Previous Post Next Post

Pregnancy

Brought to you by

Preparing for a Baby

10 things I swear Ill never do as a parent

By Ronnie Koenig |

Slideshow Loading
  • Preparing for a Baby

    Preparing for a Baby One of the benefits of becoming a parent later in life is that you have time to observe how other parents interact with their kids. And in the years before we got pregnant, my husband and I witnessed some questionable things. Here are 10 things we hope we never do to or with our kids.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Use a leash

    Preparing for a Baby: Use a leash Sure, I get it that once a kid becomes mobile it can be hard chase after him/her. But my kid is a person, not a dog. When I see kids on leashes, I feel embarrassed for them. Do their parents take them to off-leash “kid runs” where they can move freely among the other children? Do they use commands like sit, stay and heel? It may be hard for me to catch my breath running after my little one, but my child will not be harnessed.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Give them a pacifier

    Preparing for a Baby: Use a pacifier A pacifier is probably okay and somewhat necessary during the first few months, but after that they should be tossed in the trash. Never mind the fact that kids old enough to be out of a stroller just look plain ridiculous walking around with a piece of plastic in their pie hole. Intervene before this happens! Also, we’re not sold on the idea of plugging up a child’s mouth to get him/her to be quiet — that just seems lazy.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Talk baby talk

    Preparing for a Baby: Talk baby talk What is it about babies that make people want to blather on to them in high-pitched moronic voices? If you want your child to be intelligent, then speak intelligibly to him/her. The same goes for made-up or babyish words — in my house we’ll go to the bathroom (not “go potty”) and we’ll call our private parts by their actual names. If I’m really lucky, my kids will learn how to clearly give my drink order to a bartender (Tanqueray martini, straight up, two olives) before they start pre-school.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Dress them in novelty onesies/tees

    Preparing for a Baby: Dress them in novelty onesies/tees Your baby doesn’t know who Che Guevara is and he doesn’t listen to that group of old men a.k.a The Rolling Stones. Those iPood or BYOB jokes are lame. Bottom line — don’t use your baby as a billboard for irony.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Tolerate picky eaters

    Preparing for a Baby: Tolerate picky eaters Have you seen that commercial where a mother and daughter are grocery shopping together and the kid rejects every item she picks up? (“I don’t like chicken.” “I don’t like broccoli.”) Her solution? Purchasing some disgusting chocolate-flavored meal replacement drink instead of acclimating her daughter to people food. Not gonna happen in my house. Also off the menu? Any un-foods like Lunchables marketed to kids with their loud packaging and tiny portions of over-processed meats and cheeses. It’s called a sandwich, and that’s what you’ll be getting.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Tip-toe when they're sleeping

    Preparing for a Baby: Tip-toeing when they're sleeping Do your kids live in your world or do you turn your world into a kid universe once you have children? I don’t plan to shush people, turn off the TV, silence my phone or tip-toe around my own home just because the babies have been put down to sleep. Babies are great at acclimating to whatever environment they’re in, so if you create a pristine, soundless environment that will be the only way they’ll fall asleep! (This is not good prep for college dorm living.)

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Allow them to interrupt adult conversations

    Preparing for a Baby: Allow them to interrupt adult conversations I drove two hours to visit an old college friend and left her house realizing that I hadn’t found out anything about what her life was like because she allowed her kid to interject his non-sequiturs and requests for juice boxes throughout the entire afternoon. There’s a time for children to be the center of attention and a time for mommy to step up and say “you don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.” When the adults can’t get a word in edgewise, it’s time to lay down the law.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Buy the popular toy

    Preparing for a Baby: Buy the popular toy My parents never stood on line at Toys “R” Us at midnight to buy me a Cabbage Patch Kid. Just because everyone else is doing it is not a reason to hop on the bandwagon. It’s a lesson I was taught and one my kids will learn. So you won’t see me punching out another mom over a Zhu Zhu Pet or shelling out $500 for a pair of miniature designer jeans.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Stay stroller-bound

    Preparing for a Baby: Stay stroller-bound When your child is old enough to order for himself in a restaurant, he’s too big to be shuttled around town in a stroller. A little more exercise would do most kids good and even though you’ll get where you’re going slower, at least you won’t be pushing a little “emperor” around as his feet skim the sidewalk.

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Pull them out of school for vacation

    Preparing for a Baby: Pull them out of school for vacation I’ve often been poolside at a fancy resort and wondered — what the hell are these kids doing here, shouldn’t they be in school? Sorry, but when you’re a kid, school is your job and you’re not going to miss this week’s spelling words because I found cheap airfares on JetBlue. The same goes for those parents who bring their kids to the 10 o’clock showing of Red Riding Hood. If you can afford six tickets, nachos and a giant-sized popcorn, you can afford a babysitter!

  • Preparing for a Baby

    Preparing for a Baby: 10 things I swear I’ll never do as a parent Disclaimer: I realize that observing parents and actually being a parent is completely different, so I’m calling dibs on the right to renege on any of these pronouncements when our little one arrives.

More on Babble

About Ronnie Koenig

bcronniekoenig

Ronnie Koenig

Ronnie Koenig is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn, NY. She was the editor-in-chief of Playgirl magazine and writes for Cosmo, Redbook, Penthouse, American Way and others. She and her husband are expecting twins in September! Visit her at RonnieKoenig.com.

« Go back to Pregnancy

Use a Facebook account to add a comment, subject to Facebook's Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Your Facebook name, profile photo and other personal information you make public on Facebook (e.g., school, work, current city, age) will appear with your comment. Comments, together with personal information accompanying them, may be used on Babble.com and other Babble media platforms. Learn More.

159 thoughts on “Preparing for a Baby

  1. Lexi Lemus says:

    Go take a nap you sound crankier than my bratty cousin

  2. Jodie Arnold says:

    Yeah, good luck with that list. I can tell you aren’t yet a parent. Throw the expectations out with the bath water.

  3. Marcia Clodfelter Cross says:

    When my friends and I had children, the ones who didn’t were resplendent with advice and criticism such as yourself. When they did have children, their’s were the worst kids we had ever seen. And they were the worst parents. I am afraid your family is in for a bumpy ride.

  4. Jenny Craigie Riffe says:

    Much easier said than done. I eventually had to change my perspective on parenting to “what works for my child and myself (and my husband) in this stage” rather than hard and fast rules. This is true for sleep training, eating “people” food, potty training, behavior management, etc. I found it oh-so easy to critique parents before I dove in myself. As you said, be prepared to eat crow when your child challenges all your parenting convictions! :) Best of luck!

  5. sarah myers says:

    Aww, that’s cute. I want an update a year later about how you shushed everyone around after your baby finally fell asleep and used Gerber puffs as a distraction so you could fold a load of laundry ;)

  6. Emily Christopherson says:

    I’ll never go to rehab as a parent :)

  7. Amber Stawicki says:

    I do agree with about half the items you listed especially things like pacifiers. One I strongly disagree with it the “Leash”. When your kid becomes mobile and wants to explore and loves his independence and you also have a new baby, it is a very safe way to do so. My son loved his harness and would actually bring it to me when we went out. It allowed him to explore freely and safely without constantly being attached to me or me having to chase after him for being curious about this or that. I agree with the other commenters, you sure can tell you aren’t a parent from your list and good luck sticking to it when you do become a parent.

  8. RiotLibrarian says:

    Oh my darling, you are clueless.

    Riddle me this, though. When you say you will not ‘tolerate’ picky eaters, what does that mean exactly? That you won’t feed them crap (I don’t)? That you will eject them from your house when they refuse everything you give to them (they will)? That you will put them to be hungry, know that means they will be staring at you at 1 in the morning complaining that they are hungry?

    My favorite though is that you won’t tolerate interruptions. Hah! What do you think you are going to do, muzzle them? Look, you don’t have a life anymore, you have kids. They will constantly be hungry, thirsty, scared, needing to go to the potty. This will happen while you are talking to friends, eating, sleeping, showering, and using the bathroom. You will have to stop what you are doing to take care of them, because they are more important than you are. Hopefully you will figure that out, because women that don’t are terrible parents. If you can’t handle it, don’t have kids.

  9. ABrinkley says:

    This post is ridiculous. The only thing you should never do as a parent is say you’ll never do something. Despite being long in the tooth by your own admission you sound incredibly immature. Maybe the thing you should never do is become a parent.

  10. Jessica Reeb says:

    I bought a ‘leash’ for my oldest daughter (very active, run run run type kid. LOVE that about her =]) but I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest, we were shopping, my then 20 month old tore off into the street. I was huge, and couldn’t keep up. I brought the leash along after that. Not to use all the time, but if I could tell she was having one of those days, you can bet I used it. That being said, it’s only been used 6 times max, but well worth it for her. (and she loves the thing. It’s a pink puppy pack and she adores it.)

  11. Lori says:

    I kept waiting for the punchline to this post, but it never came. I knew exactly how I was going to parent before I became one, too.

  12. Ora V says:

    Before becoming a parent, I would have agreed with most, if not all, of these. But oh, how that has changed! I’ll give you a few of those – too big for a stroller, and not taking kids out of school for a vacation (maybe because my oldest is still too young for these to apply).

