Pregnancy Confession: I’m Terrified to Have This Baby

1527891_10104027635078863_1959277493_n“It’s just a waiting game at this point.”

Those were the words my doctor said to me this afternoon as I left my weekly appointment.

I am 35 1/2 weeks today. Our little guy’s head is all the way down and I’ve already started to dilate–all signs that labor could happen at any time. My daughters came early, so we expect our first son to do the same. Although this will be the birth of our third child, my doctor gave me the rundown on what to look for and when to call in the case that I do happen to go into labor.

I’ve waited nine long months for my baby boy to arrive. He was a big surprise for our family, but it was one of the best surprises that we could have ever asked for. His birth will bring big changes–changes that probably wouldn’t have happened without us expecting his arrival.

I was getting my daughters ready to go with me to my doctor’s appointment today. Usually, I only bring one of them to the appointment with me because it is less hectic with one, but with my oldest still out of school for winter break, I had to bring both of them. We were running late and they weren’t being as cooperative about getting ready and out the door as I would have liked. Living in New York City during the winter, you have to add on at least 15 minutes to the time it takes to get out of the door because of all of the winter gear. With myself and the two girls, it takes a while.

As we rushed into the elevator to catch a cab, I had my youngest in my arms and my oldest holding my hand. It was then that I had a sudden rush of thoughts and emotions come to me.

How am I going to do this with three kids?

Something as simple as getting to a doctor’s appointment nearly had me in tears because it took so much time and effort to get out of the house. Both of my hands were taken by the girls, how would the baby tag along, too?

Don’t get me wrong, I could not be happier to have our son enter into our lives. He is a blessing that our family is thrilled to welcome.  But deep down inside I am completely terrified. I thought that already having two kids would take all of those fears away. And perhaps these feelings have been here all along, I’ve just been too busy to really sit down and evaluate them.

When our third child comes into our lives, our entire world will change. A flood of questions come into my head as I think about his arrival.

Will I have enough time to spend alone time with the girls’ ? How will I have enough energy to take care of a newborn, a toddler and a preschooler during the day? How will I get around the city with three small kids? Will the girls adjust OK to having a baby in the house?

It’s all of these unknowns that leave me scared and uneasy. My heart and my gut are telling me that this is all normal and things will fall into place just the way that they should and have in the past. A large part of me believes that, but there is this small percentage that is completely fearful of having this child. And with just weeks away from his arrival, that’s not a place I want to be.

More from Lauren on Babble:

Read more from Lauren at her personal blog, A Mommy in the City, where she chronicles her life living in New York City with a suburban mentality. For more updates, follow Lauren on FacebookTwitterPinterest, and Instagram!

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