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Feeling Discouraged. The Dark Side of Trying to Conceive.

I am having a strangely difficult week. It has been emotional and that is not usually a word I would use to describe my life.

I am again in the middle of a  2-week wait period and I don’t have high hopes for this month. I know that 6 months isn’t a whole lot of time, but like I have said, it’s the longest it’s taken for us and we have other factors that have my mind running wild.

I test next week and I have learned over these past few months that I will obsess over every symptom that could point to being pregnant. It’s pointless and it just increases my anxiety, but with my history and the importance of very early pregnancy detection, I am feeling very discouraged.

If I have to be truthful, I’m not only feeling anxious about so badly wanting to see 2 dark pink lines on the next pregnancy test I take, but I am nervous for the time when I am pregnant. I have been sharing our journey here on Being Pregnant for just shy of 1 year (from the baby fever stage to our trying to conceive stage) and if you’ve been reading along you will know that we have not had the easiest journey to parenthood. It weighs on my mind, but I know that adding another babe is so what we want (so don’t ask why after all our pain). I just worry so much about it all.

I worry that my age is now a factor in our fertility. I am only 30 years old, but my last child was nearly 4 years ago.

I worry that it will take even longer.

I worry that the signs I am having, metabolic issues and ovarian cysts, will prevent any future pregnancies.

I worry about the real possible what-if-something-goes-wrong.

I have toyed with stopping the TTC process for a month or two. Sure the “chore sex” may sound like fun for the outsiders, but it really does take the sexy out of it. The 2-week-wait seems to get longer and longer each month and dudes… I am just ready!

:: When you were trying to conceive, what fears ran through your mind? Are you trying to conceive? Are you having the same issues? ::

 

Photo credit: iStockPhoto

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Read more from  on Accustomed Chaos & Unspoken Grief

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