Before I got pregnant and throughout our time managing infertility, I was prepared for a high-risk pregnancy. I have always been classified as “high risk” in terms of my pregnancies because of my previous miscarriages, but that took on a whole new meaning when I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, and that was pinpointed as one of the main causes for all my losses.
I am on daily injections of blood thinners, which helped me carry my youngest child to term safely. This high-risk status was taken to a new level; thanks to the medication, I can’t safely go into labor so it necessitates early induction. I can’t be on the medication for more than 12 hours, and I can’t safely deliver while on it, so labor and birth must be carefully planned out.
It’s certainly not ideal, and I just wish the labor and birth I would love to have — it involves a pool and my house, and not multiple IV bags in the hospital — were possible. But, if that’s what it takes to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy, I am all for it. And that’s what I signed up for this time, too.
With the news at my last appointment that things aren’t perfect, the mom guilt has crept in and it’s a hard thing to shake. There is an issue with the umbilical cord, the lifeline to my unborn child, and the theory is that it’s linked to my Factor V Leiden. A clot may have formed in one of the arteries and caused issues related to the cord, the baby’s kidney, and maybe his heart. I am honestly confident that everything will work out well — I need to hold onto that positivity, but the guilt that maybe I did this somehow is not an easy thing to live with right now.
One day a few months ago, I forgot to take a needle injection until I remembered at 10 at night. I normally take the medication at 8 0r 9 in the morning when I wake up, so it had been more than 12 hours (almost 24) since my last injection. That’s double the amount of time I am told I can safely be off the medication. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now with this news, my brain is trying to circle around and pinpoint if that was me.
It’s certainly not a productive thing to do, but I would be lying if I said that never crossed my mind. The truth is we will never really know, and even if we did, it wouldn’t help anything going forward. I am doing my best to focus on the good news: My baby boy is happy and healthy right now. We are being well taken care of and are getting tests to further check things out, and if there is something wrong or the kidney issue is not found to be a fluke, it will be tracked and monitored as will his growth.
It’s just kind of scary to know how fragile it all is. And that feeling that I don’t have too much control over it is not a great feeling.
:: Have you had mom guilt when it comes to your pregnancy? Share in the comments! ::
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Devan is a freelance writer living in Toronto, Ontario with her husband, three kids and expecting baby #4 at the end of this year. Read more from Devan on Babble and “like” Accustomed Chaos on Facebook!