No, I Don't Really Get Why You Chose That
I respect other mothers' right to choose...but no, I don't really understand
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve shared a lot of different choices that I’ve made and the reasons why I’ve made them: why I love water birth, why I’m not circumcising this baby, why I don’t vaccinate, why I need to breastfeed, and more.
Some of the commenters on those articles said something along these lines to me: “Well, you say ‘to each his own’ but you don’t really mean it. You clearly think your choice is the best one.”
Well, that, frankly, left me dumbfounded. Yes, I do think my choice is best! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have made it! I don’t know you. I don’t walk in your shoes. I can’t walk in your shoes. And although I completely do respect your right to choose what is best for you and your family…no, I don’t really get why you chose what you did.
Let’s just all be honest, here. Many of us do — at least in theory, in the way we speak and try to react — support others’ right to make the choices that are right for them. Because we do not and cannot understand their circumstances, and we don’t want them to judge us for the choices we’ve made under our circumstances, right? Stands to reason that we also must afford the same non-judgmental attitude to others, too.
But really? Who hasn’t read or heard something another has done, and their immediate reaction was, “That’s dumb!” Doesn’t mean you say any such thing, but I’m pretty sure every single person has thought that at one time or another. Maybe you even have to continually remind yourself, after thinking “that’s dumb” that you don’t know their circumstances, before you actually open your mouth. Or not, as we’ve seen plenty of people who will simply ‘call it like they see it’ here.
All of us are passionate about our choices. All of us are doing what we think is best. So yeah, I think what I’m doing is best. Yeah, I wonder sometimes why other people make the choices that they do, and sometimes even if maybe something else might have been better. I typically just don’t say it, though.
I certainly don’t know how to blog without sharing my opinion. You all do realize what a blog is, right? A place for us bloggers to share our thoughts, feelings, opinions, choices, interesting tidbits we’ve come across. It’s not a “professional publication.” It’s not a magazine, where we’re assigned topics well in advance, prepare well-written and well-researched articles, get checked by editors, and then present careful and well-balanced pieces. Umm, no, that’s not what a blog is about. A blog is a place for bloggers to share their thoughts on any number of subjects (and no, the editors don’t approve our work before publication).
That being the point of a blog — to share my thoughts — I do so. And no matter how much I say, “To each his own,” and intellectually really mean it — sure, it’s clearly going to come across that I prefer my own choice or opinion! Can any of you honestly say that you prefer another’s choice to your own? No, because if you did, you’d make a different choice, right?
Yes, there will always be parenting choices that absolutely baffle me. Choices I could never make for myself. Choices that, maybe, I even really dislike. That just makes me human. I can’t help what I think. I can only help what I say, how I react. And so there will be plenty of times that I simply smile and nod, because nothing I say is going to be very helpful at that moment. That’s okay — my mother always taught me, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Can you honestly say that you’ve never had a “what-was-she-thinking” moment? Or do you sometimes honestly wonder what other moms are doing?
Top image by surlygirl
I think there’s a telling statement here: “All of us are passionate about our choices.”
One thing I’ve found out during this, my first pregnancy, is that there are whole communities of parents and parents-to-be out there for whom the above statement does apply, and it’s obvious that you (and many of the bloggers here) are one of those parents. Totally fine by me! But I have realized through this process that I’m not. There are some things I care about more than others with regards to pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, but there are many other issues where I read what very opinionated folks write, and can very clearly distinguish that I just don’t care as much as they do. I will do, as you say, what I think is right for my child when the situation comes up, but to answer your question, I do think that those decisions that my partner and I make for our child are not going to be the best decisions for every other set of parents and child. So I do think it’s possible to say, for example, that I’m pro-breastfeeding, but will accept it if it just doesn’t work for us, and along those same lines, I have NO opinion as to whether other mothers should breastfeed.
I don’t feel that way about everything, and there are decisions that others make that I think are totally dumb and I’m totally judgmental about (i.e., I think child beauty pageants and child modeling are a bad idea. I’m going to go with almost always on that.), BUT for most of the issues that are very hot-button in the pregnancy/childbirth/parenting world — I’m just not that passionate to think that whatever choice we choose to make is going to also be the best choice for others. Does that make sense?
Half of your blog posts are reactionary. They are rebuttals to comments. I can always tell by the title which ones are yours.
