Pregnant, Vulnerable, and Scared

I cannot help but admit how guilty I feel at this point in my pregnancy, and because of my own actions, and words thus far, at least in the third trimester.

I guess this is one of those posts where I open myself up to my readers, and reveal my deep thoughts, and be real instead of the cookie cutter blogger type posts I typically write for all to see.

A couple weeks ago, when Lent set in, I vented about being big, uncomfortable and ready to give up pregnancy. I mean, come the third trimester, what mother isn’t?  I can’t see my feet anymore, I pee twice an hour even at night, and I haven’t had an actual restful sleep in about two months.  All of the joys mothers forget about pregnancy the moment their baby is born, but the second 28 weeks rolls around, they immediately remember again.

People ask me how I feel, and I typically give them an eh or immediately express the feeling that I am so ready to be done with pregnancy. But it all changed for me this last week. I went from feeling uncomfortable and done to pleading with the universe to allow my daughter to thrive in the uterus until she is full term.

With the ultrasounds, amnio’s, and non stress tests I feel disgustingly guilty that I was ever ready, this early to be done with pregnancy. Knowing that I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the results of an amnio this Wednesday that can tell me there may be something wrong with my baby, or some kind of complication that would warrant immediate delivery at only 33 weeks gestation has slowly sent me over the edge.  Even worse for me is if everything comes back completely normal, and I have to wait a full week again for another ultrasound wondering if she is starting to grow the way she needs to be, or should be in the third trimester.

Depending on all of this, I could be a mother for the third time within the next two weeks, a full four to five weeks before we ever expected to welcome our daughter. And while I know she will be ok, and that I have a great hospital with an amazing NICU and staff, I cannot believe that just two weeks ago I was so eager for the end to be here.

If I could gestate her till she was a teen to keep her safe and healthy at this point, I would do anything. I just want my daughter to have the least amount of bumps or problems humanly possible, and if I could go through this battle all myself, and take away any pain, suffering, or illness from her… I would, in a millisecond.

I just want my daughter to be ok… and to be able to go a day without crying or beating myself up because I did something wrong, or cannot nurture her in the way a mother should during pregnancy.

Thank you to all my readers for your wonderful words, and well wishes during this time… I truly do appreciate it, and so does our entire family!

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