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Gender Disappointment — No One Wants a Boy?

By dearcrissy |

gender disappointment As I begin to write, I realize that I have about three seconds to reassure my audience that I acknowledge, and understand, that as humans and parents, we can’t always control or explain our emotional responses — even when it comes to feelings of gender disappointment.

I know.

That said, I am having a hard time controlling my own emotional response when I read so many articles regarding gender preference, especially when it seems like the mother is usually disappointed about having a little boy.

Really? What is so bad about having a little boy?

Let me tell you, with unwavering certitude, that there is no experience in this world greater than being the mother of a boy. None.

Unless you have a girl. Girls are equally spectacular.

Yes, having a preference about your baby’s gender is normal.

I’m sure we all have some idea about what we would like to have with each pregnancy, but I still just can’t wrap my head around how so many women seem to feel absolutely crushed at the thought of having a boy, to the point of having feelings that they may no longer want to keep the baby, or even that they may reject the baby when he is born.

An acquaintance of mine found out that she was having a little boy at her 20-week ultrasound, recently, and instead of rejoicing in the news, she said that she was just going to keep praying for a little girl.

While I know that I shouldn’t be bothered by the feelings of gender disappointment that another woman is navigating, I am. Even though I am conscious of the fact that this is a valid, and sometimes painful experience for many mothers, it still bugs me.

Before you say it, I do realize that makes it my problem.

Not every little girl loves pink. Not every little girl will want to grow her hair long, or be interested in shopping. Likewise, having a boy does not necessarily mean your future is filled with trucks, and mud, and male aggression — though it may be.

The experience of mothering a child has so little to do with gender, gender roles, and stereotypes. When that baby pops out, you will become his or her whole world, and hopefully, she or he will become yours.

Did you have feelings of gender disappointment when you were pregnant? Does it bother you when you hear other women expressing their own gender disappointment?

Photo © Crissy Page

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About dearcrissy

dearcrissy

dearcrissy

Crissy is a blogger and stay at home mom who resides in the Midwest with her two children. She has contributed to Babble, allParenting, BabyCenter and New Parent. In addition to writing, she also adores photography. More of her work can be found on her website, Dear Crissy.

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0 thoughts on “Gender Disappointment — No One Wants a Boy?

  1. Angela says:

    We have a three month old little boy. When my partner and I found out the gender, we actually gave each other a high five in the ultrasound room. The idea of dealing with a 15 year old version of myself made me lose sleep at night, so I was praying for a boy. Success!

  2. Simone M says:

    Oh my gosh, that is awful! (Not you, gender disappointment in general) I have 1 girl and 2 boys and would love another girl but would NEVER be disappointed if it was a boy.

  3. Katrina says:

    I have three little girls. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I *told* everyone I wanted another girl because I already had tons of girl stuff and I “already know what to do with girls”. Deep down inside, I did want a boy. I wanted to experience something different. I wanted to know what it was like to be the mother to a son. When we found out we were having another girl, I feigned relief. “Oh good, now I don’t have to pack up all those girl clothes and start all over with boy stuff!” I privately cried. I knew this was our last and my chance at knowing what it was like to have a boy were gone.

    I love my girls. I am happy I get to make frilly pink things for them. But there is a string of women at church all having boys within months of each other and I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had making little boy gifts for them. And maybe one day I’ll have a grandson!

  4. Jen says:

    I never understood that! I’d rather have boys! I have 1 boy and 2girls and omg my son is the best hands down! Lol but I wouldn’t change it if I could! I’m just blessed to be a mom and have healthy kids!

    Lol and you are so right all girls are not Girly girls! My oldest daughter is a prime example.

  5. Brooke Schwaderer says:

    I did want a girl with my first and it took some getting used to. With the last two I actually wanted boys after already having one. So I have 3 little boys and love it. :)

  6. Kirsty says:

    It’s funny because I get the impression (or maybe it’s just here in France, or just me, or because I have two girls) that it’s GIRLS people don’t “seem to want”… Having a boy seems to be the ultimate goal and when my girls were younger I was ALWAYS being asked if I was “disappointed I didn’t get a boy” or if I would be “trying for a boy next time”… That used to bug me a hell of a lot; I had many trials and tribulations before my daughters were born and seriously only wanted a live, healthy baby. I really wasn’t bothered about the gender. My now-ex DID want a boy, badly, and was disappointed at first but is now totally onboard with raising girls. I wouldn’t have it any other way (and am sure I’d be saying exactly the same if I’d had boys…!).

  7. Nancy says:

    I didn’t care if I had a boy or a girl, just a healthy baby. Then my daughter was diagnosed at 6 days old with cystic fibrosis. We had another little girl (who doesn’t have CF) and I would love a third child, but not sure that’s going to happen. Now that I have two girls, I would love a boy – but healthy is more important to me. I will accept, love and cherish any child that God chooses to give me. I understand wanting a boy over a girl or a girl over a boy – but COME ON – this is your CHILD we’re talking about.

  8. Stacie says:

    For me, I was fine with either a boy or a girl. I just wanted a baby. I ended up having two girls whom I love with all my heart.

  9. Tara says:

    I agree and it makes me sad for the baby. With my first, I wanted a girl just because my mom wanted her 1st granddaughter so badly but I knew from the beginning it was a boy. As my US got closer, I worried about my reaction if/when they said “it’s a boy.” When those words were said, I was immediately in love with my little boy and nothing could change that.

    Three months ago, I gave birth to a baby girl. In the beginning, I wanted a boy because of the familiarity of parenting a boy. God had other plans and I am certain he knows what is best for me. From the second they said “it’s a girl,” I have loved her and nothing will ever change that. I feel like I’ve gotten the best of both worlds but even if I had been blessed with two of the same gender, I would still feel the same way! Babies are miracles and blessings no matter the gender!

