Nipples and Areolas and Montgomery's Tubercles! Oh My!
Photo:15000yen/Flickr/GettyImages
Nipples like Tootsie Rolls. Areolas the size of dinner plates. Seriously. I’m talking you could eat Grandma’s pot roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and green beans offa these bad boys.
The boobs, they’re horrifying.
Areolas gaining ground like Sherman’s march across Atlanta. The voluptuousness is embarrassing. I try to strap it down, bind it up with durable material but I feel like some overly-sexed under-dressed porn star. Except instead of peekaboo lingerie I’m waddling around in a muumuu, extra large, and a utilitarian big girl bra built for Serious Business that does not include sex.
Help.
Do you get these? The blue veins that criss-cross your bounteous bosom and creep up your neck like the lines indicating rivers on a map? If my chest is a map of the U.S. it is definitely the Finger Lakes region.
I did a little internet research as I am wont to do from time to time and I read up on the larger, darker nipple phenomenon. And hey! As if the canyon of your deepening cleavage isn’t enough, how about a little something the experts like to call Montgomery’s tubercles? Doesn’t that sound nice?
Apparently Montgomery’s tubercles are the little bumps on your areolas. You know the ones. The bumps, according to the aforementioned experts, are oil-producing glands that help fight off bacteria and lubricate the skin. They say the number of bumps varies from person to person but is in the range of 4-28. That’s quite a range of tubercles.
Also. Who is this perverted Montgomery fella and why would he want the tubercles named after himself? Seriously, tubercles? That may be the new worst word in the world, even before moist.
Moist tubercles.
I just threw up in my mouth a tiny bit.
So yeah. There are the veins. And the Tootsie Roll nipples. And the dinner plate areolas. And the Tubercles. Montgomery’s tubercles, to be precise. They aren’t your tubercles! They’re Montgomery’s!
Hell. As far as I’m concerned, he can have ‘em.
Look on the bright side, tootsie roll nipples mean you don’t have flat nipples which means breastfeeding should be easier.
Oh man, I laughed so hard at this. HEE. I was super super self-conscious about my post-partum HUGE ASS PORN RACK (it was huge for me, anyway, since I’m usually an A-cup), and I was convinced my massive-ass nipples would never shrink back to normal. Happy to report I was wrong, and I am back to the land of not having to wear a bra if I don’t feel like it. The weather’s lovely here.
Yeah, my fellas went back to normal after Violet was born and I stopped breastfeeding but MY GOD, the chest situation right now is alarming.
I’m usually a D, up to a DD+ during my pregnancy. Ugh. I thought they were big before.
And don’t even get me started on the blue veins! Ugh!!
Oh my goodness. I’m so glad I found this website and these blogs. My friend told me all about pregnancy and how wonderful it was and how great you feel, etc, etc, etc. She didn’t bother to mention the disturbing dinner plate areolas and WHAT COLOUR THEY WOULD BE! And she may appreciate going from her A-cup to a C-cup, but let me tell ya, I started with double Ds. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me for being disturbed with all these bizzare changes. I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds “the most natural thing in the world” a little shocking. Thanks ladies. (But, they’re going to be pink again some day, right???)