Or am I stuck with Mariah Carey? For a time I thought it might be Beyonce, which isn’t so bad, but her mom says it ain’t true. Now, talk on the web says it may be Jessica Simpson. Is it true? Is Jessica trying to have a baby with boyfriend of just a few months, Eric Johnson? Do you already want to stab me in the forehead with a fork for caring?
Okay, so listen. I’m one of those idiots that buys Us Weekly, In Touch, People and yes, in a pinch I’ll even grab a Life & Style. I read the trash mags throughout most, okay, all of my twenties. I liked nothing better than a date with myself that involved burritos, cookie dough and a glossy new Us Weekly.
Stop judging! You know you’ve paged through the National Enquirer featuring Stars Without Make-up. Or the best/worst bodies edition. It’s like watching an old episode of Jerry Springer. Makes you feel a lot better about yourself, right? Like, my boyfriend just dumped me and I’m still looking for a job but LOOK! Mischa Barton has tons of cellulite!
I don’t buy them as often now because looking at pictures of Justin Bieber and his co-star – his hair – makes me feel like a growly Cougar even though I’m only thirty-three. And I’ve never seen an episode of Gossip Girl or watched a Twilight movie, for that matter. Which doesn’t really give me a lot to read about this days.
But it’s hard to let go, you know? I started reading when it was Britney vs. Christina and Britney vs. Justin Timberlake and Britney vs. K-Fed and then Britney vs. Herself and who could put that stuff down? Now it’s all about Bieber Fever, dissecting Taylor Swift’s latest lyrics and which Jo Bro is hottest, which leaves me feeling cold. But still!
Occasionally I’ve been known to hastily flip through an In Touch or Us Weekly while standing in line at Wal-Mart. Will Cameron Diaz ever find love? Is Katie really Tom’s prisoner? Will that silver fox, George Clooney, really be single forever? These are important issues facing the world today, people! And please just show me more pictures of Brad Pitt because I still love him even though I was a solid Team Aniston member back in 2005.
Anyway, you know how the mags are forever on “bump watch” (a stupid term that makes me think of metastasizing cancer) and constantly trying to nail down which celebs are pregnant? I think Angelina Jolie has been pregnant ten or eleven times, according to the gossip rags. But this is the first time, I think, that they’ve started pointing the pregnancy finger in Jessica Simpson’s direction.
When I first got pregnant with Violet I wondered who my celeb pregnancy partner would be, you know? Who would I be pregnant and give birth with? Which celeb spawn would be the same age as my child? Who would I identify with? I think the closest was Jennifer Garner’s daughter Seraphina. I know, what a stupid thing. But hey, whatever. When you’re pregnant you naturally notice the other pregnancies around you and as they shove the celeb babies down our throats I couldn’t help but be drawn to Jen’s “bump” and compare it to my own. She definitely lost the baby weight faster.
I’ve gotta be honest, I’m kind of excited about the Simpson development. I’d way rather be pregnant with her than Mariah Carey. I mean, have you seen Glitter? Not even Precious makes up for that.