Is This a Bad Reason? 12 Questionable Reasons to Get Pregnant
I’ve spent a long time debating whether or not to get pregnant again. A really long time.
My son is turning 4 in a couple of weeks, and I can’t believe how fast, how instantly, the months have ticked by. I assumed I would’ve had an overwhelming need to have a second child by now — especially after having such an uncomplicated pregnancy and an easy-peasy baby/toddler/child. Why wouldn’t I want another baby, especially if he/she could be just like my first?
Truthfully, I have a long list of reasons. Some selfish, most practical.
But the biggest reason? I don’t know that I have a strong enough reason to get pregnant. I’ve had fleeting moments — weeks, at times — where I’m sure we’ll have another one, if not now then soon. But whenever a wave of “let’s have another baby” washes over me, I stop and think IS THIS A GOOD REASON?
Sometimes the reasons are laughably ridiculous, and other times they really make me think. Most of the time, the question is rhetorical — yes, I know that having a child for a fancy stroller is not a good reason to get pregnant — but sometimes I’m really asking. Is getting pregnant so that my son has a playmate a good enough reason to bring another life into the world? Is it?
Here are 12 semi-ridiculous — but sometimes not-so-ridiculous? — reasons that I’ve wanted to have a second baby. Are these bad reasons?:
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1. The Baby Gear
I think this is probably a unique situation, but I ended up reviewing baby gear toward the end of my son's babyhood — everything from highchairs to strollers to cribs. And even though I donated 99.9% of the baby products, I've tucked away my favorites for the "what if" future baby. So I have this stockpile of all the gorgeous products that I never could have afforded during my first pregnancy — and it makes me want a new baby to put in that crib and that stroller and that highchair. But then I have to remind myself that it's just stuff. It's just stuff.
Check out my stroller reviews. -
2. I Want a Re-Do
I have less than 10 photos of me pregnant. I didn't record enough of my thoughts and feelings. I cried a lot. This is one of the most common reasons for me to want a new pregnancy — because I have a need to do it better next time. To be excited to see a positive pregnancy test, to take monthly belly photos...to just have a do-over. But are my own trivial regrets a good enough reason to create a life?
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3. Favorite Baby Names
I'll hear a baby name that I love — or, worse, I'll get lost in a baby-name site — and I'm overwhelmed with a "WE NEED TO HAVE THIS BABY" feeling. But is a cool name a good enough reason to have a child?
My favorite baby-naming site: Nameberry -
4. My Sister's Photography
These are all photos that my sister took of her newborn son — and they're stunning. She started getting into photography when my son was a toddler, so although I have more gorgeous photos of him than I could have ever imagined — I imagine the beautiful labor/newborn photos she could take for me. And then I want a baby. And then I realize that maybe that's not the best reason.
See more newborn photographs of my nephew. -
5. Trying for a Girl
This isn't a good reason for obvious reasons. On the one hand, I can't imagine growing old without a daughter. But on the other (more rational) hand, I realize that gender is never a certain gamble.
Photo: Picnik Photography -
6. The Ideal Spacing
Although there's a lot of talk about the "perfect" spacing between siblings, I'm 100% sure that this is NOT a good reason to have a second baby. I know some siblings who are 2 years apart and they're best friends. Others? Despise one another. I know some parents who had kids 6 years apart and they thought it was a little too spaced out. I know quite a few parents who swear up and down that the 6- to 7-year spacing is perfect. I've asked this question to A LOT of people, and I've never seen a clear consensus. So is being rushed to have kids in a certain time frame
Photo: Picnik Photography -
7. For My Writing
Now let me stop you right there. I know this is a horrible reason to have a child — I know, I know, I know. And I'm not saying I'd ever get pregnant to further my career or give me new writing material, but I can't say it hasn't briefly blipped into my mind.
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8. My Sister/Friend is Having a Baby
When my sister announced she was pregnant, a small part of me wanted to be pregnant with her.
Photo: Picnik Photography -
9. My Body is Really Good at Being Pregnant
...knock on wood.
But again, do I want a pregnancy or do I want a child? If the answer is anything other than the latter, is that fair for said child? -
10. To Keep the Benefits of Starting Young
Here's my big selfish reason. When my son goes to college, I'll be 40. I'll be able to take long vacations, sleep in on the weekends, take my career to the next level. I'll have an early empty nest.
There are a lot of great perks to having kids at a younger age — do I want to forfeit those reasons by spacing out my kids? Shouldn't I have a second baby soon, if I'm going to at all? -
11. A Playmate for my Son
And here's my biggest question mark. I can't tell you how many times I've watched Noah playing toys by himself or beg mom or dad to play superheroes with him, and secretly wish he had a playmate. I can't say that I regret not having a second child yet — it really hasn't been the right time, most of which has been out of my control — but I do wish he had someone. But I have this nagging voice in my head that wonders, is it a good reason to have a child for my first child?
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12. I Miss Having a Baby
I'm a baby person. Of course I loved having a toddler and I'm loving this new venture into the bigger-kid phase, but I'm a nurturer at my core. I just want to cuddle and love and kiss and love, rather than discipline and strategize. And maybe it's because I've past the baby stage already that I'm having a difficult time with this. I saw how FAST the baby stage went, so it's forced me to really assess whether I want a baby or a child. The baby phase is fun and cute, but fleeting. Do I want to have another CHILD?
