Personal Essay: Absentee Grandparents
They say theyre excited. So where are they?
I cannot believe I am having this conversation again. It’s my mother, calling to say that she will be postponing her visit to see her grandson for the fourth time.
“I very much wanted to come but I have to go to a conference in Heidelberg,” she said in her accented English. “I won’t have any money afterwards so I’ll plan to come in a few months instead. And how is your baby?”
You mean your grandson, I think. “He’s doing great. He’s crawling everywhere now and yesterday he pulled a cookbook off the bookshelf. He: ”
“Oh, that reminds me of something that Tsetse did,” she breaks in excitedly. And she’s off on a story about one of her cats.
At this point she hasn’t met her grandson yet and he’s nine months old. Rafael’s got two tiny front teeth, which gleam when he grins. Before bed he crawls over to the desk chair in his footie pajamas and laughs with delight as he grips the rungs and stands. He tracks our cat Lola through the house, cackling as he follows her determined retreat only to be distracted by, oh . . . a New Yorker. Perfect for chewing and tearing.
What’s not for a grandparent to love?
Yet my mother is not interested. She wasn’t interested during the early days of the pregnancy, when I curled up in bed, elated by the precious life I was carrying and also awash in worry; longing for a mother of my own to reassure me. She wasn’t interested in the first ultrasound, the first kick, or the induction that led to thirty hours of labor and a C-section. After my husband and I called from the hospital, she did send flowers, which was very sweet. Then I didn’t hear from her again until I called her a few weeks later.
I thought I’d made some peace with my mother, by which I mean that I’ve learned to temper my expectations. But becoming a parent myself means having to ask for something: for her to be a grandparent. So far, she’s made it clear that she’s unable to do this. And I evidently have not reached the zen state that I hope to someday achieve. The truth is, I want more for my son.
My husband and I cope with the disappointment by laughing at the can-you-believe-it stories. Like the Christmas gift she sent her grandson – the only gift she’s ever given him – which was built up with major anticipation. “I’m waiting until Christmas to give Rafael something really special,” she stated on more than one occasion. When the gift turned out to be a cloth book about a cartoon tiger, she emphasized that she chose it for zoological accuracy. “The orange means that it’s a Bengali tiger, not a Siberian tiger.”
At first my father seemed like he would be the same as my mother. I didn’t hear much from him during the pregnancy, and he also was not interested in all the major milestones as the baby developed. In the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy, though, he began calling constantly to find out if I’d given birth. Each time I would patiently explain that I would call him and let him know. He visited us in the hospital, and although I could barely get out of bed, and looked like the Michelin Man after the prolonged labor and drugs, he didn’t ask how I was doing – instead saying, “I thought about getting you flowers, but you know, maybe next time.”
My father is a painfully awkward man who often dwells on the family he cut off in India and is no longer in contact with, and his own failed marriage. After Rafael’s birth, he became intensely interested in his grandson – perhaps seeing him as a new start. And yet, being my father, he was unable to relate to the baby as a brand-new life with his own needs.
My dad came to our place in Cambridge to visit a couple of days after we brought Rafael home. I was trying to breastfeed when he arrived a half-hour early. He rang the doorbell over and over for about five minutes straight until my husband had changed out of his pajamas and gone downstairs. When my father came upstairs, he wanted to hold his grandson, and then was disappointed that the little guy fell asleep. “He won’t play?” he asked.
“No, he’s just a week old,” I explained, thinking, Is this for real? I mean, he’s had children of his own!
My father then settled onto the sofa like a bronze statue and waited. And waited. And waited. Around him, my husband and I did dishes, cleaned up, tried to make chit-chat. My father? Not a chit-chatter. It was a beautiful July day. Birds trilled by the windows, the sun slipped in through the skylights, outside we could hear the leaves rustle and then . . .
“Wahhhhhhaaaaahhhh” came the littlest, newest voice in the house. Before he left, my dad wanted to hold Rafael one more time.
Why is he still crying?” my father asked.“Why is he still crying?” my father asked.
“That’s how he communicates,” we explained.
“Don’t be a crybaby,” my father said to him.
“He’s not a crybaby!” I said fiercely. “He’s a baby who is crying.”
A short while later my father was gone and two weeks later we were gone too, moving 3,000 miles across the country to Los Angeles. The sun: one hundred times hotter, the weather: infinitely warmer, the city: refreshingly grandparent-free.
I have to admit that I have considered cutting my parents off completely, which is perhaps a cowardly way out of dealing with their difficulties. But I could never do that to my son. I’ve never met any of my father’s large family – aunts, uncles, and cousins are unknown and his parents are now gone. I don’t want my son to think that it’s possible to walk away from family. What I’ve realized since assuming the amazing responsibility of being a parent is that Rafael should have the freedom to define his relationships with his grandparents, and not have me define them for him.
My husband and I know that we’ll provide a loving, nurturing family for our son to grow and thrive in. We know that we won’t criticize my parents in front of him – instead, we’ll try to focus on their strengths. Grandpa knows a lot about current events; Grandma is a talented artist. My son could have a very different relationship with them as a child, a teenager, and a young man than he does now. My responsibility in this case is not to limit him in an effort to protect him from being disappointed, but to give him the opportunity to experience what good they have to offer and to understand the many complex ways that people choose to live and love.
We always hear about the doting, involved grandparents, so it’s very hard not to take it personally when your parents (or your partner’s parents) show so little interest. It’s understandable and normal to be hurt, because it feels like they’re rejecting (i.e. hurting) your innocent, sweet, helpless child, which definitely brings out the momma bear instinct. Some people just aren’t programmed to be that way, though. My nephew’s grandparents (my sister’s ex-husband’s parents) live in the same town as my sister and nephews, and they never go visit and never make any sort of effort to see the grandkids or to find out about them. They’re just not warm people, and my sister’s had to work really hard to not view it as a rejection of her kids, but as a reflection of the grandparents’ personalities.Just as “parenting” entails a heck of a lot more than making a child, “grandparenting” entails a lot more than being the parent of someone who made a child. Some people just aren’t “grandparents” except in the strict biological sense. I’m sure that your child will still be surrounded by lots of love from you and from many others, though — focus on that.
My mother-in-law is somewhat like the grandmother in this story. She has little to no patience with small children and infants and has, so far, expressed very little interest in my pregnancy (aside from making a few snide comments about how ‘large’ I am). Sure this is her third grandchild and while I don’t expect her to have the same enthusiasm for the third as she did for the first, it does strike a huge contrast against my own mother who has, from day 1, called to ask how I am doing and purchased a steady stream of clothing and blankets for her grandchild including pulling out her own moth balled box of kept baby clothes from my infancy so that I could pick and choose what I’d like to have.
I simply hope that with time she will make the effort to establish a relationship with her grandchild. I myself have a very strained relationship with my paternal grandmother since it was very obvious from the start that she was disinterested in me completely. Even young children understand when they get the brush off and it’s hard to reconcile that when the grandparent suddenly wants to spend time with you when you’ve reached an age they consider appropriate for interaction.
I wish there was an exchange set-up – like, for older people who want to be involved with little ones but don’t have them, they could offer to do grandparent things with families whose legal grandparents are opting out. It might not solve the hurt, but it would be a great way for multigenerational involvement and great for the grandparent stand-ins!
It’s hard for me to imagine how hurtful this must feel – but I am impressed by the author’s response to the situation. Thank you for sharing!
I admire the author’s strength. I surely would have cut such parents off. My maternal grandparents died when I was young. That I have never been close to the paternal ones I attribute to their having 66 grandchildren. I am grateful that my daughters are close to all four of their grandparents.
I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I’m almost jealous of my kids because they have a “mommy” and I never did, just a barely interested/involved “mother.” Who is now a barely interested grandmother. Grandparents are entitled to their own lives, but it really brings up old hurts from childhood to have them ignore their grandchildren the way they did their children.It’s nice to read stories like this that counter the prevailing myth that parents/grandparents are all involved, helpful, interested, etc.