  10. Jenny says:

    for me it was all hope for a boy. i did NOT want a girl ’cause i knew what a terror i was to my own mother. i didnt wanna go through that myself ;P

  11. Jen Knox says:

    We didn’t find out whether we were having a boy or girl in advance of my delivery so it was quite a shock to find out we had a boy because almost everyone around us assumed I was having a girl. I’m one of three girls, my mom is one of two girls and my cousin has two girls (all of us from one side of my family). It was just assumed that I would probably statistically follow suit. So when he was born we were shocked and so happy! I hadn’t really settled in on one gender or the other while I was pregnant. I went back and forth…boy today, girl tomorrow. I didn’t have a sense of knowing.

    Let me just say this: I had virtually no experience with taking care of little boys save for some teenage babysitting jobs. I had no idea what I was getting into. But now, 4 years into this “Boy Mom” thing…I LOVE IT! In fact, your post caught my eye because a little piece of me will admittedly be sad if I don’t have another boy the next time around. There’s nothing like it…such a bond between boys and their mommies that I can’t explain. Of course, I don’t have a daughter and would probably feel the same way anyway, but for those expectant moms out there disappointed that a boy is on the way: watch out! Life is amazing with a little boy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

  12. suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter} says:

    when found out at my ultrasound that my second would be a boy and not a sister for my first, i was disappointed for a moment. i LOVE having both, of course, and there is nothing quite like how a boy-babe loves his mama:)

  13. Katie says:

    My first 2 are girls. When pregnant with #3, I was SO HOPING for a boy, to break up this drama in my home. But I didn’t want to be disappointed, so I kept telling myself that it was going to be a girl. When we found it it was a BOY?! We were completely surprise and totally excited.

    I never really cared what I was having. I seriously just wanted a HEALTHY baby. Period. Nothing really matters beyond that.

  14. Charity Lummel says:

    As a mother of 1 girl and 2 boys, I must say that I am bothered to hear a woman say she only wants one or the other, or that they don’t want to keep the baby if it isn’t the sex they want. After I had my daughter I always hoped that my next baby would be a boy. I was excited when I found out I was having a boy. You made a good point about not every girl likes pink, or shopping. When my daughter was little she liked pink and girly stuff and now that she is 14 she is a tomboy, hates pink and doesn’t like shopping unless it is for electronics. My oldest son is the sweetest little boy, doesn’t like to get dirty and is very sensitive. My youngest son is a typical boy, no fear, loves playing rough, loves super heroes. I was excited to have all of them and I never experienced gender disappointment.
    I am bothered by knowing that there are women out there who feel this way. I understand it is normal to want one sex over the other during pregnancy, but the disappointment after finding out you are not getting what you want to the extent of not wanting to keep the baby is something I am having a hard time wrapping my head around. Does this mean they will not be as involved in the child’s life? Will they resent the baby? Does it cause depression? I would be concerned if I knew a woman that lost interest in her pregnancy because she found out she wasn’t getting what she wants. If they just say that they would rather have a girl but are still happy with just having a healthy baby, then I wouldn’t be bothered, but not wanting or rejecting the baby because it is a boy is what bothers me.
    This was an interesting article. I was not aware of women feeling this way. I love having boys and a girl and all I can say to the women who would rather have a girl is, you don’t know what you are missing! Boys are just great as girls.

  15. Erin says:

    I went through this, but opposite what you’re explaining. With my first, I wanted a boy sooooo badly. And when I found out it was a girl, I held back tears. But the emotional response wasn’t because I didn’t want that specific gender of child – I just wanted my kids to have a big brother to look up to. And when the tech announced, “GIRL!” my dreams of a big brother coming home from college to a house full of younger siblings waiting to jump on him was squashed. Also, personally being the oldest and a girl, I knew about the pressure to be the measuring stick for everyone else. I felt that a boy would hold this torch easier. BUT, I LOVE and ADORE my little girl and could not be happier with her. Do I care about my “dream”? Not really. God is choosing to write another story instead. With my second on its way and the desires for a specific gender pop up, I just pray that the Lord gives me a healthy child and that he would give me whatever gender he chooses. I also pray that he would help me to understand this next chapter of my family’s story and the way he is choosing to write it. Thank you for sharing!

  16. Janice says:

    I was disappointed when I was told my first was a boy. The reason? Well, I grew up with girls and knew nothing about boys. I was terrified. What would I do with this boy? Eight years later I can say that there is nothing quite like a mother-son relationship. My son is an amazing little boy. He is a blessing in my life. When I found out my second was a girl, I was so happy, but then I also wondered, “what will I do with this girl?” ;)

    Janice
    Celebrating Family

  17. Tara P. says:

    My husband and I both wanted a boy so badly. He only wanted to look at boy clothing, toys, etc. I had two very close friends/co-workers pregnant as well and when they both found out they were having boys I was certain I would not. How could all three of us have boys?!? Kind of stupid, I know.

    As our anatomy scan got closer and closer I actually started to fear my reaction if it was a girl. I knew I’d have tears I disappointment right there at the ultrasound. So I started looking at everything girlie. All the cute dresses, shoes, headbands, etc. That did seem to help and get me a little excited for all the girlie things I’d be able to do.

    We did end up finding out we were having a boy. We even got to have him early at 29 weeks. He’s now a happy, healthy 21 month old. I love him so much and we’ve decided that he will be our only :)

  18. Sarah Partain says:

    It’s so interesting that I read this today. This afternoon, I have my 20 week ultrasound and we are hoping for a girl. We already have one of each and are hoping for another sister, ad I love having sisters. Also we have a girl name but not a boy name. But if we have another boy, we will be happy and hope he is healthy. I think he great hint about babies is that you get to know their personality first and then the gender comes through, as they grow up. I love having both and am also saddened by those moms’ responses. I guess we all have our struggles to work through!

