Apparently ridiculous is the new normal when it comes to pregnancy demands as seen on reality TV. Let’s face it: you have to be or act like an idiot to get on a reality show like Pregnant in Heels in the first place.
But what I want to know is when someone decided that a “pregnancy concierge” was really code for “shrink?” Between last week’s intervention with Rosie Pope and the Wicked Mom-to-Be of the Northeast and this week’s couple with “intimacy issues” — I’m at a loss for why it occurs to seemingly normal people to ask a woman famous for being well-versed in high panel jeans and not much else to work with me on my marriage or parenting concerns.
In Episode 2 we meet Tanya, a woman who brags about living in a multi-million dollar apartment and having very expensive taste (translation: “I wear things with very large and conspicuous labels so you know exactly how much I overspent on something that will be out of fashion next week — but don’t worry, I’ll turn around and sell it on eBay to make more money to buy something else hideously overpriced that lets you know just how shallow and insecure I actually am”). Tanya is inexplicably planning her own baby shower (translation: “No one likes me enough to throw me a party, but I still want the loot and the attention so I’ll just do it myself.”)
Tanya also wants assistance in looking “camera-ready” after giving birth, which in and of itself doesn’t seem like such an offbeat request. After all, who doesn’t want their first pictures with their spanking new offspring to be as nice as possible? What’s odd about it is that you would ask a woman who owns a maternity clothing boutique to find a hairstylist and makeup artist that you’re going to like. I mean, isn’t that the time to call in your own team (because if you’ve hired a maternity concierge, then clearly you have a beauty team. Although if you have to throw yourself a party, maybe your beauty team doesn’t like you enough to make hospital calls)?
Then there’s Ali, who called Rosie in for help with “intimacy issues” with her husband. It’s beyond me why she would have made that call (but I couldn’t be more grateful that she did).
“I feel younger and hotter” than all other pregnant women in Manhattan, she brags (translation: “I dress like a stripper and can’t understand why other non-pole dancing women haven’t thought of this before”).
But not hot enough to give it up to her husband, although saucy enough to discuss it and things like masturbation, oral sex and having her husband “play with her boobs” on national TV nevertheless. She does know her unborn child will watch this one day, right? She does know that several hundred thousands people are watching it right now, right?
But here’s the kicker: Rosie, the maternity concierge — the woman best known for decorating nurseries — asks Ali to put a camera in her bedroom so she, Rosie, could watch them interact. I’m not a lawyer or a cop, but what’s the difference between her and the next person to get busted on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator?
And then Rosie takes Ali and her husband to a professional sex therapist. And sits in on their session. Because there’s no reason why a woman well-versed in strollers and baby poop shouldn’t be involved in a discussion between a husband and wife about their martial relations (and the size of his penis, too, by the way).
“She’s going to help us today talk about some of the intimacy issues you’ve been having,” Rosie explains.
Um, help us? Thanks, Rosie! But wait — there’s more! Then Rosie watches the DVD of the couple in their bedroom with them and their therapist. It just kept getting better. Until the couple who called the maternity concierge to help them with their sex issues admitted to feeling uncomfortable when the sex therapist whips out some dildos so Ali could do some vaginal exercises. But have no fear — Rosie keeps helping em anyway.
(By the way, Rosie thought it was strange, however, when one of the gay men she interviewed to help Tanya plan her party mentioned he once picked out vibrators for a former boss. That, apparently, crosses the “strange” line with her.)
I guess all’s well that ends well in Episode 2, that is, if you can stomach that people really go on camera when they are pregnant with actually babies and let people like me laugh at (not with) them. But for the second week in a row, I thank Rosie and her “clients” for what is fast becoming into my favorite hour of the week. Now I just have to go outside and look for my self-esteem and self-worth, as they got a boost through the roof during tonight’s show.
Admit it — you love it, too, right?
Image: Bravo TV