While you’re doing your Superbowl party planning, you may want to consider this prelude: Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl. Puppy Bowl 2011 airs at 3pm, which gives everyone plenty of time to recover from being beaten over the head with cuteness before the those big mean men come out and start smashing into each other. The Puppy Bowl seems to appeal mostly to women, which makes sense, since women are genetically programmed robots whose nurturing switch is flipped by anything little and cute. I’m not sure if you want to watch this show if you’re pregnant. You might explode.
I was imagining the Puppy Bowl as a true competitive challenge of cuteness: Puppies Vs. Babies. But it seems that Puppy Bowl 2011 is a canine only extravaganza. Perhaps it’s just as well. Once I sat down and thought about it, I realized puppies totally kick babies’ asses.
Here are 7 reasons why.
1. Getting a puppy out of the house involves dangling a leash and walking to the door. Getting a baby out of the house involves a 20 to 40 minute project including changing, dressing, assembling supplies, bundling, packing, emergency feeding, pooping, changing, dressing, bundling, sweating, crying (the baby’s), crying (yours), etc.
2. Babies become kids, and then teenagers, and then adults, by which time they are only sometimes cute. Puppies become dogs. Dogs are generally cute at any age.
3. Puppies require walking, which forces you to exercise, thus improving your physique. Babies require gestating, which forces you to gain weight, thus ruining your physique. Then they cry when you try to strap them into the stroller to try to walk it off.
4. Nobody stops you on the street and tells you your dog should be wearing a hat.
5. If your dog is misbehaving, you can pay someone to get him to behave better. Sometimes, you don’t even have to be there for it.
6. When you make goo-goo faces at your puppy, everyone thinks it’s adorable. When you make goo-goo faces at your baby, everyone thinks you think you’re soooo great just because you’ve got a baby.
7. Pretty much anything babies can do, puppies can do better. Can babies walk? No. Can babies talk? No. Can puppies talk? Not really, but they can talk about as well as they’re ever going to.
Babies do smell a lot better than puppies. Except when they’re full of poop. But baby poop smells a lot better than dog poop. Yeah, babies smell pretty good. And then there’s that whole genetic urge to continue the species, reproduce ourselves, blah blah blah. And babies do grow up to be people, who sometimes have some valuable things to offer. Whatever you do, DO NOT take this as motivation to get yourself a puppy TOO. Unless you’d like that changing, dressing, assembling, bundling, packing, feeding, pooping, changing, dressing, bundling, sweating, crying, leash dangling project to be what’s standing between you and a floor without dog poop on it several times a day.
Oh, and if you’re looking for something with a slightly more “male” slant, there’s always the Lingerie Puppy Bowl, courtesy of Team Coco.
photo: Lunchbox Photography/flickr