Dear Infertility, I Give Up
I had a moment of panic at the doctor’s office yesterday not unlike what a claustrophobic would go through if stuck on a crowded elevator. It was just another ultrasound (not the pleasant kind) and as I was being poked and prodded there came a sudden moment where I wanted to scream at the ultrasound technician to just stop. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had just gotten up and run out of the room without putting on my skirt.
Luckily, for everyone’s sake in the office, I pulled myself together and silently shed some tears as I thought to myself that this is it. I’m done. I need a break.
It’s been over six months of going to the doctor weekly, a countless number of blood tests and ultrasounds and several emotional discussions with the doctor. I thought I was at the point where it was no big deal and becoming complete routine. What I didn’t realize is that little by little the emotional factors of dealing with infertility were wearing me down and that’s what caused my breaking point. It became too much emotionally.
Tomorrow we go in for our fourth and final IUI and then we’re taking a break. I don’t know how long it will last, maybe next month I’ll change my mind but for now I need some time away from the complete frustration of infertility. This does not mean my desire to bear children is any less or that we won’t seek further treatment in the future. It just means that for my sake and for my husband’s sake, it’s time for a break and that time is now.
Dear infertility, please respect our decision and let our hearts rest.
image: Frances Borg
Infertile at 29: What’s it like to succeed at everything but IVF?
i’m so sorry… don’t give up hope! totally understand that a break is necessary though.
Dear Melanie, I am sending you all my love from the UK, hope it gets there on time xxx
Oh girl, I’ve been there. We took a break after 4 IUI’s as well. I completely get that it’s very taxing on yourself and your partner and the relationship as a whole. All the while you are expected to be a normal person, going about your regular life and work schedule. Take some time, put it on the shelf. You can always take it back down when you’ve found that little extra fight that’s in there somewhere.
A break after this IUI sounds like a good idea (as the one very cheerful RN at my RE’s office would say “unless it works!”). I needed one after my EP – a total break, too, condoms and everything. The RE was ready to go, but me, not so much. It was nice to remember that sex is fun, and that I’m a woman married to a very attractive man, not just a defective lab rat. I made a rule for us that we have to check in once a month or so to see how we’re doing, if we’re OK with what’s currently going on, and what we want to do. So far, that’s working pretty well. Good luck tomorrow!!!
My heart is breaking for you Melanie. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through. All I will say is that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Well done you.Well done for trying, for giving up, for talking about it, for being honest – to yourself and to us, for being kind to yourself and for maybe having another go.It is heartbreaking and yet so insightful.My brother and his wife are struggling with this and it is so,so wonderful to have some words of reality and comfort, of shared experience.You’re doing an amazing thing by writing about this.Love from another UK follower.x
Hey Melanie, I’ve been reading YAMF for over a year now, and more recently I’ve started following your journey here. I don’t have any helpful advice – just want you to know that I’m praying that you and your husband find some peace. (I’m also praying that God will bless you with a baby!) But right now I’m praying for your peace and rest. Thanks for sharing so openly.
Melanie…
My heart is breaking for you.
This post has brought me back to a time when I was in your same position.
You inspired my post today… http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/07/21/shattered-hope-infertility-and-heartbreak/
I’m sending you so much luck for tomorrow.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.
sending good thoughts your way. and since i’m in boulder and you’re in denver…maybe they’ll get there faster.
I hope all our love and concern and thoughts for you can hold you up, if only a little bit. Love you guys.
Sending good thoughts…this is a tough road, and not everyone understands what you’re going through.
Melanie, I feel for you. I’ve been to that point of frustration/desperation/exasperation too, and am so sorry that you have to go through this. When the struggle to get pregnant became all consuming and all too much for me and my husband, we took a sanity break too. It ended up being longer than our intended month because of my stupid irregularity, but in the end it really was the healthy thing to do.
I hope you’re able to find some peace and come back with a renewed energy, when you’re ready. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way.
Sending thoughts warmer than even those pink balloons. It’s smart to know when to say when, whether or not it lasts. xo.
Melanie – I have been there many times in our 2 year journey through IF. When tt becomes physically, emotionally and mentally draining to keep going, then taking a break is good for the soul. Like you said, it could be next month, or whenever. But taking care of yourself is so important!!!
I wish you all the best tomorrow.
I’m so sorry, sweetie..
Sending lots of love and support from the warm Caribbean Islands to you…
Best wishes tomorrow, Melanie.
Good luck tomorrow. I know the pain you are in. I’ve been there too. Don’t lose hope.
My heart goes out to you! I think you are amazing and I’m sending good vibes your way.
It’s weird, I don’t even know you, but I know that you will be a wonderful mother one day. And however you end up becoming a mother – whether it’s winning the infertility battle or adopting – that little one is going to be lucky to call you Mom. It’ll happen eventually, but it doesn’t make these hurdles any easier. I can’t wait to finally read your post entitled, “Expecting!”
I was in the same place 2 years ago. After 4 cycles of trying with fertility meds, I took the summer off and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It was so stressful and draining and was making me so unhappy. The break helped me relax and enjoy life again and ready to try again a few month later. I now have an 11 month old daughter and looking back, taking the break was the best decision. Good luck!
Now this is what I am talking about for comments… support and love! You are so loved, you are parents, and you will have children. ALL our love!
oh melanie. i have been following your heartbreaking journey. and just like lots of women who have commented here, i too have been completely frustrated, confused and upset when my baby dreams took such a long time to eventuate. i ended up giving up my job as a midwife…because as much as i loved it…i felt like i was a diabetic in a candy shop. i just want to say that i’m thinking of you. you are not alone. x
Thinking of you!!!!!
good for you. look after yourself by knowing your limits. loves xx