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Tales From the Delivery Room

25 funny quotes about birth from new dads

By babbleeditors |

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  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Tastier alternatives

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Tastier alternatives

    After he saw the placenta he said he was in the mood for meatloaf. — Submitted by Tabitha

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Big fat bribe

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Tastier alternatives

    “Hey doc, I'll throw you an extra 100 bucks if you throw in an extra stitch!” — Submitted by Cindy

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Sew not funny

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Sew not funny My hubs said, “Is this when we joke about the extra stitch?” when my doctor was about to sew up my episiotomy. The doc, without missing a beat, says, “Yes, but no one ever laughs.”

    Submitted by Meredith

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Better than science class

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Better than science class "Oh neat, I can see your insides!"

    Submitted by Kimberly

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Ownership

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Ownership "Is that mine?” I could have killed him.

    Submitted by Stephanie

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Yes

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Yes “Oh my God, can you feel that?!”

    Submitted by Monique

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Disinterested

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Disinterested “I have no desire to see any of this.”

    Submitted by Angela

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Getting ahead of himself

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Getting ahead of himself As the baby was crowning, he said: “Aw, the baby's so small! You can do this!” He didn't realize that crowning was only the very top of the head.

    Submitted by Ginger

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Ballsy statement

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Ballsy statement Right after my son came out my boyfriend said, “Did you see his balls? They're massive!”

    Submitted by Tricia

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Vacuum

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Vacuum While pushing: “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! I see his head!” I stopped pushing: “What the hell? You sucked his head back up!” I was very close to kicking him out of the room.

    Submitted by Eryn

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Standing no-vation

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Standing no-vation My husband complained about his back hurting from standing so long while I was in labor. Bad move, buddy.

    Submitted by KC

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Cheers

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Cheers The Irish hubs said, “Where is the closest liquor store?”

    Submitted by Kristen

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Not very cord-ial

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Not very cord-ial When asked to cut the cord, he told the doctor that’s what we pay him for!

    Submitted by Rachel

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Captain Obvious

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Captain Obvious “It smells like birth in here!” Wow, you think?!

    Submitted by Dena

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Bit of a stretch …

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Bit of a stretch … “Will it ever go back to its normal size?”

    Submitted by Timand

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    A moo-ving experience

    Tales From the Delivery Room: A moo-ving experience My hubby worked on a farm at the time and as I was waiting to push, he said, “It's no different than a cow giving birth.” Then my doctor decided to say, "Yeah, at least we won't have to hook up chains to pull out the baby like they sometimes do."

    Yes, thank you, honey, for telling me I look like a cow in labor … I love you, too.

    Submitted by Rachel

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Dr. Dad

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Dr. Dad He put on his scrubs to go in with me. On top of getting his mask stuck and tangled in his beard, he told the nurse doing my catheter, “It’s okay, I'm a doctor.” I can't take him anywhere!

    Submitted by Lesley

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Third time's a charm?

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Third time's a charm? Baby #3. Daddy is an expert, mommy has no drugs, mommy is in pain. He says, “You should be used to this by now, dear.”

    Submitted by Jody

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Spoiler alert

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Spoiler alert About 36 hours into labor, he's watching the contractions on the monitor, where the line goes up and back down showing each contraction and the intensity. Well, for some reason, you can see the line go up before I could feel it. He says, “Whoa! Here comes a HUGE one!” Not what I wanted to hear when just a minute prior I was SURE I was going to split in two!

    Submitted by Heidi

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Good hygiene

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Good hygiene “Are your feet clean?” Who freaking cares?! There’s what feels like a watermelon coming out of my hoo-ha, I don’t care if my feet are clean!

    Submitted by Michaela

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Smells like an inappropriate moment

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Smells like an inappropriate moment "Did you poop? 'Cause it smells like you might have."

    Submitted by Jessica

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Googly eyed

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Googly eyed "Is this what it's supposed to look like?" Talking about our first covered in goo!

    Submitted by Christie

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    The demon inside her

    Tales From the Delivery Room: The demon inside her After I had my son, I asked my husband how things went because I was in and out during labor due to meds. He said, “Your stuff came alive like a monster.”

    Submitted by Jamie

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    Men can be such dogs

    Tales From the Delivery Room: Men can be such dogs When pushing, the nurse told me to get on all fours — that it would help. My husband says something along the lines of — "Oh yeah, doggie style ... That's how the baby got in there!" — with both our mothers standing by.

    Submitted by Samantha

  • Tales From the Delivery Room

    At least he's free

    Tales From the Delivery Room: At least he's free My hubby said he'd be my “dude-la” (cooler male version of a doula, I guess).

    Submitted by Tricia

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25 thoughts on “Tales From the Delivery Room

  1. Valerie says:

    These are hilarious. I can already feel the moms’ death glares after each of these statements.

  2. Jenna Boettger Boring says:

    Before I had my first I had a dream where my husband was acting like a preteen tool during the delivery. The doctor said “You’re crowning!” and he replied “Your MOM is crowning!” I told him about the dream the next day as an example of what he was absolutly not allowed to do while I was pushing people out of my lady business.

  3. Heather Lambert says:

    some are hilarious and some are just wrong! lol men can be so stupid

  4. Catherine says:

    After I gave birth to our 2nd: “phew! I’m pretty tired now. I guess I’ll head home”.