  19. Kate says:

    We had a mix up–an ultrasound during which we were told we were having a boy, and 5 days later we had another scan and OOPs–we were having a girl!!! I can genuinely say that at least with my first I really didn’t have a preference. I was sooo psyched for a little boy and then when we learned she actually was a little girl I was just as thrilled. My husband on the other hand had to get used to the idea of a girl–he’d only ever imagined having a son. He’s crazy in love with her now though, and that’s what counts.

  20. Katrina W. says:

    It saddens me that women would have gender disappointment. My husband and I were told for years that we’d never get pregnant. We were crushed. Then lo and behold I found out I was pregnant.

    When we found out, everything baby related was beautiful (not to mention I could wander through children’s aisles and NOT start crying!). I definitely wanted to know if we were having a boy or girl, mainly so I knew which adorable outfits I was -definitely- buying. I never had a preference. After resigning myself to the fact that I would never be able to conceive a child, just being pregnant was a miracle, and my little boy is my world.

    The problem, imo, may not only be gender disappointment, but taking for granted the miracle that is pregnancy, and not understanding how painful and difficult something as simple as conception can be for others.

    For all of those women out there who are reflective of your blog post, I only hope to let them know that pregnancy is a special and miraculous thing. Not only that, but the little one you are creating is like none other and should not be taken for granted.

  21. StatsDad says:

    A dad’s point of view. I had two boys and I wanted another boy. I am so glad I got a girl. The story was featured on the blog Sports Girls Play. http://sportsgirlsplay.com/confessions-of-a-youth-sports-dad/

  22. Oh Crissy, beautiful job on writing this but makes me so sad…

    As someone that has never been able to carry a child in my womb, I can not even fathom something as shallow as this.

    I am now the Mother of two beautiful boys through the blessing of adoption and I cherish every snip, snail and puppy dog tail!

    Besides, boys are sure a lot less expensive to raise ;)

    Love ya girl!
    Cathy’s Voice

  23. Jennifer says:

    I had reallly high hopes for a boy when we went in for our gender ultrasound. WIth four nieces, our baby would have been the first boy on my husband’s side of the family. It will be the first grandchild on my side of the family. I have two brothers, the oldest of which is 11 years younger than me, so I felt like I already had some experience with “raising boys” – although my nieces live in the same town, it wasn’t like having them in the home with me for the whole time like it was with my brothers, so I just felt more familiar. I truly expected to be one of those women who breaks down in emotional tears when she finds out at the ultrasound that she’s having the other gender, or simply feels overwhelmed that she won’t know what to do with a baby of that gender, or at least to have some strong reaction of disappointment, at least initially. Granted, those words for me were phrased as, “It’s probably a girl, but I’m going to call it inconclusive,” but at that magical moment when I got my first glimpse at our baby, I knew that I was already in love with this little one growing inside of me and I found out what was important to know on that day – that our baby is happy and healthy. And it doesn’t really matter that it’s “probably a girl.” But, from my anticipated feelings before, I can understand how some women, in this especially emotional time, could have such strong feelings of disappointment at finding out that the baby wasn’t their desired gender, so I absolutely couldn’t judge anyone for having those reactions that I expected I might be having myself at the big “gender reveal.”

  24. Curt says:

    As a dad, I had a girl, and there was no disappointment at all. In fact, as you said, she instantly became my world! So it holds true with moms and dads alike.

    From the second she was born, we were best friends. She’s now 31 years old, and still my best friend!

  25. TJ says:

    No gender preference here, really. Just had my anatomy scan ~ 1 wk ago and found out we’re having a boy this time around. I balked at how my family and friends said that having a boy would give us a pair. A pair: what are they, shoes, earring, pants… I detest the thought and statement, now.
    I had thought, not wished, that another girl would be awesome as I’m an only child who is estranged from her mother. The impact of this estrangement did not fully hit me until I had my daughter and cried for days afterward, wishing I had a mother or sister to turn to, a mother and/ or sister who would stand up for me when my husband was acting like a jerk after giving birth and my MIL and FIL were acting like complete know-it-alls. I will be there for my daughter when she needs me. I will be there to defend her, love her, and advice her, but I did think that a sister could do the same especially when mom is longer around. Lately I’ve been thinking, what if it were a girl and they would grow up to hate each other? I further thought, how shallow and narrow on my part to show an inkling of preference over one sex. Am I truly basing my joy on what is found between my child’s legs and the differences that will occur in his little brain because of the hormones? Am I already, even before he has seen the light of day, creating a barrier (no matter how small) in our relationship because of his physical attributes? So now I am talking to my unborn son and telling him that I look forward to holding him in my arms: stay put until the time is right and to enjoy the next weeks cozy, snug, and safe inside mommy.

  26. Ann says:

    I just found out that our first child is going to be a boy and to be completely honest with you, I was devastated. Like, in bed crying for three days devastated. I knew in my heart it would be a boy, because everyone, including myself, wanted a girl, but prayed that I would be wrong. I have no desire to decorate a nursery, pick out those hideous boy clothes or even choose a name for him. We only want one child and now we’re stuck with a boy. I’d rather not have had the ultrasound to know the gender. Let’s be real, the only person who really wants their child to be a boy is Kate Middleton.

  27. Michelle B says:

    When I was pregnant, I hoped for a girl. Not because girls are better, but I was afraid that I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy. Looking back, it was a silly feeling to have. I also knew that after looking at J’s family, that having a boy was a 99% chance. So when I was told I was having a boy, I was just happy that he was healthy. Now that my boy is 4, I can’t believe I had fears of not understanding the world of boy.