    I have to comment on the “leash” – I can’t wait until you have a child that is fully mobile, yet still not aware of the dangers that surround them. It won’t take you more than one time of experiencing the sheer panic that comes with turning your head for one second only to realize that your young toddler has run off to “explore” for you to be running to the store to buy a harness. They are not cruel and inhumane, they are lifesavers and meant for our children’s protection. You can claim all you want, that you’ll just keep up with them, but just realize that even if you’re under 100 lbs, your toddler is smaller and able to get into tight places that you cannot fit into. Do your child a favor and do what’s best for them and don’t worry about what those people who have never had kids will think of you.

  13. Sarah Bregel says:

    i do understand some of the things on this list, but i’d much rather see the list of things i said i’d never do and then DID once i became a parent. we all have lists like this in our heads but rarely stick to them once we become parents because we find out there are reasons people use paci’s, get epidurals, supplement with formuala, and co-sleep. in fact, we find out that there isn’t wrong with doing any of those things and that we were much too opinionated before we really understood what any of us were talking about.

  14. mom of two says:

    Wow, okay I got it. You are not a parent yet :D

  15. fibfauna says:

    It’s a safe bet you will posting a complete retraction after your little one arrives!! not tip-toe? not turn off you phone?? not offer kid foods? I can’t wait to see what lesson that will teach? I do not agree with the leashes or harness, whatever you choose to call them you should keep an eye on your child at all times… But Ill tell you when you haven’t slept in days or are running on only a few hours of sleep the “Binky” will be a new deity in the back of your mind. I don’t know many people who haven’t put their child in some sort of onsie that expresses their sense of humor, you will too, and chances are it will be nauseating to those around you as well, its called payback. If you think for one minute that your kid is brought into YOUR world, you are in for a terrible, terrible awakening! NEWSFLAS**** you are in theirs… and Im sure you will cave for a new toy, because as a parent you want to give your child everything you can, and you will especially if its affordable.

    Bottom line, never say never!

    The things I chose to not do when I was to become a parent were things like not yelling, not speaking to them in condescending ways or using verbiage that is not appropriate, deciding not to treat my child as if he should be seen and not heard, or as a little housekeeper when old enough to help. My ultimate goal is to give them the best childhood they can have, and if that means we go to a 10 am showing of Harry Potter and eat a lunchable then that’s what we will do. Ultimately, what you child doesn’t give up before kindergarten; he will give up before college. That includes his pacifier…

  16. Amanda Norrell Ward says:

    Do yourself a favor. Don’t have kids.

  17. Anya Kamenetz says:

    Baby talk or “mother-ese” is very important for childrens’ language development. There is all kinds of research on it and it’s an innate behavior that happens in cultures all over the world.
    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/03/050329143741.htm

  18. alc says:

    You’ll find out which of these work and which don’t once your baby is born. We swore never to use a pacifier, too, but our little one really needed it at times during the first three months. The “adapt the baby to my lifestyle” attitude will only get you so far, I’m afraid! Good luck!

  19. Sarah Richards Casey says:

    HA! Just wait!! Please write a follow up article once you have a baby.
    Here’s my two cents!
    Tip toe around after you FINALLY get them to sleep. Trust me you will tip toe around because you don’t want them to wake up again. You’ll probably pass out yourself!

    Picky eaters (thank God our daughter isn’t) but you will bend over backwards to get your kid to eat. You will feel guilty when they don’t eat, and you will cave so they will at least eat something.

    Strollers are great. It’s not about the fact that your kid is old enough to walk, or the speed of your pace. It’s the fact that hey I want to go shopping in the mall and I don’t want to a) hold your hand the whole time. b) I don’t want to have to run after you, yes I am faster, but I want to shop and not run a marathon.

    Leashes; just wait. That’s all. I said the same thing. And guess what I bought one. Solo flight with an 16 month old, outings at the zoo, parks, hiking around our local mountains,and walks, are a breeze. Kids don’t like to hold hands ALL the time!

    Last but not least, and my absolute fav!! Not allowing your child to interrupt an adult conversation. HAHAHA! RIGHT! I can’t even pee without an audience. How could I possibly carry on a conversation of any length without our daughter walking in, asking tons of questions, wanting the other adult to play with her, wanting a snack, a drink, or help going potty. I have had to lock myself in the bathroom to have a quiet phone call. Also run around our house faster than our 3 year old so I can hear what the person is saying! So just you wait and see.

    Parenthood is a breeze when you’re on the outside looking in and while you’re still pregnant!

  20. trishb01 says:

    Ok so you do realize they come out as babies not adults, right?!?!

  21. demandabanana says:

    HAHAHAHA…pause…snark about this with other mom friends…HAHAHAHA Good luck with all that. HAHAHAHA

  22. Colleen Mulloy Smolen says:

    I am with you there demandabanana! Good luck with all that.

  23. Diana says:

    This was obviously not written as a serious piece but as an attempt to stir up comments. Unfortunately it diminishes the legitimacy of the website. That’s a shame because there have been some good articles. I suspect the author is smiling about all the feedback.

  24. Mary says:

    This whole article had to be a joke right? Seriously?!

  25. Kristin Hobbs LaBiche says:

    The pacifier saved my life! And it has been proven to lower the risk of SIDS. F U!

  26. Kristin Hobbs LaBiche says:

    I can… and I will use my babies for irony!

  27. Sky Prince-Chubb says:

    I didn’t use a pacifier/leash for the same reason.. the rest of these are so funny…. Each child and parent are different so Good luck with that.

  28. Lauryl Bean says:

    I find numbers 6, 7 and 9 particularly hilarious. The first time you spend an hour trying to get your little one to nap, and then they wake up at the sound of you leaving their room will be the beginning of you tip-toeing around.

  29. Rachel Renee Lecy says:

    Geez ladies! No need to get snarky and defensive over this article! Everyone’s different and we all had things we thought we would never do before we had our kids. Some things changed once baby arrived but other things it is good to think of and learn hiw to do right…and then stick to it. I felt the same way as this lady about most of this stuff before baby and during pregnancy but felt differently once baby arrived. Especially about pacifiers and funny sayings on baby clothes. Its important to be supportive of future moms though, not get offended, snarky and snippy at their opinions and perceptions. We have ALL been where she is!

  30. Elizabeth says:

    It will be interesting to see if you also teach your child a smug sense of superiority and to draw rash conclusions about people’s lives and the way they handle problems from very little evidence. Glad to know you’re going to do so much better than all those other wretched parents!

  31. Mommy10 says:

    LOL – I love the comments. I don’t agree with a lot of the 10 items posted here (although I too would never stick my kid on a leash) but I would never judge this mom for her opinions or get upset and take them personally. Gees people – eveyone is entitled to their own opinions! This ain’t Russia!

  32. celeste says:

    I agree with all of these except for the one about how to dress your kids. I mean,if you can’t dress them in adorable little Beatles onesies then what’s the point? ;) . I have always thought it was cute when babies have clothes on the mirror the parents interests in some small,cute way. I mean,it’s the only time you have to chose what your kid wears at any given time. Once they have an opinion of their own, that’s it. So what’s wrong with an I ? mommy t-shirt?

  33. letvs says:

    Your disclaimer is the best part of your commentary because guess what: all the parents and their transgressions, as listed, probably had the same list as you pre-children! Post children, you will learn the golden rule for parents: we’re all trying as best as we can! Good luck…and I hope you can laugh at your list a few years from now. I know I laughed at mine, and am laughing at yours.

  34. GadgetDad says:

    Goog luck with all that.

  35. JJ says:

    I have to tell you, the leash isn’t a horrrible thing. I would recommend walking around with your arm straight up over your head for ten minutes straight, and then imagine someone pulling on it every time you want to put it down.
    As a parent, you will save yourself (and your child) a lot of frustration and discomfort.

  36. JEN316 says:

    It is clear with every word that you write that you do not have children. Breaking most of your rules within the first 10 days will (hopefully) erase some of your smug superiority and judgement. Otherwise, you’ll make much bigger mistakes than the rest of us by teaching THAT to your children. It’s worse than letting them wear a “novelty onesie”. Get a life.

  37. Julie says:

    Wow. I’m glad you chose 10…such a great way to make sure you alienate every single reader at least once and don’t miss any.

  38. mel2685 says:

    Wow, could this be any more snobby or judgemental?

  39. Susie says:

    #6 is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Wait until your baby finally fell asleep after an hour of rocking, and someone slams a door and wakes him up. You’ll be screaming bloody murder! Or wait, are you going to avoid that whole situation by leaving your baby to cry himself to sleep? That will make you a GREAT parent. Can’t wait to hear more of your brilliant advice.

  40. Amanda says:

    Yeah, it was perfectly clear that you don’t already have children before reading the disclaimer. Good luck to you on not reneging on every single one of these when you have a child. Ha, every parent is just laughing in your face!

  41. Anonymous says:

    Please. I would like to see this when your little one is three.It is easy to say what you will not do know but just wait. You will see.

