This past week has not been the easiest for me. Lots of thoughts are swirling through my mind and my heart. Since my latest miscarriage, pregnancy has been on my mind a lot, as you could imagine, and I have been doing a lot of reflection.
I have been thinking a lot about our method of birth control, my husband’s and my ideas on family size and pregnancy, and my baby fever. I have been trying hard to focus on these feelings — to allow the grief of Monday’s happenings to digest a bit in my mind. And I’ve come to realize more about myself.
With this new pregnancy, for a brief time we thought that a new member was going to join our family. These deep feelings turned into another reality – and I’ve come to realized that I want this. I truly do. There is no longer any confusion in my mind about why I want to add to our family.
I also realized that right now — at this point — it is not the right time for us. I don’t think that point is too far away, but it’s not quite yet. There are some things I want to do first. Some things I would like to set up to help the next pregnancy and next child have the best chance of making it to term.
I have been having a difficult time with the leftovers of the failed pregnancy and I’m hoping that now that they are gone, I can focus more on how to digest the grief and to work on the guilt that I have.
The next task is to think about what exactly I would like to accomplish before we get pregnant again.
photo credit: Strandell via Flickr