We received the referral of the waiting child we expressed an interest in this past Friday. It was hard not to be instantly smitten with his happy face and chubby cheeks. I poured over every inch of his paperwork, medical files, background. Googled terms I didn’t know. And stared at that little face.
In the midst of this we have doctors looking over his files that we were given, at our agency’s recommendation. We also are still waiting for the interview portion of our homestudy to be finished and sent to us for review. Everything else is done.
These two things are HUGE steps in this process. Either of them could drastically change the path we’re on. Not “passing” a homestudy would mean we’re kinda screwed on adoption. I try not to dwell on that too often.
Finding out we may not be able to provide the best care to this little boy we were sent would change things too. Even though it’s only a picture, only some paperwork – it feels like in a way he’s already a small part of our family. We pray for him at night, talk about him during the day. My girlfriend came to visit with her kids this past weekend and one was just a few days younger than our waiting child. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him wondering if the little boy in South Korea might be doing something that was similar.
All of this presents a bit of a problem. With my emotions. As much as I don’t want to, I have to guard my heart for a little while longer. I have to remind myself anything could happen to change it all, especially at the moment.
I want to fall full on into this, but I can’t. Part of it comes from being realistic, the other from the loss of our twins. We were so sure that was going to happen, so prepared, our hearts so wrapped up in the joy of their arrival – I have to hold back a little until we have more certainty now. I have to, for my own sanity. It’s not that I won’t be devastated, but at least I won’t be surprised or caught off guard.
I just want to know. I want to move forward or move on. I feel like I’m walking blindly along trying to keep my emotions from leaping to one side or the other. Trying to not fall in love with a little boy that isn’t ours.
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.
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