Thank you so, so much for writing this. My husband’s parents have refused to meet our 1-year-old son (they have met his sister a couple times, but only when we have made the schlep out to their town–something we are loathe to do with two kids in tow). It is so painful both to me and my husband that his parents are so difficult. Even worse? His mother guilts him constantly by crying everytime they talk, “oh I wish I could hold him, blah, blah.” It makes me just irate. BTW, they live in the Midwest (we are on the East Coast), so there is no geographical excuse, just an extreme fear/biased one.
I am so glad to know I am not alone and I try to feel better by focusing on how lucky my kids are to have my parents and a host of aunties, uncles and parents who adore them.
Ifeelyou – those sound just like my in-laws! They make no effort to see their only grandchild, and won’t change their schedule in the slightest when we try to see them. However, my MIL is constantly complaining to everyone she knows that she never gets to see our son. I think some people love for others to feel sorry for them, and now she has found the perfect situation.This is especially hard on my husband, but I think he is finally understanding that this is just the way they are, and that not every grandparent is affectionate.
Please do your son a favor and look up these terms: “Malignant Narcissist” and “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. You are correct in that your son needs to define his relationships with extended family on his own terms, but you also need to protect your son from hurtful behavior that he will not understand. People who put their own needs ahead of others are capable of being very cruel. An adult realizes this is not their fault but a child will internalize the abuse. A very helpful book I found is called “Children of the Self-Absorbed” by Nina W. Brown.
I can also contribute to the tales of the distant in-laws. Husband’s mom loves the idea of being a grandparent, but apparently only the part where she gets to talk about it to her friends (and complain that there’s only one!) and buy stuff with “Grandma’s girl” on it (enough already!). She doesn’t do the physical stuff–holding babies, changing diapers, or flying out to visit–although she’s pretty fast with the directions/corrections for anyone who is more hands-on. I’m ok with not changing diapers or holding her granddaughter, but then she shouldn’t be surprised that we don’t leave our daughter with her as she requests. Grampa is awesome, but he’s always being corrected on how to interact with our daughter by Gramma, which annoys my husband to no end (yes, my husband tells her to stop). They’ve visited once in 2.5 years, so the only way our daughter sees her grandparents is if we make the flight to them. Since my mom has visited often (and is on a tighter budget than the other grandparents) and loves to be hands-on with her granddaughter, I have a hard time understanding my mother-in-law’s distant interest. I try to focus on the fact that she has her own way of loving, and I’m grateful for what she does…but I do let the little petty things bother me.
I think it’s great that you are realizing that your child’s relationship with his grandparents may eventually be based on who they are, not on who you might wish they could be. An artist or a man passionate about politics may not make great doting grandparents, but it doesn’t mean that a relationship with them is entirely without worth. My own parents are warm cuddly types and will be great with small children…but they, too, have flaws. They are terrible with money, always late, and incredibly disorganized. Instead of wishing they are different, I simply appreciate their good qualities. The in-laws too, have much to give. They are not warm and cuddly, and while this is difficult for me personally to relate to, I realize that they are not bad people and have much to offer.
Good luck with your parents.
I really enjoyed this article! My Mom is completely uninterested in my pregnancy- no phone calls, not interested in doctor’s appointments or kicking, really not much of anything. It definetly hurt my feelings but you can’t control how other (crazy) people act. Maybe she will be more interested when he is out. We’ll see.
Amina,
Aside from being an original take on a rarely discussed topic, this essay was very well written. LOVED it! Kudos!
We signed up for parenthood. Our parents did not sign up for grandparenthood. It’s a reminder that we should be grateful for what they gave us, and then remember that parenting our own children was our decision. Maybe they are tired of kid stuff. Maybe they want their lives back. We are not the center of their worlds once we are adults.
Calling your mother crazy for her lack of interest isn’t fair to her (unless she really is crazy, which is entirely possible!). She’s got her own life.
I think this generation looks forward to too much attention and adulation when we get pregnant. While it’s awesome, it’s not a miracle. Babies are made every day. It’s not really as big a deal to everyone else as it is to you. We should get on with living and stop being disappointed in others.
I am truly sorry that this situation is not shaping up like you expected. It does suck, and sucks hard. It is disappointing and it hurts. Yes it does. That being said, it may not be too late for your son to have the kind of grandparents that you had in mind, they may just not be the way you envisioned.One of the other commenters mentioned that it would be nice if there was an exchange, so that people who want to interact with kids could get matched up with people like yourselves. There are such programs. Foster Grandparents, part of the Senior Corps, operates nationwide. CALL them. do not delay. Whatever your parents’ issues may be, they are who they are and they probably really do love you, just not the way you want or need to be loved. Life it like that sometimes, but you may be able to arrange for your son to have what he does so need. and I really really do think that every child needs a grandparent, even if he/she is not really related. because it’s about the love.Good Luck!
“We signed up for parenthood. Our parents did not sign up for grandparenthood.”
This is a confusing statement to me and perhaps you can explain a little further what you mean. By ‘signing up’ for parenthood, we do in fact sign up to the eventuality that our children will, in turn, decide to become parents at some point in the future and therefore make us grandparents. So unless you force your kids to sign a contract making sure that they never have children of their own you can only avoid ‘signing up to grandparenthood’ by simply not having children of your own in the first place.
I say consider yourself lucky you don’t have an overbearing, in-you-face mother who’s telling you how to parent or smothering your child (or you for that matter).I know, too, that we all long for that nurturing mother-daughter relationship, but the reality is that most of us do not (or ever will) have it. I’ve learned to depend and deeply care for myself rather than wishing my mom will do it for me. I think this is a valuable lesson to teach our children rather than looking outside to someone who is obviously unavailable. That doesn’t mean they won’t have a meaningful relationship–it may just be different than you expected or imagined.
Are you kidding me? Not only do your parents still have you under their narcissistic thumbs – with you wondering what you can do to entice them to show interest in your CHILD – but now you’re going to insist that your child grow up longing for the love and affection that these people are clearly unable to give? Do yourself a favor. Read Nina Brown’s Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents, and cut yourself free from the terrible bonds. You owe it to your son – and yourself! He won’t miss having grandparents that will only give him a complex later in life, and you – well, you’ll enjoy being free from your awful parents, metaphorically speaking.
I thank the author for writing this piece because I think this is more common than we think. Once upon a time, people did not have the same number of choices in life – many people became parents because that is what they thought they were supposed to do, not because they wanted to. Contrary to popular belief, I do not believe that we all have to have maternal or paternal instincts or gushing gagas over little piles of plasma – the promise of new life notwithstanding. I understand that when it is YOUR new life or pulsating gob of plasma that it can be interpreted as hurtful and personal that your family members are not reacting in the way in which you would like – but that’s life. What I do not understand is that the author knows her mother and father intimately – is this really a big surprise? I think not, but the heart springs eternal in hoping that the people we know the best, and who we ardently wish would come through for us at least once in our lives, will continue to be who they are – a continual disappointment to us. Coming from a big family where we were in one of two groups – the Chosen Ones or the Big Disappointments – I have come to the conclusion that people are just going to be who they are. You can keep trying to make things different for yourself, but you will never change people. You either let them be who they are and stop expecting anything else or distance yourself. It is not easy, but like someone said, you can’t choose your family. Just do whatever brings you peace.
Hi Snakecharmer… I am saying that nothing obligates your parents to be involved grandparents. Not in this culture. It would be unwise for someone planning to have a child to overestimate the help and support they will get from their family. And while its true that anyone who has a child can assume its likely their own children will someday have kids, not all people start having babies of their own to end up being grandparents. A lot of parents want to be relieved of kid duty once the hard work of raising their own children is over. I dont think this makes them irresponsible or cold.
Whoa Whoa Whoa, no one can diagnosis NPD from the brief description that the author provided. While it may be true that at the present the grandmother is showing no interest, and the grandfather has unreasonable expectations, that doesn’t mean this will always be. Everyone has an AGE and STAGE they find most suitable to their personality (even people with NPD), so I believe that grandma will at some point find her grandson endearing. Just maybe not right now.
