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Gay-OK: 7 Questions That Are Totally OK to Ask a Gay Parent

By Aela Mass |

Gay-OK: 7 Appropriate Questions to Ask Gay Parents

Look, I’m no spokesperson for the entire gay community. But I can say with a great amount of confidence that it’s not nearly as rude or inappropriate as some of you might think to ask certain questions about the “hows” of gay family planning.

Sure, family planning teeters on the line of personal information – which is why I think so many people are hesitant to inquire – but if there’s one thing we gays have learned over the years, it’s that misinformation is dangerous and often leads to further stereotypes, judgement, and hateful laws based on ignorance and fear. And none of us want that.

Since we currently live in the most vocal time in history for gay rights, we have a duty to help stop the ignorance and answer the questions. We need to be part of the process that leads to better understanding and that lessens the alienating idea that gays are “the other.” Because, really, we’re no different than those math problems in which there exist numerous methods to get to the final answer. Gay family planning is just another way to complete the equation. At the end of the day, regardless of the method, the answer is the same: Loving families.

So here are 7 questions that are Gay-OK!

Check them out after the jump.

Being a gay woman, the list of questions here is geared toward my personal experiences. I would no sooner attempt to answer questions regarding gay-male families than I would regarding straight parenthood or foster parenthood. If there was a question you were hoping to find on this list, and are wondering if it’s OK to ask or not, leave it in the comments and I’ll address it for you!

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OK Questions to Ask Gay Parents About Family

How Did You Decide Who Would Carry?

Being in a relationship of two women, this decision has to be made at some point. Why one over the other? Why her first? People often think it's rude to ask, but this decision is often one grounded in logistics – age, occupation, maternity leave – that you might be surprised with just how boring the reason was.
Click here to check out how my wife and I came to our decision.
Photo: 123RF Stock Photo

Rights of main photo belong to the author

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About Aela Mass


Aela Mass

Aela Mass is a lesbian writer and editor living the dream on Martha's Vineyard with her wife, Sara, and their dog, Darla. She miscarried her twins at 17 weeks and has undergone numerous IVF, FET, and IUI cycles. Her writing has appeared in The Huffington Post among other publications. For more of her work, visit her blog Two Moms Make a Right. Read bio and latest posts → Read Aela's latest posts →

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0 thoughts on “Gay-OK: 7 Questions That Are Totally OK to Ask a Gay Parent

  1. TK says:

    Thank you for this! As one of the two moms to a one year old girl, I appreciate seeing honest, “educational” information – especially when it comes to what questions are OK to ask! We’ve definitely had a bunch of the NOT OK questions too, which we take in stride (i think it just comes with the territory!).
    For some reason, I also feel compelled to answer your questions!
    1) My wife carried first (we want more than one) because she is 6 years old, the clock was a tickin’ and previous family examples show a very fertile family on her side, while my side has contended with fertility issue.
    2) When my wife and I married (Canada!), we knew we would legally change our last name to a name that is a combination of part of my mother’s maiden name and part of my wife’s mother’s maiden name so that we would have a “family name”.
    3) We are “Momma” and “Mommy”… though as she is learning to speak it is becoming “Momma” and “Mom”
    4) Our donor (anonymous) will always be openly discussed as the “special man who gave Momma and Mommy the missing piece to the puzzle that is you”
    5) We sleep in, then go visit Grandpa
    6) We hope to use the same donor, but if our donor is no longer available, it wouldn’t stop us from having more kids.

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