When I was pregnant with the twins and we were about to go in for our 13 week ultrasound, I blogged on how I was so afraid I’d become so wrapped up in the pregnancy I’d fall apart if something happened at that ultrasound.
I can’t believe just a few weeks later, when we thought we were safe and sound at 19 weeks, it all came crashing down anyway.
I remember hesitating to write about how much I wanted them because what on earth would I say to justify or make it better if I didn’t get them? What if at 13 weeks one or both was gone and I had spent months blogging about them?
This is how I feel about the adoption right now. That edge of hesitation to talk on it – the constant thoughts of, “What if we aren’t approved for this?” It’s even harder to do this publicly, the entire journey we are on. If we fail, it’s public. If we get turned down, it’s public. Sure, I could come on here and pretend like we changed our minds or didn’t want to adopt anyway, but I won’t. Just like with my boys, I know in my heart how much I want this to happen.
I’m terrified it won’t. And I’ll have to come on here and tell you all. Face the questions, the heartache, the old posts I wrote that will be constant reminders of what I thought life would be like.
Blogging isn’t the easiest when you’re suddenly faced with a life you’d rather not portray. I obviously don’t have to talk on it – any of it. But because this is what I love to do, I want to do it the way that I know is right for me. That means being transparent about this journey.
Yet a part of me wants to wait for complete assurance on something until I say anything. Like – the baby is here. Home. Then I go ahead and tell you all, “Oh hey! We spent the last year adopting. Didn’t want to mention it till we got our child. You know – just in case.” Not tell anyone how much this means to Sam and me, to pretend like we don’t care either way. Or that if it goes wrong, we didn’t really want that life anyway. That would make it a lot easier to face.
If I live like that, if I allow my heart to seal up and my writing to be quieted by my own fears or the occasional snark that I only do this for attention, then I lose a piece of me. I lose that part of life that I was meant to live, because it isn’t about how this all ends.
It’s the journey it took to whatever end awaits.
I wouldn’t change one thing I did when I blogged from trying to get pregnant all the way to losing the twins. Not one thing. I am so glad I laid my heart out there and confessed how much I wanted them. Even though it didn’t happen. And with this adoption? It may not turn out the way I wanted, but it might. Either way, I’ll never regret writing about it. Wanting it. Living it.
No matter what happens, you all will know my real feelings and emotions about this. My fears, my hopes, my dreams for what my life could become.
Don’t let your fear or the misunderstanding of others silence writing or talking about the life you are living. No one has it perfect. No one gets what they want all the time. There is no reason to pretend we’re always ok and accepting of what we got handed.
Take what you’re given and make it a part of your story. The good, the bad, the ugly.
Photo Credit and to Buy: Hearts Haven
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.
MORE FROM DIANA:
- We’ll Never Circumcise Our Adopted or Biological Sons. Here’s Why.
- Who Knew? 10 Famous Adoptees in History
- Waiting on a Waiting Child
- The Homestudy Interviews – DONE