The Not So Happy Accident: I wish I wasn’t pregnant. By Keri Fisher for Babble.com
I wish I wasn't pregnant.
“I hate to be the one to lay something so heavy on you,” the ultrasound technician began. “But it looks like you’re pregnant.”
Pregnant? Impossible. I was on Depo-Provera, the wonder drug, injectible birth control you only have to take four times per year. No periods, no hassle. After a year on it, I was in love. Or rather, up until that moment I was.
I had had some minor bleeding the day before. “It sounds like nothing,” my doctor said. “But why don’t you come in for an ultrasound and we’ll take a look.”
“This couldn’t be an early miscarriage, could it?”
“Oh, no,” she assured me. “No birth control is one hundred percent, but Depo is pretty close.” How close? According to the web site: 99.7 percent.
I lay on the table, shaking. Despite my earlier miscarriage question, I never really considered the possibility I might be pregnant. Grapefruit-sized tumor, sure. Benign cyst? Possibly. But pregnant? On almost-one-hundred-percent-reliable Depo? Never.
I thought back to my initial miscarriage question. “Is there a heartbeat?”
“Yes, there’s a heartbeat.”
She sent me out to the waiting room so she could take measurements from the pictures, and I sat and wept alone as the lone other couple in the waiting room watched me nervously. They were pregnant. They probably assumed I was crying because I wasn’t.
I was still shaking when I went back to see the nurse practitioner, who eyed me nervously and asked what I wanted to do. She knew nothing about me. I could’ve been unemployed and single. Pregnant from an extramarital fling.
I was none of those things. I was married, two wonderful sons, fairly young and fairly stable. I had no reason not to keep this baby. Except, of course, that I didn’t want it. I didn’t say that, however. I just looked at her evenly and said, “I’m okay,” even though I clearly wasn’t.
Reassured, the nurse read from my file, “Well, it looks like you’re seventeen weeks along . . .”
Seventeen weeks. Four months. I was four months pregnant and hadn’t known it. I was one of those women I always mocked when you read about them in tabloids.
The next few weeks were a slow blur. According to the measurements, I had received two Depo injections since conceiving the baby. No one knew, however, what Depo could do to a fetus. I was referred to a specialist, who of course couldn’t see me for two weeks because of the Christmas holidays. I felt frozen in time, fearing something was horribly wrong, and if so, wondering if I’d ever be able to abort a four-and-a-half-month-old fetus.
I didn’t have to worry. Ironically, Depo is about the best thing you can be on while pregnant. It’s pure progesterone, which is often given to pregnant women to help maintain a pregnancy. My ultrasound looked good, the fetus was exactly where it ought to be, and it was a girl. After my younger son Ronan was born, I had resigned myself to life without pigtails and prom dresses. But there she was.
My mom told me you always regret the children you did not have but never regret the ones you did have. I remember getting my dream job after grad school and during the first week took a pregnancy test on a whim in teh company toilet during lunch. That line popped right up. I sat in there for 30 minutes flipping out. I almost felt ashamed for getting pregnant. Happily, I quit taht stinking job 2 months later and had that sweet baby. I made my choice. Once you have her though, get those tubes tied!
Thank you for having the guts to discuss a “taboo” parenting topic. I’m guessing you might get flack about “Oh, how do you think she’s going to feel when she discovers this essay on the Internet in _____ years?” But I think when and if your child reads this, she’ll have the context of having had a loving mom for all those years in the interim. I think kids understand that parents are allowed to be complex people, capable of having mixed emotions about situations while still being loving and supportive and all the things parents should be. In fact, by modeling for her exactly how one goes about being a complex individual–being honest about one’s feelings, seeking reassurance from people who matter, trying to focus on the positives–you’re teaching her how to handle adult worries and concerns appropriately.I too had doubts and fears about both of my pregnancies. I too love my children endlessly. Kudos to you for being a real human being and admitting it.
