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Names Guaranteed To Get Your Kid A Playground Beating

You named me WHAT?!

It is, perhaps, the first difficult thing you’ll do as a parent. Naming your kid. It’s a big deal! Your child will have to answer to that name for the rest of his or her life. Or your child will hate the name and decide to answer to something else, which is maybe the ultimate slap in the face, right? Because basically they’re tell you that you done screwed up.

Way to go, mom.

We’ve all heard some real doozies. Names that force us to keep a straight face but the minute the parent is gone we shake our head in bewilderment. Why would a parent do that to a child? Beats me.

Humorist Mark C. Miller over at the Huffington Post is apparently wondering what a lot of parents are thinking too. He linked to an article from a list of the Top 10 Baby Names Guaranteed To Get Your Kid Beaten Up.

He jokingly posted ten names that earn kids playground beatings more than any other names. Miller says “If new parents care about their children’s safety and well-being, they are advised to avoid naming their babies any of the following:

PRECIOUS – Any name that’s a compliment, especially a delicate one, is practically holding up a sign saying “I dare you to hit me.

TUCKER – Stay away from names that obviously rhyme with curse words that could be used against your child.

HARRY – Especially if the child’s last name is Cox, Beaver, or Peters.

DICK – Avoid giving your children a slang name for male or female genitalia.

ROSEPETAL HUMMINGBIRD – Your Hippy brain of spiritual wonder doesn’t play with today’s first graders.

So those are five names off Mark’s list. For all ten you’ll have to click on over to the Huffington Post.

For kicks I asked my Facebook friends for any bizarre names they’ve heard. As Miller says, parents should “exercise common sense in order to avoid playground trouble.”  Sounds like a lot of folks aren’t exercising any kind of sense at all.

Mande Brumley-Turney says she recently met a woman who named her daughter Queen. Oh man, parents! Michael Jackson was the “king of pop” for crying out loud, and even he couldn’t get away with naming his kid Prince.

If you think Mark Miller’s list was silly, think again. Lori Garcia, known around Babble as “Mommyfriend” went to school with a Harrison (aka Harry) Weiner. True story. Parents, remember to think of all possible nicknames and how they might potentially sound with your last name. Another case last names can lead to trouble is with a boy I know named Michael Hunt. That’s not so bad but try saying Mike Hunt out loud a couple times and see if you still think it’s a good name. Or heed Megan Beckstrom’s warning. She says she went to school with a Ben Dover. You can imagine how well that went over with classmates.

Still another example of why the name Harold should be retired comes from Melissa Hunziker: “A high school friend of mine was named Harold Richard, and though he went by Rick, he would always introduce himself as Harry Dick, and then to the looks of shock, would answer, No seriously, my parents named me Harold Richard. Good times.”

Sometimes names are perfectly lovely but are just, well, they’re taken. Belinda Simes knows a couple who named their kid Michael Jackson. Come on mom and dad. That name is done. No more. There shall be no more Michael Jacksons. Do I need to explain why Elvis Presley doesn’t work as well?

Gina Morrone swears her sister knows a little girl named Aquanette. Listen people. Hair products are also off limits. Do not name your son Paul Mitchell. He will not appreciate it, trust me!

Shawna Weaver, mother of three strapping young lads, says she went to school with a girl named Bimbo Jane. Come on! Isn’t that just setting your daughter up for failure?

Keith Mason is a parent on the ball, I tell you what. He said, “I was gonna call my son Nathan. Nathan Mason. Fine, until we worked out that he may have a lisp!” Good call Keith! Way to think ahead!

The moral of the story here is this: Like Keith Mason, think of all possible nicknames that can be derived from your name of choice and match them with your last name. Say it out loud several times. Do it! Also, think of every word that rhymes with the name of your dreams. If you do that but you still want to call your kid Tucker, that’s your business. Well, your business and all the other kids on the playground who will make it their business.

Image: Flickr.com/JackFussel

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