  42. Frankie says:

    I agree with a few: pacifier, and stroller past a certain age. But my 2 year old is an extremely picky eater who doesn’t weigh enough for her age (5%). I was told to offer her items, but to give her what she will eat. This stage doesn’t last forever. My daughter also started walking at 9 months, so I used a leash when we were in public because she’s very independent and it has taught her to stay close. Why become frustrated and angry because your child keeps darting off. Leashing gives them the sense of independence. And pulling kids out of school for a vacation?? By occasionally taking the kids away while everyone else is in school will show them that you value family bonding time. Do you not get 2 weeks vacation a year? When they are in elementary school, they are not missing anything they can’t just take with them. Grab their school work and take off. Doesn’t suprise me this article in in the Pregnancy section. I love how pregnant women think they’re going to turn the world of parenting on its ear. Then comes baby and they sing a different toon. Get off your high horse!!!

  43. Anonymous says:

    #1. Leashes are strange. #2. Paci? Well fine you are not required and honestly I wish we had never seen a paci. My 3 year old will not give it up and I am having trouble as well. I just assume she will not have it when she graduates high school. Then again as an ex-raver I saw many teens sucking away on them back in the day.#3. You will.Even Llamas make funny sounds to their young. #4. Awwwww…But there cute.#5. You again will. Two resturanteur friends of mine said the same thing. Guess what happened. #6. It depends. Some kids are light sleepers and some heavy.#7.They will and you may get them to stop but try and remember what you were talking about after. #8.There will come a day when this will make them super angry. Hell you don’t have to play with it.#9.Mamama pick me up!!! Honestly do you really want to carry a kicking and crying 3 year old 5 miles home? #10. I gotcha. All in all you are not on a high horse, just excited to make the most of parenthood. I wish you joy. And the fact you give these things any thought at all means you are already a wonderful Mama! everyone else…She did write a disclaimer.

  44. Anonymous says:

    @Kristin Hobbs LaBiche. “I can… and I will use my babies for irony!”
    You made my day with this. Because a sense of humor is priceless. Irony can = intelligence.

  45. Girlonthegrove says:

    The leash thing I’m TOTALLY on board with. It’s a kid, not a pet. But the pacifier thing can be handy in a melt-down situation. Babies are hard wired with a need to suck. We’ve used ours a handful of times as a last resort (our baby is 6 weeks old). As for the vacation thing…are you kidding me? I would MUCH rather my daughter miss a math test than miss a chance to travel the world. Algebra and spelling can be learned at another time. But making memories as a family? You can’t always reschedule that.

  46. AllinStride says:

    This is all in fun ladies, don’t take it personally. Or get offended or defensive. She already stated that she desn’t have any kids yet, but is open to changing her mind once her little one arrives.

  47. Nasrin says:

    This is so funny, because this was probably my exact list before I had kids. And then you get it. Paci, quiet naps: you will do anything to have your baby be quiet. Call it lazy, call it whatever, it is what it is. Baby talk: it’s really hard to have a conversation with someone who just stares at you blankly. So you talk in high pitch crap because they respond. They turn to you, smile, giggle. Leash: you can say your kid isn’t a dog, but why exactly do we leash dogs? Oh right, so they don’t get lost, or run into traffic and get hurt, or jump all over other people. Same reason with toddlers. Stroller: I think these are overused, but the reality is, if you are going to be out a long time, the other option to stroller is carrying. That get’s old fast. Some of these things you still might not do, but you’ll learn.

  48. Nesha Zalesny says:

    I have a girlfriend with 3 active boys, all of which dart in different directions. The baby was the worst. She got a leash, used on him once, then only had to hold it up whenever he tried darting away after. It’s a great detterent from dangerous behavior.

  49. Marta says:

    I totally agree with the leash thing. It drives me CRAZY that people use those. My friend registered for one and I let her know I will not be seen in public with her while she’s treating her child like a dog.

    However, I’m a big fan of the pacifier.

  50. Dana says:

    Wow,this article pissed me off big time. This lady does not have any idea about motherhood!Lets see how you will break all of your rules once you become a mom!

  51. Chris Smith says:

    Have a sense of humor, folks. Don’t you remember all the conversations you had before you had kids about what you would and wouldn’t do? That’s how you figure out the values you want to impart to your kids, right? And I get the laughing at the naivete. Until you have a kid you have no idea how hard and challenging and awesome and rewarding it’s going to be. But the anger and defensiveness? What? Did you not live up to the values you thought you’d impart to your kids? That’s for you to figure out. The values represented here sound pretty awesome in my book: autonomy, respect for self and others, good manners, not being materialistic. These are many of the values we wanted our little girl to have, and 20 months in, I’m happy to say we haven’t made too many compromises. But I do stroll her down the street while she’s wearing a leash in case she gets out of the stroller wearing a onesie with a marijuana leaf on the front and Che on the back while she clutches Tickle me Elmo to her chest while chugging baby Ensure and eating Beefaroni out of the can!

  52. Miss Candy says:

    Wishing you all the best, but with rules like that you’re in for a shock. I think mine were the same. So try to hang onto your mental health and go with the ride. And don’t judge the other parents you hang out with along the way: every child is different, and some are just determined to bolt every time you go to the shops.

  53. Meaghan O'Keeffe says:

    What Chris Smith said.

    But I do contend that there’s a difference between values and judgment. Values are great. Judgement is arrogant. I’ve actually recently considered the leash, though I had always turned my nose up at the idea. Until I had a son who I fell in love with, who has the tendency to dart into traffic. I’m leaning toward the leash, as keeping my son alive seems to be winning over maintaing popular approval.
    The cocktail ordering, though, is an excellent idea.

  54. AmyB says:

    Some things I agree with and others I don’t. I would rather see a leash than children running around a store or restaurant etc. Actually my pet peeve are the parents who let their kids run wild in a store or restaurant and let they distroy whatever is in their path and all they do is sit there and laugh or continue with their conversation, leaving a waitress/waiter or store clerk to clean up. The pacifier is good until a certain point. I do admit kids who are 2 or 3 look stupid with a pacifier. The stroller is a different issue. A stroller can be overused however when going somewhere where there is a lot of walking (like walking around a city, a mall, an amusement park, etc) a stroller is a good idea as they small kids can’t keep up. I agree with the baby talk and with not taking kids out of school to go on family vacations etc. With the school issue, what are you really teaching your kids when you take them out school for a vacation? I can see if there is a family emergency out of town (like a funeral) or even a family wedding or Bar/Bat Mitzvah and they are taken out of school for a day or two for travel reasons. However a week out of school for Disney World,a cruise, etc. whether if they are in 1st grade or 12th grade for “family bonding” isn’t a good thing and sends a wrong message. Even with two workng parents I was never taken out of school for a family vacation and we went away almost every year and we had bonding moments all the time.
    I guess there is no rule book on how to parent and one must use their head and common sense for every situation that comes. Since every kid is different what works for some won’t work for others.

  55. Shannon Leah Oliver-Ortiz says:

    WOW!! I don’t think ANYBODY should be saying what they will NOT do when they’ve never even had a child!!!! It’s not even admireable cause you can’t even say you’ve followed through with your own rules!! I haven’t even fished the top 10 yet…. I was so livid and HAD to comment now!! In no paticular order….. First of all, I’m a NICU RN, 10 years now, and the mommy of 4 angels and one on the way. So, I have plenty of experience to make these statements……. First!! Baby talk is researched to be very soothing to babies, you’ll know when to transform into more adult talk. But, for the first year, it is comforting to your baby, not only that, but when YOU actually have a baby of your own…. it comes naturally. You’re so in-love with your angel, you wanna say everything in a cute, loving, soothing manner. I did it with all of mine, still do some-what with my 16 month old. Anyway, my oldest is VERY intelligent!! He graduated HS at the age of 16, attending college starting this Fall at 17, and will be studying Physics! He is a human calculator with almost ANY kind of math. He does it in his head. He reads a 2-3 inch book once a week and knows things that I have to research before understanding HALF of what he just said, and I had graduated 4 year University with an RN degree and a certified in Psycology now! So, just because you “baby talk with your angel, it has NOTHING to do with their intelligence!! I taught him entry level math at the age of 3 and he was doing square roots when he entered Kindergarten!! SECOND…. Anyone who has a toddler knows they are FAST and VERY CURIOUS!! Also, toting around a stroller everywhere is not always possible, plus, you want your newly walking toddler to keep practicing and on different surfaces!! I have not used one YET, but they have these leashes that are actually furry backpacks your toddler wears and the leash attaches! When it is not in use, they have a backpack! It’s a great idea, cause these munchkins LOVE to explore, not to mention running out into a parking lot is not an option here!! If you think you’re gonna be one of those parents that CONSTANTLY hover over your child while they are running back n forth the area, constantly turning them in another direction, getting them away from strange people, keeping them from going near the breakables in the store, not wanting to go in the direction you are, breaking your back cause you don’t have but two seconds to stand up straight to walk, ect. then either A. You’re living in a dream world or B. You’re gonna keep your child confind to a stroller or cart and forget about teaching them to walk better or explore, ect, then “baby talk” should be the least of your concerns (which it shouldn’t be anyway). THIRD, Pacifiers, I agree with…. TO AN EXTENT….. working in the NICU, we offer the pacifier to help with sucking and rooting and SOMETIMES if there is a baby going through withdrawals due to a negligent pregnant mother, we offer them for soothing. Doesn’t actually matter why or when, it’s the fact of when you WEAN them from it. Anything over 2 yr. is ridiculous (TO ME), not only is the child old enough to figure out a way to sooth themselves, but it’s VERY bad for the teeth growing in. The sucking brings in the teeth and then they start looking like a “V” instead of a “U” or horseshoe shape. Then, braces are inevitable when they get older. The only reason I say over 2 yr, is because some babies were serious preemies or have certain medical or psychological issues that removing the pacifier early could cause bigger problems in their mental comfort. Rare issues, but very valid!! I’m not even going to continue with the rest of the things that bothered me about your “What NOT to do” comments, cause this is long enough. I just pray that you get my point….. that PLANNING your babies up-bringing is impossible until you’re there. With an exception for the bigger issues like religion purposes or circumcision or not, things like that!! WHEN you have a child, and they are at least walking age….. THEN come back and post how YOU feel about things you WON’T do! God Bless!!