Thank you for your candor – I too went through my moments when I wasn’t sure I wanted to be pregnant. Our child was “planned” to the extent that we knew we wanted to get pregnant, but I got pregnant a heckuva lot faster than I thought was possible – after being on Depo for 10+ years.To make matters worse, when I had my little breakdown, 2 days later they saw a soft marker for trisomy 18 on my little guy’s brain…so instead of getting over the feelings of apathy, now I was faced with full blown fear as to what will happen next. Thankfully the amnio came back ok and I have a beautiful 7 month old little boy, but I still look back on those days and my stomach churns just thinking about it.But at the end of the day, we’re human…and humans sometimes wonder and doubt and fear. No matter how bad you may want that baby, being pregnant is a test of endurance and strength, and no one woman has the capability of being excited and sure of herself every day of every week for 9 months. I applaud you for giving voice to a very real fear and concern for most of us, and wish you the best possible outcome – a beautiful little girl to pass your strength and wisdom on to.
And won’t this future person be glad to read all about its mother’s feelings about her pregnancy when he or she grows up! Long live this celebrated era of internet revelations – and our community of voyeurs…
As a mom who’s last pregnancy scare made me realize my husband SHOULD have a vasectomy (see One is the Awesomest Number here on Babble!), I know exactly where you are coming from. The fact that you decided to write about a natural reaction to a scary situation does not make you a bad parent. It makes you human. Thanks for letting the millions of other moms who experience the “I don’t want this baby” feeling at some point in their pregnancy know they’re not alone!!
Doubtful, what in the world is wrong about having ambivalent feelings about being pregnant?! Should every woman simply be overjoyed at knowing that despite taking precautions to NOT get pregnant she now is? Should she never admit to the slightest feeling of being duped by her 99.7% effective birth control or trapped by the baby now growing in her womb?If I got pregnant now with my 3rd child, I would have almost identical feelings as the author’s. I very much appreciate her honesty.
it’s great that you are handling this so well, but i think it’s worth pointing out that there certainly are babies who AREN’T wanted. this one sounds like she will be very wanted and loved, and that’s great, but the last line of this article is just very wrong.
What a relief to read this article. We have one child and recently decided to try for another and were very excited to do so. Well, three weeks and two pink lines later, I discovered I was really more scared and anxious than I was excited. That’s starting to change, but it’s great to know that many people have moments of doubt!
What a lovely essay! Re the concerns about your daughter reading this when you’re older, I think she may be grateful to have a mother who is honest about the complexities of grown-up life and that ambivalence in a mother doesn’t mean less than 100 percent love.
I could have written your article. I thought I was done. 1 boy 1 girl…life was finally getting easier and more organized…then bam…surprise…I am pregnant with unplanned #3….I have bittersweet emotions. Sad because I was just gaining new freedoms….happy to meet a new face and personality. I know it will all work out but on days I can’t help but feel melancohly.
I’ve been unable to stop crying since I read this post–on and off through dinner, while raking the lawn, balancing the check register and checking email. I’ve suddenly been validated. The “dream” family for me has been one great hubby, a son, a daughter, a dog, et cetera, et cetera. Now, life as I know it is a few short months away from chaos with a new baby and I’m experiencing the FULL range of emotions–both rational and irrational. I feel like I need to have a disclaimer to pass out to people when they realize I’m pregnant AND chasing two other children. I am unsettled with all of my feelings, but now I know I’m not the only one. THANK YOU!