This one hit home with me. My MIL has wanted to be a grandparent FOREVER (starting asking about it when DH and I had been together for 6 months – she had to wait 5 years). But, where the heck is she? She is – supposedly – retired, and until we both moved was about 2 hours away; now we’re an hour apart. She calls all the time and says she can’t wait to see our son again, but we’re lucky if she sees him once a month (much less lately), and those visits are very brief. Fortunately she seems to have stopped making the “I don’t see him enough” comment, because I was at the point where I was going to have to tell her that she was not allowed to say that anymore in my presence. The only one stopping her from seeing her grandson is her.
She talks a good game, but he is not a priority to her at all. We can’t count on her to help us out with looking after him, even though she claims she wants to. This behaviour has strained my relationship with her, with me now feeling a deep-seeded resentment towards her and the fact that she doesn’t appreciate the relationship she could have – and claims she wants to have – with her grandson. My husband and I were both raised by our mothers with no father in the picture and my Mom died when I was 24. Neither of us has any siblings, so she is all he’s got for direct extended family. My Mom would have been an AWESOME grandmother and a huge part of all of our lives. It actually makes me angry that my MIL is totally passing on the opportunity to have that when my Mom never got the chance. I’m quite certian she’ll regret it someday.
HolgaShmolga – I can’t speak for anyone else, but the part that really bothers me about my in-laws is that they go around complaining to everyone they know (except directly to us) that they hardly get to see their grandson, but then won’t inconvenience themselves in the least to see him. We are not asking for a lot, we will bring him over there. They don’t even have to do anything, like hold him or take care of him. They always seem to have something to do. The last time we wanted to spend some time with them they said they were planning on going to their local bar to see if they would run into anyone, and since they don’t let babies there, well I guess we can’t see you.If they would be less hypocritical, I know I could get over it. (My husband would still be hurt, but he would eventually get over it too.) From reading the comments, this seems to be happening to some other people too. I know for my MIL that she loves people feeling sorry for her. But I also wonder if they don’t feel pressure from others to look like the loving grandparents. When people ask “how is your grandchild”, they may be uncomfortable saying that they are too busy to see him. In any case I appreciate this article. It lets us know that not all grandparents fit the mold that is expected.
Hi HolgaShmolga,
Ahh…okay I understand what you mean now..it’s just that you left out the word “involved” in your first post which really qualifies the statement. I think the same can easily be said about the grandchildren as well. If they have ‘uninvolved grandparents’ then it’s highly likely that they will be ‘uninvolved grandchildren’ and feel no obligation in return. It can be a hard journey for those grandchildren to make (especially if they have friends with involved grandparents) but that is generally the balance that is made in the grandparent/grandchild relationship. It’s a little sad to say, but with my own uninvolved grandmother I know that the day she passes on will not make a huge dent in my world. Sure I’ll go to the funeral (out of family duty) but I can’t say that I will genuinely mourn her at all. I find it shocking to myself that I know I will react this way but it’s the nature of the relationship that she set.
motheryourself: any tips? it’s not easy to care for yourself when you’re a mom.
The grandparents in the article seem to have a serious lack of social skills, almost Asperger’s-like behavior. I think the author is correct in not cutting them off, because their inability to connect with daughter and grandchild in a meaningful way could be something out of their control, and instead of expecting them to figure out how to act appropriately by themselves (they won’t), she should have a serious conversation (or write them a letter) bringing up those issues.
I grew up having a grandmother who would have preferred not having grandchildren (at the very least because it made her look old). She similarly didn’t really take on a typical role, never knew our birthdays or even how to spell our names. She has always made for great “can you believe…” stories though.
I think your choice to not criticize your parents in front of your son is a good one. My parents openly complained about my grandmother to me and told me inappropriate stories about her exploits. It really ended up limiting my relationship with my grandmother even further. I hope your son will be able to enjoy some sort of relationship with his grandparents despite their faults.
Best of luck.
I was adopted within our family as a toddler. I was adopted by an uncle and aunt, so my biological parents became my uncle and aunt. I was raised to always think I had 4 parents, and we spent all holidays together. My older brother stayed with my biological parents. I always accepted this situation as normal, and I rarely harbored any resentment until I had my own children. Now, when my biological parents come to town and spend no time with us (spending all of their time with my brother’s children), I feel profoundly hurt. The very idea of my children’s grandparents not wanting to spend time with them makes me furious. I think we are all so protective of our children, and so sensitive to the possibility of their hurt feelings. I never thought I would do this, but I have made the decision not to tell my kids that my bio parents are their grandparents at all. I don’t want their feelings hurt when they wonder why their grandparents will not spend time with them, but will spend time with their cousins.
This must be really hard. I feel so sorry for these grandparents and these kids for missing out on such a special relationship. Perhaps it might get better someday. My Nana was uncomfortable with us as small children and we didn’t see her all that much. As we got older we continued to make an effort (because it is hard not to love a grandma) and as her dementia grew she came to love us and value our visits where we took care of her. She told us each we were her favorite granddaughter (and I have no doubt for that moment, before her brain reset, we were).
I am blessed to have 2 great sets of grandparents for my child, and that my own parents are far better and more patient grandparents than they ever were parents.
This is somewhat similar to my case, and I am hoping that by posting this I could not only get it off my chest but maybe some advice from others would definitely help. My mother-in-law lives 5 minutes away from our home and NEVER wants to come by to see our baby girl. She always has some lame excuse like, oh it’s too hot outside, my knee hurts, I have to go play Bingo, its too dark outside, etc. She wont even call at least. Never ever took interest in my pregnancy, never even cared to call just to ask how I or the baby was. This is extremely hurtful to me, not only is this our first child, but I feel like my baby is worth nothing to her. And to make things worse, she has a 6 year old grand daughter from her other son, and since day one she has lived and breathed for this child. She is at their house every day and does every thing for her. Not to mention she cooks, cleans, and washes their clothes. The few times that she has seen my baby girl, my baby start to cry histerically. I told her it was because she doesn’t know you and hardly sees you, she says its because she is a brat and being raised and a cry baby, yet my baby doesn’t cry with anyone else, not even strangers. WEIRD! Also she has this bad habit of always comparing her to her other grand daughter. God, this just pisses me off, I have never told her anything cause I did not want my husband to feel bad, although he knows how I feel and he agrees with me 100%. He tells me that he knows she is playing favorites but he is not going to let it bother him anymore. What do I do? I always play it polite and smile, when inside I really want to grab her by the neck. What would you do?
I empathize with the the whole problem of having less than stellar grandparents for your kids.
My mother-in-law is an awful grandma. When she found out that I was carrying a boy she cried and they weren’t tears of joy either because she wanted me to have a girl that she could dress up in fancy outfits and teach how to sing and dance to traditional Indian music. Basically she wanted a human doll for a grandchild.
She stays with us for months and our son hates her basically because she makes no effort to try to relate to him on his terms (he’s only 2). When she comes in the room he often yells “no (her name)grandma!!” I feel bad for her but it’s a direct result of the way she acts towards her and us.
I am with Laure68 and others here. I don’t expect my parents to be doting grandparents if they don’t want to be, but enough with the guilt that I do’t do enough to bring them closer together! They are retired and I’m working full time, but I’m the one who has to schlep two kids three and a half hours (longer if I have to nurse the baby) in order to foster some quality time? Yet all I ever hear from them is, “I wish we saw you and the kids more often!” That highway wasn’t one-way, last time I checked. But no, they’re too busy with the Elks, or golfing, or maybe it’s too hard to get the dogs boarded, or they’re off to visit my stepmom’s grandkids. They get all hurt when my 2 year old is shy around them, and I want to tell them it’s because they aren’t around more often.
My in-laws are awesome, though, which helps. We have seen them more times this year than my parents in the last two years combined, when my in-laws live halfway across the country.
This issue has caused a huge rift between my dad and me. We have had the worst fights of my life over this, and I’m really trying hard to get to the place the author is working toward, zen that they are who they are and I just have to accept that. It’s so hard though- I feel affronted on my kids’ behalf.
My mother and father are absentee as well. I used to get upset about it but I realized I was spending time and energy being angry at them when they were spending zero time and energy on my daughter. So, I’ve written them off and don’t feel bad about recently moving 2000 miles away. When I lived 20 miles away they made no effort, didn’t call, nothing. My father has seen my 2.5 yo only once. My mother – probably about six times, all holidays when she was forced to see her.
