This evening is my first postpartum checkup since losing our twin boys at 19.4 weeks.
I am dreading it.
I have to go, I realize that, but oh, how I don’t want to walk in there. With a room full of new babies and pregnant ladies, to the place I used to wait so happily to have my name called. Sam went to every appointment with me so we could see the twins on the ultrasound and hear them on the Doppler.
This time I go just with my daughter, and no babies. I’m supposed to be 27 weeks pregnant and instead I’m 8 weeks postpartum.
I don’t want to go – and yet there is a tiny part of me that does simply to know what happened. Why this took place – why did my water break, why did I spend a week in the hospital without contractions, why did it all happen?
I’m sincerely hoping they’re able to give me some answers that will stop my mind from wandering down the “I must have done something wrong” path all the time. And if not, at least I know they tried to figure it out.
I don’t want to know so we can try this again anytime soon - because yeah, I’m good if we never do this again. But I want to know because it’s part of my son’s story. Why their lives were cut so short.
I have support for after since Sam can’t go – friends through email and blogging who have sent their numbers for me in case I need to talk, another waiting at her home if I need to go over for a little while. This helps my mindset tremendously.
So I would ask this – readers from here and my own blog – pray and send good thoughts my way this afternoon if you could. As I walk into that office I was in twice a week for so many weeks, as I pass the place where we found out it was twins and my whole life changed, as I sit in the room that brought my babies heartbeats to our ears so Sam and I could grin at each other, as I once again look into the eyes of my amazing Dr who stood over me crying as it all happened and placed my sons on my chest for me to say goodbye to – just keep us in your thoughts.
Maybe today will bring another bit of peace and closure to this part of my life. I really, really hope so.
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption in progress on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances.
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