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1: You peed your pants without sneezing
Heres the first (sad) truth: All pregnant women pee their pants. Heres the second: No one (not even women whove been pregnant or are pregnant) wants to know when you do it. Although its tempting to share every little pregnancy embarrassment with a status update, very few of your Facebook friends want to know that you wet yourself.
Find out the most common pregnancy signs and symptoms
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2: You can't stop puking
Even if every pregnant woman in your social network can relate to hugging the porcelain god, no one needs a mental image of your upchuck. Confessing that you have horrible morning sickness, rather than non-stop puking, will get you the pity you want without actually making your friends want to vomit their lunch.
Get mom-recommended cures for nausea
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3: Your vagina is leaking
Yes, pregnancy does weird things to your body, but whether its discharge, mucus plug or any other cringe-inducing word associated with liquids leaking from your nether regions, save it for your OB. Your friends, especially the male ones, will thank you for not making them think about the current state of your vagina.
Get your pregnancy symptoms week-by-week
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4: Your weight gain or lack thereof
Weight is a hazardous subject even for the non-pregnant, but in pregnancy it takes on a whole new level of touchiness. If you say how little youve gained, your friends will (rightly) assume youre bragging and will secretly hate you. If you say how much youve gained, theyll feel obligated to join your self-thrown pity party, even if they remember that plate of thirds you scarfed down at your recent baby shower.
Calculate your healthy pregnancy weight
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5: Your ultrasound photo as your
Its one thing to post an ultrasound photo to your Facebook wall or send a quick TwitPic, but quite another to subject your friends to frequent reminders of what, lets be honest, looks something like a cross between an alien and a dinosaur in your uterus.
Check out these 6 ways to document your pregnancy
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6: How much you spent on a
Whether its regarding your babys room, stroller or other gear, talking about money is tacky. Sharing with 300 of your closest friends that you just spent $3,000 on a high-tech stroller for your unborn child will make your non-pregnant friends scratch their heads in fiscal confusion and your pregnant ones (who arent loaded) green with envy.
Get the best stroller for your brood
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7: Nude-ish pregnancy portraits
It should be enough that nudity violates most social networks terms of service, but also keep in mind that you are not, in one revealing photo, going to convince your friends that your pregnant body in the buff is the sexiest thing theyve ever seen. You are, however, going to ruffle a lot of their feathers and very likely regret those shots once you return to a normal hormonal state.
Announce your pregnancy with a cute YouTube video
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8: Your baby's name
This ones actually more for your own protection. In the online world, people often say things they would not say face-to-face, so your future babys name may remind them of their favorite pet or their suicidal uncle — did you really want to know that? If you do reveal the name before the birth, do so in person where people (usually) have their best manners on display.
Find a unique name for your baby
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9: A play-by-play of your birth
Its not a sporting event (even if it feels like one for you). The giant waterfall that just rushed down your legs, how dilated you are and the timing of your contractions are not for mass consumption a la tackles and touchdowns. If you must, a simple headed to the hospital or midwife should be here shortly will give everyone the idea that you are in labor.
Read other moms' birth stories
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10: The future of your placenta
Do not, no matter how excited you are about it, Tweet, Facebook or otherwise group-share what you are doing with the placenta. No matter how hippie or down-to-Earth your friends are, very few of them will understand your interest in ingesting your own organ — whether youre cooking it up in a stew or having it dried and emulsified into gelatin capsules.
Students expelled for Facebook picture of placenta
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