There is a strangeness after a miscarriage. More so, after multiple miscarriages where you begin to feel more ‘prepared’ for a miscarriage than the pregnancy actually making it to term. I believe that this strange fog is actually the beginning of grief, which is complicated by hormonal shifts that make even the small things seem big. Constant reminders of what has happened, what is happening — around every corner. It’s such a bizarre feeling really. Stoic with a big helping of hormonal is leaving me feeling very vulnerable today.
I had a hard night. Hard isn’t even the best word. I labored all day and night and finally felt better when my body released what it had been working so hard to remove. As a post traumatic stress sufferer, it was something I had to work deeply to manage and was actually quite proud of how I handled everything in the very early morning.
Today, I am exhausted. Hormones are leaving me feeling sick to my stomach, the hot flashes as my body starts to bring my progesterone levels down leave me very uncomfortable. I am a whole lot of angry , a whole lot of guilty feeling and pretty much just wiped clean of all energy today.
I have all these conflicting feelings — conversations between my heart and my hormones that are leaving me confused.
I feel guilty, though know I am not guilty of anything.
I feel embarrassed that this has happened again, though know this is nothing to be embarrassed for.
I am angry & feel silly that I am angry, though I know that it is an okay feeling to have.
I feel like I want to hold all these feelings in, it’s the type of person I am, but would not feel authentic if I didn’t share the grief too.
It’s real and I can’t ignore it. It’s real and healthy to feel. I know I am not the only one who feels this way after loss, though this may be the first time someone hears they are not alone in these conflicting feelings.
I advocate for resources and support for people who have been touched by perinatal grief. I am painfully aware again just how much support is needed as I open up my experience. I have received some interesting comments already over my choice to share our new miscarriage & our decision to grow our family with my history and I expect I will continue to hear from the uninformed and ignorant.
Thank you to all of you who have offered your condolences and support. Thank you for the sweet comments, tweets and private emails. Thank you for saying you’re sorry, acknowledging my loss and for all the virtual hugs. Support is key to working through the grief and it means more to me than I can say.
Photo credit: aislinn2000 on Flickr