  56. Anonymous says:

    I felt completely the same about the leash and the pacifier… until I had kids. I especially hated leashes, then my daughter wiggled free from me in the airport and nearly made it down a ramp onto a boarding plane! There are some situations that are too dangerous and in which things can happen too quickly – its not worth the risk. I rarely use the backpack/ leash, but an so grateful for the times i do use it.
    And for the pacifier… my doc commented once that it is easier to get rid of pacifiers than it is fingers. They are going to sooth with something; as hard as it is to get rid of a pacifier, it is possible. You can’t get rid of a thumb!!
    I agree with a number of commenters – you have your plans before kids, then you re-evaluate what is important.

  57. Curiona says:

    Wow. I had the same thoughts when I was pregnant (had a son about 10 years later than my peers). I was smart enough to keep them to myself, unlike you (your wannabe-ironic disclaimer at the end notwithstanding). That said, I haven’t committed any of the parental sins you mock–some of that has been intentional–other things circumstancial. But I don’t condemn parents who do. Period. Until you’ve been there, you’re better off commenting on something you do know about and saving your ironic detachment for your bartender, not your child-to-be. Sounds like you’re better off adopting a pet (with all due respect to our animal friends). Take some time off, chill, listen and drop the attitude. Your child will be all the better off for it.

  58. Lindsey says:

    Not a bad list! I tried a leash with one kid and I used pacifiers with them all until the age of six months. I’m right with the author on the rest of it.

  59. Tori LaChapelle Sproat says:

    It’s not worth arguing over, because the author won’t know what she’s in for till she’s there.

    It’s worth pointing out that “baby talk” with the higher pitched voice, etc, is actually stimulating to a baby’s brain, which is why mothers instinctively do it.

    Also-with the leash thing, yes it’s overused, but there are some children who are more probe to milkmaid’s elbow than others. Milkmaid’s elbow is when the kid’s tendon snaps out of place, the kid is in immense pain, & a doctor has to reset it. To prevent multiple doc visits some folks get leashes. I haven’t, but thought I’d let you know the medical reason behind them.

  60. elise says:

    this is cute. as i entered my 30′s I experienced enough in life that my motto became “never say never”. finally becoming a mom at 38 if that hadn’t been my motto I would have made it that.

  61. Been there dad says:

    I found this interesting, some I agree with(after raising two daughters) some I didn’t agree with. The major one that I disagree with is pulling them out of school for vacations. We did that a few times over the years and have found it helpful.

    Living in a state that has a long winter, it did us all good to get out of “Dodge” and head to warmer weather. we always tried to work it so they wouldn’t miss more than a few days of school and found that they went back to school, renewed and refreshed.

  62. guajolote says:

    Nice proclamations. See you when you get to the other side. You gotta do what works. (for your kid, for you – and you’ll find out when you get there)

  63. Korinthia Klein says:

    It’s probably not worth jumping in here with my two cents, because anyone who hasn’t had children just doesn’t know the reality of it. But I feel the need to point out that every kid is different, every circumstance is different…. There are times when an older child in a stroller is the best thing for all involved. Pacifiers aren’t evil. We work at the kids not interrupting conversations, but it takes time. Sometimes a visit with grandma and grandpa is more meaningful and important than anything my kids could learn in school on a given day.

    Stay flexible, and remember that parents around you are doing the best they can, just like you will be, and people can do things differently without being wrong.

  64. guajolote says:

    Holy smokes I just read the comments below – people lighten up! Obviously she doesn’t know what she’s talking about – no need to eviscerate her in the comments. She was trying to be humorous not snotty (I think) so take it less personally! She’ll get her comeuppance soon enough. ;)

  65. zorno says:

    Top 10 things I will never do as a blogger:

    1: blog about something I have no experience at, and make predictions about how I will act when I do go through that experience.
    2-10: see number 1.

  66. Angered says:

    This author is a complete moron. The audacity of him to post such bullshit is not comprehensible to me especially since he is not a parent. Dear Ronnie Koenig, You are a pompous fuck and should be banned from the internet. Thank you and have a great day.

  67. Mandy says:

    You only get to be a kid once, let them be kids, what good you give them they will give back to you…. teach them to respect those who respect them…. what to do and what not to do is unique to every child, no one is the same!

  68. Allison says:

    What a condescending dick-weed.

  69. Gisela Qasim says:

    Great, we started late and want to avoid those things as well. Our motto: Every family member must be sufficiently content – that in ludes us!

  70. Mike says:

    Nice disclaimer at the end, because I GUARANTEE you you will be reneging on at LEAST half of those. Nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, can prepare you for the changes that will happen quite literally overnight once you have a kid.

    I’d like to see a follow up article after 6-12 months with your new child to see how “good” of a parent you’ve become, and more importantly, how closely you’ve followed your own list here. Maybe then you’ll realize how pompous and arrogant this list really sounds, and why so many people are responding negatively to it.

  71. Stoich91 says:

    Hahaha…hahaha…ROFTL :D

  72. Jennifer says:

    Yep, all easy to say now; totally different when you are a parent. Please write a follow up article when you have a child, entitled, “10 Things I said would never do as a Parent, BUT I AM”

  73. Anonymous says:

    I LOVE THE ARTICLE..AND IM GLAD TO KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON THAT FEELS THAT WAY…MY HUSBAND AND I PLAN ON THE SAME…MY MOTHER RAISED ME EXACTLY THAT WAY AND I TURNED OUT JUST FINE. PARENTS NOWADAYS LIVE FOR THEIR KIDS AND DROP AT THE MERCY OF THEIR CHILDREN AND THAT DOESNT TEACH THEM APPRECIATION OR EVEN ANY RESPECT AS THEY GROW. YOU CAN LOVE YOUR KIDS BUT NOT OVER SPOIL THEM. THEY’LL APPRECIATE YOU MORE IN THE LONG RUN. AND YEAH…BTW I HATE BABY TALK.

  74. Anonymous says:

    lol.. it looks like all the mommies were offended, how dare you talk like that about a child..lol, obviously the reason why there are so many bratty kids out there and mommies bending over backwards to please their little ones. i still love my children with all my heart but i stick to most of those rules because seriously when we were children we were not given choices in food, we all ate the same as everybody else and we were told children didnt speak while adults were speaking and to say excuse me (something must kids don’t say anymore)and we did just fine but all that is now out the window. this might be hard to accomplish but if you stick to it its possible. and for those who think kids will be kids let them do what they want…thanks to this mentality is why we have so many obnoxious and rude children that think that they’re entitled just because they were never told ‘NO’ . you can be a good parent and stick to rules… :)

  75. liamo says:

    hahaha, reminds me of me before we had kids. “I will never blah blah blah”, we learned quickly to stop saying “I will never”.

  76. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, whatever. I don’t have kids and I know this is crap.

  77. Anonymous says:

    Your stupid disclaimer at the end doesn’t help your cause….it just makes you look like an idiot.

  78. Anonymous says:

    By reading the comments below, you have obviously upset a few readers. I’m not sure how an article like this is humorous or helpful in any way to parents or couples expecting. A little advice: don’t give your opinions on things with which you obviously have no knowledge or experience. You just come across arrogant and naive. When I was expecting our first child, I quickly learned not to judge other parents. Everyone makes their own parenting choices for THEIR own child. You may not agree with their choices, but you learn to keep your opinions to yourself. You’ll learn that this is the number one rule between parents. I wish you the best of luck with these rules you have set. But be careful with rigid rules; you will only become disappointed with yourself and your child when you are not able to follow them. I am sure that even if you are able to follow these rules when you are a parent, you will have a different attitude about parenting. You’ll understand when you get here!

  79. Anonymous says:

    I like your article, we have 2 kids and most of these apply to us. Especially the eating and interrupting. But the vacation thing, I think you have all wrong. It is not just cheap deal, there are so many reasons that vacations need to happen outside of normally scheduled school breaks. Travelling is such a rewarding experience for a family that you have to be flexible with times / dates. Missing a week or 2 of school is not a big deal and must teachers are will to work with parents to cover the missed lessons. But then again, not everyone sees the value in travel, so for you maybe the trade off is not worth it. But don’t write it off so easily.