Now my inlaws are another story. Super doting, very active in her life, immediately came and visited when we moved away, want to buy our tickets to visit them more, learned how to Skype, call and email often — anything they can do to see more of their granddaughter and remain very active in her life. My daughter is so lucky to have them and I constantly tell them how much I appreciate them. They refuse to believe that my parents are as absentee as they are – they cannot fathom why they wouldn’t want to have that relationship with their granddaughter. People are very different and you can’t change who they are, especially when they’re older. I gave up.
This is a story that hits so close to home. I cut off my dad about a year ago because he has seen his grandchild (who is now 3) only once. He was an absentee dad to me and I told him when my son was first born that I could forgive him for his abscence throughout the times when my sister and I need him most if he could TRY to be a grandparent to his grandson. I didn’t ask a lot but to call once in a while, maybe visit once, POSSIBLY twice a year. But a lack of effort on his part has caused be to cut the cord.
My son is surrounded with people that love him so much and will probably never know of my father. I’m not dissapointed because in the end, it’s my dad who is missing out.
Both my sister and my mother were dissapointed in me for cutting off ties and lamented time and time again that you can cut friends, but you can’t cut family- they’re blood. Well blood should take care of blood, and in my dads case, he isn’t taking care of shit. Therefor, cut.
Thank you for this article. I thought I was the only woman in the world whose mother did not call her for weeks after the birth of my first (and long-awaited) child. I was positively heartbroken. Having your own life … being busy … yes. Not picking up the phone for weeks after the birth to see how we were? Unforgiveable.
Yet I forgave. And I am hoping (as you do with your son) that my son will have a different relationship with my mother than I have, and that there will be some good there for him in his life. I don’t believe in cutting off (except for outright abuse or danger of it). You’re doing good. Thanks for making me feel so much less alone!!
A good therapist once set me straight: Yes, adult relationships are a two way street. But when the relationship consists of one adult and one child, the burden of responsibility is on the adult to foster the relationship. They’re the ADULT. If you have a member of your family that ‘expects’ your child to show respect, appreciate them, adore them, etc., etc., then they need to hold up their end of the bargain and be there, or demonstrate empathy, or something. Period. End of story.
I just wanted to thank you for writing this. I have felt so much pain through the years over my own parents absenteeism – it was nice to read that someone else has gone through the same thing. You inspired me to post a bit of my own story on my blog. Many thanks!
So reassuring to see these comments here, in a way. My in-laws live two hours away and have pretty much nothing to do with my daughter. They rarely visit and when we visit them they don’t interact with her at all. At first I thought it was just that they may not like babies or know how to relate to them, but then my sister in law had a baby this winter and they are all over that child all the time. The biggest difference is that the new baby is a boy and I think that’s what it comes down to with them, unfortunately.
With so many comments about this, all supportive (rather than the usual nipping that can ensue), I’m wondering if there should be an off shoot of this on Babble. I don’t know too much about the Babble boards, but could there be an extension of this into another forum? I envision a place that could be more of a dialogue, or a place to write a letter to your non supportive family member. Writing the letter can then be a way to vent, but also to gain perspective.
I can relate as well. As my Mom who was living in the same state didn’t appear to be available as much as I would have liked. She was very busy. Now however, since she moved to Florida, she seem to miss the 2 grandchildren more.
……..but who has money to travel frequently??
Granty
MomsLikeMe.com NYC
Okay, so your relationship with them was shaky in the first place??? SO why are you upset?
Someone said something about YOU signed up to have a baby. I agree.
When I was pregnant with each one of my kids (I have 6) I never expected anyone to fawn over them, or to be “involved”. I still don’t.
I was married young, and had my oldest, Mesa-13. I didn’t expect my other nor father to care. My mother called to ask what hospital was I at (everyone had notice of where I was registered) and it was like a freaking week and a half later. I had the baby, and was getting ready to go on a business trip…with the baby. I wasn’t upset.
I don’t recall her sending Mesa a Christmas gift that year….her 1st birthday neither. She called. She wanted to know how Megan was doing. Didn’t get mad. Mind you my mother lived fairly close at the time. Like 15 minutes away.
When I was living in Europe and the other kids came along, she didn’t call. I didn’t miss her call. She vacations in Europe during the time I had Daniella-8, Penelope-7, and Theresa-6.
Pretty much every milestone, my mother wasn’t there.
Baby born? Not there. Christening? Not there. First communion? Not there. I didn’t get mad.
Why should I? I was never her beloved child. Yeah, it’s messed up, but what am I gonna do about it? Why would I expect her to love my kids more than she ever showed love to myself and my siblings?
All I can do is love my kids. Not dwell on the past.
These days, she gets mad if the kids spend more time with my mother-in-law (who lives in the UK) than they do with her (we’re back in The States, and about 30-45 mins away from my parents).
She only shows interest because she’s competitive. Her friends have cute grand kids, and she wants to be proud too.
My kids are pretty tough, so I let them spend the day with Grand Mammy (I don’t care if it’s evil to tell you kids to call their grandmother that. I love watching her cringe. pure comedy).
You know what? She actually likes taking them on short outings. Since Mesa is older, she can take her shopping.
She asked Penelope-7 one time if she HAD to hold her hand when they went out. Sounds jacked up to say to a kid, right? Penelope goes, “Not unless you need help crossing the street…”.
My mother replied, “You’re mouthy…just like your mother” and smiled.
I don’t remember my mother ever smiling at me. This should’ve been a moment to be jealous, but I was happy.
My mother is still a half-a*s grandma. She misses birthdays. and calls my husband by the wrong name…or ask if I divorced him yet, when he’s in the room. Or she’ll tell me about some other single guy as if I’m available.
My only son, Denim-4, is hardly ever called by his right name. And she’s impartial to him.
All this is to say that your kids need you as their mother to love them. and maybe I’m jaded, but I don’t get uneasy when their fathers aren’t acting right. (my first husband isn’t loving towards Mesa at all. and he and his new wife had a pregnancy announcement in the paper that said, “this is the first child for both”). So I’m very much a, “I don’t need no one to love my kids but me!” attitude. and of course they have love aside from me. But I don’t expect anyone to love them nearly as much as a mother could love her child.
Baby boomer grandparents kind of stink! I have to admit that my son has made my relationship with my mother easier (she is finally interested in me, somewhat), but I have to do all of the work to keep the grandmother/grandson relationship up. My son’s father was practically raised by one of his grandmothers and can talk to her about anything. I always wanted that. I had the grandma who was more interested in telling me how I was ruining my mother’s life. I want my son to have a better relationship with his grandma. He has 3 grandma’s; one is great with mailing cards, one cannot be bothered to ever see him and then there is my mother. I have to call, set up dates, drive him to see her. He adores her and she is very good to him, but I have to do all the leg work and I better not dare ask her to ever just watch him (she’s usally too busy washing carpets or supporting some volunteer project). I am not only saying, I will never do that as a parent, I am now saying, I will never do that as a grandparent!!
This is for Extremely Upset. I am one of 8 kids – what people often do not talk about is preferential treatment in families. Everyone thinks parents love their children equally and somewhat fairly. Maybe in some families, but not in mine. It is so blatant and obvious that it is laughable. At this point in my life, I keep the channels of comunication as open as I can (without throttling someone) for the sake of my children. But I am also vigilant when my parents visit to ensure they are not being bullish with my kids. My father has barked and snarled at my then 15-month old son repeatedly – later in the day my sister (his favourite) showed up with her 2 girls and the youngest was doing the same thing – he patted her on the head and smiled. I made sure he caught my eye and gave him “my look” – he got the point and has been a little more careful since. When I hear him raise his voice to my children, I quickly intervene. Maybe you should consider her lack of interest as a mixed blessing. Your daughter obviously picks up on her negative vibe – do you really want to leave your defenseless, non-verbal babe with someone making her that uncomfortable? My parents have done back flips to do things for one of my sisters and one of my brothers – the rest of us get nothing. That is the way it is and some folks have spent a lot of time trying to change that, I have chosen to spend my energy elsewhere. I want my boys to know their family, but I do not want to give anyone the opportunity to make them think for a moment that they are less than anyone else – less deserving, less loveable, less special. They are too precious for that. Good luck coming to terms with it – maybe you should give your husband an extra hug, I think he deserves it.
