It Isn't That Simple...Infertility and Control

It just isn't that simple...

I was brought up to believe that if you wanted something, you had to put your mind to it and work hard for it.

If that didn’t work, then I knew I just had to work harder.

I’ve always been proud of the fact that whenever I’ve committed to something important, I have been successful.

I was on the Dean’s List throughout college and went on to earn my master’s degree, graduating summa cum laude.

If I’ve wanted something, I just worked at it.

I believed that I was in control.

If I failed, it was because I hadn’t worked hard enough.

It was that simple. Effort in, results out.

But here I am, completely failing at something that I honestly don’t know how to work any harder at…

…getting pregnant.

I’ve always found comfort in the connection between hard work and success. It has made me feel as though I had some power over my life.

But now, I am powerless, really.

I can’t will myself pregnant. I can’t work harder.

Some days on this journey are easier than others. But today, my powerlessness feels so heavy.

Giving up control is the hardest part of infertility.

If only it was as easy as putting forth extra effort.