  80. Sweetness Jones says:

    As far as pulling kids out of school for vacations…are you sure the kids you saw weren’t homeschooled? Or perhaps they are enrolled in a school with an unusual calendar, such as year-round with long breaks worked in. You can’t always assume that parents are turning their kids into truants just to get great deals on airfare. Otherwise, I think that having some principles about child-rearing before going into it is great, as opposed to parents who give no real thought to how they will take care of their children once they’re home. Sure, you may change your tune about things when you actually have kids, but there’s nothing wrong with making plans, especially when you know that you may have to change them.

  81. Heidi says:

    I love this list! Rock on, girl. And don’t worry about all the whiny comments. What would the high-and-mighty Babble readers do without an article that allows them to get their self-righteous Mommy-club panties in a bunch? Giving them fodder for their pissy comments makes their day! Good job. : )

  82. Crackalacking says:

    HAHAHA… best of luck with all that. I’ve learned a thing or two after having a few kids… now I just go with whatever works…

  83. Laughing too hard says:

    Please call me when you actually have a kid so I can help you compose the article where you take this all back. xo

  84. Angie says:

    This is a troll article right? RIGHT?. I feel so embarassed for you.

  85. Anonymous says:

    Jesus, start the therapy fund for your child now. Why have a baby if you don’t want to change at all for them? Get a dog!

  86. Anonymous says:

    Oh lordy, you are in for a surprise. Hahahaha!

    I might be wrong (and I’d appreciate if someone would correct me if I am wrong) but I thought that baby talk actually helps babies learn to talk. Something about accentuating the words?

  87. Babs Duprix says:

    i will happily use a high pitched, and totally stupid sounding tone.. but no nonsense words please! baby-waby wanna snoogie-ugams? no. not going to happen- ever. i feel the same about profanity- dagnabit is not a word. sat what you mean to say or shut up.

  88. Leann says:

    So I think the author is somewhat serious and somewhat funny. And I think some issues mothers need to take more seriously. Kids who are catered to every whim will be, and are, spoiled brats. Oh, you don’t like what we’re having for dinner? Here, mommy will make you something special. How does a kid not become a picky eater when mom is always making something special? When the kids choice is to eat what everyone else is having…guess what happens? The kid eats. Not magically every time, but generally speaking, the kid is more balanced. And no, it does not magically happen that you tell your kid to behave, the kid behaves. But sheesh, make an effort at least! The stroller and pacifer, gosh, every kid is different on that. The baby talk may be ok when young, but after that, yes, talk normal. It’s good for their development. The world should not revolve around your kids, even though as a mom you want it to. It’s hard not to do everything and fix everything for your little ones. But the world does not revolve around them and by doing that as a mother, you are not preparing them for the real world. It’s hard, but who said parenting is easy?

  89. mrsjbum says:

    I swear the author is my twin! I agree 100% with all of these.

  90. BoysNCars says:

    She’s the bitter friend who never gets invited to anything because she has no children, and all of her friends are mommies. This is how she masks her envy.

  91. Anonymous says:

    I have a two year old and a 3 month old, and the backpack/leash has helped me so much! Try being at a grocery store with both babies and one runs away! What are you suppose to do? Leave your infant by itself so I can chase my 2 year old? With the leash I know he can’t run off and get into mishap and also lets him walk around like a big boy! ;)

  92. JoJo says:

    Surely you know that plans go right up in the air. So setting rules now BEFORE you have a child will only upset you. I’m an expected mother and some of these made me laugh and shake my head at you because you are naive. Children are children, you cannot force them to act like adults and think like adults. All children are picky eaters, it’s a part of growing up because your taste buds change. One day they may like peas, the next day they won’t. You want your kids to get veggies and healthy food, come up with new recipes the whole family will like. Hide the veggies in the food, the kid won’t know! You don’t want to turn down the tv so your child can sleep? Okay, have fun dealing with a cranky, teething child. I think these should be looked at as goals, not rules. So my suggestion for you, since you lack experience, keep them as goals because you are going to be quite upset when you find yourself having to make chicken nuggets with a side of mac n cheese for dinner instead of pasta with basil and tomatoes or sirloin topped with mushrooms.

  93. Me rmaid says:

    I can’t wait until you tip toe out of your baby’s room after spending hours trying to get him/her to sleep and have finally given in and given a pacifier.
    Also when your picky eater is not growing like he/she should I hope you lose that smug superior tone.
    Also I will laugh at your no leash smugness when your one year old scampers away from you in a store and you go to chase him/her as your purchases fly one direction, your purse goes in another direction while it’s contents go everywhere. Not fun.

  94. Nmoscardini says:

    I have to just laugh at you, you are really setting yourself up for failure. Sounds like you want your child to live the life you live and not be their own person. You honestly think your small child will entertain themselves while you have company? You try walking around a city with your child without a stroller when you need to run errands, I would love to watch. When you get those funny onesies as gifts and everything else is thrown up or pooped on and you haven’t had a minute to shower nevermind do laundry you are going to put your child in it and I would like to see a picture posted.

  95. Concerned Reader says:

    Using “baby talk” actually helps children to develop language. The emphasis on exaggerated syllables makes it easier for children to mimic and eventually turn into viable words. Also, well… Good luck with the rest of it.

  96. Anonymous says:

    Said like someone who’s never had a child….

  97. Jenn says:

    I loved this article. I especially agree with the points about interrupting and picky eaters. I know a mother who, whenever one of her young kids interrupts a conversation, says gently but firmly: “No interrupting, mommy is talking”. It works like a charm– her kids understand that they will not always be the center of attention, and are so sweet and polite as a result. As far as picky eating goes, I never have highly-processed ‘kid food’ in my house. Kids won’t crave what they have never eaten. What did parents feed their picky kids the first few thousand years before processed foods (nuggets, hot dogs, etc.) came along? (can someone explain that one, seriously?)

  98. Carrie Burrill says:

    what a joke… wait till she has kids… she WILL do some of these. #1 most annoying thing about people who do not have kids yet… is when they say things like “oh my child will never….”

  99. AJMomOf3 says:

    Never hit (it teaches hitting is ok when your mad) Don’t raise your voice (would you listen to someone yelling at you?) Don’t circumcise (its completely cosmetic – there are NO health benefits – my son is completely healthy and I have had more problems with my girls) If I had known about these sites I would have checked them out a LONG time ago! Www (dot) drmomma (dot) org & www (dot) thewholenetwork (dot) org

  100. Duchess76 says:

    This mommas in for a rude awakening. When your tot is tense and uncomfortable at 6 months old, and the paci makes them just relax, she ain’t tossing that tthing.

  101. Jmsgemi i says:

    The more I read, the more I doubt she will stick by many of these things. Baby talk makes babies smile which is what a new parent lives for. Novelty tees are fun, pacifiers are helpful. She is going to look back on this and laugh at herself.

  102. Ashleigh Ledger says:

    like for the whole leash thing, you never kno the reasons that a parent may have them..my mom used one on me at one point because there were child abductors where we used to live and this way she could allow me the freedom to walk without having to be paranoid that someone was gonna snatch me up..

  103. Tina Cole says:

    Wow, I wouldn’t want you to be my mom..Your mean..Yes you have your own opinion but your seem too strike on a baby/toddler and snobby.

  104. Danielle Suzanne Diehl says:

    serve them processed food, ie: chicken nuggets (check); yell at them (check); use TV as a babysitter (check); send them to preschool only to get rid of them for a couple hours (check); yet they are very happy, healthy and well-adjusted (and smart). And I am far less stressed after giving up “my list.”

  105. aly says:

    baby talk is good for them and their development.

  106. MrsWonder says:

    Two points. I think most mothers have high ideals of how they will raise their children, then realize that they are compromising those early promises to themselves. I’ve even broken a couple, and I feel I have a smart, compassionate toddler.
    Second point- don’t knock the leashes. You don’t know who has a physical incapability to chase their child, and who knows constantly chasing after a toddler can be frustrating, tiring, and can lead to mommy meltdown.
    I have one, I proudly use one in situations loke a crowded zoo or the mall, where my son running off isn’t just a inconvenience to running but a danger of tripping up other people or injuring himself.

  107. Krista Swan says:

    I think the biggest lesson anyone needs to learn as a parent (and human, frankly) is to not judge others. You don’t know why they’ve made the choices they have, just as they won’t always understand your choices. So be nice.

