I had a moment of panic at the doctor’s office yesterday not unlike what a claustrophobic would go through if stuck on a crowded elevator. It was just another ultrasound (not the pleasant kind) and as I was being poked and prodded there came a sudden moment where I wanted to scream at the ultrasound technician to just stop. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had just gotten up and run out of the room without putting on my skirt.
Luckily, for everyone’s sake in the office, I pulled myself together and silently shed some tears as I thought to myself that this is it. I’m done. I need a break.
It’s been over six months of going to the doctor weekly, a countless number of blood tests and ultrasounds and several emotional discussions with the doctor. I thought I was at the point where it was no big deal and becoming complete routine. What I didn’t realize is that little by little the emotional factors of dealing with infertility were wearing me down and that’s what caused my breaking point. It became too much emotionally.
Tomorrow we go in for our fourth and final IUI and then we’re taking a break. I don’t know how long it will last, maybe next month I’ll change my mind but for now I need some time away from the complete frustration of infertility. This does not mean my desire to bear children is any less or that we won’t seek further treatment in the future. It just means that for my sake and for my husband’s sake, it’s time for a break and that time is now.
Dear infertility, please respect our decision and let our hearts rest.
image: Frances Borg
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