When you’re dealing with infertility, there are many emotions that can come into play on any given day.
Month after month, and suddenly I’m into a year of negative pregnancy tests. The emotions have ranged from disappointment to anger, frustration to self-doubt.
When I finally got my husband on to the idea of having another baby, I was so excited. I was daydreaming about the baby bump, the baby names and all the joys that come with expecting. As the months went on and I realized that this was not going to go as I had planned, the happy daydreaming has been replaced with disappointment, worry and some uglier, but true, emotions such as envy.
If I had said that I felt completely happy every time I heard a pregnancy announcement, I would be lying. It’s not that I am not happy for the person — I truly am — but there is a moment where I ask myself, “When will it be my turn?” A small moment where I acknowledge my disappointment and yearning for something that should come easy and naturally, but isn’t happening that way for me.
After I feel that pang of envy, the guilt starts to creep in. How could I feel that way? Does this make me a bad person? The first time I felt that pang, I felt totally horrified that I had a moment of wishing I was in their shoes. As the months have gone on and I’ve felt that pang a few times since, I have realized that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s normal and it doesn’t make me a bad person.
I imagine it’s a common feeling among those battling infertility and grieving the easy conception and pregnancy we dreamt of is healthy.
:: Did you have to deal with some moments of envy while you were trying to conceive? ::
Photo credit: modified from iStockPhoto
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