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New Zodiac Sign Dates: Opiuchus? Girl, Please

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WHAT? My son is now likely going to be an Aquarius and not a Pisces? I am devastated. DEVASTATED, I tell you! Because I totally had mapped out his life course based on his element being water and his sign being the fish! And Serge? Serge hasn’t left his room for hours, because, you know, they were going to fish together and, and, and… now? All is lost! We’ve all been living a lie!

Astrology ain’t my bag.  And I’m not a skeptic, just snarky. Seriously! Ever watch Lisa Williams?  Where she supposedly contacts the dead and then tells the living folks that they’re okay and all that?  I want that to be true SO MUCH.

Astrology is really the basis for all these fortune teller types, right? The mediums, the clairvoyants, psychics… whatever term they’re going by.  Because the first thing you’re supposed to tell them is your birthday. So doesn’t this new arrangement of astrological signs reveal them as fakes? If they’ve been reading your palm, or whatever, and then telling you what’s going to happen, it’s all wrong because they’ve been working from the wrong sign? Am I understanding this correctly?

And does this also this mean that all those people always talking about how they are SO TOTALLY a Sagittarius should now hang their heads in shame? Because I might enjoy that. Also, bummer about that tattoo of your zodiac sign you got on your lower back.

The big question is this: how do the new Zodiac Signs work? I have yet to see an answer. Do they immediately apply to everyone or just newborns? Thank God this was revealed before my February due date. But about the rest of us? Do we all just switch? You know, 3-2-1 SWITCH! Or stay with our old sign? The chaos!

The apocalypse must really be nigh! I’m just saying, y’all, I see a bad moon rising.

For a list of the Zodiac Sign Changes click here.

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