I am in the home stretch of my third pregnancy and I recently had an epiphany I’d like to share with you. Ready? I realized that all these wonderful hormones that are coursing through my body and supporting this new life in my womb are actually making me act legitimately crazy. I’m officially willing to admit that Pregnant Claire is not the same woman as Normal Claire.
I know, I know…you’re thinking, Claire, shouldn’t you have realized this years ago when you were pregnant with your first? The answer is, SHUT UP, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CRITICAL?! Oh, sorry about that…it’s the hormones again. The real answer is that when you are living in the middle of the crazy, it just doesn’t feel weird to you. You are *certain* that you are being calm and rational when really you are the opposite of that.
So for your entertainment, here is a list of ways my pregnancy hormones have been a bunch of liars recently.
They Really Are. 1 of 10
I'm just a little bit crazy right now...
You need that ice cream NOW. 2 of 10
That's a lie. Claire, the truth is you are craving something sweet and your hormones have convinced you that ice cream is the only thing you want, but really if you ate an apple or some strawberries you'd probably feel just as satisfied. No. That's wrong. I must have ice cream NOW!
You Have to FREAK OUT About Preparing for the Baby 3 of 10
The crib sheets aren't washed! The board books aren't alphabetized! The stove is dirty! Um, that is cray-cray. The baby can sleep in a dresser drawer if he has to and I'm pretty sure he won't care if the stove has grease on it.
You are an unattractive beast. 4 of 10
Today I feel gigantic, swollen, and just plain unattractive. And I cried a lot because the hormones made me sad that my butt has gotten so big my undies don't fit anymore. OK, I know I'm actually not that unattractive but the hormones make me feel awful sometimes.
You can totally lift that box of books. 5 of 10
This past weekend we moved out of our house and my hormones made me all high-energy. I was so pumped up I felt like superwoman! But those hormones were liars once again and I really almost hurt myself trying to lift boxes when no one was around. Dumb and dangerous.
My Husband is a Stupid Poophead 6 of 10
I maybe have thought this about my husband a few times during my pregnancies...except substitute those words for expletives and you'll get the idea. And yes, a few times maybe he was a poophead but for the most part I've just been getting irrationally angry at him for things like letting the kitchen trash get too full. Sorry, honey.
The World is So Screwed Up 7 of 10
I'm correct that the world is the most messed up that it has ever been in history. Other people have historically thought that too but they were all wrong because now is definitely the worst. We are all going to DIE TOMORROW. Uuuuuh, wait. Is that right?
I’m Right About Everything. FOREVER. 8 of 10
My anger is both appropriate and proportional to the situation. I'm not over-reacting. Not at all. And I am obviously correct about everything and everyone else is losing their shizz, NOT me.
I’m NOT Overreacting 9 of 10
It's OK to cry about that because it's actually really, really sad when someone gets kicked off The Voice.
You are Going to Be a Bad Mom 10 of 10
You know what's fun? Crying over parenting mistakes I haven't even made yet. The hormones are damn liars!
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