  108. Alicia Melton Rogers says:

    Such a laughable list! But at the same time we all make these lists, only to throw them completely out of the window for the sake of sanity. Leashes are necessary when your kid keeps running straight for the road as soon as you lose a grip on their tiny hands and they’re crazy strong for their age. (Oh, and carrying them creates such a screaming fit you don’t want to leave the house!) Giving them a pacifier is something that really depends on the kid. Some babies like to suck on something when they want to calm down, but they freak out if you give them your nipple (if you’re breastfeeding) because they *don’t* want to eat. Like my son! Literally from the day he was born he had a strong sucking need but would lose it if I offered the breast because he absolutely didn’t want to eat. So a pacifier it was to help him and us! Talking baby talk is actually important because those high pitches are easier for newborns to hear, so it’s part of early language development. The novel onesies can be so darn cute! I dare you to resist them! ;) Tolerating picky eaters is a tough one. Of course you should try to encourage your kid to try new things as much as possible, but young kids can be extremely stubborn! Some kids will refuse to eat *at all* if they’re stubborn enough, and eventually you give just so they eat since it comes down to them needing to eat to stay healthy. My best advice for that is to try and expose them to as many different tastes as you can when they’re babies, before they start to pay attention to what they’re eating. Not tiptoe when they’re sleeping? You will do whatever it takes to keep them asleep! Interrupting? It will happen. It’s a guarantee. Strollers (in any form) can be insanely helpful when you’re navigating a very busy place, like an airport. Little ones can walk from around one year of age, but their legs are still small and they have to put more work into the same distance. Even at the age of five, in very busy and walking intensive places, it can be very helpful to use a stroller, especially if you’re not willing to stop and sit down when they need to. Pulling them out of school a day or two early for a vacation or trip isn’t bad. They will have days where they have to stay home because they’re sick, or because of a family emergency, so what’s the difference? Kids need breaks too!
    Honestly, the only one I saw that is really completely doable is not buying the popular toys. All that takes is a simple, “No.” Good luck with parenthood!

  109. Michelle Martin Yates says:

    you will do number 12 most. however i am in full agreement with not letting children interrupt adult conversations, and being picky eaters. good list though…i had those same intentions which is why i know #12 to be the one you will definently accomplish;)O

  110. aperfectparent says:

    The only perfect parent is one who has yet to have kids.

  111. Submommy says:

    When you’re begging for your child to sleep for longer than five minutes so you don’t jump off the roof of your house in sheer frustration, you’ll tip toe.

    The rest of this list is negotiable.

  112. Anonymous says:

    My first lesson in parenting came after our first ultrasound. I used to roll my eyes at moms to be who posted the black ad white photo on Facebook or carried it around to show people. The second I came out of the dr office I posted the pic on Facebook and forced everyone at work to “LOOOOK!” “LOOK AT MY ADORABLE BLOB!”

    The lesson was: you will do the exact opposit of everything you said you wouldn’t. And yeah, let me know how that pacifier idea works out!

  113. Jaclyn Hackerott says:

    Haha! You will tip-toe. If you have a light-sleeper, you cannot “break” them of it or force them to sleep. When your baby is screaming their cranky head off b/c your selfish butt refused to tip toe after spending 3+ hours just trying to get them to sleep in the first place, you’ll vow to ALWAYS tip toe as long as they go back to sleep SOON. LOL

  114. Jaclyn Hackerott says:

    As far as #10 goes, many parents homeschool. Just b/c they don’t force their kids to live on the typical 8-5 that most of the nation does, doesn’t make them bad parents. I plan to take my children to many fancy resorts in the middle of October, b/c all their homework can be done no matter where we are.

  115. Tara Rainier says:

    OMG…Seriously?! Pfftt…you will learn really quickly lady that all these “promises” won’t hold water when you baby is actually here. Good for you for striving to be perfect but no one is. I said almost all the same things but 3 boys, Gastro-esophageal reflux disease, colic, early walkers, later walkers,ADHD which almost led to home schooling, lactose intolerance, vaccine reations and such later I just go with the flow. You end up doing the best you can for your chidlren while keeping your individual sanity. Don’t knock other parents styles because you will get knocked right back.

  116. Tara Rainier says:

    Forgot to comment on the leash comment. Here’s my comment…
    Baahaaahaahaaa!
    Okay seriously, my kids generally don’t stray because I have worked really hard to train them but at the toddler stage in public or busy places you would be stupid not to leash a wondering toddler lest you WILL lose them. Or worse end up on the 5 o’clock news praying your child is still alive.

  117. Jax Hardy says:

    Ok, first of all, people: CALM THE HELL DOWN! PROS****Does this woman HAVE to do what YOU all did? NO,she is telling you the guidelines that she wants to follow. I dont blame her for wanting to do things differently than the boring, same-as-everyone-else in this country family. She SEES the mistakes being made in parenting today and wants to prevent it. Kids today are spoiled little snot-asses who have their parents to blame for most of it, because THEY, in turn give in and follow what THEY see around them. Hence, the same stupid, boring, brainless and dumb ideas keep getting passed around. I certainly dont make special food for my kids, but I try and make it as varied and nutritious as possible for all around. The stroller thing really BUGS me: I see 5 year olds (usually boys) being wheeled from the car to the front of the park. WHAT?? My kids always hated the stroller, so as soon as they could walk, well, we walked with them. And my kits are fit, and I noticed most of these children were…how should I say it…ZAFTIG? Fat? The onesie thing is kinda stupid: using your baby to get a laugh, it is kinda dumb. and the Pacifier? Absolutely RIDICULOUS when you see a 4 year old with it barely fitting in their mouths! Is Mom so lazy that she cant teach the kid to deal with life’s disappointments? Yeah, I have had my share of doing stupid stuff, and breaking my own once-made rules, but some of the behaviours I am seeing really makes me cringe. I grew up in the 70′s, and man were things different. We were not allowed to interrupt (I did anyway)or get away with asking for different food. Life was different, and we were not spoiled, and I definitely appreciate everything I have now. CONS:**** To me, I understand the leash. It’s so easy to say “Just hold their hand’ Ha! yeah right. It is not always a teaching thing: some kids are just frigging willful and do what they want, no matter how punished they get. I can see the leash on some kids. You dont pull on it like a dog, you give them enough leash so you have them near you, but not too controlled.

    The rocking and bouncing thing: I always had to because my girls were so fussy at bedtime, especially my youngest, that it would work and get us both rest.I used to swaddle her, turn off the light, put her in the bouncy seat that vibrated and I sat behind her and bounced it with my hand. after 15 minutes, I could put her anywhere. That stage lasted about 1 month, so it did not create any bad habits. Remember: kids are constantly changing, always! Some things should be consistent, but some things will always change.
    Leave the woman alone about this. It’s HER choice to have these goals for her baby, and I think it’s admirable. Hell, at least she knows more than I did. There are pros and cons about everything. Just because she isnt a Mom yet doesnt means she cant have these good ideas in which to draw from. Sheesh, people! Like YOU were so far away from what she wants? I doubt it.

  118. Jax Hardy says:

    I forgot to comment on the tiptoeing thing. My first daughter slept about 10 minutes a day and I swear, if someone farted in Outer Mongolia, she’d wake up. So we did tiptoe. Gawd forbid I had to go into the room for something. Now, she sleeps like a log. But some kids are light sleepers, but I do agree, as long as the noises arent like gunshots or fireworks, and the kid is a decent sleeper, then by all means go about your daily business. I used a white noise machine at night so they couldnt hear me downstairs and wake if I dropped a plate. Start as you mean to go on. Seriously. Good luck!

  119. Kenzie LeAnn Forrester says:

    I agree with evrythng you said. im having my first lil one in a week and i hope i can stick to l my ideas and theories on how to be a good parent. i might not be one in everyones elses eyes but the way i was raised didnt turn out to bad so what the heck!

  120. Chantell 'England' Matt says:

    You realise that they’ll just suck their thumb or fingers as a comfort instead of the pacifier. My neice and nephew weren’t allowed pacifiers and they’re now 15 and 16, they still suck their thumbs in public… I mean, what are you gonna do, chop off their digits?

  121. Betsybetsy says:

    Oh my goodness, I assure you that you’ll be singing a very, very different tune after the kid comes! I had many of your resolutions and a couple more to add to the list. When you’re confronted with a wailing baby who can only be consoled by a pacifier, it’s a different story.

  122. Deejay says:

    What a joy to find such clear thniikng. Thanks for posting!

  123. Anonymous says:

    when you have an older child, one who is a runner and a baby to look after, you will change your tune about the “leash”. it’s a lot better then having your child dart off somewhere unsafe, like in a parking lot or a crowded place!

  124. Anonymous says:

    Just wait until you have a kid and you might just change your tune about some of these, especially the pacifier. Good luck to ya.

  125. candyjs78 says:

    I agree with all but the pacifier. I’ll use today as an example. She’s only 8 months old and was getting very sleepy in the restaurant. She started crying and so we didn’t disturb others I gave her the pacifier. That is about the only time I give her the pacifier. I don’t want her relying on it.

  126. ashley o says:

    Pacis are a comfort thing…..often not needed as much or at all when baby is breastfed.

  127. Julie Borst says:

    sounds noble, til you have a kid or two, good luck!

  128. Sarah J. Towne says:

    Ummm…yeah, while I can get behind a lot of these, esp. the one about buying the latest fad toys, I don’t think anyone should make some of these blanket statements until they actually have a child…I would never have made it through the FIRST year, let alone THREE w/out violating a lot of the “don’ts” on this list…and neither, I think, would my son. :-/

  129. Anonymous says:

    I agree with the leash issue. It seems ridiculous to me when I see a child tagging alongside their parents on a leash. They’re not dogs. You need to teach them to stay with you. Hold their damn hand if you have to. Put them in a cart if you’re in the store. Pay attention to them!