I think it’s great you shared that. I was kind of freaked out when I found out I was having a boy after two girls. Everybody assumed that was what we were trying for, but we really didn’t think we’d have a boy since we had two girls and my husband had three sisters, so I had myself prepared for a girl. I felt badly about being freaked out about a boy until I talked to my friend who had a girl and then a boy and she said she felt the same way when she found out she was having a boy. I think sharing your feelings helps you deal with them, and it helps others who may go through the same thing at some point. I went through postpartum depression with my second baby and it helped a lot to know I was not alone because other women had shared their stories with me at some point. I shared my experience, so now my friends who may go through PPD know they are not alone and they can talk to me about it if they want.AmyMom to 3www.sofiabean.com
I wasn’t doubting whether she should ‘feel’ bad about being accidentally pregnant. I was wondering whether broadcasting her personal feelings to an audience on the web, in an article which remains public and permanent, is kind to the child who will some day grow up and read it. But I see I’m alone in not being inspired by this discussion.
Can babble.com NOT get anyone else to write for them? Sheesh! Why do sisters Keri Fisher and Amy S.F. Lutz even bother to have a separate blog? And why are they consistently writing for the Bad Parent column?
I would be glad to trade with you. You give me your fertility and I give you my infertility.
Being ambivalent about getting pregnant on birth control makes you a bad parent? The hell? What’s next? How about moms who believe there are seven days in the week? Moms who live on Earth? Moms who are part of a carbon-based life system? Anyone? Bueller? Could there be anything more normal than regretting an unwanted pregnancy?
Thanks for your candor and honesty. This was a beautifully written article. I enjoyed it.
Wow, I enjoyed the article. I have #3 on the way and already have a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Everyone around me is excited and I on the other hand am not. I am glad to know that I am not alone in feeling like this. I know that when the baby gets here, I will wonder what I ever did without him or her. But it doesn’t make the here and now and the unknown any easier. I was half way to 18 with one of them and the other one is getting ready to start school this year. Thank you for being honest about your feelings. It has made my situation feel not so hopeless.
We all adore my youngest brother, he’s a fabulous individual – but there is no doubt that the much-protected-against, surprising event of his conception and birth functionally ruined my mother’s life. She never wanted three kids, she was overwhelmed, she disappeared as a person and became a spit-up covered child-wrangler for the entirety of the 1980s and most of the 90s. My dad was cheating on her the entire time. She was crazy and too hard on all of us, and the youngest son came into the world with an undeniable sense that he had been born to a family that had no room for him. He’s had DUIs, arrests, drug addiction, flunked out, and so on and so on despite how brilliant and creative he is — he doesn’t love himself, doesn’t have that core survival instinct because on some unconscious level, he’s been trying to die to get back at my mother for not wanting him to be born, ever since he got here. Every single time he messes up, my mom’s comment to me is, “well you know he was not planned.” She thinks he doesn’t know – bullshit. I vowed when I was about 10 and my brother was about 3 NEVER to have a third child. Imagining myself in the author’s place, I think I would have gone for a 2nd trimester abortion to avoid that upheaval to my personhood, marriage, and family. I really hope things turn out better for her. My husband was also an unwanted 3rd child, and his mother adores him because he actually saved his parents’ marriage, so it can go either way. But I agree with the commenter above – the last sentence of this article is sadly not correct. Many, many babies, even in the most privileged of rich nuclear families, are unwanted.
Amazing, how interesting, I just clicked through and realized that the author of this piece is one of the two awesome sisters who have a communal household and an expansive family and friend community — you guys are SUCH role models for me. The piece looks so different in this light – the contrast between what this family has going for it and the lonely, isolated, atomized, suburban, southern-put-on-a-happy-face-for-the-neighbors existence in which my mom had to raise her unwanted 3rd child could not be more vast. There’s a huge lesson here – we weren’t meant to live shut up in private little nuclear family boxes. It causes the kind of heartache I was talking about above.
To the noter who said they would trade their infertility for her fertility, I seriously think that’s unnecessary. You’re the reason it’s so difficult to talk about this subject. My heart goes out for you, but your issues are certainly not the author’s fault.