You said, “And although I completely do respect your right to choose what is best for you and your family…no, I don’t really get why you chose what you did.” That means you are incapable of seeing any point of view other than your own. So, you can talk about respecting people all you want, but what you really mean to say is, “I see you have another decision, but it is wrong, and I have no idea why you would not be exactly like me.”
It’s kind of scary that you see the world so black and white. My way=the only choice. That’s not how most human beings feel about each other. We can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. We can see that situations differ, and therefore choices do too. Except in cases of deviant behavior, most normal people can see that there are many paths to the same goal. That is respect.
Of course we respect the right for everyone to make their own choices, and we all makes our based on what we see is the best for the time/situation. But it’s okay to say, and believe, that some choices lead to better outcomes then others, there are better ways then other ways, and not every choice is equal.
Some people make choices that seem better for that very moment and will be detrimental long term, other people are better at seeing long term/big picture and making choices that way, but might have a tougher road RIGHT NOW, and everything in between those two. Some people lack information and/or education about topics and make ill-informed choices, other people over research and end up with decisions they can’t own because they made a choice that doesn’t stand true to what they believe.
Rosstwinmom,
You’ve missed the point. The point is, I don’t fully know anyone else’s circumstances and I don’t walk in their shoes, so I don’t completely understand their choices. I understand that they need to make different ones, but I just don’t know enough about their situation to REALLY, truly understand it. Just like others don’t really, truly understand why I choose what I do. None of us can ever completely “get it” because we’re not there. That doesn’t mean we don’t believe they are doing their best, that they need to make certain (different) choices, or that we don’t respect that fact.
I often feel like my choices aren’t right for someone else, we all have different circumstances and it’s not really that hard for me to consider how disposable diapers may be a better choice for some parents, or why a hospital birth may be the right choice for others (although it isn’t my choice), I also get that being a SAHM is a good choice for many moms, although it isn’t the right choice for our family. I don’t have any problem putting myself in others shoes and fully understanding how their choices were the best for them ( and that MY choices likely wouldn’t have worked for them). I think many people are like me and have no trouble with this.
It’s hard not to feel passionately about our choices, especially ones that we’ve put a lot of time and effort into. I also completely understand not caring about certain choices to the extent that others do.
I sometimes find it very hard to understand another person’s choice when they choose the opposite of what we know to be true: for instance (using a non-related example) smoking. We all know smoking is harmful to yourself and those around you yet people choose to smoke that first cigarette. Even if I don’t understand something that doesn’t mean I don’t respect it. Smoke all you want, just don’t blow it in my food at a restaurant. I know plenty of people who feel that way about breastfeeding (feed your baby whenever you want but I don’t want to see your boobs). I may not understand why they’re offended by public breastfeeding, but I keep my boobs under wrap in respect to them.
It’s called empathy. And it’s something we should all try to feel.
A blog might well be a place for you to ” share your thoughts” but it is absolutely irresponsible for you to present any content as fact without the research and, well, facts, to back it up. That’s part of the reason a science editor would be helpful on this site. And I beg to differ that this is not a “professional publication.” You are getting paid to write in this space, right?
Your choices are yours alone. But you can’t write about them on a website and then get defensive and bent when people challenge them.
From the High School English teacher in me: It is your tone. It isn’t what you say, it is how you say it.
Okay so I totally get this, but I also understand why people don’t. The root of the issue with why moms are so at odds over these issues (or turning away from the discussion completely) is that we’re all very much opposed to ever identifying what the “ideal” is with respect to child-rearing, making us, of necessity, lapse over into simply figuring out what the ideal is “for me” or “for our family” which shuts out the larger conversation. But is there an ideal? Is there such a thing as “best” with respect to all these topics (pregnancy, nuturition, parenting, childcare, etc.)? I think I have always approached these topics with an eye toward educating myself in order to figure out what would be “ideal” with respect to my child, while also knowing that in some cases that ideal is going to be impossible for me. This is not to say that just because I can’t or don’t do it that way, that it doesn’t exist or that it’s not important, only that I don’t do it that way for my own personal and family reasons. So to some degree I understand what you’re saying here, or at least I understand my version of it. The question is, if there is a “best” way (and I, personally, think that in most cases there is a “best” way even if it happens to be unattainable or unmanageable for me) can we acknowledge it, recognize that we’re making a different choice without belittling the value of (whatever it is), and let the defensiveness go? Can we also acknowledge that sometimes “best” for me and “best” for the baby are at odds with one another? And in those cases, when your hand is forced and someone is going to lose out, can we just say it, can we stop diluting the essense of the problem with “it’s what’s best for our family” and come right out and speak the truth? Sometimes a choice sucks, but that’s the way it has to be.