  130. Anonymous says:

    Seriously?? Hopefully you won’t have a picky eater, because let me tell you from experience you get to the point that you’re happy with whatever they eat as long as they do so. My six year old is picky beyond belief, but he loves pasta with butter and nutella sandwiches and yes the forbidden lunchables. So if thats what he’ll right now so be it. It doesn’t mean he’ll forever be like that. Both my husband and i were picky kids and now there is barely anything we won’t eat. I’d like to see you write another list when your kid is older and see how many of these things you broke

  131. cgdaisy says:

    I love how people who don’t have kids can say what it will be like when they finally do have kids….this lady will want to tip toe around her sleeping baby after its been up all night, every night for 2 weeks, and the binky isn’t being lazy, it is being SANE, lol….and a 2 year old does not care about mommys convos with friends, they don’t understand when you say, “no interrupting”….fact is, that when you have kids, they don’t come out as the perfect image you have in your head. They have flaws and as a parent you will have flaws too, but you do what you do to keep everyone healthy and happy and there’s no question on whether you love your child or not if you use a binky or serve them their favorite foods everyday cuz they’re so picky. What will she do when her kid screams in the grocery store or because she won’t be using a stroller for very long, wonder what’s gonna happen when her kid breaks something at the mall….aaaah, the joys of parenting:)

  132. ashley o says:

    As for not learning anything about your old college friend’s life…hmmm, I’m pretty sure ya learned a helluva lot about it. She had a baby and has obviously taught him that he has valid opinions he is ‘allowed’ to share with the world. Just as you refuse to tiptoe around children, they oftentimes are too excited about the world they are discovering to tiptoe around you.

  133. Anonymous says:

    I disagree with the Leash and Paci. The leash, while not cool at a park where your child should be able to run and be a kid, a crowded mall, parking lot and other danger zones is a good idea. No matter how well your id is behaved, they are kids and dont see dangers. The Paci isn’t out of laziness. It’s comforting for the baby..and they will give it up, granted if youre kid is potty trained and still not broke from the Paci…thats an issue. Plus, they lower the risk of SIDs, which is a Risk till they’re a year(: Everything else, I agree with, especially the No Baby Talk Rule. We talked like a normal human being to our daughter, she’s almost 4 and speaks as well as a 6 year old.

  134. Heather Lambert says:

    yeh, you can not judge other parents, every kid is different and until you actually have kids you cant say “i will do this..” or “i wont do this”. i hate when people who arent parents think they know all about kids.

  135. Bekah Lang says:

    my great niece just turn 2 in Aug I had someone ask me why isnt she in school, I said b/c she is two..Well why dose she talk so good the asked. I told them we dont baby talk,.

  136. Jessica Bailey says:

    This list is ridiculous. Like others have said, until you have a child, you can’t really say what you will or will not do. I can almost bet you were a picky eater when you were a kid. I was. My husband was. We all were. And I can’t stand when people use the word “tolerate”. It’s your child. You don’t “tolerate” your child, you LOVE them.

  137. Suzanne Nelson says:

    If I can give you one piece of advice as a new parent, blanket statements are dangerous!! :) Although I know you meant your article to be somewhat humorous, you will look back on this list in a year and cringe. I too, as a 30 year old having a baby, looked at other children and said to myself, “Self, we are never never going to use a paci!” Guess what, we use a paci to put Sweet Baby E to bed. And in church. I also was not going to tip toe around said baby, until the day when she was 3 months old, after 3 hours of screaming, she finaly feel asleep for a much needed nap. As God as my witness, if anyone had even so much as sneezed, I would have killed them with my bare hands! My only real advice to you is not to use preconcieved notions about other children you observe (you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors), but read everything you can get your hands on. You will find some surprising things, such as pacifiers reduce the risk of SIDS and baby talk is benificial to newborns (they for some reason respond to the high pitch sound). After reading and studying, decide what works best for your child and your situation. Keep in mind that while experts know their given field, they don’t know your child or you. Parenting is not about rules and regulations, but finding compromises to fit each situation. Oh, and I would lay down good money that some day you will be waiting in line for some toy that would make your 5-year-old shriek with glee on Christmas morning. And that you put some onsie on him/her that says Social Distortion or AC/DC on it because you know that will put a smile on your husbands face when he walks in the door from work. Good Luck!

  138. Anonymous says:

    Before i had my kids i always said the same thing about the leash and i usewd to get annoyed when kids would interrupt when the adults were talkin but now that i have two of my own i realized how naive i was…for one thing ive been wantin to get a leash for my 3 yr old now for about as long as shes been walkin so while in large crowds i can keep her with me cuzz she loves to try runnin off and parking lots make me about have a panic attack cuz she always puts up a fight cuz she dont wanna hold my hand cuz shes a “big girl”. And no matter how many times u can tell a child nowadays that “the adults are talkin, please dont interrupt,” they just cant keep their lil mouths quiet…I do agree with not tip toein around the baby cuz it’s true that if u do that then thats what they get used to and every lil noise will wake them up…If this would b seven years ago before i had any kids i would agree with almost every statement on here but once u have kids u get a HUGE eyeopener and do things that u NEVER thought u wld have to do just to get some peace and quiet or just to keep urself from not having a heat attack in the grocery store parking lot.

  139. Rose Sandy-Badgero says:

    hahahahahha wow, are you serious or is this supposed to be a joke? I find it amusing that you have NO idea about parenthood. Yes, some of your ideas seem noble now, but just wait till you have gone 3 nights without sleep, and see how long it will take you to give that baby a Paci. Yes, I think after a certain age (12 months) a paci is not necessary, but dang, it is an instinct (look up rooting) for a baby to suck. They arn’t always hungry when they are rooting, they just have a STRONG instinct to suck. I somewhat agree with the stroller issue, but I think it would be funny to see you in an airport trying to get to your connecting flight without a stroller for your 12 month old ;) (or a leash ha ha ha) I think sometimes a leash is ok, say at yes airports, shopping malls, grocery store, etc. Do you know how many people are out there that would love to just snatch up your kid?! Seriously, most of the time it’s not because we are…what did you say? LAZY?? It’s for our Childs well being and protection. Once you have kids lets see how many of your rules you go back on. Best wishes, you’re going to need them with a list like that! BAHAHAHHA!

  140. JP says:

    I find the tone of this blog post quite offensive. Do whatever you like with your own children, and set as many goals as you like, but don’t put other parents down in the process. At the moment you sound like the bitchy judgemental know it all who everyone avoids at mothers group.

  141. Amber Victoria-Zordel Larson says:

    My ten month old only uses his pacifier for naps and bedtime but more and more I give it to him during the day because he’s grinding his 7 teeth. And he has no problem crying, talking, or screaming with the pacifier still in his mouth. I agree he wont be on it much past 1. But strollers do have a place. I’d rather have it and not need it then not have it and try to carry a screaming child hell bent on throwing himself out of my arms. After like 5 I understand though.

  142. Anonymous says:

    I love this. I agree with just about all of it! Most children these days are not taught manners or respect. Parents are too busy doing their own thing to be parents. The leash is just unexceptable unless the child has ligitimate issues; ADHD, autism, ect. Children should be taught to behave and have manners. It will make them better adults!! That is what being a parent is all about, preparing your child to be a productive member of society!!

  143. Rosa Vega says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Never in a million years!! Every parent out there is just rolling on the floor thinking back to remember when we said that? HA! Every single one of your observations screams to us you are not a parent… yet. When your child runs from you everytime you say come her thats not a child that has not been taught what to do its a normal child playing. (use the leash and keep him/her safe)lets see oh yeah babble talk, yeah that one just comes out when you play with that tiny little being defenseless in your arms with tiny and i mean tiny fists you will take one in your oversized hand and kissit and at the same time think wooshiemookie mookie. it just happens, and even you don’t know what you are saying but it “FEELS” SOFT RIGHT IN YOUR HEART AND THE LOVE YOU FEEL FOR THIS LITTLE PERSON MAKES YOU ACT SENSELESS. No paci?? for reals, just wait i’d love to see you avoid it, hahaha. Once you see a onesie with something you consider cute your baby will be a billboard too. tip toeing? WOW, really lets see my child two weeks old 2am feeding breast super sore can’t even think about feeding so you go to bottle(its an option) many parents bottle feed. so baby wont take it stays up and fights you for a few hrs until you give in and breast feed, baby is asleep finally and you didn’t even finish burping when dad decides to comfort you and you look at him with FIRE in your eves and mouth be quiet please or i will forget how much i love you and pull your voice box out!! I can go on for days and my baby is 3 and a half. I will never let her so without a drink or a snack or a want just cuz my friend is visiting. When you are a parent its your childs home and your child is and will be the center of the universe untill you grow with this child and learn what baby likes and does not like. one last thought try sending grandma or grandpa to the toys r us in their town to help ease the pressure of finding the one toy baby says with tearfilled eyes after her bedtime, If i had jessie (from toy story) she could sleep and not be scared,i lost her at the store i love her so much. yeah !
    Future Mom and Dad, relax no one is grading you there is no right or wrong answer. Do what feels right for you and what you thought would be your way of doing things, well dont take it hard when you make exceptions
    Good luck.

