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Dear Fake-Bump-Wearing, Way-Too-Skinny Maternity Model

image credit: Gilt

Look at this chick. You are not fooling anyone, just ticking me off and making me feel even crappier about my girth. Fortunately, I have a hysterical and witty friend who just so happens to be due within days of me that sent me this little gem of a response. It was so satisfying, I couldn’t resist sharing her open letter to maternity models. Thank you Elizabeth Andia.

Dear Maternity Model,

If you’re not pregnant, please don’t model maternity wear. It just makes those of us who actually are knocked up feel like crap. And we already have enough to contend with, ie. hormones, nausea, itchy boobs, shying away from the camera not toward it, no stylist, no cocktails, etc. etc.

Your J brand ultra skinny jeans?? On what planet?

And those five-inch spike heels? Are you freaking kidding me? I will stab your eyes out with those heels. I won’t really. But I will think about it to make myself feel better about the fact that shortly my feet are going to be water balloons and my shoe selection will become ever more limited until I finally resort to thinking that beaded suede moccasins are actual outdoor shoes. Fortunately for me, they’ve been on trend in the last 12 months so I just might get away with it.

image credit: Gilt

In this next photo you look like you weigh about 95 pounds. I don’t care if it’s true or the fault of your lying sack photo retoucher. Me no likey. Please don’t shove it in my inbox / face, under the guise of “30% off Maternity Styles!”. It’s just mean.

I want to see pregnant women. Not sticks with pregnant bellies. If you’re 7 months pregnant and you can still see your vagina when you look down, then you’re lying — you’re not pregnant. We don’t wear the same clothes. You see, we’re pregnant from head to toe — in our brains, in our faces and in our slowly but surely developing extra chins, in our unexpected but very real side fat, in our ta-tas, in our too-friendly-with-one-another thighs and eventually even in our feet.

Thanks,

Elizabeth

#aintgotshittowearandyourskinnyjeansainthelpingme

Ahhh, that was satisfying, wasn’t it?

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