Ultimately, I’m waiting for that feeling that I not only want to have another baby, but need to have another baby. I’m waiting for that moment when — even if you took away the baby gear and the photography and the baby names — I want to welcome our newest family member.
But right now I feel complete. Happy. Only time will tell, I suppose.
What are some of the questionable reasons you want/wanted to have another baby?
Photo: Picnik Photography
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For me it was less about my son having a playmate as a child (which is a great thing, of course), than about what happens down the line when he is an adult and my husband and I grow old (which I hope we will) and then are gone. While I recognize that not all siblings have a good, or even any, relationship when they are adults, I sincerely hope that my boys will and I will do all I can to help foster that. I want them to have someone who shares their childhood and who can share the burdens of dealing with aging parents and give support to one another through life’s difficult times.
Funny no where does it say that your partner would also like another baby? Do you/either of you have siblings?
While I feel the importance of having siblings I wonder whether you do or not.
If you only want one child that is fine, but if deep down you want a sibling for your son then I say go for it. 9 months is a while and don’t let that “while” pass you by another year. Sooner than later as in do it now before he is too old to enjoy a younger brother or sister.
I want another baby for my daughter to have a sibling. I am an only child and I am/was extremely close to my mother. She passed away 4 yrs ago and I took it very hard. I had no one to turn to, no one to share in the grief, my father remarried only 18 mos later. I want a larger family and I envy those who have that. BBQs and Sunday dinners, vacations and play dates. A sibling is something I never had, but now wish I did. I don’t want my daughter to go through the same thing I am going through now if something should happen to me
@Helen – Thank you for your comment. That’s a very good point. Although I know many only children who are happy to be only children (my best friend being one of them), I’ve had quite a few grown-up only children say the same thing to me.
Lissa makes good points. Does your husband want another child? But even that isn’t really a good reason to have a baby if you don’t want it. Reading this article, it seems that she’s ambivalent about it. Having a child so your other child has a playmate is a really bad idea, IMO. Only children can and do make it just fine. My daughter and my niece are proof of that. If you don’t have that baby now, don’t. My brother and I are six years apart. And no matter if you swear you won’t do it, the older child ends up watching the younger child. But the worst reason is because you’d like to have a girl. My mother wanted a boy in the worst way and got me. It took her six years to get her boy and there has never been a doubt he’s her favorite. She doesn’t mean to do it, and she says she doesn’t have a favorite, but she does. Everyone sees it but her. It’s hurtful when she tells about not believing she had her boy til the nun showed her. And she never knew it cut like a knife. Make sure you really want a baby that will grow up, too.
I am trying to conceive, have been, for about a year. I have a soon-to-be 4yr old, a 23 yr old daughter (prev marriage) who is out on her own in another state, a 14 yr old stepson who lives with his mom. I want another child for my son to grow up with and share a childhood with. Yes he does have other siblings, but with them not being here with him, is not sharing and growing in his childhood. I am turning 44 next month and time is running out for me. My P’s are getting irregular and was basically slapped in the face with reality by my OB/GYN’s nurse, that I am running out of viable eggs.
Your only regret, I believe, will be waiting. You NEVER regret having a child if you even had the hint of it in your mind. The only regrets in life are the things you didn’t do…
@Lissa – My husband is in the same place I am. Back and forth, although I have a feeling he’d be VERY quick to be excited about a new baby.
@Sarah – I’m only 26, so luckily I have fertility on my side. I think you’re very right in that the only child you regret is the one you don’t have. Good luck to you.
I am so glad you wrote this! I have been wrestling with this same topic. Before our daughter was born, my husband and I agreed that we only wanted to have one child. We wanted to be able to give her the things she needs/wants (but not spoil) without financial worries. A lot of people have been very critical of this for many of the reasons you listed above, mostly for not giving our daughter a sibling. My daughter may never have any cousins, and with no siblings, it just seems lonely. I have thought about when our daughter is older and grown up, will her children have cousins? Will she be all alone when my husband and I are gone without a sibling? When my mother passed away, I would not have survived without my brothers. I am much closer with my brother who is 6 years older than me, so the age gap does not worry me. Basically, I am wrestling with the same questions… but the one that keeps coming back is, “If I have another, will the pregnancy be as amazing and exciting the second time? Will I be able to love him/her as much as my first? Will I be able to share the love?” I figure the answers will come to me in time… but I have friends who say, “If you wait until the perfect time to have a baby, you’d never have a baby.” Sometimes you have to just go with your gut!
@Tara – I agree. My friend told me, “The thing I took away from that post is that you’re thinking about this WAY too much. Just do it.” And I think she might be right. My gut isn’t quite there yet, but there’s truth to that.
Am 45years and i dont wants to risk my life to undergo any child birth . Care of a child needs alot of commitments . For delivery am saying good bye for life .
Late to the party here, but I say not to wait until you’re “totally sure” because either that day will never come, or once you are sure, things don’t go so well fertility wise. Infertility happens in young women too, or less fertility than you’d like so instead of 9 months from decision to baby, you wind up with a year and 9 months or longer (or needing expensive help). We were sure that since we were young we’d have no trouble with kid 2, and it’s been a long hard 3 years discovering we were wrong! If you are both better than 50% sure and better than 70% stable, go for it.
I think all 12 reasons COMBINED are the reason why you SHOULD have #2! If it was just one of those reasons then… probably not.