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Maybe I'll Find Out Why.

By Diana Stone |

Preston and Julian's Memorial Service

This evening is my first postpartum checkup since losing our twin boys at 19.4 weeks.

I am dreading it.

I have to go, I realize that, but oh, how I don’t want to walk in there. With a room full of new babies and pregnant ladies, to the place I used to wait so happily to have my name called. Sam went to every appointment with me so we could see the twins on the ultrasound and hear them on the Doppler.

This time I go just with my daughter, and no babies. I’m supposed to be 27 weeks pregnant and instead I’m 8 weeks postpartum.

I don’t want to go – and yet there is a tiny part of me that does simply to know what happened. Why this took place – why did my water break, why did I spend a week in the hospital without contractions, why did it all happen?

I’m sincerely hoping they’re able to give me some answers that will stop my mind from wandering down the “I must have done something wrong” path all the time. And if not, at least I know they tried to figure it out.

I don’t want to know so we can try this again anytime soon  - because yeah, I’m good if we never do this again. But I want to know because it’s part of my son’s story. Why their lives were cut so short.

I have support for after since Sam can’t go – friends through email and blogging who have sent their numbers for me in case I need to talk, another waiting at her home if I need to go over for a little while. This helps my mindset tremendously.

So I would ask this – readers from here and my own blog – pray and send good thoughts my way this afternoon if you could. As I walk into that office I was in twice a week for so many weeks, as I pass the place where we found out it was twins and my whole life changed, as I sit in the room that brought my babies heartbeats to our ears so Sam and I could grin at each other, as I once again look into the eyes of my amazing Dr who stood over me crying as it all happened and placed my sons on my chest for me to say goodbye to – just keep us in your thoughts.

Maybe today will bring another bit of peace and closure to this part of my life. I really, really hope so.

———————

Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption in progress on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances.

Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter and Facebook.

MORE FROM DIANA:

Would You Change Your Adopted Child’s Name?

Adoption: It’s not a purchase

Adoption and Grief: Mourning a loss while planning for a future

Paper Pregnant: How adoption and pregnancy are similar

More on Babble

About Diana Stone

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Diana Stone

Diana Stone blogs at Diana Wrote about her life with a daughter here and three sons in heaven, life as an army wife, and her faith. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Read bio and latest posts → Read Diana's latest posts →

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0 thoughts on “Maybe I'll Find Out Why.

  1. Anneka says:

    I am praying you find the piece of closure you are seeking.

  2. Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife says:

    As always you’ll be in my thoughts. I hope the appointment reassures you there was nothing you did wrong. You are a great momma to those boys (and to Bella).

  3. Elly says:

    enormous hugs.

  4. Amber says:

    Thinking of you this afternoon.

  5. Melissa says:

    Praying for peace and comfort.

  6. Maggie says:

    Still thinking of you. I’m amazed at your strength! You’re such a wonderful mom to 3 beautiful kids.

  7. Jen Davis says:

    Please know that I admire your courage. You fought so hard, and took a stand against the ignorance of the hospital staff. You deserve answers and I hope you get them. Please try to let go of the guilt. From one Mama to another, I know how easy it is to feel like you should be able to protect your babies and control the process, however, this is not the case. For your family and yourself, forgive yourself even though this is NOT your fault. You must try to forgive yourself, and everything you believe in, because some things never seem to make sense, some things are never justified. I wish you peace, and healing!

  8. komurphy says:

    You are very brave – braver them me. I actually skipped my 8 week postpartum appointment, I couldn’t handle going back into that office. It wasn’t until a year after that I finally gained the courage to go back to my doctors, mostly because I wanted to know what went wrong. Good luck and much strength to you.

  9. Samantha says:

    Your strength is an inspiration to all of us mamas out here reading and thinking of you. I hope that you can find some peace, if not some answers, this afternoon.

  10. Toni Carpenter says:

    Offering prayers, hugs and hope for a heart filled with peace.

  11. katie says:

    Much love, Diana.

  12. sarah says:

    I second that it’s not your fault. These things happen for unknown reasons. I want to say try not to bring too many expectations because the likelyhood is that they’ll tell you they have no idea why this happened. My water also broke early, bedrest for a week. . .no answers. No one knows why. I’m at peace with that, although should I get pregnant again I’ll likely be terrified. Prayers for you. . .

  13. Elizabeth Barone says:

    Keeping you in my heart today (and always).

  14. Andie@multiplemama says:

    I hope so too! You’re in my thoughts often.

  15. Megan says:

    Praying for you to find answers and peace. I was in the hospital with two rounds of preterm labor the same week you lost your twins and followed the heartbreak on your Facebook page. I am fortunate – I’m now 27 weeks, but now battling another round of new gut-wrenching complications. I’m so very sorry for your loss and so very sorry for the heartbreak and struggle that has followed.

  16. Laura says:

    Thinking of you <3

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