Wow. I read this article and these posts and suddenly I don’t feel so alone, so thank you all for sharing your stories.
My mom and stepdad moved 2,000 miles away ON THE DAY OF MY WEDDING. They couldn’t even wait to have dinner with us–as soon as the late morning ceremony was over and we’d had some cake and mimosas, they came up to us and said they were heading out because they had a long drive. ?????
We live in the midwest; they moved out to the Olympic peninsula. No problem, until we had the first baby (Katy-5). We flew out to visit them at Christmas when I was 5.5 mos. pregnant: a 15 hour odyssey because we have to fly with layovers and then take a puddle-jumper because they won’t drive out the hour and a half to SEATAC. They didn’t want to come to us–too cold in winter, too hot in summer–and were seriously pissed when I turned down their offer two years later to fly me out over Memorial Day weekend with a two-year old. It led to some frosty silences because my mom feels like I “won’t make the effort” to come out there. Ummm, both my husband and I work full time (I do have the summers “off” because I’m a teacher but I’m not going out there without my husband, who gets exactly 10 vacation days a year) and SHE’S RETIRED and she doesn’t have to drag 2 small children and all their gear through 3 airports to see us.
That Christmas, she didn’t send a present for Katy and I just LOST IT. I unloaded with both barrels (I am the “good daughter” who just put up with her coldness and distance) and after that, oddly, things have improved. She came out for Katy’s birthday, and this year they came for Christmas because I was due to have our second baby right around that time (he came a week early). I think my stepdad has been working on her, because he loves me and he wants to see his grandkids, and I think he’s been telling my mom that she’s only got one shot at this (my sister isn’t having kids–we had a really effed up childhood and she’s convinced she’d be a terrible mom–I don’t agree, but it’s not my decision).
I have just held my ground. It helps that my mom’s a little competitive — my husband’s parents live just over an hour away– and that she’s in therapy. I love her very much but I am not putting up with any more crap. If she doesn’t want to be involved there’s not much I can do to change that, but if she does, I’m very happy to have her help. I make sure she knows it, too, and that seems to help as well.
This really resonated for all sorts of reasons I can’t go into. Thanks so much for writing it.
From experience I can tell you this is even harder when there are other grandchildren in the family. My MIL spends a lot of time with my SIL’s children and rarely ever visits our three children. In the past year she has only visited one time and that was begging and pleading from my husband. We have asked her to come back this Autumn and it is like pulling teeth. If we want the kids to see her then we are the one driving the three hours with three children. Then we get there they still do not get Nana time as the other two grand children are there and they get jealous and no one wants them to be upset. As we have been told they are used to having Nana to themselves and do not like to share. Crazy! I did not have grand parents as a child and thought my children would be different. Luckily my FIL makes a point to visit each our children for their birthday EVERY year. He is the only grandparent that even acknowledges them on their birthday. Sometimes I think it is better just to cut off the link to prevent future pain. Children are smart and will notice when they are being treated different than the other grandchildren.
I’m the only child of my parents’ marriage, but they divorced when I was young, and each remarried and had three other kids. So, I’m the oldest of 7, but all of my siblings are half-siblings. My mother is wonderful and tries to stay as involved as she can, especially considering that we live 2000 miles away. She came out for my son’s birth (he is now 20-months old) and once paid for the two of us to visit her.
My father, on the other hand, truly appears to care less. He has never come out to visit my son. When he was born we got a quick phone call and flowers. My father and his family actually forgot my son’s first birthday and did not call us until several weeks too late. How does an entire family do that? One would think my stepmother or my grown-up half-siblings would of thought, “Hey, isn’t ____’s first birthday soon?” Meanwhile, he is very involved in the lives of my sister’s two children, going so far as to babysit them regularly, and having plenty of overnight visits. Like a previous poster mentioned, when we talk on the phone and I start talking about my son’s latest achievements, he sounds vaguely interested, but then quickly transitions to talking about the latest cute things my nieces have been up to.
I’ve tried to adopt a zen-like attitude to all this, and I’ve worked hard at keeping my expectations in check. It’s not like this behavior is new. Heck, I’ve lived in another state for 11 years and in all that time he has never made a trip to visit me. Not once. This despite me making several trips to visit him prior to having a child, when I was just a graduate student and surviving on student loans. This would be so much easier to swallow if I thought the problem was him being reluctant to travel because of not having enough money, time, or whatever. However, since he has made several trips to visit a family member who lives approximately the same distance away, that clearly isn’t the case.
I have told him my feelings of disappointment before. His response is typically that we should come out to visit him. I’m a SAHM now, though, and my partner is still a graduate student. There’s no way we can afford to fly right now. Anyhow, like I said I try to maintain a realistic attitude and base my expectations on his/their previous behavior. That said, though, I have moments of weakness when I yearn for their involvement.
The most recent incident was the worst. I called to just catch up. He began excitedly telling me how my siblings were all there and how they were all planning a family trip to visit the family member who lives about the same distance from them as I do. Remember, my father still has not met my 20-month old son, and neither has my stepmother or my half-siblings. Yet, they thought it would be just nifty to fly about the same distance to go visit this aunt whom they have visited on several occasions over the last few years. That hurt, I started crying, and I think he must have gotten some idea of how asshole-ish that was, because he sort-of-apologetically called me a few weeks later. Has anything changed since I told him how I was feeling? Nope. Will I continue to have moments of weakness when I let my expectations get too high? Absolutely, because I’m only human. I am working on it, though.
Anyhow, it is good to read these letters, because it helps me to remember I’m not alone.
Thank you so much for writing this article and thank you to all the commenters who have written in so far.
Wow. After reading the article and the above comments, I’m “thankful” for the fact that while my MIL might be fairly disinterested in her grandkids, at least she’s not a total narcissist, nor does she lay guilt trips on me! I’ve tried for years to figure out “what the deal is” with her. Maybe the fact that she just doesn’t have a very close relationship with her son (my husband) — though that’s her fault. Maybe the fact that my husband looks like her first husband, who left her when DH was 9 months old and my MIL was pregnant with her second, and never bothered (of course!) to send child support or anything. Maybe because we got pregnant and had a baby before she was 50, which made her feel old. We live 3 hours away, and she’s only been to visit twice, I think, in three years and two grandkids. My parents, in contrast, live in the same town that she does, and come to visit at least eery 4 to 6 weeks if we can’t make it to visit them. (I tell myself that it’s the big city traffic, which stresses her out, plus she works year-round.) I just don’t know. I’ve pretty much given up on her as far as making any “extra” effort. She does send b-day and Christmas gifts (if we’re not up there visiting), but she doesn’t visit or call, and if we’re visiting our hometown, she’ll see the kids for about 2-3 hours during the weekend, when my husband and I are around. It’s so aggravating. I try to tell myself that *she’s* the one missing out, but I do feel bad that my kids won’t have much of a relationship with her (unless things change). That bothers me. One of my own grandmas was quite distant — not mean or anything, but distant — even though she lived right in town, and when she passed away a year ago, a found myself far more sad for my grandpa and my dad than for a lost mythical relationshp between the two of us. Sadly, my other grandma, who would’ve killed to have had us so close, lived 500 miles away when we were growing up, so we were never able to develop that day-to-day closeness. All of which is to say that I think that there is pain for the grandkids when their grandparents have no apparent interest in them; it’s NOT just the grandparents missing out.
Oh well. Like I said above, I’ll just try to be thankful that my MIL is not as shameful an example of a grandparent as the author’s (and other commenters’!), and I’ll be extra, extra thankful that my parents clearly love and adore their grandkids. Oh, the thing that does worry me though, is if my sister-in-law ever has kids. I tend to think that if she does, that the reality of my MIL having favorites will be made all too clear.
