Well, it happened. I got my period. Five weeks to the day after my 2nd-trimester twin pregnancy loss, good ol’ Aunt Flow arrived.
As you may know, I’ve been wondering when it would return. I’ve been so eager for my body to reclaim itself, to know that — after such a betrayal — my body could still function as it should. I trusted my doctors’ advice when they told me to wait until I cycled through a period before trying again to conceive. They said my period would return anywhere from four weeks to eight weeks after the loss, and I committed to waiting out the full eight weeks — if need be — before jumping back into the baby-making journey.
I hoped it wouldn’t be the full eight weeks. I hoped I wouldn’t have to wait that long before we could try again. I think the universe respects my impatience, because it kindly allowed my period to return at a reasonable five weeks.
But now that it’s here, am I really ready to embark again on this journey? You bet I am.
There’s no doubt that losing my twins at 17-weeks pregnant was the single-worst experience of my life. But I have to trust God and the Universe, and I have to believe that — as cliche as it sounds — everything truly does happen for a reason. After my miscarriage, so many people contacted me with similar stories. So many of them continued on to have healthy and successful pregnancies. And so many of them said that, had they not miscarried, they wouldn’t now have the beautiful child they’ve since had.
That’s the thought that gets me through and gives me the faith that everything will be okay: The baby whose mother I’m intended to be, will come to me. And I’m encouraged to move forward so that I may one day meet the sweet, sweet baby that’s meant to be mine. Yes, it’s heartbreaking, devastating, that my twins aren’t the babies of whom I speak. But they were made for bigger things. They were made for another world.
From here, there will be quite a few steps for me to get pregnant again. But I’m ready for it. My body has healed. And my soul has found comfort from all the love, support, prayers, and good wishes we have received.
Numerous women have told me that a sense of guilt holds them back from trying to conceive again after a miscarriage. Guilt over the thought that perhaps something they did caused the loss. Guilt that trying again would mean they’ve stopped mourning the baby they lost, that they’ve forgotten about it. But these stories — stories of losses that so many of us share — belong only to the woman who’s lost. While we all may be part of the shared experience of losing our pregnancy, none of us go though it or move through it the same way as another does.
Each story is unique. Each story is its own.
There is no right or wrong way to handle a miscarriage.
And one of the worst things any of us can do to ourselves is compare our story to another’s. Share our stories, yes. Compare them, no.
While I know that I’m ready to move forward, that my period has returned for a reason, that my heart has regained strength, God and the Universe may still tell me: No, not yet.
And I will trust that. If this period leads to another period instead of another pregnancy, I will trust that. So much — too much — is out of my control. All I can do is trust.
Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right.