  28. Kecia says:

    I will admit that I had a preference when I was pregnant. However, above all, I just wanted a healthy baby. My husband and I both leaned towards wanting a boy, and we got our wish!! I was a tomboy growing up and couldn’t see myself buying frilly dresses or braiding hair. We have decided that our son will probably be our only. :)

  29. Crystal says:

    Hopefully everyone will read the full comment I leave before lashing out at me, but I had just started dating my (now husband) who already had 2 little boys before me and when I knew him in the past he was a ‘ladies man’. We had both changed a great deal and was turning over a new leaf and too soon into our relationship I got pregnant.
    Not knowing if he would leave me over it, and knowing for a fact I would never consider not giving birth to my unborn child or giving it up, I was an emotional wreck when I told him. I fully thought he would kick me to the curb. He didn’t obviously, we got closer and closer and got excited about the upcoming baby. However, I really was hoping for a girl because he had 2 boys and I felt that I was just another girl that may give him yet another boy. I was completely immature with this thought, he was not at all what my fears imagined him to be but I have to admit that I was just not so secure in my relationship to think that if I had a boy we would have that family setting. We did indeed have a boy and I cried to my friend. I didn’t care what I gave birth to for my sake, I was just very insecure at the time.
    Now that I have my amazing son, I feel shameful for ever crying but they were real emotions and there was much more to it then in this comment. He is the most loving and special little guy that I wouldn’t trade a million girls for him. I only write this to say that gender disappointment may not just be about fighting over names or imagining pink. We went on to have yet another boy… making 3 together that we raise. I wouldn’t imagine it any other way. My boys are my life, they crack me up and there is nothing like unconditional love from a son!

  30. Sally Grubbs says:

    It didn’t matter to me if it was a boy or girl as long as the baby was healthy. Did I want a boy? yes I did. But God blessed me with 3 beautiful girls.

  31. I honestly used to have strong feelings about this. I have all boys so each time they told me that I was having another boy I did have a moment of disappointment simply because I had always assumed I would have a girl. Then my last son passed away after only living for 10 minutes . . . After I spend months obsessing whether or not he was a boy or a girl. After he died I felt so much guilt over that. The truth was, in the end I didn’t really care whether he was a boy or a girl, I just wanted him healthy. Instead I left the hospital with empty arms and now I am intensely irritated when expectant parents express disappointment in their child’s gender because I would have done anything even to have a few more hours with my son. it’s given me some perspective and I’ve realized that I love the sons I have so much that is really doesn’t matter what gender they are.

  32. Erica G says:

    This is exactly why I chose not to find out what genders either of my babies were until they were born. Very few people knew about my first pregnancy because it ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks. That solidified my thoughts that I did not prefer onve gender over the other, I only wanted to be able to carry and have a healthy full term baby. Usually after the “Do you know what you are having?” question comes the “Were you hoping for a boy or a girl?” question. I always said I just want a healthy baby. The looks people gave me at that response always felt like they did not believe my answer. That would prompt me to explain that I had been pregnant before, but suffered a miscarriage, making me truely realize what a miracle being pregnant actually is and that any baby would make me beyond happy.

  33. Crystal says:

    REPLY TO ANN

    I hope to God for your “son’s” sake that you aren’t indeed pregnant and you are just a troll that likes to upset people in the comments. I had unresolved feelings but I can’t even fathom going on like you and publicly writing this… one day you have to face these feelings with your son.
    I’m going to pray for you regardless if your situation is real or not, because if this is true, you need to see somebody. Even though I wanted to give my husband a girl, I still wanted a boy at some point. Now that I have my boys, I don’t want a girl… My 3 sons are perfect and I know already they are going to be respectful gentlemen. And just so you know, the comment about no one truly wanting a boy except for Kate Middleton was uncalled for

  34. Nadia says:

    I was originally told that I would be having a boy. I was hoping for a girl, but when I found out that it was a boy, I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to go shopping for all things blue. Then I found out that our little “boy” was actually a girl. And I was equally ecstatic. In my opinion, gender doesn’t really matter. Like you said, you will be that baby’s entire world, and that is all that matters. I get annoyed by gender disappointment too. I mean, there are so many people who have trouble having babies, and would love to have one, whether it is a boy or a girl.
    http://www.fitandpreggers.com

  35. Donna Chaffins says:

    Not for one millisecond. I never thought I’d ever get pregnant, so I would have been overjoyed with either gender. That being said, I always connected more with the male gender — with the exception of the first niece born to our family, I’ve always had more of a connection to my nephews, so it was especially great to have a boy. :-)

  36. Taz says:

    i’m pretty sure that traditionally, in pretty much all cultures it’s boy babies that are most desired. i’ve read a little bit about gender disappointment and how some mothers experience extreme depression and the inability to bond with their babies. pretty crazy stuff and it doesn’t sound like ‘disappointment’ to me, it sounds like a symptom of ppd or even ppp maybe. maybe just a concise way for a new mom to say, “something in this situation feels wrong to me.” i dunno.
    that said, i feel sooo lucky that i’ll be having a girl because it’s just what i always imagined for myself. meanwhile most people i know fear teenage girls and wish for a son.

  37. Michelle says:

    I completely understand why you are bothered by this. I chose not to find out the gender of my babies because I was annoyed with how much importance gets placed on finding out. It’s not that it wouldn’t have been exciting to know and be prepared, but it just bugged me to think about people then asking me whether the gender was “what I wanted.” Those types of questions and all the anticipation from other people can cause strong emotional reactions for moms that may have not even had a gender preference originally. My mom kept telling me that I better have girls. She saw it as joking, but in my hormonal state it really upset me.