My in-laws act differently when they are around my children and when they are around all their grandchildren. When we are alone the kids get hugged and interacted with. However, when the family is all together, they are very formal and unaffectionate. They make it clear that they prefer the boys over the girls and the oldest ones over the younger ones. My second daughter, who is very keen on picking up social faux pas, brought one to my attention when she was just 2 1/2 years old. We were at a restaurant for an uncle’s birthday. She and her older sister were playing by grandma and grandpa and noticed the wine cooling in it’s bucket stand. They went to investigate it and was told immediately to not play with it. They went back to their seats thinking it was something dangerous. No more than a minute later her male cousin went over to investigate the same bucket. Instead of an equally quick scold to stay away, he was cheered and admired. I didn’t notice all this for I was in a conversation but boy did my daughter speak her mind. She said, referring to her grandparents, and I quote, “They not nice.” From then on forward, I let them develop their relationship, however it may turn out.
I also want to say “thanks” for a great article and great posts. It is interesting how hearing similar stories from strangers makes you feel not so alone. I’m pregnant with my first baby – my in laws are great, but my parents are a completely different story … We live very close to my parents and my in laws are 2 hours away. I must say, I wish it was the reverse. My parents have shown little to no interest in the pregnancy. Sure they say they’re “looking forward to it,” but that’s as far as it goes. They never ask me how its going, how I feel, etc. They are so cold and distant. Surprising since I’m an only child and this will be their first grandchild (and only opportunity for grandchildren). They are snow birds who go to Florida for the winter. Their usual time of the year that they depart to Florida is about 2 weeks after my due date. I have a few meetings for work and other obligations during maternity leave, so I asked what their schedule would be this particular year since I will need someone to look after the new baby on those few days that I have meetings that I have to attend. Much to my surprise (or not to my surprise, I’m not sure), they are not changing their plans. So they will leave for Florida 2 weeks after the baby is born and be gone for 6 months. We have no other family around, and when I mentioned this to them (I’ll admit, trying to invoke a guilt trip), they said “well, lots of people have to raise kids with no help.” But they didn’t, I had numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. who helped out with me. My parents have always been selfish and uninvolved, but for some reason I held out hope that things would change with a grandchild. I’m so mad at myself that I did that, because now I just have my feelings hurt again! The intelligent side of me says not to be surprised and not to worry about it, to just accept their faults and know that I am better off without them involved. But the emotional side of me has lots of trouble accepting it and not wishing for something more fulfilling. I get so jealous of my friends who have parents close by that are loving, involved and help out. There must be some way to grow from the situation I’m in, but I can’t figure out how.
I would love to get over my own issues with them and figure out what is best for the new baby. Do I let him go through the same experience that I did and get his feelings hurt by them when he’s old enough to realize how they are? Do I play a more active role in distancing him to protect him because I don’t want him to go through what I did? I don’t want him always wondering “why don’t grandma and grandpa care more about me” and dealing with those issues, like I obviously still do. There’s no point in us both going through that because of them. DH and I have discussed moving closer to his family so at least our child will get to experience a close extended family, but jobs are keeping us here. Life with emotionally absent parents / grandparents is tough!
Wow, how relieved I am to read about a grandparenting relationship that falls outside the norm that’s depicted in the media. Although I believe my situation is somewhat different from the one described by Amina (assuming that “narcissism” is what’s truly at play there), it’s frustrating to be constantly bombarded with images of smiling, silver-haired couples doting over their grandchildren. Maybe there aren’t too many families where the grandparents give up hours every week to donate free babysitting services replete with an endless supply of chocolate chip cookies, nifty craft projects, and games of catch, but I do talk to plenty of friends and coworkers with parents who are considerably more involved in their children’s lives.
No, I don’t have a sense of entitlement that leads me to believe that grandparents are obliged to a certain level of participation. I couldn’t possibly, given that both sets of my grandparents had died before I was born because I was delivered to a pair of 41-year-old parents and my son was born two years ago (after we battled infertility) when I myself was 39. And my husband’s mother moved 3000 miles away after divorcing his father 8 years ago. I know my reality, but that doesn’t change the fact that I still get twinges of disappointment when realizing that I only spoke to my mother a dozen times during my pregnancy and no one from my side of the family came to my son’s second birthday party earlier this week. My parents didn’t even call him on his birthday. Not due to narcissistic reasons; just because they’re 80 years old, barely know what day of the week it is let alone what the date is, and their daily routine is monopolized by the struggle of accomplishing mundane tasks that you or I squeeze into our lunch hour. Whatever the reason though, they’re absent. My son’s too young to notice now, but he will eventually, and that stings.
My MIL/FIL have only seen our daughter twice. They are a five hour drive away from us and have never even visited. In order to see them we have to drive up to visit. The first time we made it up for a visit was when our daughter was 8 months old. My MIL forgot that we even had a baby. The second time we saw them was when our daughter was 20 months old. This time MIL forgot our daughter’s name. They have never once called to check on her or sent a card, let alone a gift. We have pretty much given up on them and don’t expect anything anymore.It is nice to know that other people have uninvolved grandparents too. I always felt like my in-laws were the only ones.
My husband travels a lot for work. He may be away for 3 weeks at a time. When I had our first child – the first grandchild I took on his role to visit his mother and create a strong relationship as his father was dead. This involved a 3 hour car journey. I would pack when the baby was asleep and then she would wake up and cry for most of the journey. I was working part-time – have another son by a previous relationship – it was hard as I live one hr away from my own parents and I was basically living as a single parent. I made the effort as my own family is very close knit.
Over the last 7 years while my husband travels I have pretty much figured out that the relationship was based on my effort. They would never ever babysit for me and husband to have time together – a strain on our marriage. Once when I was sick on a visit with a high temperature they didn’t even offer to help and I had to travel home 3 hours by myself with the kids. They keep presents that relatives send to them for our child. They live in a huge house – she is retired and her only single daughter works part-time and lives in the house every other week. We constantly struggle with money.
When now I am having her 3rd grandchild. My first child [not to my husband] had a birthday and did not receive a card or anything. Their 2nd grandchild [my third] had a birthday and they said they could not visit as they had a church committee meeting to attend – we should come down. When I said well maybe my husband could go she asked me what I was doing that I couldn’t make it – never mind the fact that I am heavily pregnant again. No card has come yet for her birthday. My ex boyfriends family who have not met any of my children and are considerably poor in comparison sent a card for the grandchilds birthday with lots of money in it. My mum has given us pressies already and has offered to help us convert a room for the new child. My mum works full-time – is not well off – and in her spare time even offers to babysit to allow me to have some sleep.
My MIL complains about not seeing them but doen’t help or support. Apparently it is great that my husband is away so much and I can help them in their massive house with all the maintenance they need to do. Our house is tiny and alling apart – maybe that is why they dont visit – they dont want to see the comparison.
My daughter will turn 10 next week and my in-laws have not been to see our children since her birthday last year. Actually, I am not sure if they are coming now. This is nothing new and has been an ongoing concern since the day she was born.
So I decide to see if I could find any wisdom out there to help make sense of an issue I have been dealing with for over a decade. I found this article, read all the posts and feel I have come away with some clarity on the situation. “Babyboomerssink” you seem to have the best take on the overall issue. I believe it is our parents’ generation that has no concept of what it is to pass on love and encouragement to another generation. This is the generation of “free love” and “Roe vs. Wade”, clearly a generation concerned about self. To be honest, I was not convinced my parents were going to step up as grandparents, but they have exceeded anything I could have imagined. Of course, it has been a process and it does not hurt that they only live 5 minutes from us.
You can even tell by reading the posts which writers are baby boomers. “We signed up for parenthood. Our parents did not sign up for grandparenthood. Are you kidding me? It is nothing you sign up for, grandparenthood is not AARP or Augusta National. Grandparenthood is a privilege! No one is asking for you to baby us during pregnancy or spoil our children, we just want you to act like they are alive and someone worth caring about. What kind of person cant love a child? Think about what you are saying. I sometimes remind my parents that my gift to them is giving them grandkids they can just enjoy. They dont have to worry about raising them, paying for their braces or taking them to baseball practice. All they have to do is show up and enjoy getting to be a part of their lives. What a deal! When they are done, then they can go and have a quiet dinner at their favorite Mexican restaurant. Who could ask for more? My children are happy, my parents feel like great grandparents and I dont have to worry about my children being emotionally wounded for life!