I am 10 weeks pregnant now. I was on birth control and got pregnant 2 weeks after I got married. I am only 24 and wanted to wait and build a life for my children first. I pulled myself out of poverty and worked very hard to get a Master’s degree and wanted to go on to law school, and now that I have a child on the way I’m stuck in what was supposed to be a temporary job I hate. To make matters worse my husband is an illegal alien and cannot get work so all the pressure is on me so I cannot quit and find a better paying, more satisfying job in the field I should be in. I still rent and probably will for years to come. I wanted a house for my children. I wanted a better income for my children. I feel like a failure.
I wish I wasn’t pregnant. It is so hard to be happy. I have my moment where I am but I am constantly thinking that I will be such a disappointment to my child. I had so much potential to make a great life for it and now its gone for all of us, me, my husband, and my baby.
Your article was comforting, but nothing can make up for the life I could have made for my family.
I have to agree with locke – you can’t make your issues the reason why another should feel guilty when they have nothing to do with each other. I dare say it would be normal to have this author’s reaction. You don’t want people to tell you to relax and you’ll get pregnant? How about not saying things like “I’ll trade you…” to someone in the author’s shoes? It is just as bad (been there, done that, got the T-shirt, use it as a carwash rag…).
I felt that I was unable to say anything about an unplanned, unexpected, using BC, having a four-month-old and the stick was blue again pregnancy due to my own sister’s battles with IF. I wasn’t happy, I was completely and entirely overwhelmed at the possibility of having two within just over a year. Matter of fact, it took me til I was about 7 months pregnant to be even remotely “happy” about it (baby blues + pregnancy hormones are not a pleasant combination for me). All amongst the guilt trip laid on me by my own sister that “you’re so lucky, what have I done wrong…you did this on purpose just to hurt me…” yada yada. (Yeah, I purposefully spent nearly 20 months out of 24 knocked up with raging hormones, horrible morning sickness both times, and spent two years solid nursing, six months of which involved BOTH daughters – all of which meant I slept little and four years later am only barely regaining my sanity!)
Would I change things? Not now. I adore both my daughters and they are my life. Was this how I planned things? Not. And really, did I do this to p!ss off or upset my sister? Um, wow, not. But she sure felt that I did this on purpose just to hurt her.
Thank you so much for this article. I also got pregnant on birth control way before I wanted to be pregnant. I am financially secure, and have been married to my wonderful husband for four years…but I just wasn’t ready. I too have friends struggling to conceive. It’s so hard to find articles or posts out there about this issue…every one else seems to be ecstatic they are pregnant or trying desperately to get pregnant. Thanks again!
I am 2 wks in an BUMMED. I have 2 kids I don’t want 3. My life is just full enough. I am happy with 2 college tuitions, no minivan. All I can think about is how I wish it were a dream or I had been impregnated unknowingly and surprise! I am just the lucky healthy surrogate for one of my four friends who desperately want a baby and can’t get pregnant. I look forward to the day I am excited to tell people rather than resent this which will come eventually but I am not psyched to be having another child right now. I barely know my 1 yr old daughter yet and have a hard enough time giving each the attention they deserve.
Thank you so much. I really needed to read this, your conclusion is a blessing to me. I’m 5 months pregnant with my first child, married for 3 years, but we’ve been together for 9 years. Most of the time I don’t want to be pregnant. & I’m afraid of the after being pregnant. Thank you. I have hope now. I’m sure my child will be worth all the struggles.
I am waiting to take a pregnancy test. I am almost finished my degree and was waiting for dual incomes and to start saving/living. However, your article is wonderful. If I am pregnant I will read it again and again for comfort….that last line will get me through.
Thanks for your honesty I felt like a terrible person for not wanting this.
I would be livid if I got pregnant on birth control.
Christine: This is why abortion and adoption are both legal options.
Your article gives me strength to look at a new perspective- thank you. I am pregnant again (by surprise), and only six months after the birth of my first. My greatest fear is that I cannot possibly give the same doting, loving attention to my new baby as I have for my first. I am scared when I think, what if I just don’t have the energy to do this? What if both of my children suffer from this? What if …heaven-forbid.. I just do not want this? But I think you point out well that once you got over your initial reaction, and were able to talk it out to someone supportive of your thoughts, that you were able to enjoy the prospect and joy of the new little person about to enter into your life.