Kathryn, Jojo and Abby–
Yes! Thank you. Those are the clearer thoughts that I was reaching for.
I don’t use this word lightly–or often ( not since 9th grade English papers on the Greeks anyway), but, Kate, what irks me about your post is the hubris. Your Passionate positions on home birth and vaccines and health care all come from the privilege of not having medical issues or needing medical care to save your life — or your kids’ lives. And your unchecked confidence feels like it’s on a collision course with disaster. Being anti-vaccine and anti-doctor puts you at a high risk for the kind of “I told you so” moment no mother should face (by her own doing). Reading your posts is always like watching somebody play with fire–which helps explain all the fireworks… You don’t ingratiate yourself in any way to your readers or fellow bloggers and while you and I do share some view points and decisions–as I’m sure you do with many mothers–your passion seems to be more about being contrarian than about building community or even supporting women to make their own passionate decisions.
What I find most amusing is that some of you are saying you have absolutely no trouble looking at other women and completely understanding why they do/need to make different choices…while questioning MY choices and not understanding at all why I make them. Hmm….
K. Annie — Do you know how many times I’ve heard that? From so many different people who don’t know me and don’t really know why I’ve made the choices I have? I’m also not anti-doctor; I just don’t see them unless I trust them and I need them. But thanks for entirely proving my point here.
It’s not that people aren’t willing to see your side of things–like I said, you and I have made many of the same decisions–it’s that I’m not going to be bullied into judging women who haven’t–because you want that to be “normal.” I’ll judge you, yes, because unchecked confidence and irrationality and greek-level hurbis are not parenting decisions (though yours is clearly tied to some). I’m not going to say you need to get off your high horse…(though you do), but I want you to know that even high horse are wild and can buck and throw you. Perhaps you are hanging so tightly to the reins for that very reason…
Kate, you get upset with commenters for responding to your blog posts, you feel judged when people question your choices…Call me crazy, but maybe it’s time for you to NOT be a blogger anymore…
I think the reason that so many respond in a negative way to what you have to say is that they see a hint of reason in everything you post and might be bothered by the fact that they just don’t care enough to not conform to society’s idea of what’s normal and “best” for mom and baby. instead, they go through the process totally assuming that if they don’t do “x, y and z” like their doctor recommended bad things will happen. in all reality, i’ve found, that those who truly educate themselves will more often than not come to the same conclusions that you have. this is why i love reading what you write and i appreciate that you are so bold to stand up and say what you really feel in spite of the negativity that fires your way because of it.
Naomi wrote a great post in Baby’s first year called “to all the single mamas, I heard you.”. When her previous posts were possibly misinterpreted and found offensive, she responded in a thoughtful manner and tried to see the other side of the coin, as it were. Often times, when you respond to comments that might differ from your own opinion, you come across as accusatory and overly defensive. We don’t know you in real life (we don’t know Naomi either, by the way) but your posts and reactions to comments are how you represent yourself to us. It sends a very clear message to your readers and the message is often very off-putting. We all know you think your choices are better than anyone else. I’m happy to admit that I have aLOT of respect for you for finding time to make your own salves, not taking shortcuts and living like a modern frontiersman all while finding the time and energy to raise two small children, be big pregnant and still blog prolifically. it’s amazing. But it’s not a realistic ideal for most of us.
“You don’t ingratiate yourself in any way to your readers or fellow bloggers and while you and I do share some view points and decisions–as I’m sure you do with many mothers–your passion seems to be more about being contrarian than about building community or even supporting women to make their own passionate decisions. “.
Well said, K. Annie.
Katy,
I don’t think it is, either. And it’s really not my goal to convince anyone that my lifestyle is “better” or that they should change the way they live at all. Truthfully, my goal is to simply expose a new audience to a different way of thinking. It’s hard and I’m sure it comes off as…hmm…well, not that well, let’s say, sometimes. It’s a real struggle to be strong enough in my own convictions (knowing, when I put it out there, that I’m going to find a LOT of disagreement and probably even animosity) without seeming that I’m pushing them on others. On one side, I’m ‘not strong enough’ and then I melt under the pressure that I face from the opposition. On the other, I’m too strong and people feel that I’m forcing things on them. I know I can’t win when I’m speaking to an unfamiliar and generally different audience. So yes, I’m sure that’s why I appear, at times, to be unsympathetic. I have to be very strong in my own convictions — for myself, truly — in order to handle writing for a mainstream site. Often times I’m not even sure it’s worth the stress that it often causes me.
