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Gay-OK: 7 Questions That Are Totally OK to Ask a Gay Parent

Gay-OK: 7 Appropriate Questions to Ask Gay Parents

Look, I’m no spokesperson for the entire gay community. But I can say with a great amount of confidence that it’s not nearly as rude or inappropriate as some of you might think to ask certain questions about the “hows” of gay family planning.

Sure, family planning teeters on the line of personal information which is why I think so many people are hesitant to inquire but if there’s one thing we gays have learned over the years, it’s that misinformation is dangerous and often leads to further stereotypes, judgement, and hateful laws based on ignorance and fear. And none of us want that.

Since we currently live in the most vocal time in history for gay rights, we have a duty to help stop the ignorance and answer the questions. We need to be part of the process that leads to better understanding and that lessens the alienating idea that gays are “the other.” Because, really, we’re no different than those math problems in which there exist numerous methods to get to the final answer. Gay family planning is just another way to complete the equation. At the end of the day, regardless of the method, the answer is the same: Loving families.

So here are 7 questions that are Gay-OK!

Check them out after the jump.

Being a gay woman, the list of questions here is geared toward my personal experiences. I would no sooner attempt to answer questions regarding gay-male families than I would regarding straight parenthood or foster parenthood. If there was a question you were hoping to find on this list, and are wondering if it’s OK to ask or not, leave it in the comments and I’ll address it for you!


  • How Did You Decide Who Would Carry? 1 of 7
    How Did You Decide Who Would Carry?
    Being in a relationship of two women, this decision has to be made at some point. Why one over the other? Why her first? People often think it's rude to ask, but this decision is often one grounded in logistics age, occupation, maternity leave that you might be surprised with just how boring the reason was.
    Click here to check out how my wife and I came to our decision.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo
  • What Will the Baby’s Last Name Be? 2 of 7
    What Will the Baby's Last Name Be?
    Even if lesbians do get married, many keep their maiden names. Some women decide to hyphenate their last name with their partner's; others choose to give their biological child their partner's last name, and some even create a blended name from both last names. Either way, there is no cut-and-dry answer, and since you're not a mind reader, ask away! My wife and I were lucky enough to legally marry in our home state of New York, and we made our name-change decision based on our future family. We both took my wife's maiden name as our middle names, and my maiden name as our last name, which is what we will do with our children.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo
  • What Will the Baby Call You? 3 of 7
    What Will the Baby Call You?
    How can you both be "mom?" Isn't that confusing? Yes, it is. There's certainly no steadfast answer behind who's called "mommy" and who is called something else. "Mommy" traditionally seems most endearing, so some gay women decide on Mommy X (whatever their initial might be) and Mommy Y. But others think the letter takes away from the overall feeling of "mommy," and simply decide that one is called mommy and the other is called, say, mom or momma.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo
  • Will You Talk About Your Donor with Your Children? 4 of 7
    Will You Talk About Your Donor with Your Children?
    This question is probably the most personal to ask, since it enters the realm of how we parent. Some women, especially those who have chosen a donor who does not wish to ever have his identity disclosed, may feel they have less of a reason to talk about their donor with their children, since those children will never be able to meet the donor. Others, like my wife and I, absolutely plan to talk about our donor with our children starting pretty much from Day 1. We have chosen a "willing to be known" donor from a sperm bank, and we expect our children to want to meet him someday, which is why we believe it's important to have a strong dialogue about who he is.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo
  • What Do You Do on Father’s Day? 5 of 7
    What Do You Do on Father's Day?
    It may seem like a curious thing, but it's no different than what Christians do during Hanukkah.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo
  • Will You Use the Same Donor for All Your Children? 6 of 7
    Will You Use the Same Donor for All Your Children?
    Some gay women take turns with pregnancy and choose to use the same donor for all their children. Others pick a donor that has the same physical characteristics as their partner. Either way, it's totally fine to ask! My wife and I have decided to use the same donor for our children.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo
  • How Do You Explain ‘Daddy’? 7 of 7
    How Do You Explain 'Daddy'?
    "Daddy" is a word steeped in tradition with an obvious and unparalleled understanding. And our children will not have one. Explaining who their biological father is will come with our conversations about who their donor is. But just like some families have two dads, some have one mom, some have a mom and a dad, some have one dad, ours has two moms. Much like providing the Babble readership with these questions to foster understanding, so will our family keep the lines of communication open for our children.
    Photo: 123RF Stock Photo

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