Today on my personal blog I announced that our baby due in August is a boy! Sam and I could not be more thrilled. I found out first when he was away and I was 14 weeks along (yes, they can tell that early although it’s never 100%). It was fairly obvious (cue Sam being incredibly proud lol) and since then I’ve had 2 other doctors peek and confirm.
But in all honesty, before we knew, I wasn’t sure how I would feel if this little one was a boy. I wondered if I would break down when we got the news, thinking of the two little boys supposed to be here right now. I voiced these feelings to my therapist and Sam, trying to work through some of it before we would get to that point. What I didn’t want to be held back from bonding with this baby as a totally separate little person, or to place the loss of my twins on him trying to compensate for that pain.
When the ultrasound tech smiled and asked the MFM, “That looks like a boy to me, right?” I felt this twinge of loss about the sons I’ll never know past the little time I got to hold them, and then a surge of relief. I’d still get to have a little boy to raise on earth, and that was something I’ve always hoped for.
Truly, the gender of this baby comes a FAR second behind his health, but of course like any pregnancy it’s a huge part of the wonder and excitement. I would have loved a little girl again, but I do think part of me would have wondered what being able to raise a little boy would have been like.
While for a time I wondered if a boy would constantly be a reminder of what Preston and Julian would have looked like, how they would have acted, and how they would have fit into our home and family – now I’m so thankful that I’ll get a small peek into raising a boy.
We are all so thankful that so far this pregnancy itself has been fairly smooth. My body goes through a lot with the pills and shots, but I’ve felt the nausea and exhaustion lessen up these past few weeks and I have been able to slow down and enjoy. The worry is always with me though. I can’t help it, I’m pretty sure it would be abnormal not to worry after previously losing a baby.
So we look forward now to welcoming our son into our family. In due time. I think one of the greatest gifts (and total irony) would be to have gone through all of the stuff this pregnancy to keep him in there and then be overdue. That would be lovely for me – mentally if not physically.
No promises I won’t complain a bit about it though if I get to that point. Let’s be realistic here. No one likes to be that huge for that long.
MORE FROM DIANA:
- 6 Things You Should Know About Pelvic Rest During Pregnancy
- 8 Things I Don’t Actually Worry About This Pregnancy
- A Necessary Procedure: The 10 Steps of My Cerclage
- 14 Questions and Tips for Hiring a Nanny Before the Baby
- 16 Weeks Pregnant: Stats, Symptoms, and Pics