  38. Kristin says:

    I had two boys then two girls. Truth be told, I don’t remember 100% if I was certain of the gender prior to every delivery. I think (I’m getting old) that the tech might have said, “It looks like…” That being said, I was super psyched when I found out I was having a girl for baby #3. When I was told it “looked like” a boy for the first and second, I do believe I was like, “Oh, OKKKKKKKKKKK…” it was a fleeting moment of just wishing that it were a girl. But I never was full-on disappointed or felt any sense of rejection or anything like that, and can’t imagine feeling that. I was (and am) extremely close to my sons, as I am with my daughters.

  39. Angel says:

    AS a mom of 3 boys yes, I hoped to have at least one girl. For a moment yes I was saddened at the thought of no little girls in my house. But each of my boys have been vastly different from their brothers, each with a unique personality and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

  40. MBAMama says:

    This is our fourth. We have two boys and a girl. We (more specifically I) had been hoping for a sister for our little girl. Our Ultrasound says boy. After the initial shock and sinking in period (even our daughter was convinced we were having a girl), we have all adjusted and are now just anxious to meet him. I am sad to have only used my little girl’s plethora of clothing just once, but think of how well it well sell on kijiji! My aunt had five boys. So far, those five boys have blessed her with four granddaughters. They are now in a position, financially and time wise , to buy those frilly dresses and make the toys that little girls so often love. Everything happens in its own time and trust me, the good Lord knows what he’s doing.

  41. Sara R. says:

    Gender disappointment is such a huge and controversial topic, I had no idea before I got pregnant. I am having my first (a girl) in January. I really wanted a boy. Other comments have mentioned this, but girls scare the cr*p out of me – I don’t like playing quietly with dolls or dressing up in pink, I like roughhousing and being outside. And then they become teenagers – oh the horror! Just remembering what I put my mother through is enough to make me cringe.
    BUT, the end of the story is that there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it. I’m so glad that I’m not alone in these feelings, and hearing about others struggle with it makes it easier for me to deal openly with my own issues. And it’s been helpful to think of her as a person in her own right, with her own personality. Whether she likes pink or not, I am sure I will love her. I have to give up my own hangups and my own “dream” of having a big family of boys, but that’s on me, not my baby.
    Anyway, this is all just to say that I think there are women who want boys, but mostly that I think a lot of people have a preference, and I’m actually glad it’s no longer taboo to talk about that.

  42. Tinachicky says:

    I actually would LOVE to have a little boy! I was blessed with 2 beautiful girls, but a few years ago, I was seriously considering wanting to adopt a baby boy.

  43. Lori A. says:

    I can honestly say that I did not care what gender my kids were. I just wanted healthy babies. I had a girl first and then a boy. I am grateful that I have one of each. I could say that I would have been fine if they were both the same sex, but since that’s not my experience, I can’t say. I know that my sister and her husband were REALLY hoping for a boy when she got pregnant and they did have a boy. I have no idea how they would have felt if he had been a girl.

  44. Bill Hutchison says:

    I must admit that when I found out our third child was a boy I was a bit relieved. We already had a girl and a boy, and the thought of having another princess in the house (and in my heart) was hard to wrap my head around. It’s not that I don’t love my now two boys as much, it’s just different. I can only be wrapped around so many fingers…

  45. Amy H. says:

    I think it’s interesting that people would be disappointed over a boy. The american population is heavily female, more girls to boys in schools, especially in college. I hear all the time about people disappointed in NOT having a boy, but instead a girl “another girl.” The whole issue of gender disappointment is new to me, but fascinating none the less.

  46. Brandy says:

    Just came across this blog post on Twitter and can relate to the feelings these mothers are sharing. Sure, it’s tough to find out you’re not having what you wanted, but you learn to deal with it. I was disappointed when I learned I was having a second son because I knew we couldn’t financially afford a third child. Do I think there was anything wrong in being disappointed? No. Is there anything wrong with talking about your disappointment? Absolutely not. In a society that values freedom of speech and expression, I am appalled there are those narrow minded enough to ambush the ones brave enough to speak an opinion.

    In fact, in response to Crystal’s attack on Ann: I think your comments are completely out of line. If Ann is disappointed in having a boy, those are her feelings and not yours to judge. Obviously, you had an opinion on gender disappointment (with your three “perfect” boys), otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on this topic. Hopefully they don’t use language like their mother.

  47. Jennifer says:

    Wow, I never would have thought to be disappointed about what my child’s gender was. As a mom of three boys I can’t imagine a greater feeling that the love and admiration from my little men. And knowing they’ll always love and protect their mama. I do get asked (pressured) by my parents all the time whether we are going to try for a girl. Then get the guilt trip when I say we’re done having babies. Why do people get so hung up on gender? Does it really make any child less wonderful and special? No! But I guess it comes down to human nature, not being satisfied with what you have and wanting what you don’t have.

  48. Bibi says:

    After years of dealing with infertility I was blessed with two beautiful boys 5 years apart. I never cared about the gender. All I cared was their health and well-being. I love my boys and I just can’t understand and yes it does bother me when people express disappointment over gender. Some women struggle years to have baby at all and some women never get the the opportunity to give birth so when I hear someone blessed to be able have a child at all worrying about the gender….that to me is just sad.

  49. Sara says:

    Wow, really? I didn’t care at all with my first child, because we plan to have several. Since she’s a girl, I hope that the next one will be a boy, because I very much want the experience of raising both sons and daughters. But whatever I get will be great. If I never had a son, I’d be sad, but that wouldn’t have anything to do with how I felt about the children I did have. It would just be an experience I never got to have.

  50. snakecharmer says:

    We didn’t find out with our first (we liked the element of surprise) but throughout the pregnancy I felt (sixth sense?) that I was carrying a girl. There was a twinge of a moment as I came to realize this that the other dream baby, the son, was gone and I was now bonding with my unborn (and unconfirmed) daughter. If I had been wrong and at her birth the dr. had said “Boy!” I would have been floored for a moment just to allow that mental readjustment but he said ‘Girl!’ instead (I knew it!) and I absolutely love indulging in having a daughter. This second pregnancy we decided to find out but again I intuitively felt that this one was going to be a boy and had that split second of disappointment to realize that my girl wouldn’t have the sister experience and that i’d have to give away all of the terribly cute girl clothes I have stockpiled in the basement. Then I was overjoyed to know (and confirmed this time) that I was going on a different adventure with my son and how exciting is that??? :-)

  51. Lionspaw says:

    This is going to sound harsh, but it is the truth. Lose a child then tell me you have gender disappointment.
    ~Jill–Mommy to Alex who passed away at 10 months

  52. adrianna says:

    Theres always some kinda gender disapointment situations for instance if u already have a girl most would want a boy or vice versa Ive even had a friend that had two boys and ended up with her third but she doesnt love bhim less becuz he didnt come out the way she wanted… There is a time where its just horrible like getting aborted because baby isnt the gender you want but some moms just need some time to get used to having a specific gender let them talk about it if ur not comfortable about it tell them everyone has different points of view different ways of feeling but everyone needs at least someone to understand with some people it takes a lot to admit those horrible feelings that u just cant help but to feel

  53. Brenna @ Almost All The Truth says:

    I get so upset when I hear about people that have true disappointment over the gender (sex) of their baby. There are too many people in this world that have true grief over losing babies, or not having the opportunity to have them at all, and too many unwanted babies – understanding that it is normal and expected to perhaps hope for one or the other, but the attitudes that you describe also bug me, to say the least.

    Every baby should be loved for who they are. Every baby should be wanted as much as their opposite sex would be. Every baby deserves to have parents that want him/her to be, just because they are a miracle.

    If not, adopt. Then you can be certain to have the “right” gender (sex).

  54. diane says:

    So many mommies want a little girl.. IT’s a fact, but let me tell you. I have a 5 yo girl and a 3 yo boy.. That little boy is the LOVE of my life. My daughter is too, but in a different way. My little boy is a snuggler, hugger, loves his mommy more than anything in this world . The only reason I wanted another girl for my 3rd (and it is a girl), is so that my little boy would be my only boy, my only little snuggly love . There is logic there too, in hoping that he will avoid all the ‘middle child’ syndrome stuff being the only boy. My oldest daughter will always be the oldest, my 3rd, will always be the baby, so now my little boy has something all his own. Weird logic and I would have been thrilled no matter what, but it helps a little, I guess. EVERY child is a blessing and should be welcomed as such…If you’re having your 1st and are disappointed w/ what you’re having, you just WAIT til you see that baby!!! You wont care if it comes out w/ 2 heads!!! ;)

  55. nikki says:

    thats just sad after having a miscarriage i just wanted a baby

  56. Andrea Bonner says:

    Erin, I love your comment. That’s exactly how my husband and I felt with out first baby, and we got a girl too! We had a feeling we’d have a girl first so we’d aways tell people, “We want a boy first, but we think it’s a girl. A girl would be awesome too!” I never experienced gender disapointment, I just love my baby and pray that God grants me more!

  57. Megan says:

    Having grown up an only child, I knew I would be having more than 1 kid, so I truly didn’t care with my first pregnancy. When we found out we were having a boy, I started to get excited about teaching him to play baseball and ride a bike, and mourned the lost dance recitals. Surprise, my son hates baseball and still doesn’t know how to ride a bike at 8, but he loves his ballet, jazz, tap and tumbling classes that he’s been taking since he was 4. Even better, the boys’ costumes are much cheaper than the girls’ costumes for the dance recitals. With our second, I was hoping for a girl, which I got, because we already had a boy, but I would’ve been only momentarily disappointed if she had been a boy instead, since my husband and I plan on having 1 or 2 more kids. With my luck, she’ll be a total tomboy, and insist on quitting dance after only a year, and get mad that she has to play softball, because she’d rather play baseball with the boys. She’s only 10 months old so time will tell.

  58. Megan says:

    I admit, I went into my ultrasound last week REALLY believing that my baby was a girl, as was my whole family’s belief also. But when we saw BOY, it was definately no doubt.But seeing my partners eyes well up, and feeling like Im going to be leaving a part of myself, and my partner, in the world hopefully long after Im gone, made me feel like I could never be any happier that I was having a SON. :)

  59. Aprile M. says:

    When we found out that we were pregnant we were both hoping for a boy. When they day came to find out and we were told that we were having a girl we were both a little disappointed. The disappointment passed very quickly as either way you look at it we were just happy to be having a child. I can understand gender disappointment to be a bigger problem for families with multiple children of all the same sex. I know that for my mother after having 3 girls she was pretty disappointed…lol.

  60. Maia G says:

    I was SO upset when I heard a woman at the hospital calling someone after she had her ultrasound. Her exact words were “This is so f*cking stupid! I just wanted a boy, but it’s another F*cking girl!”
    Seriously? How can someone actually feel that way? I just don’t get it.

  61. Carmen says:

    i LOVE being a mom of boys. I have two boys, and they are 4 and 5. My husband desperately wanted two boys because he grew up with a brother – Im not a girly girl by any means (i blame my non girly girl mother lol). If I had a girl it would be great too, but you know what? I wasn’t trying to have either a boy or a girl…i was trying for a human being. SCORE!

  62. Stephanie says:

    That’s really just awful. I had really wanted a boy when I was pregnant, when the time came to see the gender of the baby my boyfriend asked me, “What if the gender turns out to be a girl? Will you be okay or upset?” After thinking about it for a second I realized it didn’t matter in the least bit, I was just overjoyed at the thought of being a mom. We ended up having a wonderfully beautiful and amazing little girl and I couldn’t be happier.

    People need to realize that although we do have gender preference, either or is a beautiful thing! There is always good and bad with either of the genders. It’s not the gender that makes the child! It’s the parenting.

    And be grateful, some people can’t have any children. Society these days has gotten so pitiful.

  63. johananh steffens says:

    I knew from first moment i was pregnant that was having a son and love him so much.I have no prob trying play football,play cars/trunks. However, if i were wrong had girl my feelings of love would be the same,never would be disappointed.

  64. Cady says:

    Honestly I had a hard time when I found out I was having a boy. I worried that I would not love him as much as I would have a little girl. With his father being military and as much as he would love to be around our son, he is either asleep or at work. Which brought up the concern that I would be the main one around our son and having to teach him all the stuff he should be doing with his dad. But I cried like a baby when they put my son in my arms for the first time, and I would NOT trade him for the world! I have had such a blast being a mom. I’m so blessed to have both my son and my husband in my life!

  65. julsey says:

    I am an only child. My mother is an only child. Therefore my daughter will be. I was so happy to know I was having a girl, only because I have NO idea what to do with boys…

    …but I’d learn, and I know how hard it is just to have A baby, so I would have been happy either way. You love your child because it is your child, not because it is a boy or a girl.

  66. Grandmas' girl says:

    I beleave that god gives you the baby that your best suited to raise. I thought that I really wanted a girl for my first but I was blessed with a beautiful happy baby boy. And I never rethought the girl thing until my second child, of which I wanted to have another boy but swore this time I was carrying a girl. So surprise, another precious boy. In the early 1980s they didn’t have gender ID. I beleave my personality and lifestyle was best suited to raising boys. I had my 5 nieces of which 3 of them I babysat for regularly. It made me see how much easier it was to raise boys.
    I am now the very proud Grandmama of a beautiful, wonderful Granddaughter. Of which my current lifestyle is very much suited to bragging up this sweet little girl. I love all the cute things for girls that I can now buy to spoil her to my hearts content!
    I think that you can wish for a gender specific child. But when you become obsessed & depressed you are taking the joy away from the pregnancy experience. Your just setting yourself for misery. Be happy and in awe of the miracle of giving life.

  67. jen says:

    i cried when i found out i was having a boy.but i now have a 6 month old boy and am incredibly happy!

    i think that a lot of people experience gender disappointment not because they are horrible, shallow boy-hating people, but because its maybe how they always envisioned it… you know, like from a young age i day dreamed about one day having a little girl, that was what i expected, probably because i AM a girl, and have 3 sisters, so its what i know. so it can come as a shock when all of a sudden you realize its not going to be the way you thought it would, that it will just be different. add into that the massive hormone roller coaster that a woman is generally on!

    i don’t feel guilty about my initial gender disappointment, because i can do a little psych 101 and understand why i had the reaction i did :)

  68. Sam says:

    I thought I wanted a girl, and was actually a little disappointed at our 20 week ultrasound. I was obviously relieved that the baby was healthy, but as a woman with one sister raised by a single mother, the whole concept of boys was totally foreign to me.

    However, the second my sweet boy arrived, it was love at first sight. There is nothing like the way a little boy loves his mama. My son is the light of my life, and while I’m sure it would be that way boy or girl, I just can’t imagine any one but him as my first born.

  69. zeudi castro says:

    I have 1 girl and 3 boys. On my last pregnancy I do wanted a girl but as I going out that it was a boy I was equally happy and grateful. He went through so much obstacles while in my belly and was premature when he was born. I wouldn’t have it any way. Love my boy & my other 3 equally as well. I didn’t have a girl for my daughter to play with, but that’s what she’s got cousins for, lol

  70. Karli says:

    Thank you thank you for this article! We have one girl and then three little boys and we’re currently expecting number five. We haven’t “found out” with any of ours beforehand. With our third people used to say “Well you have one of each so it doesn’t matter.” Umm I didn’t know that it mattered before. Then with this one people keep saying, “Are you hoping for a girl?” or “Think pink!” I’d love another little girl, but I’d love another little boy too.

    I’ve wondered if there is less disappointment for those that don’t find out gender while pregnant. By the time I know boy or girl there is a squirmy slimy beautiful little person to love. Makes it hard to be disappointed.

  71. Jen says:

    I was hoping for a boy! I’m getting my wish! I am so not a girl type of mom!

  72. Ruth says:

    I was disappointed when I found out my first was a boy but that feeling didn’t last long. I cried with disappointment when my second was a boy. It took me a lot longer to get excited.
    But after my second son passed away at three months old from heart defects; I only care that my next child has a healthy heart.
    I wanted a girl so bad, I was close minded about having a boy. But now that I have one, I want more! Boys are so sweet and silly. I couldn’t live without my son.
    It annoys me greatly that parents are so worried about gender when in fact they should be worried about their child’s health. 1 in 100 babies are born with a heart defect. We should all be happy with a healthy baby, whether it’s a boy or girl.

  73. Jana A says:

    This whole gender disappointment thing makes me sad. When I was pregnant with my first, I KNEW in my heart it was a girl. Whatever that means. When the ultrasound lady said “It’s a boy” I cried. She grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and said, “Honey, if I know one thing, I know this: Little boys love their mamas.” I wasn’t disappointed, I was excited about the challenge because I knew nothing about little boys. It just wasn’t what I “knew” or whatever. After that son died, when we had our next child… all I wanted was for him/her (was a him) to be healthy. Didn’t care how many fingers or toes, just that he or she was healthy. Stuff like this deep sadness and disappointment over the baby’s gender (or even HOW the baby is born) makes me shake my head in confusion and frustration.

  74. Terry Elisabeth says:

    I didn’t have any preference. Then I found out we are having a boy. I can tell you my boyfriend and I are so excited and proud ! We just wanted a baby whatever the gender. But a boy…it is foreign to me having grown up surrounded by sisters. A boy ! New territory and an adventure. I’m all excited ! My boyfriend was already proud that “his boys can swim” but now he’s over the moon.

  75. Tara says:

    I’m thrilled to be having another baby boy:)

  76. amywindsor says:

    I love my three boys, but I still burst into tears when people ask me if I wanted a little girl and if I’ve considered having a fourth to get one. My therapist told me that I needed to allow myself to “mourn the loss of the little girl” I never had. It’s better since then, but I admit I’m welling up just writing this. :(

  77. Janna says:

    AmyWindsor I can totally relate to what you are saying.
    I absolutely love my two boys and am so thankful I get to be their mother. I confess my husband and I did both cry (briefly) at the ultrasound when we were expecting #2 because we had hoped for a girl but that feeling was short lived and now we can’t imagine not having both of our little boys. They are 18 months apart and perfect playmates for each other. Plus, it’s so convenient to be able to reuse everything from child #1.
    That being said we found out this summer we will most likely not be able to have any more biological children. And this has brought on incredible sadness because we weren’t sure we are family is complete with just 2 children. And I am certainly mourning the loss of a little girl. As much as I love my boys. So I can totally understand.

  78. Cecile says:

    How sad is it that in some countries, only boys are valued and girl babies are actually aborted. I have two girls and one boy. Each has a different personality. I wanted a girl as my third because I was use to girls, but I am sooooo glad I got a boy. What a joy he has been in my life.

  79. kenzie says:

    Omg wow. I really can’t understand what makes someone think that if they have a daughter she’ll be perfect. So girly girly, so sweet and lovely. Get real. Your daughter can be bad, aggressive, sexually active, have a baby at a young age and whatever else gives you nightmares. Why not adopt if you want your desired gender that bad. Making a baby you know the chances are 50/50. I don’t think people who are hung up on gender need children period. Its wrong to that baby future adult to have such a hateful, ignorant, immature parent. And the screwed up thing is that some people really believe that their desired gender will make life perfect. Whats wrong with trying for adoption

  80. vanita says:

    Crissy, great topic. I think some moms daydream about little pink dresses and pigtails and proms. A few Ppl I know expressed a disappointment of missing out on that because they were going to have boys. I have two teen girls a 3yo son and a 2yo girl. My son was a wonderful surprise. I hadn’t expected a boy. My youngest and 3rd daughter was also a wonderful surprise. I didn’t think she was even possible. And each and ever child is a pleasure to raise (even the teens). True the experience is a bit different between genders but still amazingly wonderful (even when the tots skip their naps and run a muck). :)

  81. Shawna Elkins says:

    I’m sorry but in my opinion you should feel BLESSED to be having a baby period!! There are SO MANY OUT THERE THAT CAN NOT HAVE CHILDREN WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE HAVING THAT BABY BOY!! It shouldn’t matter if you are having a baby boy or girl, you are blessed to be having a baby at all. I have one child, a girl and I can not wait to have another. Of course, I would love to have a girl and a boy but I will be ECSTATIC with whichever I have. If god decides to BLESS ME with another.

  82. Felicia Stevenson says:

    I don’t think it’s horrible, I certainly experienced it. My sister had two boys and I already had one. I don’t plan on having more, so it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy to be having a boy, it was that I was devastated I wouldn’t have a girl. I got over it when he was born, he’s such a sweetheart, I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

    feliciamaystevenson@blogspot.com

  83. V says:

    I totally understand the gender disappointment but not to the extent that I wouldn’t want that baby any longer after finding out the sex.
    When I found out my first was baby boy, I was disappointed but not too badly as I thought I will still have a chance to have a girl next. My boy is so lovely and such a mummy boy and I love him more than anything in the world. Now I’m pregnant with second, I don’t want to think about having a another boy. I always wanted a girl. I am not outdoor person and don’t like sports. I just want to do girly stuff with my daughter.
    Many people commented here already have both sex and I don’t think they would understand the feeling of emptiness for not having a desired gender.
    I would of course love my children regardless of gender but I will always have a feeling that my life is not complete without my daughter.

  84. Jen says:

    The fact that gender disapointment exists sickens me. It took me 19 months, thousands of dollars and months of fertility treatments to conceive my son. I didn’t care what his sex was; I was just so happy to finally get my miracle. And that’s what every child is, a little miracle, regardless of which parts they have.

  85. Amensej says:

    The main reason I cried when I found out that my second was a boy, was that for 38 weeks I had been told the baby was a girl. Took me 3 months to return/exchange all the girls stuff! Currently 33weeks with my 3rd, ultrasound at 20 weeks wasnt very conclusive, so I will find out in approx 7 more weeks if I get 3 boys total, or a little pink bundle!

  86. Alex says:

    I think perhaps you should do some research on this subject. Many polls (sorry, too lazy to look up sources right now but feel free to do so, the info is all over the place) and more than fifty percent of people still say they would prefer to have a boy over a girl for any number of reasons. I think it would be interesting for you to ask the fathers this questions, I would be willing to bet the response would lean towards boy. I understand that you specifically may know people that may, on some level, prefer to have a girl, but unfortunately all across the world the girl stigma still exists, and I think it’s refreshing to hear people hope for a girl, makes me think they have a more open mind on the subject.

  87. ann says:

    I didn’t have ultra sound for my oldest( son now 30)When born and I was told ihe was a he -I was glad. My second pregnancy 5 1/2 years later was my daughter(now 25) when I was told she was a she I was kind of disappoineted but not for reasons some may think-I was upset because I can’t do anything when it comes to hair and I remembered my mom always doing my hair. Best I could (and still lol) is a ponytail-

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