But I guess thats the difference. My parents never seem to wonder if a decision they made would affect my sister or I negatively. A decision was typically made on what worked best for them. That is why I believe my generation has become the complete opposite. The children of the Baby Boomers want to give our children everything we missed out on. The author of the article herself said she did not know her fathers family and she is now willing to endure some difficulties to make sure her son has the opportunities her father was not willing to sacrifice for her to have. At least now for me it makes a little more sense. I still find it hard to believe that anyone closely related to my son would not jump at a chance to come see him turn a double play at six years old. Im just saying.
Just a quick add. I do find it ironic that one day too soon, these grandparents who did not sign up to be grandparents, will be sitting in a nursing home with all the time in the world desperately missing the kids stuff. Unfortunately for them, the kids will not be there because they will be spending time with the grandparents who actually took time to build a relationship and memories with them. Someone who took time out from their busy lives to come watch a little league game or even to celebrate their 10th birthday.
A very big thank you to this author for being brave enough to address asituation that most mothers and fathers do not experience. My mother is the same way. She says she loves our daughter more then anything in the world, yet she would never see her if I did not take the initiative to set up a few hour date for her to visit her. And when I ask if she wants an afternoon with just her & her grandchild, she always says she is tired, or has plans with her friends.
I don’t know anyone else who goes thru this. It is very confusing and hurtful to me. How can she say she loves her so much, but never ever spends quality time with her? Also, I know it should not be expected for the grandparent to help babysitting….but when I am in dire need of some help ( I am sick, or my husband is, and we are in desperate need of help with our daughter ), she is, once again, tired, overworked, or has plans with friends. If she can make so much time with her friends, then why in the world not us??
I hope one day I can come to peace with this odd behavior….and understand where she is coming from. Until then, I just sigh and cry a lot.
Thank you for this article it starts to give me some insight into my mother in law. My husband and I have been married for two years, he has a child from a previous marriage and so do I. My parents live in the same city as us as well as his mother. However, his mother would rather travel to see her daughter and her three younger children than drive 15 minutes to see her own grandson and my daughter, not to mention her own son.
She has been distant since we started dating, and come to find out from my husband she wasn’t exactly BFF’s with his first wife. So, there is a common denominator here and it isn’t me.
We include her in EVERYTHING asking her to come to things at the kids’ school, dinner at our house, outings we plan to go on, even inviting her out when we don’t have the kids. My husband has had several talks with her about her rude behavior toward me, her lack of involvment in our life and our family, and we have talked with her together, nothing seems to work. She always seems to turn the conversation back around to how she is hurt for one reason or another. We are at a loss of what else to do. How many times do you ask? How many times do you try? If this was a friend after all of this we would of given up by now, and honestly we are there with her.
It hurts my husband that she seems to have any and every reason to travel to see his other sibling but won’t come over within the same city to see him. Age doesn’t apply when your parents are shutting you out, it makes you feel like a little kid, hurt and alone. His Dad is better but still rarely makes the effort. He is in another city but does ask for the kids, and asks us to come visit, despite him rarely coming to our home.
My heart hurts for my husband as my parents’ despite their own set of issues are involved more in our kids’ lives than his. For his son they are the only grandparents that are truly involved as my stepson’s mom’s side never visits, and he has little to no contact with them.
Why can my mother in law not get beyond herself enough to see she is hurting her son and her grandson? Before she blinks one day he will be older and it will always be formal and not close due to her choice to stay distant. It just remains to be a point of hurt for my husband and myself as we do not understand her behavior.
Wonderful article. I had almost the same situation. However my parents were there a little for one of our children and hardly at all for the other. We then moved out of state and they basically didn’t bother with my girls or us at all. My younger sister stayed close by to our parents and her children benefited.
My parents NEVER came for a holiday visit stating they would miss out on their granddaughters’ holidays. ??? What about the other granddaughters ..my daughters??? Could we not split the holidays in some way…for 17 plus years, I guess not. My attempt at making them understand this only made me out to be ” the difficult, and emotional daughter”.
This strange absentee grandparent thing is also contagious to other family members: my sister is the same. Traveling out to our state but spending the entire visits with her in-laws…driving right by our home on an outing with them and never stopping to see us. If we were to see them we had to go to the in-laws. (They did not want to stay with us.) I have tried to find out why. Always making sure I remember my nieces, I have tried to be a long distance part of their lives.
Sad to say the same goes for my husband’s family, however I think this may be related to income, and lifestyle differences. If his parents were still alive this would not happen, but his siblings are all close to each other and each others kids (especially the sisters)….they could care less about our children. It wasn’t quite this bad when we first moved near his entire family, but after 17 years, it is like they are acquaintances, not family. I have had to understand that I may never really know why. I can try to improve it….but it wont change it. Makes the Holidays sad to gather with them and feel like total outsiders (if they remember us for the holidays, as they have a definite Holiday protocol on who has what…and I have been told we don’t have the space to host a Holiday!). I have felt so bad for my girls that we have maintained this association with these people who don’t really care enough. But they are family. I tell my sister how I feel but my husband refuses to bring it up with his and tells me I am not to either. Soon, my girls may be married planning families of their own and I will be so honored to be a GRANDPARENT as I am honored to be a parent!
Thank you for this opportunity to share my story. I never thought when I was in my twenties and not yet married that my parents would behave similarly as how I have been reading in this column. I have two sons with a great husband of 25 years (who is European) and after so many hurtful experiences I felt it was in the best interest of my family to move away. And so we did, and that was 11 years ago. My children now 20 years and 16 years old have a great relationship on the phone with their grandparents over the years. The boys catch up and tell them all their news. In early years, I didnt have any support during either pregnancy I didnt know I could ask for any. It would have been nice.. I was told before my first son was born that they were not babysitters and I was mindful that I never asked them to be babysitters even when there were other full time grandchildren in care with them. Once when I had a specialists appointment and my husband was working shift work, I couldnt find any alternative but to ask to my mother if she would mind being able to care for the younger (1 year) but she suggested that I needed to ask my father. I asked my father and was so nervous . He did not make it easy, he was silent and looked away the whole time.
When I picked up the 1 year old I found him so distressed. As I stood on their porch I found the security door locked , my mother was on the phone. My father sat and watched my little son cry through the security door to me. When eventually my mother came in and unlocked the door my little boy fell into my arms sobbing. I will always remember my father saying you said it would only be for 45 minutes! (I was late about 40 minutes because of the specialists delay_ He continued take your screaming child and go and I did I drove both children around to calm them, and myself. By the end of that day and after a long conversation with my husband I realised that there was no real reason for us to live in that city any more. My husband got a transfer and within 6 months we were gone. Of course I speak to my parents, but I will never understand why we were treated differently from the others but I do know this after so many years away it becomes microscopic in our life now.
I know that the few times I have paid for my parents air tickets they have really enjoyed their holiday in the tropics with us. My children have grown into affectionate, conversational and loving. young men . My children are unaware of any extended family and dont seem to question if there are any. In truth my own 4 siblings are quiet and not conversational people and their children (from what I remember) reflected similar qualities. Since moving away I feel I have stepped out of the dark and into a lovely new life. Recently I have asked my father to bring family photos and I will cherish them. They can be great people but I am aware that they are regular people and keep my expectations of them real.
Zicea Becks: I have noticed that during these major life milestones, some people hope for a turning point in their relationships. It turns out to be a real disappointment when something that means so much to them seems to mean so little to others they esteem.
Great article. I can relate. Looks like lots of people can. Here’s the thing… every human is different and bonds with others differently. If you have many kids you’ll bond with them differently…not better or worse, stronger or weaker but differently. It’s excellent that you’re willing to allow your son to bond with his grandparents however he does, and to rejoice in the relationship. When you have another child – and you will – it will be different again. You might wondering why your parents, or your in laws, or you treat the other child so differently. Remember why… they are different people…. and rejoice in it. Any other reaction only leads to heartache and pain and separation.
I think what really kills a lot of us, is the attitude our parents hold when they had help from their parents. I think the attitude that some (obviously not all) baby boomers have is that at they are entitled to their golden years and don’t need to be involved in their grandchilds life. I don’t think we can expect day care, but I do think we should be able to expect occasional help and babysitting, especially in a pinch, especially since our parents received that help from our grandparents. Maybe we need to hire daycare and a babysitter, but in an emergency or every once in awhile, I think we should be able to expect help. I think what will be interesting is when this current crop of absentee grandparents need help toward the end of their lives and find themselves at the receiving end of the same culture shock we are dealing with. A lot of their affluence is now going down the tubes with the stock market and life expectancy is going up, so many of these people are going to enjoy their 60s, 70s, and maybe 80s and then find the end of their life very painful as they run out of money and have no one to turn to. As they hit that age, we will be getting our kids off to college and retiring, and I’m willing to bet that there’s quite a culture shock when they are told that we’ve now hit our golden years and its “our time” now, they are on their own.
This is very sad but not surprising. I don’t understand either, why a parent or a grandparent or anyone with some kind of family would not want to always be close to them, not in a suffocating way, but to be there for each other. But, like you said, people have different ways of loving. And then there’s some that are too selfish and just can’t really love at all. I guess, for some, being there for family just isn’t important to them.
I’m finding many similar stories here to mine, so I won’t add to throng other than to say a couple things.
First, being a ‘baby boomer grandparent’ has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not a grandparent is involved. I am a baby boomer parent whose own mother had great difficulty being overtly involved with my kids (her grandchildren), and this despite our living close to my parents and my mother having had a good relationship with her own mother.
What can one say about this?
All I have learned after a couple decades of trying to understand why my mother was so aloof and distant following the births of my kids is that without her sharing with me why she behaved like that I really cannot understand. And, importantly, that grandparents–like parents–differ hugely in the way in which they interact with their grandkids (and kids). My own mother, to be honest and not surprisingly, was not a cuddly, warm kind of mama!
It can be crushingly hard to accept that one’s own parents are not particularly involved with their grandkids, or that they ‘show’ their involvement in ways that are hard to discern. But I can say from my own experience that the sooner one accepts this, and moves on to put the focus where it belongs–on creating the kind of family YOU (and your spouse) wants, the happier you will be. I do think it’s important not not ‘throw the baby out with the bath water’ (sorry for the oh, so cute metaphor here!); to not, in other words, cut off contact with one’s difficult parents, unless, of course, they are truly toxic. Family ties are surprisingly powerful, and I do believe we all need them. Learning to appreciate the healthy aspects of these relationships, while ignoring the problematic, is really the way to go.
Good luck!
Btw, as I said above, I am a boomer parent, and I am tenderly and powerfully involved with my kids, and deeply looking forward to becoming a grandparent.
Just had to say one more thing: a big thank you to the author for having the courage and energy (!) to post this. It’s difficult stuff. I have felt very alone for many years with my experience; now, having read all the comments, that is not the case. Good work!
I am pretty much having the same experience. I am 12 weeks pregnant with my first child (and their first grandchild) and it seems that I might as well have told my parents that I am buying a puppy. They seem more interested in their own lives and that of my other sister who has just moved into a new house than sharing in our joy and their first grandchild. Luckily my friends and other relatives show interest and support and I have grown a lot closer to them because of it. (Even though this seems to make my mother jealous).
Unfortunately, There is the Grandma who’s son and his wife won’t allow her to see, meet, love her only Grandson. ” It hurts him to do this and I’ve done nothing wrong, but the first years are so impressionable for him, he should be with only his Parents.” This has crushed me! I am so heartbroken . I never ever thought my son would say this and follow up on it! (NO I don’t have a criminal record, do drugs, nor am I harmful with anything or anyone even with words.)
Thank you for writing this. I too deal with family members too wrapped up in their own self absorption, bottomless emotional needs and various dramas to give of themselves (and accept the precious quiet gifts that their grandchildren have to offer). I am a very understanding person and realize that no one is perfect, but I also believe that by the time you are a grandparent you should have worked through your issues enough to be able to offer some help to the next generation as they work through their issues. It’s the natural order of things for the older generation to want to help the next generation. Unfortunately my husband and I both have parents emotionally stuck in their narcissistic 30′s and they will probably stay that way, in retrospect it is much of why we were attracted to each other in the first place, we both understood a heritage of dysfunction. We are determined to not follow in our parent’s footsteps and every day I have to tamp down the resentment I have for our selfish parents. Thank you for writing this, it’s hard to watch my friends parents step up to the role of grandparent so effortlessly and generously. It’s hard not to feel alone.
I have the same situation. My children have grandparents who are not warm, minimally interested and completely out of touch with anything but their own emotional needs and dramas. Just last week I was reduced to tears when a sweet older lady came up to my 1 year old and gushed over him and told me about her precious “grandbabies” whom she adored. I almost asked this woman if she would please be grandma to my kids. Can you imagine that? Not even Tina Fey would do something so awkward. I literally had to sweep my baby away from her and rush away so she wouldn’t see me break down. There are so many mothers out there in need of help, emotional support, warmth and love.
Thanks for sharing this. I ended up searching and finding this article after getting off the phone with one of my parents. At this stage, I wonder if they are medicated as they are so disconnected with everything, they really have changed. I feel confident in my assessment only because my wife of 8+ years also sees how they have changed.
We are a family known to argue and be confrontational. Add a sibling who hates the world and everyone in it, including me plus jealous of our child you get a recipe for disaster.
The last blow out occurred 5 months ago when I finally asked my parents to leave. It has been an equal amount of time since my sibling and one parent has seen my kid as they have chosen not to return and plan to never return. My other parent made an appearance 3 months after the argument for an hour which is better than nothing I suppose.
As time passes I have become more bitter about the situation myself and seem to share some of the same sentiments written in the above article. I asked my wife if she would consider just moving away, to the UK or Australia, create some distance between us and family. She handles this much better than I do, she doesn’t care, she says “their loss”.
Personally, I am more angry now about adults not being able to work it out, disappointed that it has come to this and angry about them not seeing our child. We have made it clear they can see our child any time, no questions asked though they continue to make excuses.
I think I need more distance as I am in the stages of throwing in the towel. When our child is old enough and he wants to reach out to them he will always be allowed to and we will always welcome their calls and visits for him, but I think there are some issues that need to be resolved between us adults before we get over these family hurdles.
Thank you for sharing your article… now i need to work on getting my 3,000 miles across the country done :p
Thank you for writing this article and for everyone who has shared that they are in the same boat. I have felt so alone and your comments moved me to tears.
I first noticed my parents disinterest on announcing my first pregnancy. Since then I have spent the first 2 years of my sons life trying to ‘force’ my parents to come and see us and when that fails I have eagerly jumped on a flight to go see them. This is their first, and stil is, the only grandchild.
We to Madrid from Sweden a year ago and the trip is much further (no direct flights). I am due with our second child in 3 weeks time. Over the last 6 months I have asked for their help/support for the arrival of the new baby again and again which they have managed to talk their way out of (they did not want to help with the arrival of the first) .
They are currently in the same country as us – on a 1 month golf trip with their buddies but they ‘don’t have time’ to come and see us in Spain while they are here. This was a trip they booked and were able to commit to months ago… they even flew through our city but did not stop by. It’s my mom who wears the trousers and my dad who acts like a mindless minion and just goes along with what she says.
They are returning to Sweden 1 week before the baby is due to go to a bunch of ‘xmas parties’. They have no intention of coming to Spain in December once baby arrives as I have been asked to buy my son a xmas present on their behalf. She can keep her money.
They are retired, healthy, have ample financial means but they’re not interested. That was hard to admit. It’s so sad. Like many others who have written, I want this for my children rather than for me.
My mom has openly admitted that she regrets being a ‘housewife’, moving round the world with us and not having her own life. Now in her eyes I am ‘making the same mistake’ and I guess she can’t support that. I am so happy in my decisions and proud of where I am at, so her projecting her issues is hurtful and has created a huge gap between us. When I try to express my feelings she has called me a ‘princess’, ‘spoilt’ and that ‘i read negatively into everything she says’.
I am working on acceptance and forgiveness but it’s hard… it’s really hard.
Thank you for writing this. I am having trouble understanding why my parents have zero interest in my children. Since it’s both of them and they’re divorced, I feel like it’s me.