Kate, you absolutely CAN win when speaking to an unfamiliar audience. It’s all in how you say it! The way you approach your issues is very “black and white.” It seems that you have everything figured out, which is impossible for someone twice your age with twice the education. Acknowledge that there are shades of gray in everything. Maybe try to inject some humor and joy in your writing, along with a healthy amount of self-depreciation. You would certainly gain a larger readership and lose some of the animosity you’re currently encountering.
If you can never truly “get” why anyone else makes the choices that they do, why do you bother spending so much time explaining and defending your choices to us? By the same logic we will never get why you make your choices.
I have gone back and forth over writing something so many times. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire and I get nervous around confrontation – even if it is through the anonymity of the internet.
I think it is important to remain strong in your convictions; however, as previous posters have said, it is all in how you say it. I read your post on doctors with great interest. The same arrogance and stubborn certainty you seemed to dislike in (some) doctors is the same same arrogance and stubborn certainty that I see come across in your posts. I doubt that it is intentional, but that is what I sense reading your posts.
Being a parent is not easy. Most of us work hard to do what is best for our children. We research and doubt ourselves and make informed choices and sometimes change our minds. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t think I am supposed to – I don’t think anyone is supposed to. Parenting is humbling and I don’t feel any of that humility when I am exposed to your writing.
The funny thing is, most “mainstream” parents make many of the same choices you do. I practice co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding. I do vaccinate, but we travel abroad extensively. I gave birth without medication, just in a hospital setting. We are not all that different, but you seem to want to emphasize this huge divide and I cannot figure out why you are so intent on spotlighting the differences instead of fostering healthy and open dialogue?
You just seem dismissive of so many of your readers. You get these negative reactions from so many of your posts. However, instead of turning inward and contemplating whether your tone is alienating your readers, you turn outward and attack them.
It is upsetting because I am interested in hearing your thoughts, but, oftentimes, I cannot get past what feels like your condescension.
I hope this wasn’t too harsh or critical.
I will back up those who have said that you really ought to work on your tone and writing style.
This isn’t a professional publication? Nobody’s getting paid here to produce work that meets a certain standard of quality or credibility?
@ M, you hit the nail on the head! Kate, you may make different choices than the rest of us, but that’s normal! You aren’t weird or unique for having your own views and opinions, although your views and opinions are what make you unique (did that make sense?). You’re absolutely right that we make the choices we feel are best and if others disagree with those choices then they are free to make their own with their own children. I feel like you’re being reactionary with a small minority of trouble starters and in the end you’re alienating the majority of your readers who enjoy your writing (including this reader). Stick to writing about your unique approach to pregnancy and parenting. If a small number of people don’t like it or agree with it, screw ‘em!
I’m obviously not trying to alienate anyone. I think what appears as reactionary or condescenion is really my own insecurities over what is said…or might be said. And to be honest I wrote this right after reading several extremely rude comments…many that weren’t even on my own posts, but talked about me anyway! Perhaps not the best decision. I know that. And believe me, I agonize over it. I discuss constantly with my friends and family, “How do I come off? Why do people react this way? What should I do about it?” Appearing confident is important to me, and my downfall (just ask my husband…sometimes he hates it too). But that’s my issue…and although I’m never intending to be rude, and I’m constantly working at doing better, it will, at times, simply come with who I am. Especially if I am facing a rough time. I can only work to do better.
I also agree that M said it well. You can have your opinions on things, and of course you think your way is best – that’s why you chose it. However, despite the fact you feel you do respect other’s choices, that does not come across in your posts. You need to work on your tone, and that’s just a writing thing. There are many, many other bloggers who write about similar parenting topics and yet they manage to do it with a tone that is more respectful and less judgmental than your posts. Blogging is a place to share your opinion, but this isn’t just your blog. I think there is a big difference in writing responsibility when your thoughts are being posted on a site such as this. Don’t be so naive as to think that when you post as a columnist on other blogs that you don’t have a greater responsibility to pay attention to what you are saying. Additionally, and this is just my opinion, by continually commenting on people’s comments you just come across as defensive. Personally, I don’t believe blog writers should be commenting on the comments. You said what you wanted to say in your post. To go back to defending it over and over again in the comments frankly comes across as just a bit immature.
