I Know Who I Am. But Where Am I and How did I Get Here?

Hello. My name is Emily Elling. I’m 32 years old and pregnant with my fourth child. Whoa, did I just type that? When did that happen? I’m pretty sure I know at least how it happened.

It happened 17 weeks ago, if you’re into specifics. Or at least that’s what my doctor calculated for me.

Sometimes (oftentimes) I look back at the last seven years and I don’t even know who’s life I’m even living anymore. When did I become a mom to three (almost four) children? At what point did my hair go from dirty beach blonde to dark brown with a side of frizzy? And for the love, where on earth did all these stretchmarks come from?

I ask myself these questions every single day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, it’s just not the life I planned. Because, um, I don’t plan much these days.

Some women are planners, I am not one of these women. I’m going to be honest and transparent with you:

Not one of my four pregnancies have been premeditated.

I’ve never had a defined birth plan, although all three of my past births have been very different from each other.

None of my births have been induced, despite being overdue every single time.

Despite being a professional interior designer, I’ve never found out the gender before birth so I could plan a gender specific themed nursery.

And after almost 7 years of parenting, I still am not sure how you would classify my parenting style. Wishy-washy? Laid back and lazy? Calm and collected? Hardly.

I don’t know what it is, but I have realized that I find calm in the unknown, and often thrive with lack of schedule. Dare I say I love surprises?

When it comes to growing a family, I believe that “not having a plan” is often a luxury and choice not all couples get to make. Being afforded whimsy and flippancy regarding conception and birth is a gift not all women are given.

Personally, I’ve been incredibly blessed to never having a hard time getting pregnant or staying pregnant. I’ve had very “easy” babies, and an equally helpful husband that pitches in along the way. These things I will never take for granted.

You might call me a lot of things, but a scheduler is not one of them. I’m just going to go ahead and watch where life takes me. I’m sure there will be ups and down, and many detours along the way, but I’m up for the ride.

How about yourself? Are you a self-proclaimed planner? Or do you just roll with life’s (belly) punches?

Article Posted 4 years Ago
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