  144. DISAPPOINTED says:

    I have loved every article I have read on Babble and have even praised this site to many others- until now! Horrible article- I still can’t believe someone would allow this to be posted on this website!

  145. Brittany Nail says:

    You all are stupid and you obviously can’t read. Everyone wants an ideal child like that, but things change, and she even states that had you bothered to read it all the way through and not laugh at her once you thought you were finished. I have two stepkids who are both toddlers and they DO NOT interrupt adults, walk on leashes and they eat what they’re given. It makes you wonder which parent is being realistic and which one is just trying to do what’s easy (aka being lazy) instead of doing what’s right.

  146. Brandi Curtis says:

    I don’t believe in any of that hope whoever wrote this know they sound like a rigid old bitty. I am letting my child be an individual if she doesn’t want to eat what I give her she doesn’t have to eat it. I would rather have my child on a leash than getting kidnapped or ran over. You can say what you want now and if this is your first child just wait I am sure you will change your mind. But whatever. This will be my fourth child and when I gave my daughter the pacifier it wasn’t to shut her up it was to soothe her needs. So get over yourself and stop being so damn anal.

  147. Amelia says:

    The disclaimer should have been the entire post. My husband I always said “I’ll never…you’ll never…I can’t believe those people do…” before parenthood, and then…well, you’ll find out :) In the meantime, post about topics you know something about.

  148. Hayley says:

    I agree with most of these but the one i really disagree with is pulling children out of school for holidays. I was fortunate enough to have a pilot for a dad so my childhood was spent in foreign countries developing a taste for culture. I learned about different foods, history, languages, it was the best education I could have got. At the age of ten in school I was learning about world war two and the holocaust, so my dad decided our next holiday would be in Germany and I was taken to hoocaust museums and travelled around significant landmarks in Germany. I learned far more than i would have in a school room, and more than that I developed a passion for these topics, rather than daydreaming in class. At the time all my teachers agreed with my parents that I was learning far more travelling aroung the world than I was sitting in class. I never fell behind in school, in fact I was far ahead of other children, particularly in languages, history and reading. Never underestimate the value of experiance and hands on learning. It something I always remember with my children now and much prefer to take them to museums for history, or outside to learn about science and nature rather than having them sit in a boring class room.

  149. coffeegod says:

    Oh yeah, it is quite clear you aren’t a parent. Whilst 5, 6, 9, and occasionally 7 work, you completely missed the mark on the rest.

    No leash? Just wait until Junior slips out of your grip on a busy city street and heads straight for the road. It will happen. Promise. We didn’t use the harness often but it was invaluable in New Orleans.

    Pacifiers? Get real. Do you also forbid blankets and stuffed animals? It gives comfort. Most kids put them down on their own volition, mine did. When your child is distraught, over-tired or freaked out, they are magic.

    I yanked my kid out of school for a trip to Disney. His teacher wanted to go!

    Moral: Don’t make rules for situations about which you know nothing.

  150. Really says:

    #3: Those high-pitched baby talk voices have a distinct purpose: newborns do not have fully developed hearing (or other senses for that matter) and the extreme changes in pitch and intonation help them tune in to our voices. Kids who are “baby-talked” pick up language earlier than those whose parents talk to them like tiny adults.

  151. Futuremommy says:

    Baby talk is a natural instinct. Studies show that baby talk is a key component of children’s language development. Also, studies show that children prefer to listen to adults who use baby talk and will ignore those who do not. So do you want your baby to listen to you and like being around you? Well, then baby talk away!

  152. MomJill says:

    with the overwhelming majority of the comments being against the author, I have to say that they are all possible. My kids are healthy and well adjusted, never used a pacifier, never wore a leash and have manners. They say yes sir, wait till it’s their turn to talk, and hold the door open for people. they slept in noisy houses, they almost never get the fad toy, but then, the trade off is that we have raised them within our moral and religious structure. so to the author – Go For IT! it can be done, and I pray that you will stick to your resolve.

  153. Alise says:

    “If Im really lucky, my kids will learn how to clearly give my drink order to a bartender (Tanqueray martini, straight up, two olives) before they start pre-school.”
    Why?? Why on earth would you have your child in a bar in the first place???

  154. Love and Lace says:

    1) I used to be the same way but my sister is very energetic and now I see why parents use them. They may look terrible but in the end they really save kids and parents.
    2) Honestly, you may not have as much control with this as you think. All kids have a security blanket. The ‘paci’ may be it.
    3) I agree with Elise. Why are your kids in a bar? A restaurant/bar is fine but really? Anyway, actually talking ‘baby talk’ helps them articulate more. Evantually, they will figure out most words on their own.
    4) Novelty onesies/shirts are awesome! Especially if your little one is sick. I highly doubt you would want to dress your kid in a very nice outfit if they have projectile vomiting/diarrhea. In those cases novelty outfits are your best friend. Plus, they’re cheap enough where you can easily throw out.
    5) If it comes between your child in PAIN because they’re hungry and them eating something other than what you made that night for dinner I’m sure you’ll give her a Lunchable.
    6) Wow, really? You wont even be quiet enough to let your kid sleep? You really need to get over yourself here.
    7) This is a natural thing for kids to do. Sorry HER child’s needs over come your own.
    8) This I kind of agree with but I see no harm in doing this every once in a while. On the toy. Not the jeans.
    9) My sis is 2 and can tell our waitress she wants chicken. Does that mean my mom is going to force her to walk? No. Neither of us want to carry her when she gets tired because she obviously is just getting too big to carry. Like the leash you will see its about saftey. I rather have a stroller to push than fliers to hand out because she ran into a crowd of people and went missing.
    10) Wow. Ever hear of a FAMILY VACATION!? My family and I travel to Florida (by car) every year for Disney World. I do my schooling online so its not a big deal when I can bring my laptop with me but kids need breaks. Especially those with illnesses and learning disorders. A friend of mine gets migraines and has to stay home from schol sometimes to prevent them.
    Basically, you need to chill out and get over yourself. Go with the flow.

  155. Love and Lace says:

    @ Anonymous Sep 14, 12:09 PM My mom, never used a leash on me,gave me the hospital issued pacifier which she lost soon after and I never even noticed, talked baby talk, dressed me in novelty onesies, tolerated my pickiness since I didnt eat too much anyway, OBVIOUSLY made sure all was quiet so I could nap, Didnt mind if I interrupted her because I needed something, Did buy me the ‘popular’ toy a few times, Let me use the stroller until I could walk with no problem but made sure I was strapped in tight in large crowds, And took me out when I needed a break from school. I am a fully functioning member of society. I am looking for a job and getting through high school. Does that make the peaple who raised me-mom, grandma, 3 aunts, and an uncle- bad parents/care givers? Hell no. My mom went with the flow and let me do my own thing. I have never had a drop of alcohol, picked up a cigarette, or even had sex. She isnt the typical parent and I’m grateful for it. I’m not even out past 930 on a regular basis. The latest I was out was 3 or 4 because of a concert my Uncle took me to. You are probably reffering to the kids who are out all hours of the night and who get drunk and smoke weed. I am far from those groups of kids. So get off your high horse.

  156. daisy says:

    you dont wont to be embarressed over a stroller or a pacifier yet expect your child to know your drink order before they go to school?..i suppose you would also expect them to drive you home when you have had one to many martini’s!…this istruly pathetic and just proves the saying is true..Those who know it least speak it loudest..untill you have had children (wich from your obvious statments you have no clue) then you have no right telling others what to expect.

  157. Anonymous says:

    What you do is what you choose to do. But everything you list there are all perfectly legitimate options for other people. Please don’t become one of those high horse moms who condemn everything else other moms do. I don’t like pacis past the loss of the suck reflex. Will it harm the kid. studies show no as long as you use the orthodontic ones. Leash in a crowded airport or mall when a toddler needs to walk and get some energy out when they are too young to respond to stop or haven’t learned that handholding is essential. heck yes. only needed it on a few occasions for a few months. But boy was it useful. But now my toddler knows to hold my hand so no need anymore. Pull them out of school for a vacation. heck yes!!! off season is cheaper and less crowded. Standing in line for the in toy. Heck no. They’re either old enough to wait or tell them that sometimes Santa has popular things on backorder and it will come in in February. I still remember the couple weeks where the only healthy food my child would eat was black beans, endamame and mac and cheese. Thats the way toddlers eat. Though an effort for healthful choice is a nice idea. To each their own. Different things work for different families. In the long run none of what you mention will ruin a child. there’s a lot worse ways to raise a child poorly.

  158. Lyn Harms says:

    I used a leash… well, actually it was the belt that hung from my pant legs (goth pants) to attach to my kids’ belt loops while at the mall and other busy places they liked to run off in or where there were just too many people. It was best for my mental calm and their safety.

  159. Blueberry10 says:

    Ha, Please rewrite this article once you actually become a parent! Reading this made me laugh out loud because as a later in life parent, I had some of the same thoughts too, BEFORE baby. Funny guy, you have NO idea what you’re in for…. Seriously, get back to me after baby arrives.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *.