Pregnant and single. And happy about it. On Babble.com.
Why today's women are choosing to have babies alone
Angie Lieber sat in front of the Gorilla Caf’ in Park Slope, Brooklyn, talking to a new friend whom she had met through her parents’ synagogue. Both single moms by choice, they conversed easily, swapping breastfeeding stories and comparing pediatrician notes. Soon they moved to heavier stuff: the decision to become pregnant without a partner, and the complications of getting impregnated by an anonymous donor. As the afternoon slipped by, the women shared a truly post-modern epiphany: their daughters were half-sisters. Incredibly, they had both had selected sperm from the same man.
The coincidence is freakish, but the underlying story speaks to the growing number of women who are choosing to have children outside of marriage. In 2004, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, 36% of babies in the United States were born to unwed mothers. In cities like New York, the number is close to 50%. A significant percentage of these single moms were not stereotypical disadvantaged teenagers (for whom child-raising would be a deep financial burden) or high-powered executives (who could easily absorb child-care and other costs), but rather typical middle-class working women. This new breed of single moms make their decision to have children neither as a grand political statement nor as a last resort, but because they don’t want to miss out on the emotional experience of giving birth and raising children.
For Angie, the single mom from Brooklyn, motherhood has always been a priority. As she explains, “My yearning for a child ran so deep I didn’t wait to get married.” And while there were men she could have said yes to, she didn’t feel like any of them were good marriage – or father – material. One month after her thirty-seventh birthday she visited a sperm bank – as she puts it, “the ultimate shopping experience.” She chose one of the few Jewish donors she could find, and was inseminated. Her daughter is now twenty months old.
When asked about the hardships of raising her daughter by herself, Angie starts by saying: “Most single women are people who are comfortable with pushing through things. They don’t fall to pieces. I’m comfortable being and doing things alone.” That said, the challenge is not so much the lack of a partner – although she’d like to fall in love and get married. Rather it’s the bills. Between daycare, rent, clothes and daily living expenses, there is very little money left over at the end of the month. As she puts it, “I knew it would be a financial hardship, but I chose to have a child over an expendable income.” Her “ultimate shopping trip” would, as it turns out, be one of her last for the foreseeable future.
As for needing a husband, observing the marriages around her, many with women doing the bulk of childrearing, Angie wonders how helpful it would ultimately be. “There are very few times that I think to myself: ‘I need a man.’ Mostly it’s when I’m faced with the cost of nursery school.” However, she still sometimes wants a partner. “The reality is that I have emotional needs, and I’d like to be in love, to have security, someone to grow old with.”
Thank you so much for this article. Rarely do you find empowering words meant for single moms. You don’t know how much I appreciate this.
It was absolutely refreshing to see single motherhood discussed as it truly is for so many of us. Thank you
Fake trend alert!The headline for this article is “Why Today’s Women are Choosing to Have Babies Alone.” Yet nowhere in this piece do you offer any evidence whatsoever that “today’s women” are indeed choosing to have babies alone.What do you give us instead? At the beginning of the piece, you mention that 36% of babies in 2004 were born to unwed mothers. Well, that’s just great. But where’s the comparison? How many babies were born to unwed mothers in 2003? Or 1993? Or 1983? Doesn’t there have to be an increase in incidence in order for there to be a trend? And what else do you give us? Later in the piece you mention the Sloan book, and while I’m sure its a great book, once again I must ask, “Where is the trend?” Is it a trend because somebody wrote a book about it? People write books about all kinds of things that aren’t trends.The meat of this piece is really a bunch of feel-good anecdotes. And while this makes for great reading, it doesn’t in any way live up to its provocative headline.Look, I get your point. Single-motherhood is a perfectly respectable option for raising kids, and hasn’t been shown to be harmful to the child’s development. Additionally, it’s seen as a more respectable option than it was years ago. That’s great. Why not write a piece on that, instead of trying to snag me with the false promise of a larger trend?
The authenticity of the “trend” notwithstanding, I opted to join it. My son Quinn is due imminently, and although pappa will be a financial and social part of Quinn’s life, I will still take a big financial hit. Yes, it’s my choice, but it is a default choice. The article touches on the unmarriageability of modern men and although I’d like to steer clear of unfair stereotypes, that was my experience. Once engaged and now pregnant, I didn’t ultimately want to marry anyone I have dated in the past 18 years because they didn’t seem like a good life mate.The upshot of this trend (for lack of a better term), is that men are free to earn big bucks while women forego earning power for domestic happiness. Though it’s heartening to know that the kiddies will be just fine, I’m also concerned about the women and the widening gender income gap this trend might result in. A better trend, in my view, would be more social pressure on men to grow up sooner and take on domestic responsibilities, to characterize real masculinity as embracing fatherhood and commitment. But unless and until that happens, my guess is that more women will choose to bear the lion’s share of the financial hit of bringing children into the world rather than miss out. Society needs children and it is unfair for one gender to bear the financial burden of it.
I dont’ think there is any history of men being domestic. It seems that
its always been the job of the women raise the children and take care
of home and the man to provide and protect. Personally I think that is
a good balance but then it allowed women to become oppressed and men to
do anything they wanted.
A few things
For instance it implies that all woman who choose not to marry the
father of their children are single parents. Kimberly isn’t a single
parent. Its seems as if her child’s father is around and is going to be
a father. They just aren’t living in the same house or married. Single
parenthood to me means that you are raising at child ALONE. Just
because you aren’t married doesn’t mean you’ll be a single parent
unless the other party it out of the picture.
I also have this icky feeling as if children are another thing for a
woman to acquire. Like a material goal. Having children in itself is a
selfish trait of human beings. Its embedded in our DNA the desire to
procreate and create more of ourselves. But I feel like the culture
sees men as throw aways. There are plenty of marriage material men but
then usually are the ones that are given the time of day because they
don’t fit the prince charming high power ideal that modern day women
have been desiring. And we aren’t accepting and willing to work through
their flaws and consider ourselves flawless. And while it pains me that
many women are becoming pregnant with men that aren’t father material,
nevermind about marriage material, it rubs me the wrong way that women are becoming single mothers on PURPOSE. I watched the pain
that many of my family including my mother have gone through not
knowing their fathers. They are missing half of who they are. My mother
has gone through life never experiencing the love of someone she can
call daddy or having that experience. In my community, the black
community, involuntary single motherhood is a way of life. Our boys and
girls do much better as a whole when they have a father or a father
figure in their lives. Statistics for us show this. I can’t fathom why someone would purposely bring
a child into the world depriving them of their father or a stand in.
My parents weren’t married when I was brought into this world, and my
father isn’t father of the year. But I will say that I thank GOD I
at least know who he is, know his face, see that other half of me and
what he looks like. Or that I have someone to call daddy and a body to
put to my male half. I just feel bad for anyone that has raise sons because it just seems like men aren’t any use to us(women) or our children anymore.
Totally agree with you, Zakia. The whole article positively reeks of Maureen Dowd and her feculent book.But, to my mind, what made the piece complete rubbish was the whole practice of “I have an opinion and I’m going to portray it as a trend.” People, if you’re going to say that something is a trend, you have to cite some evidence. Otherwise, how will I know that you’re not just making it all up?
It’s hard for me to imagine not having children — I feel like I would climb glaciers barefoot, if need be, in order to have that life experience. At the same time, I can’t imagine doing it all myself. This is truly a Herculean feat these women are pulling off … hats off to you.
What Zakia said. Nice to know that in the interest of fufilling one’s own identity needs, a baby needs to be born with the prospect of his or her own identity screwed up. Single parenting happens, there’s nothing wrong with it per se, much like getting married happens. But if it’s part of a check list…financial burdens are nothing compared to the longing of a child who may not say even one word about how they wonder who they are…who they else they look like. And society may be changing but the last time I checked there was no Parents Day, just Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It’s bad enough there are kids everywhere who may not have either parent or both because of fate (war, illness, etc.). Why would anyone actively CREATE a circumstance for a child?
It is true that some kids who grow up not knowing their biological father’s identity have issues with that. Many more women today are opting to use open adoption or open-identity donors for that reason, which many of us in the Choice Mom community encourage.It is also true that kids also grow up with their own definition of who is important to them — who they define as family. Sometimes that includes donors or birth parents or half-siblings. Sometimes, even if those people are available to them, it does not. Some develop their confidence and security from the people who are biologically connected to them, but more often from the one or two (or three) people who raise them, even if shared genetics is not part of it.As author of “Choosing Single Motherhood” and moderator of ChoiceMoms.org, I do know many of these kids. And many of them — not all — become extremely confident people because of the dedication of their parenting. Number-wise, more than 100,000 women above the age of 30 (old enough to know about birth control) give birth each year, per U.S. census data. Roughly half of them are involved with a partner they are not married to. It doesn’t include women thinking about or trying to conceive. Or the roughly one-quarter of adoptions to single parents. That does not indicate a trend, but I know my website traffic has tripled in two years (word-of-mouth).
Since when do statistics about % of unwed mothers tell us anything about the numbers of single mothers? Totally irrelevant to the article.
Well, I guess my mother was a bit ahead of this “trend”, but she definitely choose to be a single parent.Of course, she did this with little thought about how it would affect any of the other people involved.She told my father she was pregnant, skipped town, and never saw him again. Never again. She works in education so she was easily able to raise me on her own. Our vacations were at the same time, and my school day ended at the same time as her work day. She didn’t “need” anyone to help with childcare. We had plenty of money and I went to all the camps my heart could desire.However, and this is a pretty big however, I was miserable. I used to ask constantly about my father. He tried to be involved in my life, but at every juncture my mother made it clear that he was not welcome. It was not until I was an adult that I spent any real amount of time with him. It turns out that he is a wonderful man, who wanted to be a father but was never given the chance.I can understand not wanting to expose your child to a horrible monster of a father, but my father was a good man. His only flaw, and the reason my mother choose to exclude him from my life, was that he was 10 years younger than her and a carpenter. My mom has 2 masters degrees and felt he was far below her standard. Her decision made a huge impact on my life, regardless of what the studies say.
