This week marks what would have been my due date for the baby I miscarried last June, just one day shy of my birthday. I’ve been watching as many of my friends and even my cousin gave birth this week, and I can’t help but think that could have been me as well.
Although I am due to give birth to a healthy baby girl in six weeks (or less,) I can’t help but mourn for what I lost.
Miscarriage was something that was completely foreign to me. I’d never heard of many of my friends or family members that had experienced it, so it was never something that I thought I would have to encounter. I thought that because I was young, in good shape, and got pregnant extremely easily with my first, it would happen the same the second time. I almost felt immune to the fact that anything like that could ever happen to me. Boy was I naive.
Although I wasn’t very far along in the pregnancy and never saw our little one on an ultrasound screen, the loss hit me harder than I ever could have imagined. This was the first time that my husband and I were actually trying to have a baby and I was so thrilled when I saw a positive pregnancy test, I never thought that anything would go wrong. I sat and cried for days not wanting to speak with anyone or even get out of bed.
I was silent and didn’t express what was going on with most of my family and friends, because miscarriage was always a topic that just wasn’t discussed. It was what I thought of as an “off-limits” topic. It wasn’t until I got through the first trimester with this baby that I felt I could be open about my loss.
As I’ve gone through this pregnancy I couldn’t help but also count weeks that I would have been with the other pregnancy. I don’t know if that makes me crazy or neurotic, but it was something that helped me cope. This week I’ve remained quiet about the subject because I didn’t know if it was normal for me to be feeling the way I am, knowing I have so much to look forward to in the next month.
Is it okay to mourn a loss when you have a life to celebrate coming into the world very soon? Is it normal for me to recognize the due date of a child that I miscarried? Should I be feeling this grief? These are all questions that have been running through my mind this week as I try to get through the fog in my head.
As I try to come to grips with these feelings, I know I will always hold a special place in my heart for the little one I miscarried. For now, I am going to focus on the positive things I have going on in my life, including the upcoming birth of my daughter.
How did you cope with your “miscarriage due date?”
Photo Greg Hayter via Flickr
Also on Babble: How I survived and coped with 10 miscarriages