Today is Ted Geisel’s birthday — he would have been 107. Who’s Ted Geisel? Well, Dr. Seuss, of course. Each year, the iconic children’s book author is honored in countless ways. I got the ball rolling a bit early last week when I wrote a Seussian ode to the cadence of Green Eggs and Ham. Instead of Sam-I-Am, the pestering force throughout the rhyme was Dad-I-Be who nagged his poor wife, not about green eggs and ham, but rather about her pregnancy.
I was thrilled that people seemed to like it so much. Even happier that my wife didn’t brutally assault me on account of it. And seeing as how I survived, I thought it’d be fun to do something similar today, the actual birthday of Dr. Seuss. Only instead of a Seussian ode to pregnancy, I’ve come up with 10 book titles he might have used instead of his actual book titles. Assuming his wife were with child, of course.
Without further ado, here they are:
- 1. Instead of The Cat in the Hat? He probably would have written The Brat in the Fat. Only surely Dr. Seuss wouldn’t have been as insensitive to refer to his wee little one as a brat. So maybe
- 2. She’s Big With a Kid. But, then again, now Mrs. Seuss might take offense. Perhaps it’s best to move on.
- 3. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish most certainly would have become One Vein? Too Vain? Black Vein. Blue Vein: Varicose Veins, the Calamity of Vanity.
- 4. Fox in Socks is cute. But during this period of time? Sure, she’s still a fox, but a better title would be Mom Ain’t Calm. But, again, not very nice, so how about:
- 5. Mom’s the Bomb. There. Not very original, but certainly the truth. Any woman carrying a child is, indeed, the bomb.
- 6. It’s extremely clear to me if Dr. Seuss’ wife were pregnant, he would have never, ever written Hop on Pop. Because, let’s face it… after week 20 or so? It just ain’t happenin’. But Mad at Dad? You’re damn skippy that’s happening. Especially after she reads this post.
- 7. The Cervax. There’s really no such thing as a Lorax. So he would probably would have written about something else that, in many ways, seemed just as imaginary (until the pregnancy, that is) — even if he did misspell it.
- 8. My Back Hurts, Damn. Hard to cook Green Eggs and Ham with a bad back.
- 9. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is one of my all-time faves. But had Dr. Seuss’ wife been pregnant, he would have called that one: How Your Mom Ate Christmas (Cookies. Despite the Fact They’d Been in the Freezer For Months. We Were Out of Ice Cream.)
- 10. And, finally, instead of Horton Hears a Who, Dr. Seuss could well have penned Sportin’ Bigger Boobs.
So there you have it. Ten titles that might have been written today if Dr. Seuss’ wife were pregnant. But it’s probably better that he stayed away from such books. Because he’d have a lot of explaining to do.
OOOH. Phone’s ringing. Uh oh. It’s my wife. Looks like I’m the one who has some explaining to do.