Sometimes, when I’m laying wide awake in bed at night, massaging my aching hips, my mind wanders. I smile when I think about the little person wiggling inside me. I picture looking up at my husband after I’ve delivered him and smiling together for the first time as a new family. I dream up many happy moments of our soon-to-be new life as a family and it makes me so emotional. But mostly, I think about how much life as I know it is about to be flipped completely upside down and I have to admit… that scares the heck out of me.
The funny thing about being pregnant is the emotional roller coaster it puts you on. There are days when I feel like I absolutely can’t bring myself to wait any longer for our little man to arrive and then there are days when I wish I had a little more time. Don’t get me wrong. Every single cell in my body is unbelievably elated to bring this little boy into the world and I know that I will love him with every single piece of my heart. However, when I start thinking about how different our lives will be, it really makes my head spin. On one side of the coin, I am ready. I am ready for sleepless nights, poopy diapers and worrisome moments as a new parent. But the other part of me really aches for the life I have now. I like the way things are. I like my routine. I like lounging in bed for as long as possible on Sunday mornings, skipping out on responsibilities for a day and heading to the coast or going out to dinner with my husband on a whim. I think of all the things that we won’t be able to do for awhile and it honestly hurts.
However, I do have to say, I’m pretty sure I’ll like my new life as a parent exponentially more than the life I’ve got right now. I mean, how could I not? I love my husband more than anything and the excitement that comes with seeing something that we’ve created together brings on a whole new level of emotion that I haven’t even begun to experience before. I just think it’s all a part of “not knowing”. Not knowing how parenthood will affect me and how it will affect my life.
My Dad recently told me this: “You have love for your parents, for each other, for your friends, relatives, animals, possessions… plenty of different kinds of love. But you have never thought about, let alone felt, the level of love you are about to experience. It is so overwhelming and emotional, your emotions will overflow when you first hold him. Unbelievable is the only word you can use to describe it.”
Thanks Dad. Even though sometimes I’m a little bit anxious about becoming a parent, I’ve got a feeling you’re right.