Isn’t there some unspoken rule (or perhaps it is spoken?) that the blogger does not continue to comment, or in your case Kate because of the hostile tone of your posts, continually defend your post? You had your turn. This is baffling to me. If you are confident in your views and opinions, then leave it alone. You don’t have to get the last word.
K. Annie…your comment was so on point. “your passion seems to be more about being contrarian than about building community or even supporting women to make their own passionate decisions.” Kate, even when I agree with your opinions, you make me want to disagree with you. We get it. You are NOT mainstream. You are counter-culture. You go against the grain. You are not a “cool” mom–this post was especially baffling to me. Why the constant division and labeling? I’m disappointed in Babble for supporting this type of dialogue and it has nothing to do with whether or not I agree with your choices.
It is very evident that you are a loving and giving mother, however I’m concerned that you are hindering yourself from spreading your knowledge to others. I’m writing this comment as simply as my name states, a concerned educator. I have a college degree in biology and hold teaching certifications in multiple states. I’m saying this in hopes it will allow you to better understand why my comments should be trusted. Many times people spot one post (or even 1 line of a post) on the Internet and run with it. Because of this, everyone must be careful as to what they post, because as you have found with some of your postings, it can be passed on very quickly to a wide audience in a twisted manner. It is also important to back up any findings with your sources. As I teach my students, and as all researchers do when they publish, simply include a “works cited” for any post where you mention findings or research. I understand that you are trying to spread your knowledge and by providing something as simple as the links to your research, that can only serve to help. Also, as several others have mentioned in this very comments section, wording is everything. By simply rewording something it can change your tone to create whole new meanings. If you try some of these things I mentioned, as well as truly listening to your comments section, I’m sure you will find you can spend more of your time spreading your knowledge and less of it defending yourself. You have so much knowledge to spread, I hope you take some of these positive ideas to heart.
Well Kate, I pretty much got what you were saying. Right on.
As a guy stumbling across this (my wife left it up), it seems there are a lot of complaining women here (in the comments) who just refuse to digest the plain meaning of what was written… instead holding to the high and mighty position of critic (does it feel nice up there on the high horse? How’s the breeze?).
“Oh I don’t judge”… ? Really?! I have yet to meet a single person who has achieved non-judgementalism (hate to break it you.. but Jesus was/is the ultimate Judge.. don’t whip out that trite Bible passage if you don’t know what it means). Certainly not in this group of commenters. One can respect the gumption that dishes out straight crass disagreement at least, but save the velvet daggers of criticism cloaked as “friendly advice”….
Here’s my 2 cents of judgment (from a guy’s POV.. of course): Don’t like the opinion of someone else? Say so (plainly) and have thick skin (with perhaps a dash of grace) when they don’t like your opinion back. If you can’t do that, stay off the internet. It’s too rough for you.
I am rather late to this conversation but after reading all the comments there were only three of them that I agreed with. I understand everyone’s nitpicking of how the author comes across. I agree that tact is something that is helpful when trying to convince an audience of your position. I also agree that coming off as defensive just puts everyone else on the offensive. But most of you have the biggest problem with the fact that she, at times, seems to imply that her way is best. Well, as one poster said that I completely agree with, there IS a best way to do things. There is truth, even if this world has decided it doesn’t exist. There is a right way to do things. There are “black and white” decisions. Just because your lifestyle may not accommodate truth doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. What I find more obnoxious is when I read all these posts or tips from other writers who give advice but then backpedal and say “but if that doesn’t work for you thats ok.” What we need less of in this world is people telling us that whatever we choose to do is ok. There are terrible things we choose to do all the time but just because they aren’t illegal, no one is allowed to hold a finger to your choice and say “bad girl.” Someone needs to be bold and say “this IS the best way, whether you like it or not.” Granted, there are plenty of things that can end up in the “gray” zone. But there are plenty of decisions that shouldn’t.
@Joe – THANK YOU for pointing out how awfully misquoted and misinterpreted that verse about not judging is. And for that matter any other time a person quotes the Bible who doesn’t really understand it and who is quoting out of context. Don’t use a verse against someone if you haven’t really studied it in context, you will just end up sounding ignorant.