As I sit here on the eve of 6 weeks of pregnancy, I have realized how often the loss of my twins plays into this pregnancy. Even though I don’t want it too, even though I try to tell myself again and again that this time could be different, that worry solves nothing… the fact is, it’s there. Those thoughts are always going to be there now.
I share these with my therapist and I’m expected to work through them, but surprisingly I heard something that I didn’t expect:
“These are normal thoughts that every mother I’ve ever counseled who became pregnant again has.”
So I’m going to share them with you. I’m not looking for advice or comfort, but rather to shed some light on how it feels to go through this, and to hopefully give someone else reading the same, “Whew, I’m not crazy!” feeling that I got from knowing I wasn’t alone in this.
All in all, even though I talk about my fears and worries often because it’s so therapeutic for me, I really am thrilled. I try so often to let those thoughts play out, to honor what I went through and the reality of losing a baby, but then to remind myself that I could very well end up with another little one in 7ish months.
If you’re pregnant or considering trying to be after expereincing a loss, these are some of the thoughts and feelings you may have during this time. Know it’s ok, even if no one else understands.
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I Plan Ahead Everywhere 1 of 7Each time I head to the bathroom outside our home, a plan of what to do if I lose the baby there races through my head. It makes me feel crazy but I have heard from so many other women pregnant after a loss who do the same thing. It's almost an unconscious thought now.
The Packing Dilemma 2 of 7I thought about this as we headed home for the holidays. What if I miscarried there? I might need regular clothes (as comfortable as maternity are) because it would be too painful to wear them still. Or pads? Other supplies? I wasn't sure, packing them almost seemed like tempting fate, and not like being foolish to a reality many of us face.
What if I Never Get Another Baby? 3 of 7This was something I struggled with even during our adoption process. Knowing I would miss that newborn phase. And now, it hurts still. I wonder each time I see a little one if I will ever get that again. It feels selfish knowing some never do and I did have Bella, but there is always that ache for another time.
What if I Have Twins Again? 4 of 7Don't get me wrong, if I knew I could carry twins to full term I would love to have them, but then I'd have 19 babies at a time if I knew they would all be ok. The number doesn't matter to me - except knowing that twins more than likely would have the same outcome with me losing them. And for that reason, I pray for just one healthy little one I'll be able to carry to full term.
I Feel Like an Emotional Yo-Yo 5 of 7It's an odd feeling to be completely terrified of this experience that you have no control over, and yet want it so badly you'd try again. I can walk into Babies R Us for a tiny pair of shoes for a picture and walk out about to cry knowing I should be buying two of everything.
What Happens if I Don’t Make it to Full Term? 6 of 7I know what I went through was so, so hard. But then I read stories of other women who had their babies in the NICU for days/weeks/months and sometimes still didn't get to take them home. How on earth do parents do that without just falling apart? It blows me away.
How Would Another Loss Affect My Daughter? 7 of 7I've been told many times that children are resilient, and I agree. But I also know that 7 months later, my daughter still asks about me going to the doctor and the two babies, and each and every day she asks me if I'm sad. So for a then 2 1/2 year old to carry that with her that long - it's pretty major. She's in play therapy for it all, but it crosses my mind about what would happen to her emotionally if I lost another baby.
Top Photo Credit and to Purchase: Hope of my Heart via Etsy.com
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