Relax and you’ll be fine! 
my daughter has big blue eyes and curl blonde hair… i often get the question”where did she get thos beautiful blue eys from.” on my dads side everyone has blue eyes but me. and they run rampant in my mothers family as well. while my eyes are green and her fathers are brown. it is not weird in my family for the the children to look polar opposites to there parents in coloring. so we all get akward questions like that. its a bizarre question whether the child id biologically yours or not. they could have said look at those beautiful eyes which you could comment on where they came from or not.
I know lots of adopted kids and adults that were adopted as kids. With adoption becoming more and more common, don’t sweat it. When asked these awkward questions, you can do something like this: Scoop up Katie or give her some sort of physical attention (such as a hug or tousle her hair) and simply say “She is adopted. I chose to love her even though she is not biologically mine” or something like that. Let her know that even though you did not give birth to her, you chose to give her life. Be proud of adopting her and she will will grow up proud of being your daughter. I applaud you and all the mothers and fathers out there who choose this path. You are truly a blessing!
I once read about a Mom in passing conversation, “Why yes, one of my kids WAS adopted, but I forget which one it is . . .”
If it were me and some one asked where she got her blue eyes, I would simply say God gave them to her.
My Baby brother(now 50) had red hair, the rest of us had brown. It was on his fathers side way back. People don’t always look like their parents.
How sweet. You can always tell her that she wasn’t “adopted”, but choosen. GOd choose to bring her into your lives and family and no matter what may have happened before she is a special gift from God!
I think when the time is right you can share with Katie but explain it as Jania said she was chosen!! However the lady in the sandbox had no right at all to ask you anything because it was none of her business!! People need to learn to stay in their lane!! I have an adopted son and close family and friends however I dont think everyone has to know because its none of their business!!!!
It is not unusual for children to look completely different then their parents. My daughter has fair skin, big blue eyes, and strawberry blonde hair. Though she is the spitting image of me, her father is tan with brown eyes and dark hair. People just assume that she is the “milkmans child”. Though its not quite the same as assuming adoption but it is the same as people sticking their noses in business where it doesn’t belong. I dont think it is appropriate to even mention anything especially infront of a child. Whether it is either adoption or genectics that makes our children look different, the fact of the matter is they are our children and that is all that matters.
I have a similar but different dilemma. A close relationship with my birth son. Having him as part of my life leads to who’s that? Wow you look like your mom! How do you know them? All responses usually lead to awkward silence. My relationship with my son and his parents/ family is amazing but for the outside world the fact that we all are friends and have a functional drama free relationship seems to be inconceivable. he has known he was adopted from an early age it has been part of his culture his life. Not for the parents but for him, there is not big reveal, his life is not to be ashamed of. He is who he is and should be proud and confident about it. He knows who his mom is, and in turn where he came from. He is not confused who to run to when he is upset or excited or for cuddles. His mom, but he always has a special relationship with me too. The more people to love him.
I have a similar issue – my daughter, 13 months old, has dwarfism. At this age, she looks a bit different, but many people just assume she is younger than what she is. I often am faced with unasked questions and being unsure of what to say and what not to say. There are times where I do share a LOT with strangers, but there are other times when I am deliberately vague because I don’t feel like telling the same story over and over to someone who neither understands nor really cares in the first place
I am adopted, and while I can’t say the right thing for other kids or other parents, I can say I was on the one hand told my being adopted meant I was special and chosen, but on the other hand, I was not allowed to talk about it and any questions as to the origin of my blue eyes, my freckles, my fair complection, and my height were answered with vague references to family members from whom I understood I had NOT received these qualities. It was very confusing and upsetting. I also have two younger sisters – my adoptive parents’ biological offspring, which impressed upon me that, as special and wonderful as I was for being adopted, my parents never tried to stop having “real” children. And my younger sisters exploited this during that vulnerable time where it wounded me deeply and they didn’t know better. But now, at nearly 40 and pregnant with my third child, the one thread that remains is the one where I could not ask my questions, and if I dared, I was met with either shaming (e.g. “Why can’t you just be grateful?”) or dismissal (e.g. “There’s no point in discussing this”). My birth story has changed dramatically over the years, but it has always contained the element of my birth mother not wanting me and refusing to look at me when brought in by the nun trying to change her mind about my preciousness.
My point? First, my family is not so much healthy. Second, and based purely on my personal experience, the ability to ask questions and to feel special and to be treated like one’s adoption was a blessing, not a concession to be explained, and for one’s parents to be able to tolerate and understand the curiosity that comes with being a child who’s been given away…. to not make the adoption about you so much as about all of you – these are the things I wished I’d gotten. Your willingness to confront these questions and struggle with them honestly and openly will go a long way toward validating questions your daughter might have…
I appreciate that you wrote this article, and I’m eager to see all the comments. I have a similar issue – my beautiful, darling 19-month old daughter is adopted, and I have dealt with similar issues as you, with the comments and questions from strangers and the wondering (or in some cases, split-second decision) about how to respond. In some circumstances, I get the opposite comments than the ones you describe…in several ways, my daughter has several physical characteristics in common with me, and strangers will note it. I suppose the physical resemblance to her birth mother’s family may be one of the reasons we were chosen by her birth mother to be the adoptive parents. However, it’s difficult to explain how she has brown eyes, when my husband and I both have blue eyes, and when someone notices that, it means they are ready to “dig in” to solve the mystery. Sometimes, I just don’t want to get into the conversation with a stranger, or in the presence of my daughter. Yet, I don’t want to appear to her that I’m trying to hide the fact that she’s adopted. I view it as a matter of her right to privacy, as you suggested in the article. Anyway, thank you for the article, as it reminds me that we are not alone in this situation, and I look forward to seeing what others have to say.
This all could have been avoided, it’s simple and pure common sense, no offense intended however she is NOT your daughter, we all have just one true mother and that women is who brings us into this world. This is why guardianship is preferable as to stay away from all the lies and propaganda of adoption and it’s industry and selling points. She is who she is and has a mother and you are her second mother so to speak there is nothing to be ashamed about and she should be encouraged to know her ancestors she will never be like you, she may mimic you for a while but then nature will take over and it has been already prove that nature and genetics surpass environment (don’t believe it do your research for her best interest not yours) Having seen many posts such as this one it never ceases to amaze me how much it’s all about the adopters best interest and nothing about the child, Think about her best interest forget yours , practice empathy
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