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Nipples and Areolas and Montgomery's Tubercles! Oh My!

Photo:15000yen/Flickr/GettyImages

Nipples like Tootsie Rolls.  Areolas the size of dinner plates.  Seriously.  I’m talking you could eat Grandma’s pot roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and green beans offa these bad boys.

The boobs, they’re horrifying.

Areolas gaining ground like Sherman’s march across Atlanta.  The voluptuousness is embarrassing.  I try to strap it down, bind it up with durable material but I feel like some overly-sexed under-dressed porn star.  Except instead of peekaboo lingerie I’m waddling around in a muumuu, extra large, and a utilitarian big girl bra built for Serious Business that does not include sex.

Help.

Do you get these?  The blue veins that criss-cross your bounteous bosom and creep up your neck like the lines indicating rivers on a map?  If my chest is a map of the U.S. it is definitely the Finger Lakes region.

I did a little internet research as I am won’t to do from time to time and I read up on the larger, darker nipple phenomenon.  And hey!  As if the canyon of your deepening cleavage isn’t enough, how about a little something the experts like to call Montgomery’s tubercles?  Doesn’t that sound nice?

Apparently Montgomery’s tubercles are the little bumps on your areolas.  You know the ones.  The bumps, according to the aforementioned experts, are oil-producing glands that help fight off bacteria and lubricate the skin.  They say the number of bumps varies from person to person but is in the range of 4-28.  That’s quite a range of tubercles.

Also.  Who is this perverted Montgomery fella and why would he want the tubercles named after himself?  Seriously, tubercles? That may be the new worst word in the world, even before moist.

Moist tubercles.

I just threw up in my mouth a tiny bit.

So yeah.  There are the veins.  And the Tootsie Roll nipples.  And the dinner plate areolas.  And the Tubercles.  Montgomery’s tubercles, to be precise.  They aren’t your tubercles!  They’re Montgomery’s!

Hell.  As far as I’m concerned, he can have ‘em.

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