Does This Baby Make My Ass Look Fat? When Good Husbands Field Bad Questions
Nice ass!
There are any number of conversations I intentionally avoid having with my wife. Primary among them are any that pertain to her ass. Because let’s face it, that’s a bad situation waiting to happen. Here’s the deal, though. My wife is 5 feet 2 inches and weighs (when not pregnant) a buck o’ five soaking wet. She routinely (and inadvertently) draws the ire of many a woman for her petite, fit frame. Not only did she totally regain her figure after having the triplets, she regained it in within the timeframe one could reasonably expect to recover from the flu.
But, sadly, she’s not aware of how incredible her body is. That’s not to say she’s one of these types who constantly thinks she’s fat, mind you. She realizes that in the grand scheme of things she’s just fine. Still, best to avoid answering any questions that begin with Does my ass. Especially when she’s pregnant. So when I got one such question yesterday, I nearly fainted.
“Tell me the truth,” she began while atop the scale in the middle of her daily weigh-in. “Does my ass look fat?”
Houston, we have a problem.
“Honey,” I began, “gimme a break. NO. Your ass doesn’t look fat.”
“How does it not look fat?” she asked angrily. “Do you realize that I’m gaining half a pound each and every day?”
“That’s like 15 a month. Not that big of a deal.”
“Not that big of a deal?” she asked indignantly as she stepped off the scale. “I have FIVE months left in this pregnancy. That’s SIXTY pounds.”
“Actually, it’s 75,” I pointed out, immediately wishing I hadn’t.
“Ahhhhg!” she screamed as she walked away.
“What’s the big deal?” I asked while scurrying behind her as she made her way to the kitchen (of all places). “Even if you were to gain 60 pounds, lot’s of people gain 60 pounds. Just the other day, Ceridwen wrote a post about Jennifer Hudon losing 80 pounds after her pregnancy. She went from a size 16 to 6.”
“Are you saying I’m a 16?” That little vein in her neck was popping out.
Check, please.
“No, honey. I’m saying that even if you were to gain half a pound per day, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.”
“Really,” she replied while reaching in the “utility” drawer for a calculator. “I’m no math major,” she began as she frantically worked the small red buttons, “but my initial calculations tell me that if I gain half a pound per day during a 40-week pregnancy, I will have gained 140 pounds by the time ol’ Junior is born.”
“Honey,” I began—
“I’m not done yet,” she interrupted. “Let’s see, carry your one, oh, there we have it. I’ll weigh 250 pounds on the joyous day. Can’t wait to see that baby picture. Only you won’t see any baby. Just MY ASS.”
Okay, y’all. I’m pretty good with words, but you’d never have known it from the look on my face yesterday morning. So I did what any wise man would have done. I dropped it. As quickly as Caroline will eventually drop the baby weight about which she’s currently bitching. And if she weren’t hopped up on legendary amounts of hormones, she’d probably be able to admit as much. For now, though? I think it’s best if I just leave the subject alone. Which was was my intent all along.
After all, I’m not the one who brought it up.
So, tell me, ladies. What should I have done? And fellas, any similar experiences out there? I’m all “ears.”
Image: Wikipedia
There is no correct answer to the questions of a pregnant woman. No matter what you say you’re going to be wrong. The plan is to beat her to the punch. Before she can ask you how she looks, offer up a compliment.
Other helpful strategies:
~Get friends to tell her she doesn’t even look pregnant from behind.
~YOU need to put on a few pounds. This is your pregnancy too.
~When she wants to talk, make a point of sitting behind her and rub her shoulders.(She’ll get sleepy and the conversation will fizzle out.)
~Flowers never hurt.
Good luck!
Again, feel happy that she has not killed you in your sleep. Yet. :-p
No, seriously, Caroline has nothing that she should really worry about, though the great truth is that stress always makes us worry about that kind of stuff. She will be just fine, and once you heal up so will you.
And kudos to you for not saying “250? If you hit 250, you won’t have to worry about what I think, cos I’ll be gone.” She would have killed you, and no court would have convicted her, and as much as I like you, I’d have felt it was justifiable. :-p
I brought that up a few times while pregnant. Answers I got were:
- No.
- Hun, you’re pregnant. You look pregnant.
- Women are supposed to have curves.
- Don’t worry, you’ll lose it when breastfeeding.
- You look fine. Would you like a back/feet/neck rub?
All worked, particularly the massage angle, and husband survived 9 months unscathed.
@Jennifer Harrell — I’m glad your husband survived!
@SarahB — I’ve tried your first suggestion, but not your second! And first one? Yes, got criticized. Par for course? YES! I’m money on the dishwasher, but not the message. Maybe I should try message, just like you and Jennifer say.
@kara — the “joke” email your hubby sent out? SO funny.
“Honey, you look beautiful to me.”
“Honey, the doctor’s not worried about your weight gain, and neither am I.”
Repeat as necessary.
Note: You still might get criticized for saying even those things, but that’s par for the course, right? :^)
Though if you swiftly follow up your comments with a “Here, let me rub your neck/empty the dishwasher/put the kids to bed so you can take a bath” you might escape unscathed.
A few more “do not do’s” that my hubbs didn’t get the memo about…
*pushing me out of the way at the dr’s office so he could get the first glimpse at the weight gain number of the week…
*sending me an email that he had supposedly sent to all our friends and family with an update…that included my weight…..luckily it was a big joke..haha…NOT FUNNY!
*being giddy at the fact that me, plus my huge baby belly were slowly creeping up the scale and almost to his weight….
i’m sure there were more too that i don’t remember, but he also survived….but i think he got lucky there were a few months cut off due to an early delivery, or he might not have made it!
You should have reminded her that she will not gain weight at the same rate throughout the pregnancy.
Hmmm, let me think all the way back to when I was pregnant. I don’t remember asking if my ass looked fat. However, I do remember bursting out in tears at a Hallmark commercial and my husband laughing. He didn’t laugh for the rest of the pregnancy. I think he realized I didn’t have a sense of humor.
Otherwise:
Keeping reminding Caroline that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Repeat this several times a day.
Offer massages until your hands fall off.
Buy any kind of food she craves.
Run like the dickens next time she asks you a question that begins with, “Does my ass?”
JCO, you were right to try and avoid this this landmine. Put your hands in the air and slowly back away from the pregnant lady.