Pregnancy Tests, Duncan Donuts and In LawsJohn Cave Osborne
Did you see the slide show today on Babble that details the various pregnancy tests? Just flipping through it conjured up images from the surreal day that Caroline and I found out she was expecting this last time. Which reminded me, you know that very first nano-second when you find out you’re pregnant? Even if you had been trying to get pregnant, and even if you were already pretty sure that attempt was successful, that’s a pretty shocking moment, no?
Imagine the shock you’d feel, then, if you weren’t planning on getting pregnant. If you already had more kids than that old woman who lived in the shoe plus the Waltons (squared) and, therefore, specifically did not want any more kids. Imagine the shock you’d feel if you had always been operating under the assumption that it was mathematically impossible for your wife to get pregnant until she sauntered up to you one random Sunday morning before you had even wiped the sleep out of your eyes and said (rather matter-of-factly) “I think I’m pregnant.”
“WHAT? There’s no way!”
“I dunno,” she answered, continuing with my body this and my boobs that.
She suggested that we get a pregnancy test and find out for sure. I told her there was no WAY I was gonna sign up for such drama. Twenty minutes later, my candy ass was double parked outside of Walgreen’s in a blue handicap zone as my wife be-bopped down the family planning aisle. What happened next wasn’t exactly run of the mill. And while I hate to do you like my 7th grade English teacher used to do me, if you wanna find out what happened next, you have to read the post I wrote for Babble about it by clicking HERE.
But what I can tell you is this: once we confirmed our pregnancy, such was my neurosis that I demanded we find a “control” group against which we would actually confirm the test that had, um, already confirmed Caroline’s pregnancy.
That’s why we rolled into my brother-in-law’s driveway on two wheels with a sackful of pregnancy tests. There was no way my sister’s brother’s wife (got that?) was pregnant. After all, they, like us, were specifically not planning on having any more children. So if she took it and it was and it came back negative, then I would know for sure my wife was pregnant. (Looking back now, I realize this doesn’t make much sense, but at the time, it seemed quite logical.) Only you can imagine the shock my sister-in-law felt when I shoved the ol’ “First Response” box in her face, not to mention how her husband felt.
“Oh, hell no,” he said.
“C’mon, man,” I pleaded. “If she takes it and it comes back negative, then I know that Caroline’s positive is really positive.”
“Right,” began my brother-in-law, “but if it comes back positive, then I’m gonna faint, and this seems too weird. This is the kinda deal where WE’LL be the ones who are pregnant while y’all just had a false alarm. Taking this does nothing for us.”
“So, let me get this straight,” I said. “You’re saying you’ve got no upside, only downside and that’s why you won’t let your wife take it?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” he answered.
But I didn’t relent. I hounded that poor couple until his wife finally grabbed the test out of my hands and took it.
“Are you happy?” Caroline asked on the way home. “I bet they’ll never wanna hang out with us again. And I told you that I was pregnant. What more do you want?”
I thought about that for a second. “Is a digital test out of the question?”
Though it was for anyone with half a brain, my wife (somehow) loves me and reluctantly agreed to purchase one.
Yeah. We’re pregnant, y’all. And now that we’re 21 weeks along, I’m no longer floored, trying to deny it, or terrorizing my in-laws. Now I’m fired up. We all are.
Anyway, you should really go and flip through that slide show of pregnancy tests. It’s quite thorough and has some wonderful information in it. And, if you’re like me, it might even bring back some bitter-sweet-turned-extremely-funny memories. To read it, click HERE.