  5. Julianne Pattershall says:

    While I was having my son my husband said “Hey hun, he has hair!” followed shortly thereafter by “How are you doing this, he’s HUGE!” The baby was two and a half weeks early and 8lbs 3oz. The worst comment though came from My father after I had my son after 25+ hours of labor and the little guy split me open in his rush to finally come out, my oh so sensitive father says “I think he needs a brother” Which just goes to prove that NO man should be in a delivery room if they don’t have the common sense to keep their idiot comments to themselves.

  6. mamabee says:

    I hate that any list on Babble turns into an agonizingly slow to click thru slideshow! JUST make it is a regular one page list!!! ARGH!

  7. Anonymous says:

    My husband was convinced that I was dying. At one point, he said, “if you have to choose, pick her, we can always make another one”. The entire room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop.

  8. Valen Hudson says:

    we didnt find out what we were having so when our SON came out my husbands first words were ” he has a weiner”

  9. KT says:

    I was cursing and yelling about the epidural not working and my husband turned to the nurse and said, “Maybe we should close the door, I think she might be scaring the people on the hospital tour.”

  10. Momssmalllvictories says:

    Looking at the monitor while I had a contractions, my hubby says “oh that was a light one, it wasn’t so bad!” yeah? You try to squeeze a small watermelon out of your privates and tell me if it hurts!

  11. pixy14 says:

    The one about the doggie-style had me in tears i was laughing so hard! that is so something my husband would say…lol!!!

  12. Katieg18 says:

    After 34 hours of labor I went in for a C-section and my boyfriend got to look over the curtain and told me “your stomach is in a bucket, and there is some yellow stuff” it was nice to be told what my insides look like while I’m cut open…lol

  13. Anonymous says:

    Oh wow, I was laughing so hard I started crying. My hubby did some similar stuff, trying to make me giggle WHILE they were dicing me in half. Then he yelled at the doc and nurses for manhandling our daughter from the weight thingy to the incubator.

  14. Robert K says:

    Hey doc, I’ll throw you an extra 100 bucks if you throw in an extra stitch!

    What a friggin’ work of sh*t! Funny? That’s the sickest, most perverse, hateful and degrading thing I’ve heard in a very long time.

  15. Mary Q says:

    This is the funniest thing that I have read on Aol ever!!! :)

  16. Donna says:

    These make me feel so much better! My husband took a seat on the other side of the room and the nurses looked at him like he was some kind of a freak! “Get up here and help your wife,” they told him. He just stood there and I had to direct everything he did. “Can you give me some ice?” “Can you hold my leg a little higher?” And cut the cord??? Are you kidding? He’d rather have been set on fire! Idiot!

  17. melsweetie says:

    I’m sorry, but I laughed like crazy at #’s 23 & 24…just because it sounds like something my husband would say if we are ever blessed enough to have a child!!!! I’m sure that they wouldn’t be as funny if I were the one in labor though.

  18. mama tess says:

    Ha ha ha!! My brother-in-law said the same thing, and her doctor said without a beat…”Your wife already asked me to…” Ha ha ha, awesome doctor, put that dad in his place right away!!

  19. mama tess says:

    The doctor said right after this stupid comment about taking in a stitch, “Your wife already asked me to…”.

  20. Wakason says:

    The subheading says “25 funny quotes about birth from new dads” but most of the quotes are by MOMS ragging on their husbands/partners and NOT from new dads. Fail.

  21. L.A. says:

    At least they were there. My husband took me to the hospital and then went home because he was tired. (Should say “Ex” husband.)

  22. CookieQueen says:

    With Baby #1, labour was progressing along but somewhat slowly when my in-laws arrived from out of town (six hours away) and said they were tired and wanted to go back to the house. Hubby saw that I was only 4 CM and said, “We’ll be back soon, Honey,” and left me labouring away while he took his parents to our house for pizza. Soon after they left, labour sped up and I was about ready to start pushing when baby’s heart rate dropped. Attempts were made to raise baby’s heart rate, but nothing helped so I was wheeled in for an emergency c-section, all alone. My mom called my husband, and they rushed back, barely making it back in time before I was cut open. Baby turned out fine, but I was mad at my husband for leaving at all. I told him, “Next time, you don’t leave at all!” Baby #2 – spontaneous but LENGTHY labour totaling 49 hours. Husband kept his promise to stay at the hospital, but would occasionally plop down on the couch saying he was tired. Excuse me? I’m labouring away here, and you’re tired??? Other than that, he was great and I had a natural, drug-free delivery. He looked down and yelled, “PUSH! The head is right there!” Fortunately, the pushing phase was 15 minutes or less, so it was over pretty fast once the pushing began.

  23. SallyAshus says:

    I understand completely! My husband promised–nay, demanded–to be there for the delivery of our son, but when he was told it would be a C-section, he ran down to the nearest bar and got stinking drunk and THEN showed up as I was being strapped down to operating table. The hospital security officers escorted him out of the building, I was told.

  24. Marta says:

    Watching the birth of our first child, my husband exclaimed, “OMG, you have HUGE hemorrhoids!”

  25. Vicki says:

    This is why I hate men. Only one or two were actually funny, the rest were degrading and insulting!

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