I have no answers.
There was nothing wrong with the boys. They were perfect, healthy, no problems.
There was nothing wrong with me – I mean, my water broke at 18 weeks so something was wrong – but no infection, no signs that my cervix was thinning (it wasn’t) or that I was dilated (I wasn’t).
So as the Dr. said kindly to me sitting in her office sobbing, “You’ll just never know, there will never be a reason why.”
It wasn’t that I wanted something to be wrong – it was simply that I wanted an answer for what happened. I just wanted a reason. So the control freak in me could try to fix it. And there is none. So I can’t. My body just goes into preterm labor. With Bella it was the opposite; cervix thinned, I dilated, they eventually had to break my water. So no real comparisons.
And while it’s taken me a couple of days to process this, I have come to terms with some of the finality of all this. They are gone. Forever. There is nothing on earth that can bring them back to me – and I will never know why they were taken. It’s so hard to process this, but in a strange way it did bring me closure, hard as it was to hear in that office.
As morbid as it might sound, that thought has been some kind of comfort to me these past 2 months. I would feel guilty about being happy, not being sad enough, for not grieving “right” – and the thought would hit me, “It doesn’t matter. Nothing can bring them back or change this so happy, sad – it doesn’t matter how you feel.” There was a relief in knowing that I could be happy and it wasn’t going to effect what happened – make it worse or cause it again.
I don’t know if that makes sense.
So now we move forward. As best we can. In a few years, when we have our adopted child home, we may think about trying again once we get settled in a new state (by that time the Army will have moved us) and find a Dr. who can specialize in my situation. My Dr. encouraged me strongly not to make any final decisions with being pregnant (like being done), and just 2 months after this I can honestly say I don’t want to for a while, but I don’t know if I’d never want to try again.
Which brings up whole other issues – but you know what? I don’t have to deal with all that right now.
So there we have it. Nothing was wrong, no one did anything wrong, and they didn’t suffer. It may not be what I was prepared to hear but I think in the long run it might help me heal a little quicker.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers – it was a very, very hard day. But I made it through and we’re trying to move on to the next stage now. Missing them forever while building our family still.
Thankful we have the hope in the heartache.
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption in progress on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances.
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