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Lindsay Lohan Wants To Get Pregnant And Sober, Order Unclear

Lindsay LohanAlcohol, drugs, DUIs..Lindsay Lohan has become a veritable icon of disorderliness. She’s been to rehab, she’s been to prison.  As yet, none of the various big houses have been able to tame the auburn beast. (Yes, I know she’s blond now, but I can’t let that whole firecrotch thing go.) Now a “friend” reports that the actress/trainwreck has a new idea to help her straighten up and fly right: a baby.

According to this source,  LiLo is aware that she’s having a little self-control problem, and feels that a baby could provide the right kind of 24 hour surveillance she needs to reign in her misdeeds. How could anyone pick up that 8th or 9th vodka in good conscience with those adorable googoo eyes looking up so lovingly? Plus, the baby could keep her company! I’m really not one to make forced sterilization jokes…but maybe a mandatory IUD is in order?

The thing is, there may just be a teeny tiny kernel of truth here. One that could be applied to the rest of us non-famous, non-felonious folk. I thought of Lindsay Lohan only as someone to be pitied, ridiculed and momentarily envied in flattering photo spreads. But now I see that there is a little piece of LiLo in all of us. Well, maybe not all, but some. Okay, maybe not you, but possibly me.

See, once upon a time, I enjoyed a night out. I never had pictures of my private parts plastered on the internet, but then, the internet was young and people didn’t seem to have thought of that yet. My partying was pint-sized compared to Lohan’s, but I was still aware that it was not sustainable in the long term. I remember lamenting to a friend, wondering when I’d mellow out, grow up, get responsible, stop being self destructive, etc, etc. He was super matter-of-fact about it. “You’ll quit when you get pregnant,” he said, entirely assured.

And lo, he was right. When I got married, the burners switched to simmer—we went out together,  but then there were all those nights on the couch watching movies, and the crossword puzzle, and before we knew it we weren’t even so worried about how having a baby would cramp our style, because our style had become somewhat less stylish. But we still had our benders. Until we had our babies.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but it is an absolute truth that babies are just completely incompatible with the party lifestyle. Yes, you can schlep them along and actually attend, but you cannot partake of the party in the manner to which you may have been accustomed in your pre-baby life. It is simply not feasible.

Unless.

You’re an addict, who can’t stop doing it even if you want to. And/or a celebrity who’s enabled by glommers on and supported by a staff and generally not subject to the same rules as the rest of the universe. Any one of these things could be enough to negate the necessity of cleaning up just because you happen to have a baby. But there’s a fundamental problem: you have to want to give it up, or be sound of mind enough to realize that even if you don’t 100% love the idea of giving it up, that there is no other option.  Lindsay Lohan, or perhaps her friend (or perhaps some stranger who sat behind her in a booth at a restaurant, overheard her make a joke about a baby, and called In Touch Magazine with the story)  should not assume that whatever inner torture is driving her to flail around like a maniac is going to disappear just because there’s someone in her life who loves her and needs her. Then she’d just be a maniac with a baby.

So, Lindsay, I suggest you do not pursue this angle of self-improvement. Not just to spare your hypothetical child from your lifestyle and whatever psychological turmoil is causing it. But also to spare the world from the reality TV show this situation would doubtless inspire.

photo: b. charles johnson

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