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Gender Does Matter

By Danielle |

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Ever since my first son was born, I knew that my family would not be complete until we had boys and girls. It was just something I have always felt in my heart.

With my second pregnancy, everyone was sure I was having a girl. All the signs and wives tales pointed at a penis free child, and we couldn’t be more shocked when we learned he was all boy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my two son’s more than anything in this world, and I would not trade them for a little girl.  I love being the mother of boys, but something inside me still knows I need a little girl in my life. Heck, the last little girl in our family was ME!

We decided that we will choose to find out the sex when we go for our 18-20 week anatomy scan on December 9th. But it still seems like eternity. Especially knowing in the back of our minds that this is going to be the last baby joining our family. A friend of mine is also in the same position right now. Gina to me, but The Feminist Breeder to most others described the way I feel to a T in her post I’ve Decided How I Want to Find out the Sex on Wednesday.

The more I read, the more I shook my head in agreement. The more she was telling the same story I would be telling, and it sparked me to make some extreme comments about the gender of this child. I am not even going to wait till the ultrasound, I am just going to insist now, this is a little girl, and have already started to design her nursery in my head.

I know that there are a lot of people out there who will just say, you get what you get, and you don’t get upset but knowing this is probably our last chance for pink,ruffle butts, and tu-tu’s… I can’t help to be the bigger person and admit, if we have a third boy, I will be disappointed. It is human nature.

Will I love my child just as much as I love my other kids?  You bet your ass!
Will I long for another child secretly?  Probably.
Will I screw my child up for life telling him I wish he was a girl?  No way.

But it is what it is.
There needs to stop being so much judgment of pregnant women when they are disappointed with something. Whether it be gender, opportunity, health problems, or delivery.

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About Danielle



Danielle Elwood is a straight-shooting Florida based mom of three and emerging indie author. Read bio and latest posts → Read Danielle's latest posts →

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8 thoughts on “Gender Does Matter

  1. Jessi says:

    I agree wholeheartedly.

    I’m currently 3 weeks from having my third son, and while I’m thrilled to be adding another brother for my children, I’m also mourning the lost potentialities of having a girl.

    I thought this would be my last child. Work and grad school are calling. But, my yearning is so great, that we may just have to try again.

  2. Erin says:

    I’m on the opposite side of this dilema. My husband makes girls. Even though my last pregnancy was extremely tough (pre-eclampsia) I just dont have that “done” feeling yet. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone!!!

  3. Jenny says:

    My husband and I have just started and we have one sweet little girl. I have always wanted to have one of each and he would like the same. Before we even started having children we both agreed that if we had 2 boys or 2 girls and we still had the desire to have a girl or boy to make our family feel more complete, then we would adopt. That would guarantee our dreams to be fulfilled and I am not left feeling any disapointment or anxiety about discovering if its a girl or a boy the next go rownd.

  4. dawn says:

    Gender Disappointment – mild to severe feelings of sadness, regret, or depression experienced by parents who wound up with a different sex than they were hoping for – is very real and very complex. It’s a shame that it is considered so taboo in our culture, so that the many women who suffer it feel that they have no outlet, when many would benefit greatly from counseling and support. Thanks for writing an article that addresses the subject, even mildly.

    I cried for a month when we found out we were having a second son, and went through all the guilt and pain of knowing I was a terrible mother for not being excited about his impending birth. By the end of the pregnancy I had gotten my head around it and I adore my two boys now as passionately as any mother could. The reality, in gender disappointment, is that it is about the child you don’t have, not the ones you do. In my mind, the daughter I had dreamed of and hoped for since my own childhood had died. She would never be a reality. She had to be mourned.

    There are a few online communities and forums that address the issue, where women vent, grieve, offer support, celebrate their triumphs, and discuss methods of gender selection during conception (there are a few). I would recommend anyone suffering from gender disappointment to start googling it and they will find their way. (Don’t want to put a link here, as these sites are ripe ground for critics and trolls who feel a need to demonize women in pain). Thanks again for addressing the topic and I sincerely hope you are blessed with a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby.

  5. Holly says:

    I agree. It is like we, as women, are expected to be all stoic and not want a certain gender and if we fail we are somehow bad mothers. Bullshit. We are still human and have wants, becoming a mom does not mean we suddenly cease to care about our own desires. I, for one, am not going to add to the culture of mommy guilt by insisting moms try to force themselves to not want a little girl, or boy.

  6. Dana says:

    If gender is so important then why don’t you just have the gender you want? There are labs that will separate the sperm for you. For instance –

  7. Danielle625 says:

    @Dana, that would be a possibility, had this been a planned pregnancy.

  8. melissa says:

    I’m having my 4th and last child in may and all 4 have been boys i was upset at the ultrasound but accepted it at the time my husband on the other hand cried in front of the ultrasound tech who looked like she didnt know how to react later when i asked him why he got so upset he told me he was upset for me because he knew how bad i wanted a girl and he feels like he failed me he made me feel like complete crap without actually meaning to and i had to reassure him i was okay with it when actually as time goes on i feel more and more not okay about it. To make a long story short this will definitely be my last one due to a full hysterectomy that is scheduled soon after i’m due for health reasons. I guess i have to learn to accept the only girls im going to have are my 2 nieces. I’m only 22 so a full hysterectomy at that age is upsetting enough no matter how many kids you have or if you have each gender it closes that part of your life i will never have the chance to feel another baby kick inside me for the rest of my life.

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