I saw this quote on one of my friend’s blog and found that it was something maybe all of us need to be reminded of now and again. I feel like I constantly need to be reminded of it as I find myself stuck in the infertility rut of having everything circle around my cycle and feeling too uncertain about everything to make any plans whatsoever.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
We all had a “family plan” right? I think I had one from a very early age. I would get married at 24 after I had already landed a job in the magazine industry in NYC. Then I would have my first baby two years later. It would be a girl that I would name Kylie. After that I would have three more children, I think it would end up being two boys and two girls. I can’t seem to remember the names of the other children but I’m sure it’s written down in a notebook with Mrs. Grossman’s stickers on the front somewhere.
Of course, nobody’s life plan works out as planned. My plan seems to be changing on a daily basis. At the beginning of this year I was still in the optimistic state that we would be pregnant in no time (the fact that I had just started on Clomid boosted my spirits) and that this would certainly be our year since my husband just finished law school and now would be making money. I even stopped cleaning our apartment (that I’ve always hated) temporarily because surely we would make our plans and settle shortly.
Now it’s July. Still not pregnant. Still looking for better employment. Still deciding where we’re going to land. Still staring at the groddy carpet under my feet.
I don’t share this as a way to gain your sympathies. I merely share it because I realize some of you may be in a similar rut. Feeling paralyzed by your infertility prognosis. And you know what? We need to let go of the initial plan and work on enjoying life. I don’t want to look back on our years of infertility and say they were the worst of my life. I want to still find happiness in the little things. I want to enjoy my life without kids. I need to wake up and accept the fact that our children won’t be conceived naturally but they will come. I have hope.
If you have your five-year plan written down somewhere and it’s just making you depressed, throw it out the window. I’m going to stop thinking about the way it should have been and start accepting what it really is turning out to be. Then I’m going to go book some plane tickets to Europe.