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Negative Pregnancy Test #4 + What Happens Next

Negative Pregnancy Test #4 + What Happens Next

I wanted to name this post FML.

I really did. The disappointment is exhausting, and I’m getting more and more numb to the sadness of finding out I’m not pregnant. My eyes swelled with tears today when I got the news, but I didn’t actually cry this time.

I fibbed to everyone including my wife that my pregnancy test was tomorrow, when it was actually today. I had planned this great big surprise to share the good news. But there’s no good news. Just more of the same: I’m not pregnant.

I fibbed to everyone including my wife that my pregnancy test was tomorrow, when it was actually today. I had planned this great big surprise to share the good news. But there’s no good news. Just more of the same: I’m not pregnant.

I had told a few people that I thought I was pregnant, but that I was hesitant to even say that because there was another time when I swore I was pregnant and it turned out I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be that crazy lady who keeps dreaming herself pregnant, who keeps wanting it so badly that I actually convince myself that I am. But, that’s me.

With each negative result, my story changes. This isn’t easy for a self-admitted control freak. I’m supposed to be the writer of this story, damn it. Not you, Failed Cycle After Failed Cycle.

Except, I’m not. I have virtually no control over this. Sure, I decide how many embryos to transfer, what to eat to boost my chances, and when and how I share the (always) bad news. But that’s where my hand in this ends.

With each negative result, I miss my twins more and more. Why the hell couldn’t I have just made it through that pregnancy with them?? Why did my water have to break at 17 weeks?? My babies would be 5 months old if I hadn’t lost them.

But keep at it, they say. Don’t give up, they say. Stay positive, they say.

Because my last FET cycle used our last two embryos, I’ll have to do a full, fresh IVF cycle next. This is a lot more involved than the FETs are, and it means I’ll have to undergo another egg retrieval which is invasive, and my most disliked part of all of this. Since my wife is currently living elsewhere for business, I’ll have to go to this appointment without her.

Because I had gotten pregnant with the twins last September, we never ordered more sperm: I was pregnant, and we still had embryos frozen. Our cryobank has strict regulations on the number of vials they will accept from a donor, and they no longer offer his sperm. We have enough sperm for one more cycle, but now we must decide if we want to continue with this sperm. We have considered using my wife’s eggs for our second child, and had planned to use the same sperm for all of our children. But now there is only enough for my next cycle or a potential cycle with her in the future.

Something in the plan needs to change now. We need to make some serious decisions. Again.

In addition to this, my insurance covers these services (we are blessed, I know) but caps them at a certain dollar amount. Each failed cycle gets us closer to that amount, and closer to the likelihood that we won’t become mothers at least not through fertility treatments.

So that’s where we’re at. Exhausted. Sad. And still childless.

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Original Photo: iStockphoto

Read more of Aela’s writing on Babble and at Two Moms Make a Right

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MORE ON BABBLE:
5th IVF + What We Decided to do With Our Last 2 Embryos

The Importance of a Good Fertility Center
Practically Impossible to Get Pregnant After 5 Failed IVF Cycles, So Says Report

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