I really appreciate this article- it really helped me.
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I thought this article would make me feel better because it seems like I am the only one not happy. I am only 24 and I am still working on my BA. My boyfriend wanted a baby but I still feel like I am not ready. Birth control had horrible side effects for me. I just wished there was a better method of birth control. I just won’t have sex anymore.
I am happy to have found this; it has given me some comfort. I am 26 wks along with boy #3 and have horrible guilt for having feelings of just wanting to have the older two. During the abortion window period I was in a more early pregnancy scared but confident stage. Now as the thought of 3 becomes a reality I am terrified, I get no sleep, stay up at night wondering if this is the right choice etc etc. I feel as though I am sneaking around in doing so as well since I wait for everyone to sleep before doing my “research”. The last line of your story really helped put it into focus. I did not plan my other two boys yet would lay down my life in a nanosecond for either one. They are my heart and soul and are excited to have a new sibling. I thought the same during both pregnancies as I do in this one so perhaps this is all part of the process. Thanks again for sharing your article. It helps to know we are not alone in these feelings.
It’s refreshing to read this. Though my current pregnancy (my first, and most likely my last) was planned, I am filled with doubt and unable to be happy. It’s not that I don’t want a baby, but that this is such a huge change, and that huge change means going through so many other changes just to GET there (including a LOT of medical care monitoring, because I’m a type 1 diabetic).
But everyone is SO happy, and clearly expect ME to be happy. My husband and friends are understanding when I express my anxieties, but that doesn’t change that the general expectation of pregnant women is that they are excited and deliriously happy (and some people clearly think something is wrong when I don’t get enthusiastic while talking about my pregnancy).
I know every bit of it will be worth it, but I sort of wish I could be pregnant behind some sort of veil, because it just makes it worse when a family member tries to convince me that what I’m feeling isn’t normal, or a coworker looks at my strangely when I’m not as enthusiastic as she is.
Im 39 and pregnant with my 3rd child. I have a 16yr old son and a. 5 yr old daughter. In my mind I was finish w having kids. I’m not happy about the pregnancy. Not excited at all.just the thought of starting all over again.
I am glad you were brave enough to post your story. I could have written it. 2 boys who are in primary school. on BC and no desire at all for a baby. But here I am 10 weeks pregnant and unhappy about it. I hate reading preggo stuff bc its all from the view of a happy pregnant lady rejoicing in her new baby. Well that isn’t me. I want a girl, but didn’t want any more kids, so I decided to make do with my little niece. I just hope God has blessed me with the healthy girl I have dreamed about all my life, bc that will make happiness an easier place to reach.
I have a 17 yr old and a 2 yr old. My husband and I tried for 6 years to get pregnant with the second one. Now I am 2 weeks pregnant with a 3rd. We recently discovered some communication issues in our relationship that are a bit more than a stumbling block. Both of us are unsure of this pregnancy and feel horrible because of that. We don’t feel that we can repair our relationship while taking care of our current children and preparing for another. But neither of us can stomach the thought of the alternative. I haven’t told anyone yet and I just don’t know what to do.
I am halfway through cooking baby #4. The third was my i am done child. 2 boys one girl. My darling baby boy is only 8 months old and we were also taking every precaution until we could afford a permanant procedure. I justthis week started feeling him kick and up until now i had been praying every night that my next ultra sound would show no heart beat or something. Now that i am feeling him move and have seen him on the screen, my feelings have not changed. The world is happy and excited. I am not. I seriously considered asking my husband if we could give this on eup. But i would never be able to explain it to my 3 kids that we have now that i love with all my heart. I dont hate this baby. I just dont want him. It makes me feel aweful. Hope that i reach the stage where i embrace him soon.