I noticed that nowhere in the article did it discuss ONCE the impact that not having a father – not even knowing who he is – might have on the child. It’s all about the woman and how it’s so fulfilling and wonderful for her, as if that’s the one and only concern. I find this trend incredibly selfish. The one example of the 45 year old woman having a child on her own. Not only are you choosing to have a child late in life and burdening your child with the very real possibility of having to take care of an elderly parent at a young age, you’re also putting the child in the position of LOSING a parent at a young age — and not having another parent left. All so YOU can feel fulfilled. How selfish.
I think this article has an inherently middle to upper class bias. Women of low socioeconomic means – and a high disparity of minority women – have been doing the single parenting role for years. But when they do it, many consider it “immoral” or “irresponsible”. Yet when middle to upper class women take on single parenting it’s “refreshing” and “enlightened”? Go figure.
I realize Jean’s subject is women and not men, but in telling these women’s stories, she – and they – are quietly drawing conclusions about contemporary men that the piece doesn’t want to own up to. It dances coyly around the idea that present day men are not “suitable” or “marriage material,” and what those things mean is mostly left to the reader.
Either Jean’s focusing on a narrow slot of urban middleclass singles to promote another fake trend, or else she and her subjects are quietly reinforcing a troubling idea: that a man who doesn’t want to assume traditional father and provider roles has nothing to offer the modern woman – unless he’s a hot personal trainer, of course.
Oh well, I guess not all of us deserve someone to grow old with.
As a psychologist, I must say that I am appalled by this “trend” (if that is what it is). I am very curious to see the study cited in the article that supposedly shows that being raised by a single parent has no negative effects on the children, since a very large number of studies that I have previously read show the opposite. In fact, even the amount of involvement of the father has a significant impact on child development. Though I hope to have a daughter at some point, I specifically wanted my firstborn to be a son because studies show that fathers who have a son first tend to be more involved with all of their subsequent children (regardless of the gender) than those whose first-born is a girl. The time that a father spends with his children, ironically, has a greater impact on the achievement of daughters, with girls with highly involved fathers tending to preform better academically and have higher self-confidence and less chance of body-image issues.
I agree totally with fatherless. My mother is a single mother by choice, never met my father, and even thought my mom had a great network of friends and family I always suffered wondering about my father. I had a lot of identity problems, not to mention every time that I see somebody on the streets that kinda looks like I start wondering if it’s my relative. The worst part was my relationships with the opposite sex. I came out totally ahndicap for growing up witouth a father. I couldn’t establish a healthy relationship with men becuase subcountiously I was always looking for a father. I don’t know which children that study interviewed but let me say that every single grown up child of a single mother by choice I know has the same issue as me.
I’m a man that is in a similar situation. I was seeing a woman, casually and after we ended the affair, we found out she was pregnant. I attempted to be part of the babies life. I wasn’t even told of her birth until 11 days after my little girl was born. I had requested to be notified so I could see her on first day alive and was promised that it would be so. I took 2 large bags of presents to her for Christmas a few years later and was met at the door by my little
girl. She was quickly pushed away
from the door and I was told that she didn’t even know I existed. The presents were refused as well. To this day, I know that she is a happy, well cared-for child but she isn’t getting everything she needs. I’ve tried to have a child in my life and of my life since I was married at age 21. That was 20 years ago. Out of 6 pregnancies from 5 different relationships, I still have none. 3 miscarriges, 1 abortion, 1 from another man and this child – the only live birth.
I have never met and don’t know my father at all, only his name. I know it has affected me a lot – I don’t feel complete as a person despite being surrounded by a loving mother, step-father, half brother, grandparents and now an extremely supportive boyfriend. The affects have rubbed off on me – awkward questions from friends, the sadness of never having called someone “dad” or being “daddy’s little girl” and actually, to an extent, the relationships I have had. I am quite clingy, simply because I need somethign solid and stable in my life because my family is not. The only solid thing I can have is a loving relationship, but then I feel I become too overbearing… And I do blame that for it.
I think women should think about the child and it’s future before doing this. It can seem almost selfish, from my point of view, speaking as “one of these children”.
Knowing the William Dobson situation.. He has fathered another child and the women ran back to Canada to get away from him. His selfish issues are evident. He lies to the women in his life, he won’t change his self serving ways. An ego maniac is an understatement.
While it is generally agreed that divorce, as well as an unhappy marriage, can damage a child’s sense of well-being, a 1997 study conducted by Cornell University found little or no evidence of negative academic or behavior effects on the children of single moms… NICE!